To have told DD that she looked fat in that?

[ShushTush]

DD is 20 and has fluctuated between a size 10-16 since she hit puberty.

At her biggest she was a size 16 a few years back and it really affected her confidence. It was mainly due to bingeing on family packs of sweets and chocolate.

She was going out tonight with a cropped top on and it really wasn't all that flattering (she's a size 12 at the moment) and I immediately told her as I didn't want anyone else to. Obviously she was very pissed off and insisted she looked fine so I said her opinion was all that matters and off she went.

I feel crap now of course. I had advised her a while back that she's looking chunky and she should exercise more. I always advise exercise rather than diets as she's tried really restrictive ones before.

I'm overweight with a lot to lose (since DC) and I've told her that I don't want her to end up like me as it creeps on slowly so she needs to keep on top of it, not to put her down but so she doesn't end up like me.

WIBU. Hate to think of her going out feeling like crap .

Ew this makes me so annoyed

I'm 20 and a mum and recently just went up to a 16/18 from a size 12 after having my baby and it's really effecting my confidence

If my mum ever said something like that to me now I'd be heartbroken - your mum is your biggest supporter not someone to knock your confidence right before you walk out the door.
I also don't know who you think would actually call a size 12 fat to their face because in this day in age it's actually very unlikely and a size 12 as far as I'm concerned is average and I felt stunning when I was a 12 and would give anything to be that size again - and I'll tell you something never mind a crop top id be walking about stark nude if I could.

You're unreasonable and trying to make excuses now because people are letting you know that isn't going to help the situation.

Please don't push your own insecurities onto your daughter who is clearly confident and strong as even with your nasty comments she continued to go out feeling great and ready to have a good time.
Good on her.

This is an awful thing to tell your daughter, OP. You made her feel like crap and it's very unlikely to motivate her to sort her weight out (which probably doesn't even need sorting).

I gained a few kilos (think 5 or so) around the age of 13 and my mum and her friends would constantly comment on it, making me feel like crap about my body when little did they know that I was only binge-eating because I had just suffered a very traumatic sexual assault and was already loathing myself and my body. Needless to say my mum's comments didn't help and I never forgave her for it. Like you, she probably felt that "as a mother she should tell me I was starting to be a bit chubby" but I would rather she had kept quiet.

Fast forward a couple of years and I am at my skinniest (yet I still eat chocolate everyday and yes, even in the middle of the night and guess what? I don't even hit the gym!), but I rarely eat more than once a day and become quite self-conscious the second I see even a hint of my belly showing. I am not anorexic or bulimic as I eat pretty unhealthily and don't make myself throw up nor would I ever, but I have a very twisted relationship with food. I look at pics of me back then sometimes, and yes I was slightly heavier that I am now but I was NOT fat. Now my family comments over "how skinny" I am but I seriously would rather have my old body back than feel guilty when I eat more than once a day like I do now for fear of having to hear the nasty comments of "concerned relatives" again.

By the way, in case you don't know, it's actually MUCH easier to lose 20 kilos when you are massively overweight than 4 when you only have a few extra kilos (so you probably have less of an excuse than she does) .

But would someone close to you telling you, you are fat, or look crap in your clothes on a day you feel great about yourself motivate you to lose the extra weight or would it only make you feel self - conscious about your body and a bit shit about yourself and your appearance? There is nothing motivating in what you told your daughter. And while I am sure my mum attributes my loss of weight to her nasty comments, I only lost weight when I moved far away from her toxic self and stopped feeling depressed (from mostly being around her and people like her).

If weight is so important for you, focus on your own, lead by example. You are asking your daughter to sort something about herself you haven't bothered to sort for yourself throughout her life because you were too lazy/busy to do it and expect her to listen and take you seriously just because " you know what it's like to be fat". She probably doesn't see herself as fat. My mum was also overweight (not obese but definitely above average) and I always found it doubly irritating that she would feel the need to comment on my weight when I was taller and skinnier than her so hardly ever felt "fat" when standing next to her. I would have found her comments as irritating and as hurtful had she been skinny but at least I wouldn't have felt she was being hypocritical to expect me to lose weight when she couldn't be arsed to do it herself.

Ironically the only person being mean and bullying me over my weight gain as a teen was her.

Chances are nobody would have commented negatively on your daughter outfit but now you have and she will probably always feel a bit self-conscious when in that outfit. If you have struggled with your weight for decades you probably have passed that on to your daughter so the least you can do is teach her to embrace her body. She doesn't need to be extremely skinny to be ptetty and healthy and as long as she isn't obese and suffering health issues due to her weight, she shouldn't be made to feel self-conscious by you.

I think you're jealous.

I absolutely do not think YWBU. You simply did not want your daughter to be ridiculed, which as a mother is perfectly understandable. If you have a close loving relationship then she will realise that this was said out of concern and nothing more. Is it any different from commenting on a dress that showed everything or five inches of make-up stuck to her face? You are her mother and you should be able to have these conversations. Imagine if someone had made an unkind comment, would she not have wondered afterwards as her mother, why you told her she looked lovely and said nothing?

You did the right thing! Perhaps a way forward together would be to join forces and make a huge effort between you to support each in getting fitter and eating more healthily.

My mum is obsessed about her weight. Always dieting. To be fair she was slim until she hit 70.

When I was 20 and a size 10/12 she used to tell me that I looked like a sack of potatoes tied around the middle.

She has left me with lifelong food and body issues.

I now just think what a jealous bitch she was.

You've also been unkind, insensitive and totally lacking in empathy. I can't think of a worse comment you could make, especially to your daughter. When she comes home, apologise to her and reassure her that you don't think she's fat at all, that you're feeling insecure and miserable about your own weight and that you're desperately sorry to have projected your issues onto her.

You need to step back and stop projecting your weight issues on your dd. How patronising to tell her that it’s easier for her to loose weight than you. Do you want her to feel bullied?

Jesus. Glad you aren't my Mum if that's the kind of 'supportive' comments you give. Who are you to pass judgement on other people's bodies? Fair play to your daughter for having the confidence to wear a crop top - although size 12 is hardly 'chunky' is it? I'm a size 16 and love my body; I'm healthy, exercise and eat well. That's what I teach MY children. Fat, chunky and chubby are words that are banned in our home when it comes to our bodies, the same as skinny, scrawny and thin. Surely it's better to teach and support our kids how to be healthy (physically and mentally) rather than leave them with eating disorders and prejudices that they will pass on to their own children? OP you really need to apologise to your daughter and have a think why you felt the need to say what you did.

It would be much easier to hear a cutting comment from a stranger than from my mother. A stranger's comments might sting for a while but I never got over the harsh judgement from my mother.

To everyone saying a size 12 isn’t fat, that depends entirely on the person in question’s height.

I’m very small and if I ever reached a size 12 then I would be fat. It does not follow that size 12 is always normal/healthy.

As for OP, I can see your point in that you don’t want anyone else pointing it out to her. But it seems there are deep rooted issues here that are far too complex to really base a good opinion on this post alone.

@shushtush I wonder if you see her confident in a crop top and feel jealous and have to bring her down a peg or two to make you feel better. You're totally preoccupied with external appearances yet at a size 20 I imagine your bmi is obese at the least. You sound like a total knob, and I'm glad you're not my mum.

Op everyone will pile on you with their own insecurities. If you cant rely on your own mother to tell you the truth when can you? My Dm will tell me when i look ugky and shit in something. She has told.me i look fat in a particular top once and im a size 8. She was correct i did look fat. I appreciate her honestly. Maybe your DD will do as well. Its never easy to hear the truth but that doesnt mean the truth shouldnt be told.

You and your DM both sound completely fucked up about weight.

I mean, if I were to say all of my thoughts on you OP I would be here for hours. So here goes:

• size 12 is not chunky in a 5’10 girl
• especially for someone who is a size 20 to say. I suspect you resent her for not being overweight.
• take some responsibility for your own weight. You don’t need a baby sitter to take babies and kids walking a lot.
• if I ever become your DIL and you comment on my weight or crop top, you may find that either your son is soon single or you are cut off!

What a horrid, mean thread

Size 12 isn't a healthy weight unless you do bodybuilding and are all muscle. An average size 12 will have a flabby belly and rolls of fat in the area, especially with the apple figure so typical for Britain. So I get you, OP. I see teenies in their tight leggings and crop tops, looking like the only exercise they have is the walk to the nearest chipper and it's a sad sight. Wonder if they're secretly sponsored by the Weight Watchers or the Slimming World because the same teenagers will be paying them shitloads of money in 15 years time once they realised those soft rolls weren't puppy fat.
However, your attitude stinks too. Why are you buying her Easter eggs if you think she needs to lose weight? How about destroying her self-esteem you lead by example and change your diet? Smaller portions, veggies and fruit and exercise? Suggest long walks together. A gym membership and motivate each other.

Size 12 isn't a healthy weight unless you do bodybuilding and are all muscle. An average size 12 will have a flabby belly and rolls of fat in the area, especially with the apple figure so typical for Britain.

Utter bollocks.

Size 12 isn't a healthy weight unless you do bodybuilding and are all muscle Size 12 isa dress size, not a weight.

An average size 12 will have a flabby belly and rolls of fat in the area, especially with the apple figure so typical for Britain

Based on what evidence? Is the apple figure typical of the UK?

YANBU- you were just being honest. If I got too fat I would want my mum/ partner/ friends to say something too.

Everyone is so precious about their weight nowadays

difficult but at the end of the day you didn't want her to go out and someone else tell her half way through the night . We are all different shapes and sizes and people on her or slating you for calling size 12 fat which i think is unfair you could have a size 8 person with a pot belly who would look horredndous in crop top but a size 16 women with flat toned stomach would look fine . it sounds like it was more about the outfit than her weight .

Are you lot for real?

She doesn't want her daughter to look silly what's wrong with that? No a size 12 isn't "fat" but it's not skinny is it

instead of destroying her self-esteem, I meant.

And it's ridiculous to read all those weight-accepting posts in the time when Britain and Ireland top the charts for obesity. Saying that people are getting fatter isn't fat shaming, it's a fact. Being overweight isn't about the looks though, it's about the health. Every pound over your optimal weight puts more strain on your joints, your heart and the unhealthy diet can cause all sorts of issues too. Leggings and loose tops will cover a lot but they won't fool your body.

I became fat due to becoming much more sedentary when I had kids, not thinking about myself and eating crap because I was bored shitless. My mother never babysat
Are you projecting your angry feelings about your mother into your relationships with your DC. You seem to blame your mother for your fat. How you were sedentary after having DCs I don’t know, I was never so busy. I think it’s you who needs to sort themselves out not your DD. Start with setting an example of a women who keeps fit and eats well.

I actually don't think you were BU. I was always grateful to my mum for her honest opinion, wether I asked or not.

If she has a bulging belly hanging over her jeans then a crop top isn't the best choice of clothing, especially for a 20 year old. Whilst her friends may not say anything it doesn't stop people ridiculing her behind her back, which no mother wants for her child.

Size 12 for me would actually be over weight, and the result of a poor diet and no exercise. Eating chocolate in bed at 3 in the morning is concerning and at her age is no longer childish excitement. Perhaps you could lead by example, and begin healthy eating as well as walking together. Make a meal plan together incl snacks. If your sitting on your bum, scoffing away it won't help her to change her lifestyle.

A better message to give is that even if someone gives her a nasty comment it's their problem. Empower her to see that and be strong and not give a shit about others negative or mean attitudes. Otherwise you let the bullies win, don't you?

My mother said I was fat when I was 15 and I’ve never forgotten it. Nearly 20 years ago.

^You really need to let it go if that is the worst thing someone has said to you!

My mother used to observe my weight. She also did it because she has had weight issues all her life and did not want me to be like her.

I am 45 and have had eating disorders all my life - currently am obese.

At Christmas time I had a long thread on MN where I expressed my distress that my mother had been observing my 8 year old and my 6 year old and commenting in front of them how great it was their body shapes take after their father's. It brought up all the thoughts that I had growing up and even now- that no matter what kind of person I am my mother just sees my body as something to comment on.

So- you told your DD she looked fat when she is at her most vulnerable of ages. She told you to fuck off. And you think it was for her own good. I honestly think you might need to either get some professional help to talk over your food and body image issues. I know myself how utterly exhausting and draining it is to not be happy in your own skin, and please please don't project that on your DD. Every single one of us deserves to be as healthy and as happy as we ca be - and obsessing over weight rather than health is not going to achieve that -physically or mentally.