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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told DD that she looked fat in that?

688 replies

ShushTush · 02/04/2018 00:45

DD is 20 and has fluctuated between a size 10-16 since she hit puberty.

At her biggest she was a size 16 a few years back and it really affected her confidence. It was mainly due to bingeing on family packs of sweets and chocolate.

She was going out tonight with a cropped top on and it really wasn't all that flattering (she's a size 12 at the moment) and I immediately told her as I didn't want anyone else to. Obviously she was very pissed off and insisted she looked fine so I said her opinion was all that matters and off she went.

I feel crap now of course. I had advised her a while back that she's looking chunky and she should exercise more. I always advise exercise rather than diets as she's tried really restrictive ones before.

I'm overweight with a lot to lose (since DC) and I've told her that I don't want her to end up like me as it creeps on slowly so she needs to keep on top of it, not to put her down but so she doesn't end up like me.

WIBU. Hate to think of her going out feeling like crap Sad.

OP posts:
Sakurasnail · 02/04/2018 02:21

Ffs ginger, I was agreeing with you!

eeanne · 02/04/2018 02:23

My mother said I was fat when I was 15 and I’ve never forgotten it. Nearly 20 years ago.

pinkcandy84 · 02/04/2018 02:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gingergenius · 02/04/2018 02:25

@Sakurasnail sorry! Didn't sound that way! Apols!

stayathomer · 02/04/2018 02:26

All of the people telling OP off, she says she feels bad. In the title you use the word 'fat' but did you use that actual word with her? You can be more diplomatic but I'm sure you're just stressed over it so it's coming out that way. Try and make friends over the next few days and get your relationship back together and perhaps in future comment on not thinking things suit her etc and getting her out on family walks, excercising together etc, without pointing it out that she needs to. Like all above it's somehting that stays with you

Sakurasnail · 02/04/2018 02:27

@gingergenius no worries :) I'm a bit sensitive over a bashing I'm getting elsewhere!

tinkanman · 02/04/2018 02:30

YABVVVU
you sound so meanSad she's 20 I doubt she needs you to point out how she looks. You should be ashamed. And I hope you are ashamed.

HowdlyDiddly · 02/04/2018 02:33

My mum called me fat today (as usual, but it still hurts and it’s really not nice. Oh, and she tells me off for eating anything that isn’t a vegetable. Couldn’t get out of her house fast enough to be honest. Happy easter to me...

CadyHeron · 02/04/2018 02:33

And people saying size 12 is hardly fat it depends on height and build. I would be obese at size 12. We dont know what ops daughter looks like.

Why I'm not posting a reasoned answer - size 12 is subjective! Although I'm 5 ft 3 and a size 12 is lovely and my ideal.
Still doesn't give the right to comment on though if they're feeling happy in their choices.

ShovingLeopard · 02/04/2018 02:37

I wouldn't describe your attitude and beliefs as 'wise', OP. For sure, appearances are important, on occasion. If your daughter was heading out the door to work dressed unsuitably, I can see how you would want to advise her not to jeopardise her position. But criticising her appearance as she heads out for a night out is just that - criticism.

You appear to have turned a lot of your preferences for the way you think people should look into hard-and-fast rules. I agree with PPs, that you are projecting, and risk doing great damage to your daughter's mental health, and also to your relationship with her. Please listen to the advice you have been given here. You sound very unhappy, and I hope in time you can find a way to become more at peace with yourself, and your own appearance.

ThriceUponATime · 02/04/2018 02:44

Saying it 'so other people won't' is a load of rubbish. I've been fat since I was 12, I've worn plenty of dodgy outfits, and the only people who have ever told me I look fat are my parents.

Woshambo · 02/04/2018 02:45

Depends on ur relationship. There are some nasty comments on here which is ironic as they are claiming u r being nasty....

I was raised by my DGM and we were always direct and honest with each other. She has told me I looked fat in an outfit or that I was starting to get fat. There was never any bad feeling in it and I certainly didn't/don't have any body issues growing up because of it.

Ur daughter knows u and the commenters on here do not. So ur DD is going to know u and know that u are not trying to hurt her feelings. What sounds "awful" to others who have a less direct way of speaking sounds perfectly fine to people who speak directly.

Sakurasnail · 02/04/2018 02:52

Saying it 'so other people won't' is a load of rubbish.
Not necessarily. If I was going to go out to a club (for example) in a short top which showed off my muffin top and buddy belly, you can bet someone there would make some snide comment, whether to my face or behind my back. I've heard comments about less.
But if my DM had said 'heres a more flattering top, that one shows a bit too much' I think I'd appreciate it, given the alternative. I don't think DM ever said 'fat' in that context though.

Sakurasnail · 02/04/2018 02:52

Ha. Buddha belly.

MistressDeeCee · 02/04/2018 03:05

You're mean. Your DD is more than her weight. My mum is exactly like you. Unfortunately now that I'm in my 50s & she's in her 70s she's sad that me and DSis don't really have a relationship with her. I've a long memory. & my own DDs

She tried the weight thing with them but they just laugh at her. After all they've a mum who isn't bitchy to her DDs so why should they care?

You won't always be the age you are now...be careful that same doesn't happen to you. & remember as mum what you do or say won't always be priority - people have partners and families and priorities can neatly shift. DDs and OH matter far more to me than whatever my mum goes on about. No more outlets for mean comments for her. That's life.

Laserbird16 · 02/04/2018 03:13

YABU. My mum would always let me know I looked fat, scruffy, a prostitute etc for my own good. It did a number on my self esteem and I still resent her for her 'honesty'. Luckily I realised she had massive issues about her personal appearance and stopped listening to her but I do often wonder why she thought it was acceptable to be so cruel? I would never say anything remotely like that to a friend. When I go shopping with a mate we definitely have conversations around, the neckline isn't working, those colours are good but not 'you look fat'. It is obvious your daughter didn't like your 'feedback'. Just out of interest how often do you tell she's looking good?

frigginell · 02/04/2018 03:16

Honestly?

It's appropriate to comment upon someone's appearance if:

  1. You're giving a compliment and that compliment is in respect of a choice/skill (nice bag, like how you've curled your hair etc)
  1. You're pointing out some sort of visible medical matter they hadn't noticed (e.g. a rash on their arse)

Otherwise, you just keep your mouth fecking shut.

You don't tell your 20 year old she looks fat. FFS!

MerryDeath · 02/04/2018 03:17

not sure why you expect her to manage her weight when you've spent however many years/her life demonstrating to her how you don't manage yours.

DiagonAbbey · 02/04/2018 03:19

Sounds like you're jealous of her tbh. Poor girl.

InspMorse · 02/04/2018 03:19

Well that's something you can't take back OP Hmm.
Probably wouldn't say it again unless you want her to hate you.

happymummy12345 · 02/04/2018 03:30

I think you're awful op

Coyoacan · 02/04/2018 03:40

Well crop tops and bulging bellies don't go do they?

Actually where I live the only women who wear crop tops are the ones with bulging waists and I think they look good.

I'm sorry I skipped to the end to say this but for some reasons what a mother says is much more upsetting than a comment from someone else.

If you and your dd have weight problems why do you have bumper packs of junk food in the house? You seem to assume that your weight can't be shifted, while you worry inordinately about her weight. Maybe you should set her a good example of eating healthily

TomFun · 02/04/2018 03:44

My mum used to say similar things to me, OP and I’ve not forgotten or forgiven.

KittyWindbag · 02/04/2018 03:56

You need to do some reading on body positivity. Your daughter is 20, so not a child who needs her weight monitoring. She has complete bodily autonomy. Just because you didn’t think she looked good doesn’t mean she shouldn’t wear something. All you will have done is erode part of her confidence, something which is very brittle in most young women, especially related to appearance. There are a million things more important than being socially acceptable skinny. Loving and respecting yourself is top of the list. Sounds like yo I could benefit from this yourself.

SherryBaby11 · 02/04/2018 03:58

This sort of thing is why I had anorexia for three years as a teen. YWBU.

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