To have told DD that she looked fat in that?

[ShushTush]

DD is 20 and has fluctuated between a size 10-16 since she hit puberty.

At her biggest she was a size 16 a few years back and it really affected her confidence. It was mainly due to bingeing on family packs of sweets and chocolate.

She was going out tonight with a cropped top on and it really wasn't all that flattering (she's a size 12 at the moment) and I immediately told her as I didn't want anyone else to. Obviously she was very pissed off and insisted she looked fine so I said her opinion was all that matters and off she went.

I feel crap now of course. I had advised her a while back that she's looking chunky and she should exercise more. I always advise exercise rather than diets as she's tried really restrictive ones before.

I'm overweight with a lot to lose (since DC) and I've told her that I don't want her to end up like me as it creeps on slowly so she needs to keep on top of it, not to put her down but so she doesn't end up like me.

WIBU. Hate to think of her going out feeling like crap .

I could only wear crop tops when I was size 10, I'm 5'7 so I wasn't chunky in a size 10. I couldn't now, and would feel ridiculous, although I can wear size 12 clothes. (The sizes have changed, I have some of my size 12 work clothes from 2002/2003 and I can't get into them at all.)

But it doesn't change the fact that the OP should have kept her opinions to herself, as she wasn't asked. She needs to lead by example by losing her own excess weight.

Helena, a massive waste of time, I agree! Just caught up on the thread to see people are still plopping on to make proclamations like all women size 12 and above are ‘greedy’, ‘gross’ and ‘unreasonable’. What’s that phrase about arguing with an idiot being like playing chess with a pigeon? It seems really appropriate on a thread where people’s genuine response to reading about a mother piling chocolate on her daughter’s bed and then calling her fat is to announce that as a size 12 the daughter IS fat and that’s all that matters...that’s all they take from the story. Not an ounce of understanding, not a shred of empathy. Just a gleeful registering on their heads that this is a thread about weight so it’s a brilliant opportunity for them to be smug and righteous and get in some excellent bitchy unpleasantness about vanity sizing and obesity crisis and so on and so on... All of them missing the point so spectacularly, missing every possible point and every chance to be constructive. Fuelling the problem further and further. Perpetuating damaging and toxic attitudes endlessly. It’s so frustrating!

Do not push your own weight issues on your child. That can have severe damaging effect that will last her a lifetime. Concentrate on your own weight loss journey & leave her be. And even if the outfit isn’t flattering for whatever reason, please say it nicer !

Why is no one concerned about the girl's behaviour?

A history of weight fluctuation. A history of binge eating. She needs some help.

Her mother got her an Easter egg - it's not an endorsement for binge eating. It's a great on Easter, which all the children got. Plenty other people on mumsnet got their grown up kids who live at home an Easter egg. The OP also didn't have a problem with her daughter getting am Easter egg - she had a problem with her scoffing the thing at 3am.

That is not normal behaviour. You don't wake up and see an Easter egg, then immediatly stuff it in your face. Not normal. No control over her compulsive junk food eating. I would have been furious if my kids did that.

No problem with them seeing their Easter treats and being pleased. But have breakfast, brush your teeth, wait until a more appropriate time for sweet. It is not ok to ear an entire Easter egg at 3am whilst lying in bed and then going back to sleep full of chocolate.

Nothing wrong with giving your kid chocolate, but it would be very much bad parenting to not raise an eyebrow when they've stuffed themselves with the something at 3am.

It sounds very much like a binge eating problem, and people need help with that sort of thing. She's possibly learned it from her mum, but that doesn't mean ignore it. It makes it even more important that her mum do something - starting with losing her own weight and finding ways to positively support her daughter.

She's going about it the wrong way. But ignoring compulsive eating like that would just be irresponsible.

I can't believe everyone here can't see the different between giving your kid an Easter egg for a nice treat, and having that chocolate scarfed down at 3am the second her daughter spotted it. It's not normal behaviour.

I have sweets in the cupboard. The kids are allowed treats. But if they started eating them at 3am, they'd be getting a talking too about appropriate eating habits. Does that make it hypocritical because "I've bought them sweets, and then told them they shouldn't stuff their face at 3am". It's called responsible parenting.

This mother has probably made a lot of mistakes with food and her daughter, but she should be trying to fix that. Not ignoring it.

YABU - can't believe you even have to ask. If she felt confidend in what she was wearing then you should really mind your own business. I'm 5ft2 and have been a size 12 and I certainly didn't look "chunky".

We all agree that it's a problem that shouldn't be ignored, @Avasarala that's not the issue. But it wasn't the best way to go about it to criticise her DD's outfit as she was on her way out, that was never going to achieve anything.

The OP should try to encourage her DD to go with her to Slimming World. Or at least she should go herself l and lose her own excess weight. In other words, she should lead by example.

And why did she put Easter Eggs at the end of her DD's bed, when she knew that she had a problem with binge eating?

The mother didn’t leave an Easter egg; she left a bag. The daughter may well need support; the OP mentions a history of bingeing. Someone with a history of bingeing will eat chocolate left on their bed in the early hours. Their binge eating won’t be cured by the person who left the chocolate getting ‘furious’. If they’re challenged on it, they’re likely to get defensive. They’ll feel ashamed even if they try to laugh it off. That swirl of uncomfortable feelings will knock the binger’s self esteem lower and lower.

I’ve struggled with compulsive bingeing - it’s not a matter of better willpower. I’ve never enjoyed a binge - it’s not just a bit of greedy over indulgence like at Christmas. It’s physically painful. It’s emotionally exhausting. It has long lasting effects and leaves scars on the soul.

If someone left a bag of chocolate on my bed and then scorned me for eating it, that would do me some serious damage. It would NOT help me, it would make another binge MORE likely not less. I’d be fatter and more entrenched in behaviour that would make me fatter still.

Jumping on that girl for eating the chocolate at 3am is not helpful in any way.

I said I'd be furious at my kids - they are 6 and 4. It's ok to tell a 4 year old off for taking sweets without asking.

I didn't say I'd be furious with the girl - I said she needs help. Binge Eating Disorder is just that, a disorder for which she needs helps. And everyone is saying "don't do anything, don't say anything, she can we are what she wants, ignore it". I think this goes a lot deeper than how the girl looked in her top.

But I can understand her mother's reaction, even though she chose the wrong way to go about showing her feelings. She didn't want to leave one of the children out and give the others the Easter eggs. So, she included her daughter. The girl binged. My point was that it's not healthy behaviour; it's behaviour that warrants help.

I've already talked about how OP said she had a binge eating problem, and her daughter has grown up to behave like that too so it was very misguided to leave her chocolate. But I can understand it - she wanted to give the kids' a treat and expected it to be eaten at a normal time. She didn't think through the whole situation of binge eating. Now, hopefully she's realised her mistake and will encourage some help.

You see, I didn’t advocate saying or doing nothing in my posts to the OP. But actually, saying and doing nothing would be better than what the OP did! I suggested ways she could help or support her daughter. I don’t think she should ignore it.

However, she CAN wear what she wants. Making her ashamed of being/looking fat will not help Feeling comfortable in her skin and confident to wear what she wants will help her have a healthier mind and that will help her have a healthier body. Telling her she can’t wear crop tops or bikinis is not right, it’s not true and it will only make things so much worse.

I wasn't directing my thing at you. But at all the people telling her never to do anything again.

I suggested better ways to approach, so did s fee others but most responses seem to be "do nothing".

Of course she can wear what she wants. Personally, I want to be told when something does not suit me but that's something my family know. Others want to choose for themselves and shouldn't be insulted. I never had issue with her dressing in a crop top. As I said, I think this is deeper than how she looks in a top.

I agree it goes much deeper. And one of the ways in which it does go deeper is in what it reflects about the policing of women’s bodies and society’s view that women must be decorative and therefore must be told if they’ve failed to dress in the most ‘flattering’ way. I wish I could ban the word ‘flattering’ from everyone’s vocabulary!

Interesting how op is concerned with the size of her dd and nonexistent dils, yet not concerned about her sons. Its not about health then really, is it? Its about appearance

Ava, I'm not sure why you keep calling a twenty year old woman a girl. She's a grown woman. Don't be so derogatory.

I think what bothers me most about this, is the ops, who has disappeared, dishonesty. Dishonesty with herself and anyone reading this.

On no planet is seeing your 20 year old daughter all dressed up and about to go on a night out and telling her she looks fat doing her a favour. The op knows it, it's why she felt shit. But instead of saying " yeah, I could have handled that better" she threw her daughter under the bus to defend herself. Talking about how she's was nearly a size 14, when she ate her eggs etc and tried to dress it up as some form of maternal kindness. She and us know it was nothing of the sort to pick that moment when she was all dressed up and heading out to tell her she looked fat. Her comment was intended to wound.

Then when questioned on her own weight, she immediately explained how that wasn't her fault at all. No mention of "yeah I eat too much v how little I move" And presented it as a fair accompli, showing she intends to keep right on over eating. Her weight is something that "happened to her". Again it's dishonest. She is responsible for what she consumes.

She then tells us she's going to do the same to her daughter in laws. Again pretending it's some form of altruism to tell size 12 women they are fat. When in reality she's just being bitter and judgemental, know it but doesn't want to be honest and admit it.

She'd be better off at least being honest with herself, if not us.

I just typed girl as it was an afterthought but it doesn't change any of the actually on-topic points made. It's still taking about the treatment of her daughter, who OP seems to still see her one of her little girls. I'm sorry if it was taken as an offence, but doesn't change anything about the conversation. I volunteer with a lot of kids and I'm too used to saying girls and boys. My mistake.

And I agree with you about the OP's way of dealing with this; lieing to herself about her weight situation and her own diet (I've already made that point directly to the OP on here so I'm in agreement). Also, agree with the OP ignoring her daughter's back story when dealing with this incident, and then ignoring everything to do with it when challenged. It isn't just that she didn't like her kids outfit; it's the whole way of approaching this if she's been doing that for years while her daughter has been having the same problem for years. And she's not getting her the right help, or acknowledging there is some underlying problem and family history.

Sure I agree with that Ava. I guess I was just pointing out she's an adult.

The daughter clearly has eating issues, how extreme they are I don't know, as we only have the mothers word and she's keen to make everything not her fault...thr daughter is a size 12 and could well be a healthy bmi. Sure eating an Easter egg at 3am ain't good, but at least she stopped at one and didn't binge eat the whole lot. Most folks with a binge eating disorder wouldn't have stopped till they were all eaten.

In my view the mother is the one with the much bigger issues here, she really needs to get her herself sorted, accept personal responsibility, instead of focusing on other women and their weight in such a negative manner.

I actually think we're all in agreement about the issues connected with the OP's behaviour towards her DD. We're also in agreement that being overweight is unhealthy and that the OP should take her own weight in hand, maybe going with her DD to Slimming World.

What we're discussing is how best to help people lose weight, especially women battling with eating disorders. It's not as simple as just telling them that they should get themselves to Slimming World and make the necessary lifestyle changes. We need to tackle the reasons why they overeat, otherwise the weight will just pile back on again. I know this only too well from my own personal experience.

I agree but the first step is accepting personal responsibility, and that fixing it is possible but only uou can do it. If the op can't be honest with herself or accept any personal responsibility for her weight then it's game over before it even began.

Living your life desperately unhappy due to something like your weight is such a waste. It's even worse when you then deflect that and try to make other women desperately unhappy about their weight too. It's no way to live.

Sure, it might be hard to spend a year losing weight. But it's a damn sight harder to spend thirty or forty years unhappy and doing nothing about it.

Agreed, Bluntness100 I've been there. I actually think the OP is actually sabotaging her DD's chances of losing weight. Putting Easter eggs at the foot of her bed???

In a single word, Yes!!
My mum was always very critical of my appearance when I was growing up. According to her my hair was too fine to be worn long so she took me to the hairdressers and instructed then to cut it all off (without telling me what was happening!). I was 12 & spent the next few months being mistaken for a boy - great for any pubescent girls self-esteem!!

My hips were too wide (I was a skinny size 6-8!) and as such I shouldn't wear x, y, z - all of which I now realise I looked fab in (looking back at photos) .

I didn't eat enough and was too scrawny.

I didn't choose to wear start wearing make-up when she thought I should so she spent the next couple of years hassling me about it.

My thighs were too chunky for someone who was so slim!

And so it went on. All of which has had a negative impact on my self-esteem and own body image. She still criticises my hair now (& I'm nearly 40!). As I get older, and have children of my own it's made me feel quite resentful about just how critical she was and I have vowed that I will not be like that with my own children. If they ask for my opinion then I will give it, but in a tactful manner.

This thread is so sad and yet indicative of the mess women are in, in terms of self esteem, weight issues and feeling their worth is calculated using a BMI chart.

I’ve had weight issues, all my life. I want to lose the same two stones I’ve lost and gained and lost and gained and.... you get the picture, I’m sure. I feel sorry for this young woman and many women who don’t feel they “fit” the norm. I wish I didn’t care, for myself but sadly we’re encouraged to look “young and fit” all our lives. It’s so wearing.

I know I can lose the weight this time. But the writing’s on the wall and I will most likely gain again.

Bluntness100 absolutely spot on.

Christ, how mean.

I'm glad you do feel bad - next time remember this feeling and hold your tongue!

She can wear what she likes! She's an adult! FAT PEOPLE CAN STILL LOOK BEAUTIFUL IN ALL KINDS OF CLOTHES!

She isn't dressing for you, so next time remember that your personal ideas of beauty and style aren't universal laws and support her in whatever decisions she wants to make about her own body, style and clothing.

Gosh is this still going on? Zzzzzzzzx

Just to clarify I said her top was 'unflattering'. I didn't tell her she looked like a beached whale and was doomed to spend her life alone as a fat, stinky cat lady because no one would want her. I said I it was rare that I didn't compliment her and normally told her she looked gorgeous.

I did not say DD couldn't wear a bikini. I said if she was worried about wearing one she should tone up.

I don't remember saying I binge eat unless you count 2 slices of toast with peanut butter as a late night supper as 'bingeing'. I do eat a chocolate bar a few times a week and most my diet is carb based due to not being arsed to cook a different veggie meal for myself which my carnivorous family will complain about. DD did not get a 3am chocolate habit from me!

Tra la la.

Op you sound so dismissive and scornful of the very real responses that have been made. And you are minimising. You said in your heading that you told your DD she looked fat. Own it for god's sake.

You said upthread how hilarious you found it when posters described a very real, response to your words, and how they feel they understand how your DD felt.

I can't really understand why you think this is all a bit of a joke. Maybe you are feeling defensive because you know you cocked up.Maybe. But you don't come across all that well- or empathetic.

Tra la la indeed.