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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told DD that she looked fat in that?

688 replies

ShushTush · 02/04/2018 00:45

DD is 20 and has fluctuated between a size 10-16 since she hit puberty.

At her biggest she was a size 16 a few years back and it really affected her confidence. It was mainly due to bingeing on family packs of sweets and chocolate.

She was going out tonight with a cropped top on and it really wasn't all that flattering (she's a size 12 at the moment) and I immediately told her as I didn't want anyone else to. Obviously she was very pissed off and insisted she looked fine so I said her opinion was all that matters and off she went.

I feel crap now of course. I had advised her a while back that she's looking chunky and she should exercise more. I always advise exercise rather than diets as she's tried really restrictive ones before.

I'm overweight with a lot to lose (since DC) and I've told her that I don't want her to end up like me as it creeps on slowly so she needs to keep on top of it, not to put her down but so she doesn't end up like me.

WIBU. Hate to think of her going out feeling like crap Sad.

OP posts:
Ladywillpower · 02/04/2018 01:30

Am I understanding correctly that you are going to keep tabs on future DILs weight too?
I doubt that is going to end well!

RebelRogue · 02/04/2018 01:42

Can you imagine that?

OP: oh dear DIL,you're a bit chunky after having a baby.
DIL:errr
OP: here,let me have the baby and you go to the gym, gotta get that flab off. Just don't wear a crop top,you look fat in that,
DIL: fuck off!

GnotherGnu · 02/04/2018 01:42

You won't "let" any future DiLs put on weight? How exactly do you propose to stop them? If there's one sure way of driving your sons and their families away, that's it.

OP, you just have to stop obsessing about your daughter's weight. My mother used to go on about mine, and frankly it sent me straight to the biscuit barrel every time.

RebelRogue · 02/04/2018 01:43

My aunt is still going ballistic (5yrs and a 2yo child on) that my cousin married a fat woman.GrinGrin

Charolais · 02/04/2018 01:47

I’ve seen girls walking around in crop tops with their bellies hanging over in the front. They look an awful sight and I’ve often thought the poor things must have not mums that love them to let them go out like that.

We always wore figure flattering clothes when I was a youngster. When mini skirts and hot-pants were all the ‘rage’ I avoided them because, even though I was 7.5 stone, my legs didn’t look nice in them.

Original poster
ShushTush · 02/04/2018 01:49

My comment about future DILs was not about keeping tabs on their weight but helping out when they have kids so they can have time for themselves. I became fat due to becoming much more sedentary when I had kids, not thinking about myself and eating crap because I was bored shitless. My mother never babysat.

I have tried to impress on DD about getting fit and staying fit when she has kids so she doesn't end up like me. My weight crept up on me over the years and I use myself as a role model on how NOT to be Grin.

DD often asks me if she looks OK when she's going out and I usually tell her she looks gorgeous as she does.

I rarely say she doesn't which is why I felt shit tonight.

Clubs are open tonight where we are btwHmm.

She's quite a bit shorter than me and has a different body shape so the crop top would have looked better if she was toned up and hadn't spent most of her free time this winter in bed. She's closer to a 14 as most of her bottoms have elasticated waists.

I go to the gym but she won't come.

She had a bag of Easter eggs as all the DC did. She was laughing about eating one during the night. Even my 6 year old wouldn't do that!

OP posts:
ItsuAddict · 02/04/2018 01:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HelenaDove · 02/04/2018 01:50

"You wont let future DILs put on weight"

Please tell me you are not bringing your sons up to believe they are entitled to model types.

gingergenius · 02/04/2018 01:51

You're projecting your own insecurities on to her. So yes.Now she feels crap!

ShovingLeopard · 02/04/2018 01:51

You seem excessively fixated on external appearances, OP. Are you really sure that is the main thing you want to focus on in life?

HelenaDove · 02/04/2018 01:53

was a long time ago Itsu when i was 29, im 45 this year.

I was sent to a dietician when i was eight years old..........EIGHT. A better prescription would have been more excersise.

i lost 5 pounds in a month and the dietician told me it wasnt enough.

it was very damaging.

gingergenius · 02/04/2018 01:55

Fucking hell my mother told me I was 'well built' at tje age of 8. I've looked at photos of myself. I was a stick.

I ended up bulimic for years.

If she felt ok in what she was wearing, you should really pipe down. She's 20, not 5. The days of you telling her what she can wear are long gone

RebelRogue · 02/04/2018 01:56

@ShushTush how much weight have you lost?

Original poster
ShushTush · 02/04/2018 01:56

I don't buy family packs of chocolate BTW. She does and won't bloody share!

I am wise enough to know that while external appearances shouldn't be important Leopard. They are.

OP posts:
kateandme · 02/04/2018 02:00

oh dear.seriously this doesn't sound like it is the first time you might have made her feel this way also.if this Is ur mindset you give this off I'm assuming to her all the timewhethr in comments or attitude.i say this considering with what you've just put.and she will feel it.and she will hurt from it.i cant quite believe a mum would do this.and at a size 13.and she was comfortable wearing it.if she was a size 16 and went out like that.screw others who might think whatever.teach her to tell them to fuck off.did she feel beautiful....now I'm guessing not.anf this is the type of attitude that will push a girl,whos mum obviously goes on at her bout her weight.to an edge.and a poorly one.be careful.
you want her to be healthy and feel great.giving words like chunky or fat is showing he ryou want that just judghing her size and looks!
and are you putting your own fears and weight troubles onto your daughter before she needs to worry.
size 12
oh my.

Darkstar4855 · 02/04/2018 02:01

YABU. The only person whose opinion of her looks matters is her. If she’s happy with how she looks then leave her be. So what if it’s not the most flattering look? That’s her choice to make not yours. Why make mean comments and undermine her confidence? I don’t get it.

She’s old enough to decide for herself if she needs to lose weight and if she’s a size 12 then she’s clearly a healthy weight anyway. Unless she specifically asks your opinion I would shut up and leave her alone.

HelenaDove · 02/04/2018 02:01

Isnt it funny how threads about bodies looks and weight always tend to appear on these boards around or on holidays that feature chocolate.

OkPedro · 02/04/2018 02:01

My niece and sister ASK me if what they are wearing looks good on them
If it doesn't...am I supposed to say they look good?
It has nothing to do with jealousy or how I look
They are both beautiful women regardless of what they are wearing but

Sometimes what they wear looks awful
I'd like to think if what I'm wearing makes me look like shit then my friends or family would tell me

HelenaDove · 02/04/2018 02:03

Im a 14 OP a 16 in some trousers due to some loose skin ive got on my stomach due to weight loss.

You focusing primarily on looks is going to give your daughter a whole lot of issues.

VladmirsPoutine · 02/04/2018 02:03

I've often thought it's not what you say but how you say it. In the main I agree that if your mum/ close friend/relative can't tell you kindly then who can because the world outside certainly isn't going to be kind about it.

My mum, siblings and I are very open with each-other when it comes to things like this.

Take some of the previous posts with some measure; some people have been left with life-long mental scars or issues or have gone no-contact with their mothers over things like this; whilst some of us thank our lucky stars that we have people (mothers) in our lives that only want the best for us and sometimes that means saying the hard truth.

Good luck to you and your dd.

Original poster
ShushTush · 02/04/2018 02:07

As I said previously, I have very rarely told her she doesn't look great which is why I felt crap this evening and posted about it. Otherwise I wouldn't have.

OP posts:
Sakurasnail · 02/04/2018 02:07

Fucking hell my mother told me I was 'well built' at tje age of 8. I've looked at photos of myself. I was a stick.
Some of this might be generational. Ppl generally were of a leaner build before everyone had a car and food was less processed and packed with sugar. My mum was told she was big. She wasn't. But neither did she end up with an eating disorder. It's different for everyone.

Oh, and it's not just trolls out at this time. Huge numbers of ppl live in a different time zone to the UK...

gingergenius · 02/04/2018 02:07

My mother never babysat either. I've got three kids. I'm a single parent. I run a business and have recently gone back to uni. I am also bored shitless on occasion. Oh. and am a size 10/12. So not everyone who has kids will turn out like you. I want to make it clear that I don't care what size you are. I do care that you are using your insecurities about yourself as an excuse to belittle your daughter. She'll work it out for herself. Or not. That's her journey, not yours.

gingergenius · 02/04/2018 02:10

@Sakurasnail I said that! I'm 48 not 108! Please don't do the 'oh in the olden days...' thing Confused

RebelRogue · 02/04/2018 02:10

had advised her a while back that she's looking chunky

Not in the context of an outfit,or a night out or kindly or whatever. Unless chunky is supposed to be the kind version of fat.

OP is making comments just because she can.

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