Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told DD that she looked fat in that?

688 replies

ShushTush · 02/04/2018 00:45

DD is 20 and has fluctuated between a size 10-16 since she hit puberty.

At her biggest she was a size 16 a few years back and it really affected her confidence. It was mainly due to bingeing on family packs of sweets and chocolate.

She was going out tonight with a cropped top on and it really wasn't all that flattering (she's a size 12 at the moment) and I immediately told her as I didn't want anyone else to. Obviously she was very pissed off and insisted she looked fine so I said her opinion was all that matters and off she went.

I feel crap now of course. I had advised her a while back that she's looking chunky and she should exercise more. I always advise exercise rather than diets as she's tried really restrictive ones before.

I'm overweight with a lot to lose (since DC) and I've told her that I don't want her to end up like me as it creeps on slowly so she needs to keep on top of it, not to put her down but so she doesn't end up like me.

WIBU. Hate to think of her going out feeling like crap Sad.

OP posts:
Sakurasnail · 02/04/2018 01:02

I understand why you said it though. It's awful thinking some stranger (or 'friend') could say something hurtful and self esteem damaging to your kid. Which could be worse than you trying to prevent it initially. I totally get it.
Maybe saying a different outfit was more flattering would have gone down better though. (Although we all know better in hindsight... )

Wheresthebeach · 02/04/2018 01:02

If you were hoping for people to reassure you, then I think you're going to be disappointed!

Size 12 isn't fat.

If you think it is, then you're setting her up for failure, and yourself too.

Sort your own issues out - don't push them onto your DD.

lizabes · 02/04/2018 01:02

It doesn't matter what your relationship to them is, unsolicited comments about someone's weight are never okay.

Sort out your own body image issues and leave your poor daughter alone.

Brendaofbeechhouse · 02/04/2018 01:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Gwenhwyfar · 02/04/2018 01:03

"(is size 12 fat now?"

A size 12 these days is much bigger than it was 15 years ago. I'm a size 12 (14 in some shops) and was a couple of pounds away from being overweight when I weighed myself after Christmas.

Original poster
ShushTush · 02/04/2018 01:04

Exactly Sakura. Thank you.

I did say isn't it a bit cold for that first.

OP posts:
Pimpernell182 · 02/04/2018 01:05

Well crop tops and bulging bellies don't go do they?

Says who? It seems you are projecting your own ideas about body image on to your DD. Interestingly, you say you are also overweight. Would your choice of outfits meet with the approval of fashion editors, or would perhaps some of the items you were 'not go' with your bodily flaws?

If she can't rely on her mother to tell her, who can she?

Why would she need anyone to tell her?

I wasn't being mean,

I'm afraid you were.

just didn't want someone else to say it!

And you have prevented this happening how?

As you are clearly not a person to make bones about bald statements, I'm afraid to say if you are overweight yourself and have been since having DC who are now teenagers then you are partly to blame for any unhealthy eating habits that have contributed to your daughter's weight fluctuations.

TheStoic · 02/04/2018 01:06

I'm a size 12 (14 in some shops) and was a couple of pounds away from being overweight when I weighed myself after Christmas.

So you weighed yourself and you weren’t overweight?

MarthaArthur · 02/04/2018 01:07

Op everyone will pile on you with their own insecurities. If you cant rely on your own mother to tell you the truth when can you? My Dm will tell me when i look ugky and shit in something. She has told.me i look fat in a particular top once and im a size 8. She was correct i did look fat. I appreciate her honestly. Maybe your DD will do as well. Its never easy to hear the truth but that doesnt mean the truth shouldnt be told.

Pimpernell182 · 02/04/2018 01:08

you wear

TheStoic · 02/04/2018 01:09

Is it worth reporting trolls and/or socks here these days?

MarthaArthur · 02/04/2018 01:09

For some reason weight is a massive taboo now that no one is allowed to mention unless said person is thin then its free reign to comment. And people saying size 12 is hardly fat it depends on height and build. I would be obese at size 12. We dont know what ops daughter looks like.

Original poster
ShushTush · 02/04/2018 01:10

I was a size 8 until I had my first DC at 25. I put on weight (size 20 now) as I didn't look after myself or make time for myself, and had no one to help out. I won't let that happen to her or any future DILs I have.

OP posts:
FourPillars · 02/04/2018 01:10

Ahhh, do as I say, not as I do.
You’re a terrible role model in terms of weight control and mean as well. Lovely combination, your poor DD.
At least you have enough insight to know this though, hope you can make things right when she comes homes.

SnipSnipMrBurgess · 02/04/2018 01:11

What a horrible thing to say to your daughter. Well done you. You are setting your daughter up for a life time.of low self esteem and body issues.

Why don't you concentrate on the fact that you are so obviously fat and jealous of your young slim daughter and start exercising your self.

RebelRogue · 02/04/2018 01:11

Unless your DD asked for your opinion or is worried about gaining weight then let her be.
Maybe she's happy being a size 12.
Maybe she thinks she's rocking that crop top and confident wearing it.
Maybe she didn't give a shit what other people thought until her own mum said "sorry love you're too fat for that".

She has a mirror and eyes and decided she looked well enough to go out like that.

TheBeastInMsRooneysRoom · 02/04/2018 01:12

My overweight mother used to do this to me as a teen. I suffered with eating disorders in my late teens / early twenties and even now, that voice in my head that tells me I'm not to be seen is hers. She would be mortified to know that she caused all that happened later but she undoubtedly did. She phoned me yesterday and asked how I was eating and when I said I had gained a little told me "well if you've put it all back on what was the point?" I never said or implied I had regained ALL my weight (I lost over 100lbs and had skin removal). It's like she wants to hear that it's impossible to succeed in this area to validate her own inability to get a handle on it. PLEASE make a decision not to comment on your daughter's weight. It's got absolutely nothing to do with you and you have nothing to bring to the conversation that will help. Deal with your own body.

MarthaArthur · 02/04/2018 01:12

The whole role model thing is a red herring. It doesnt matter what the parsnt does they could have done a shit load of drugs and slept with 100 people in one afternoon in their youth i bet they would advise their kids not to do it. The op knows how much she struggles with her weight and she doesnt want that for her dd.

KarmaStar · 02/04/2018 01:12

A size 12 is a healthy size and she is at a very vulnerable age where comments dog deep.When I was the same age my mum said this to me and I never forgot it.I was a 12 and went on a drastic diet and had issues for a while after.
Not sure how you will repair this as you can't take it back.
Can apologise and be more supportive and encouraging in future.
I hope she is ok OP.

RebelRogue · 02/04/2018 01:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

lattewith3shotsplease · 02/04/2018 01:13

OP,
Why don't you and your DD join a gym and "get fit" together.

Words are like weapons....they hurt. Your poor DD Sad

KarmaStar · 02/04/2018 01:13

Dig deep!

nocoolnamesleft · 02/04/2018 01:13

You're calling her fat, telling her she needs to lose weight, and at the same time buying her Easter eggs?

That sounds seriously fucked up.

Brendaofbeechhouse · 02/04/2018 01:15

The stoic, after midnight on a bank holiday, probably not.
I think their mummies should unplug the routers.

NeedingAdvicePlease · 02/04/2018 01:15

I don’t think YABU. Am sure it isn’t nice to hear or say but it’s true. Not many people can pull off a crop top and it can look awful on the wrong body type.

Swipe left for the next trending thread