I can't stand my SIL

[SunnieCJ]

She's married to DH's brother. They got married last summer after about 2 years of dating. They live next door to MIL while we live in different city. We go visit and stay with MIL during holidays or whenever we can (She's getting quite ill) SIL and her husband would come over for dinner (I cook 90% of the time) I don't mind cooking and preparing food but she has never ever offer to help or even cook one single meal. She would stay at her place until everything is already prepped then casually ask me if there's anything she can do to help. I just get so frustrated with her. she never cleans up after even though she promised she would.

Same thing happened today. She told us not to do the dishes because she would come do it first thing in the morning. She finally came over around 4.5pm and obviously someone else already tidy up the kitchen. I asked her... oh I thought you said you were coming to clean in the morning then she told me"oh yeah but I slept instead"

Can someone tell me what kind of response is that? It just gets really frustrated because it's really not our responsibility to take care and look after her especially when we are just visiting. She is 36 and older than me.

The whole family know she's lazy and her little tricks when it comes to avoid housework. But I refuse to let her ruin my quality time with the family. Should I confront her or should I just ignore her? Help!

Why are you not angry that your BiL never offers to tidy up in his mother's house?

Presumably the men were falling over themselves to help you but she was the only one sitting down?

Why do you invite her to the dinner. If you can be direct enough to ask why she did not turn up to clear up, dont invite her.

I also have to ask what is wrong with the men, have they no hands or just bad manners?

It is odd that you’re mad at just her but maybe there are other stuff people are doing not stated.

Anyway, maybe you need to turn it into a family joke in her presence. Or just accept she’s lazy and one if you will be doing it or ask her if she could do xyz now rather than offer. Even if it’s one of you saying “SIL, could you give me a hand with the dishes. We’d rather do them now than have to deal with it in the morning” or whatever

As the PPs have said, her behaviour is irritating. I totally understand your annoyance with what you describe.
But is there another reason why you can't stand her? Because what you've posted is quite slender.

Aloo, if she lives close and you further away, you don't know what she does when you aren't around?

Yes. Why is she the only one you’re expecting help from? And why are you not being assertive about not cooking for everyone every night anyway?

It sounds like you’re aiming your frustration at her for a situation which is partly of your own making and also the fault of the others. She’s smart if she’s not letting herself be roped into this nonsense.

Next time get a pizza each for you and sick MIL and tell the rest of them to sort themselves out.

Only other thought I had is; does she usually feed and look after MIL? Perhaps they think seeing as you don’t have to pitch in much with her care you’re giving them a bit of a break. If that’s the case they might have a point too...

Well yes as above - why just SIL that should help, what does BIL do?

Anyway if it's clearly being done deliberately rather than she gets lost in the chat & doesn't notice you've done everything, I favour the direct approach - you can be direct without being rude. I say may not notice as I still feel bad that I visited a friend I hadn't seen for ages who is a good cook & doesn't let you help get the meal ready, I just sat back, relaxed, chatted & enjoyed a lovely meal - it did take me rather too long to notice she was running around clearing up too & that I was too slow to offer to help.

"well Jane, I cooked so it's up to you & John to clear up"

"I cooked today so next time how about you & John cook for us all?"

"nice try Jane, we all know you're not going to come round in the morning to clear up, so why don't you get started now & I'll put the kettle on so we can all have a cup of tea once you're done" - said in a jokey way but clear that you mean it

It depends how often it happens - once or twice a year I couldn't get excited about, a couple of times a month I'd be saying something & if that didn't work I just wouldn't cook for them - but have a meal before they came round, after they'd left or order takeaway making sure everyone chips in as she sounds like she probably would try & get out of paying her share too!

MiL is getting quite ill. Perhaps they are doing rather a lot for her, given they live beside her and you and your dh being there is a bit of a break? I think you’re being a bit unfair tbh.

I presume BIL has some sort of disability preventing him from helping.

Lock the doors at mealtimes. Don't answer the door to SIL and BIL if they ring the bell.

Why does your DH not cook at his mum's? Or BIL? Presumably you don't want to feed BIL either?

They sound like cheeky fivjers, stop letting them get away with it!!

What were the blokes doing? Because I really dislike women who matte themselves and expect other women to do the same.

Having said that, she does sound irritating!

*martyr

Do she and her DH help your DM out day-to-day? Shopping, popping in to change the clocks, having her over to theirs for meals, picking up prescriptions etc?
Does DB do anything to help his DM out?

Op doesn't read like English is her first language.
Maybe it's a cultural thing, that the women do all the donkey work.
In which case the SIL would be expected to help out, yes.

What I'd like to know is, does the SIL help out at any point when you are NOT there, OP? As in, does she go in and cook and clean for your increasingly-sick MIL at other times, when you don't see it?
IF she does, then I can see why she would take a break when you are there.
But if she does nothing in between your visits, then she is totally taking the piss and you should stop cooking for her.

Next time, tell her that you expect her to bring her own contribution to the dinner, and after dinner, say to her "come on SIL, time to clear up, you can start washing and I'll dry" (then don't dry up).

But first check she does nothing in between your visits.

No. She doesn't help with MIL at all. BIL does help with cleaning but not her.

Meanwhile, me and DH do all the grocery shopping and bring down the food. We didn't invite them over but they just show up. Hard to turn them away.

Don’t turn them away but don’t make enough for them.
Cook for yourself DH and DMIL.
I’m fact Pre cook and take with you.
If she moans say I’m sick of cooking and cleaning every time I come I want to spend time with MIL.

Do they look after MIL the rest of the time when you’re not there though?

If not, that’s very CF behaviour.

Could you allocate them jobs?

“Oh BIL, we forgot to get desert would you mind popping out and grabbing something please?”

“I’m a bit behind today, would you mind doing XYZ please?”

“Oh SIL, would you mind just doing those dishes when I serve up, please?”

Or go and knock when you arrive and ask them if they’re coming for dinner and if so, could they help! Sometimes you have to be direct. All fine if done with a smile!

Maybe because she doesn't come from an old-fashioned family where women are expected to do the cooking and cleaning?

When we go to my parents, I tend to do more of the domestic duties to help my parents. When we go to my OH's mum, he will do more. If someone offers to cook, I certainly wouldn't butt in by saying I wanted to get involved, mainly because if it was the other way around, it would annoy me more than anything.

Next time maybe your BIL can do the cooking?

I can’t bear leaving washing up overnight, so I’m with you on that one! But why does she have to help with cooking, tidying up etc, where are your DH and BIL? Perhaps they should be helping their mother.

There might be method in her madness. If I lived near an ill MiL I'd make sure that I wasn't dragged into the looking-after. Then it'd be my job for the next ten years, everyone happy that that problem was sorted.

Stop doing all the work, then you won't feel hard-done-by. MiL is her sons' problem, not yours or your SiL.

I think what bothers me the most is she always comes around when food is already being made and dishes are already done then she would say she feels bad that she didn't help. She then offer to clean up and do the dishes after. But she will always get "tired" then leave everything in the kitchen and won't show up the next day until late afternoon.

DH cooks and clean with me.BIL work late but does help with cleaning time to time. MIL is aware of the issue that's also why I know she doesn't help out with MIL and etc.

I'm with you about leaving washing up overnight, I absolutely can't stand that. But I personally don't enjoy having people coming to help in the kitchen, as they just get under my feet. But your SIL shouldn't offer to help and then not follow through on that.

I find it hard to believe she and your BIL don't do anything when you're not around, though, as you say your MIL is in poor health so presumably needs help at other times as well.

Okay, cross post. In that case, then yes she's very lazy.

Eat before they arrive

Also reads to me that you expect her cooking help but not help from the men, which I don’t understand. If BIL isn’t helping cook then why would you expect SIL?