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AIBU?

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Original poster

I can't stand my SIL

185 replies

SunnieCJ · 01/04/2018 00:45

She's married to DH's brother. They got married last summer after about 2 years of dating. They live next door to MIL while we live in different city. We go visit and stay with MIL during holidays or whenever we can (She's getting quite ill) SIL and her husband would come over for dinner (I cook 90% of the time) I don't mind cooking and preparing food but she has never ever offer to help or even cook one single meal. She would stay at her place until everything is already prepped then casually ask me if there's anything she can do to help. I just get so frustrated with her. she never cleans up after even though she promised she would.

Same thing happened today. She told us not to do the dishes because she would come do it first thing in the morning. She finally came over around 4.5pm and obviously someone else already tidy up the kitchen. I asked her... oh I thought you said you were coming to clean in the morning then she told me"oh yeah but I slept instead"

Can someone tell me what kind of response is that? It just gets really frustrated because it's really not our responsibility to take care and look after her especially when we are just visiting. She is 36 and older than me.

The whole family know she's lazy and her little tricks when it comes to avoid housework. But I refuse to let her ruin my quality time with the family. Should I confront her or should I just ignore her? Help! Confused

OP posts:
swingofthings · 01/04/2018 11:03

Why are you having a go at her? I think your BIL is the one out of order. Working late is no excuse for not helping his mum. As someone said, maybe she cares for her mother when they visit.

Leaving dirty dishes over night is disgusting, but if she wasn't going to do it then, for whatever reason, then your BIL should have been doing it (and then take it up with his wife if thought she should have done it for whatever reason). Same with the ubber thing, why didn't your BIL pipped in to say he would do it?

It comes across as if you have decided from the start that you don't like her and see to blame her for everything.

Original poster
SunnieCJ · 01/04/2018 11:23

@swingofthings I didn't dislike her. I'm just a little fed up with her manners. Do you think I should take the issue to BIL? I don't want to cause a big drama within the family.

OP posts:
Labradoodliedoodoo · 01/04/2018 11:25

Why not tell them that they need to alternate cooking and clearing away so you’re not doing everything. Have you explained the issue to them?

Labradoodliedoodoo · 01/04/2018 11:29

I think you don’t need to make a big issue. You say to both BIL and his wife ‘you cook 3 days and we will cook three days. Which days can you sort the meal out? Then hold them to it. Dont rescue. Also explain that you will wash up on the days they cook and they can wash up on the days you cook. Then wait for them to do it.

Knittedfairies · 01/04/2018 11:34

Labradoodlie’s idea of alternating is a good one, but I suggest whoever cooks washes up as well, otherwise she may decamp on your cooking day and you’d have to wash up anyway.

swingofthings · 01/04/2018 11:43

Well you say in your title that you can't stand her.

Belindabauer · 01/04/2018 11:46

Why don't you tell your dh that you are not cooking and cleaning up after bil and sil?
Order a takeaway for three, you can order it early, lock the door so that sil and bil are not there and eat it.
Don't make bil or sil drinks.
They can make their own.
Just make your own, if tbey question why tell them! You are lazy fuckers and I'm sick of washing up after you both.
If they happen to come when your take away arrives sit and eat it!
Remember it is bils mother not his wife's.

WorraLiberty · 01/04/2018 11:51

Even with the subsequent post stating DH cooks and clean with me.BIL work late but does help with cleaning time to time

I still think this is about you doing all the work and the men doing little to nothing, because you only mentioned the above when so many posters pointed it out.

Read your OP back, it's all about how much you do and how little your SIL does.

Maybe she's fed up of the men seeing it as women's work and that's why she doesn't do it?

LannieDuck · 01/04/2018 12:13

I have to agree with those who are pointing out that all your complaints about SIL actually include BIL too, but you're giving him a free pass?

You say that she creates a lot more washing and tidying up when she comes to dinner with MIL, but part of that is from your BIL?

She asked for an uber and didn't pay for it, but your BIL shared it home too, and presumably didn't pay either?

I acknowledge that BIL helps 'from time to time', but that's hardly a ringing endorsement. I'm another one who suspects they pick up all the day-to-day small jobs that your MIL might need while you're not there, so enjoy the opportunity to have a break while you are there.

I certainly wouldn't talk to BIL about it, but if you feel you must, phrase it as 'the two of you don't pull your weight', instead of 'SIL doesn't pull her weight'.

Original poster
SunnieCJ · 01/04/2018 12:42

You're right. I guess I am a bit harsh on SIL. I'm not too happy about BIL, either. But he does help with cleaning. She does not. She does create more dishes and such and leaves her eaten fruits on the table. He's hardly home when we are there. But he definitely should share the housework.

OP posts:
Lacucuracha · 01/04/2018 12:48

Who is this family member living with MIL? It sounds like they must pick up the day to day tasks?

Maybe she's fed up of the men seeing it as women's work and that's why she doesn't do it?

But she shouldn't add to OP's work and turn up for dinner and then fuck off home without helping?

I detest 'wifework' and share housework with my DH but I think OP has the right to decide who she does and does not want to cook for.

She may resent BIL less for turning up for dinner than she resents SIL but surely that is her prerogative?

DayKay · 01/04/2018 13:07

Just talk to her directly. You can be polite about it if you don’t like confrontation (I don’t either).
Ask her to cook something. Ask her to help. If she asks you to call an Uber, make an excuse. Say there’s no money in the account that’s linked to Uber or something.
Just be a bit more direct about things. Seething to yourself and having expectations of others that they don’t know about, doesn’t help.

DancesWithOtters · 01/04/2018 13:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 01/04/2018 13:29

But she shouldn't add to OP's work and turn up for dinner and then fuck off home without helping?

I'm not saying it's right, but almost everyone I know with an ill or elderly parent to care for, because they live the nearest, says that they wishes their siblings would do more.

Maybe there's an element of "we're going to relax and let them do their bit for a change"?

Just a thought really.

Lacucuracha · 01/04/2018 13:59

I understand that Worra, I am expected to do more for my mum than my sisters (shopping, hospital appointments) because I drive and they do not. I also work full time but I'm expected to spend every weekend with mum. It puts pressure on me and DH but I love my mum.

However, OP has said SIL doesn't help MIL and that there is another family member in the house who does the day to day stuff, with help from BIL.

Lizzie48 · 01/04/2018 14:34

I think that, regardless of the fact that the SIL doesn't do anything to help, she clearly resents living next door to her MIL, and might well feel that her DH does too much for her when she already has a carer. Certainly, to me the attitude sounds like a protest of some sort.

OP, you don't have to do as much as you are. Maybe it's time to make things easier for yourself. You should be having this conversation with them rather than with random strangers online.

Lizzie48 · 01/04/2018 14:34

There won't be any change to this if you don't put your foot down and refuse to do so much.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 01/04/2018 14:35

Resentment is building up because of a lack of communication. It sounds like there are traditional alloted roles and no one challenges them. What is a realistic way forward. You need to speak kindly, firmly and directly to your sister in law. Try to get her on your side as you will both need to co-operate with an MIL who is unwell.

Birdsgottafly · 01/04/2018 16:01

If she doesn't work and your BIL is the earner, why hasn't your DH chased him for the money for the Uber?

I think that all of the unfairness that you are heaping on her, when she is not solely responsible, if at all and not shared equally, may be what she is kicking against, as said.

Turquoise123 · 02/04/2018 17:46

I think the pre cooking idea is very neat- you could say you just pulled things out of the freezer . Great plan - solves the problem with no hard feelings

Studentwife · 02/04/2018 18:03

I also have a SIL similar to you OP. One Christmas, I was 8 months pregnant with two other kids and still working full time and invited her, her child and MIL for Christmas lunch. I’d prepared everything, cooked it all and as usual it was a huge spread. They turned up almost and hour late, completely empty handed (this is the norm) and she had the cheek to complain the turkey was dry and ‘why didn’t I make the cranberry sauce myself as it was easy’ 🙄 Needless to say I ran into the kitchen and burst into tears! Thankfully my DH told her to do one!
Let’s face it some people are just arseholes.
Interesting, although my DH and I have been together for 30 I’ve never been invited there for Christmas of Easter lunch 😡
Some people!

Tistheseason17 · 02/04/2018 18:09

If you choose to cook/clean for your MIL that is up to you.

YABU to expect another DIL to feel the same as you.

I think your irritation is misdirected. The family members who should be pulling their fingers out are the 2 brothers.

If I lived next door to my MIL, I wouldn't want to start something that I had to continue when you're not there. I love my MIL but I don't want to clean and tidy up after her every day.

colditz · 02/04/2018 18:14

The whole family know she's lazy and her little tricks when it comes to avoid housework.

Not her house

Not her mother

Not her housework

Lacucuracha · 02/04/2018 18:22

Not her food either then.

Lizzie48 · 02/04/2018 18:23

No, you are right, @colditz and that would stand if it weren't for the fact that she's perfectly happy to enjoy the food that the OP cooks without even being invited. How is that not being a CF, to use the MN term?

If she chose not to come round, then it wouldn't be an issue.

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