I can't stand my SIL

[SunnieCJ]

She's married to DH's brother. They got married last summer after about 2 years of dating. They live next door to MIL while we live in different city. We go visit and stay with MIL during holidays or whenever we can (She's getting quite ill) SIL and her husband would come over for dinner (I cook 90% of the time) I don't mind cooking and preparing food but she has never ever offer to help or even cook one single meal. She would stay at her place until everything is already prepped then casually ask me if there's anything she can do to help. I just get so frustrated with her. she never cleans up after even though she promised she would.

Same thing happened today. She told us not to do the dishes because she would come do it first thing in the morning. She finally came over around 4.5pm and obviously someone else already tidy up the kitchen. I asked her... oh I thought you said you were coming to clean in the morning then she told me"oh yeah but I slept instead"

Can someone tell me what kind of response is that? It just gets really frustrated because it's really not our responsibility to take care and look after her especially when we are just visiting. She is 36 and older than me.

The whole family know she's lazy and her little tricks when it comes to avoid housework. But I refuse to let her ruin my quality time with the family. Should I confront her or should I just ignore her? Help!

Colditz
But it is her gob eating the food. And her hands making all the mess. And her ignorance and piss taking - along with bil - not helping out by providing food, cooking, cleaning up and clearing.

"Can you go round the house and collect all the used mugss/cups and bring them here now."
"Could you clean up the table, get rid of all those fruit left-overs, and bring the crocks over here."
etc

You can progress to "maybe next time you come for dinner, could you bring pudding/starter/veg. I'll phone you to remind you if you need me to"

Just keep giving her jobs to be done NOW while everyone's clearing up/helping. Do that with everyone. Don't leave the washing up, take charge and allocate everyone a job when food's finished and people are looking like dispersing. Catch everyone as they're leaving the table.

Funny how the house, mil and op are good enough for her when she smells a free meal and wants to be waited on hand and foot.

She doesnt have to be there every day but to expect to sit and do nothing while op and her dp visit and do everything is selfish. Families pull together.

I am struggling to understand how this works to be honest.

You visit your MIL in holidays and whenever you can - so, about 5/6 times a year?

When you stay, you cook every night ( I appreciate this may be the case because of MILS illness) and when you do, as if by magic, SIL and BIL appear? How are they timing their visits so perfectly? How come they never pop round and you have already eaten or are mid way through your meal? This doesn't sound right.

How are you rustling up extra food for them? If I were cooking for three people, it wouldn't stretch to five.

I feel there is some missing information.

Some people aren't very good at cooking/housework. Maybe she feels you like taking over and she just thinks it's better to leave you to it, or you are a better cook/cleaner than her and she thinks she won't meet your standards? I do feel it is odd that only SIL gets the grief though.

I think that maybe the BIL and SIL do the lions share of caring for ailing MIL and are glad of the break when the OP visits.

mamma
Op has already said someone else cares for mil. Sil does nothing.

I a still at a loss as to why lots of posters are ignoring that OP's DH and BIL are also in the house. Why is OP focused on SIL?

Men can do the dishes, too and tidy up. And 5-6 times a year irritates you to be with your SIL. More to this...

Tis the season my first thought was what about the brother. So annoying when threads continue the women's work stuff

Carrying your own cup or plate through to the kitchen when you have had a cuppa and biscuit is hardly 'womens work'. Its just manners. Sil cant even manage that. And why promise to come and do the dishes then say "oh i slept longer instead." ? I.e. "i cant be bothered to repay the favour of you cooking a meal for me once again so just do it yourself".

Everyone should be mucking in not just op and her dp. If she is good enough to cook for them then she is good enough to have help with the aftermath.

The BIL question has already been discussed upthread. Maybe OP doesn't mind as much about the BIL eating because she says he does help with cleaning, whereas SIL does nothing?

It really seems like some posters are giving her a free pass purely because she is a woman. How strange that a woman can get regular favours from another woman but can then refuse to help with the consequences and its all ok. "Shes a woman she doesnt need to do wife work."🤔

Funny how op seems to manage making a meal for this paragon of feminism without spontaneously combusting.

It is BIL responsibility. He's the son!! I have RTFT and it's not properly answered for s visit that takes place 5/6 times a yr 🤔

I quite agree, @Willow2017 I don't understand why some posters are refusing to see that. This isn't really about 'wifework', it's about manners and this SIL being a CF. She doesn't have to go round to her MIL's house for a meal uninvited after all.

Apart from picking up her own stuff, I fail to see why it's her responsibility to clean up her MILs house. I wouldn't, I'd see that as her children's job to help out, if they wanted to.

But that's what's being complained about here, that she doesn't clear up behind herself. She just shows up for a free meal.

It is BIL responsibility. He's the son!! I have RTFT and it's not properly answered for s visit that takes place 5/6 times a yr 🤔

Why isn't the answer that BIL helps with cleaning but SIL doesn't enough for you, Tistheseason?

It’s not up to your sister in law to look after your Mum it’s your brothers responsibility.

Ffs nobody is actually saying sil has to clean the whole house!!!

All op wants was some help with cleaning up after sil has sat down to a meal she invited herself to and help op and her dp do dishes.
Also to pick up her own dirty cups when she has finished with them and put them in the kitchen.

Its hardly asking her much is it?

Typical mn someone mentions a few posts in that "obviously sil does everything for mil all the time so op is being unreasonable".

Everyone jumps on this completely missing where op said sil does nothing, someone else looks after mil. and half the thread goes off on a rant that op is in the wrong, sil is a martyr to mil, she should get a break yadda yadda when in fact she does nothing for mil and sfa of anything else and the whole family know it.
RTFT

Your SIL is a dick and so are some posters,especially the ones that don't RTFT or the ones that make up their own back story based on sweet fuck all.

Unsure why she should be tidying up. If I cooked for someone, I would not expect them to clean up. I know she offered but I would have said no. Presumably everyone else helped wash up.(sorry not read all responses). I suspect you just don't like her and you are trying to find a reason. You are entitled to dislike someone for no particular reason but I would not confront her. You will just look like the bad guy.

SunnieCJ Sun 01-Apr-18 11:23:16
Do you think I should take the issue to BIL? I don't want to cause a big drama within the family.

Really? As you seem to think the martyr drama is tip top

You think she does nothing, but she lives next door, I'm willing to bet she does. You live miles away, swan in and play Angelic and Wonderful daughter in law every so often and then piss off home.

I'm willing to bet you don't know the half of it.

cherish

So you'd be quite happy for your BIL and SIL to pop around for dinner several times a year without them ever offering to cook in return or bring a dish or clean up afterwards? I don't believe you.

Rachie

The SIL doesn't help MIL, there is a family member at MIL's who does that.

Rachie
You lost your bet cos sil does nothing for mil. Some other person looks after her.
Maybe reading the ops posts would have helped you to not write such an ignorant nasty post?

@Lacucuracha
I find it interesting that OP visits only 5/6 times a yr but knows exactly what happens in her absence. My GM used to tell each of her children that no one did anything for her even when they did. I also think OP is being harsh for such infrequent visits so I suspect there are other reasons for her dislike - otherwise a bit of washing up is extreme.

You and I don't agree and that's ok. This is a forum.

cherish so you would invite yourself to someone's house for a meal and sit on your arse leaving a trail of dirty dishes behind you and expect someone else to pick them up for you and wash them? Nice.

Would you also promise to come
round next day and do the dishes but then just stay in bed like a lazy git instead and not appear until you were sure they had been done by someone else? Nice.

Are you the sil?