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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can't stand my SIL

185 replies

SunnieCJ · 01/04/2018 00:45

She's married to DH's brother. They got married last summer after about 2 years of dating. They live next door to MIL while we live in different city. We go visit and stay with MIL during holidays or whenever we can (She's getting quite ill) SIL and her husband would come over for dinner (I cook 90% of the time) I don't mind cooking and preparing food but she has never ever offer to help or even cook one single meal. She would stay at her place until everything is already prepped then casually ask me if there's anything she can do to help. I just get so frustrated with her. she never cleans up after even though she promised she would.

Same thing happened today. She told us not to do the dishes because she would come do it first thing in the morning. She finally came over around 4.5pm and obviously someone else already tidy up the kitchen. I asked her... oh I thought you said you were coming to clean in the morning then she told me"oh yeah but I slept instead"

Can someone tell me what kind of response is that? It just gets really frustrated because it's really not our responsibility to take care and look after her especially when we are just visiting. She is 36 and older than me.

The whole family know she's lazy and her little tricks when it comes to avoid housework. But I refuse to let her ruin my quality time with the family. Should I confront her or should I just ignore her? Help! Confused

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 01/04/2018 09:52

Call her to come over before you are prepping to help

Original poster
SunnieCJ · 01/04/2018 09:53

There is a family member that lives and takes care of MIL. SIL does not work.

Perhaps I'm looking a bit too much into this. But It just gets frustrated when we come down to visit MIL we also have extra loads of dishes and cleaning to do (SIL's mess)

When SIL and her DH visited us couple of times in our home. We treated them dinner and pretty much everything. And I still have to do the washing up because she just left her mugs and plates everywhere. She is pretty messy. She also asked me to call her a uber for them when they were leaving. I guess that was some bad experiences.

OP posts:
LavenderDoll · 01/04/2018 09:58

You had to call her an uber?
Is that bad ?
It's not her house she doesn't have to clean

Lizzie48 · 01/04/2018 10:00

It does sound like she's behaving like a teenager, and has never properly grown up. I would suggest you agree that you will each provide one meal, theirs can be a takeaway if they want. And if it's in their house, then you leave them to do the washing up. If there is going to be another meal, then you can take your MIL out for a meal, she'll probably enjoy the treat.

WhiteFreesias · 01/04/2018 10:01

Another one that doesn't think it's up to your SIL alone to help.

I can see why the situation is irritating though. Either you or your DH need to cut them off at the pass and say that you are having dinner just the three of you. Or take mil out if she's well enough.

I get irritated at ILs by the SIL and her family coming over for dinner on spec when we visit their city. It means there isn't enough and MIL serves men folk first/the best and women clear up It's up to ILs though and I can suck it up, say something or not go.

Original poster
SunnieCJ · 01/04/2018 10:02

She doesn't have to clean sure but at least she could leave her empty mugs in the sink for me to wash or pay for her uber home.

OP posts:
LineysInTheSand · 01/04/2018 10:02

OP, do you mean she expected you to pay for the uber?

LineysInTheSand · 01/04/2018 10:03

X post. That's cheeky.

Juells · 01/04/2018 10:05

Yes, I missed the post that said BiL and SiL weren't invited. I still think she might not want to be there at all - BiL could be dragging her there over her protests, saying he wants to see his brother. We don't really know what's going on.

Anyway...I'm on the SiL's side Grin

Original poster
SunnieCJ · 01/04/2018 10:05

Yes. Because when I called an uber from my phone it charges to my credit card.

OP posts:
Knittedfairies · 01/04/2018 10:07

Eat earlier and lock the door.

Juells · 01/04/2018 10:08

If you don't constantly re-load the page you miss lots of posts in a fast-moving thread Confused

MiddleClassProblem · 01/04/2018 10:09

I thought she lived next door?

LineysInTheSand · 01/04/2018 10:10

Is she skint? Does she have access to any money? It all sounds a bit odd for a 36 year old, tbh.

Lizzie48 · 01/04/2018 10:10

Come on, @Juells I think you're determined to see the SIL as being unfairly criticised whatever is said about her. She doesn't have to go, does she? Her DH could go on his own.

And since when is it good manners to leave a mess in someone else's home? Or are you actually the SIL??

LineysInTheSand · 01/04/2018 10:10

She lives next door to MiL not OP

MiddleClassProblem · 01/04/2018 10:12

Oh lol I thought she meant from MIL’s house. I mean that really would be lazy.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/04/2018 10:14

Sunnie, YANBU at all, despite some people's comments on here.
Family should all pitch in, especially if they're going to turn up to eat - it's not on for the one person to just sit out and do nothing to help everyone else.
Maybe before she got married it was different and she doesn't see why she should change now (like some posters on here) - but she's married to your BIL, so she counts as family now and she should bloody well pitch in.

Juells · 01/04/2018 10:19

She doesn't have to go, does she? Her DH could go on his own.

I agree with that. The sons should be doing the work, AFAIC.

The uber thing was a bit odd and entitled, though.

SerenDippitty · 01/04/2018 10:22

Yes the Uber thing was out of order.

Willow2017 · 01/04/2018 10:23

thumb
Exactly. I have never gine to relatives homes and expected to do nothing but sit on my behind and be waited on. We all pitch in.

Inertia · 01/04/2018 10:25

Ok, so you being there isn’t respite for SIL and BIL who would otherwise have all of the care responsibilities.

If you’re not prepared to be firmer with both BIL and SIL in terms of getting them to do their fair share, you need to get smarter. The first night, eat an hour earlier than usual. The second day, have your main meal at lunchtime. Eat out on th3 third day. Text them to say that they’ll need to eat before they come round as you’re not cooking .

AlphaApple · 01/04/2018 10:26

Sounds like she knows no one likes her so she's decided to give no fucks about you all.

Can't say I blame her.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 01/04/2018 10:32

So one thing I do know is that if she's living next door to sick MIL, she is helping her in some way or other, company, emotional support, being on call, or even just being next door as a reassurance, even if housework is not her natural forte.
That said her behaviour (and the two sons!!!!!!) does sound unreasonable. But I think that you are being unreasonable in being the maid of all work and then complaining about it. It sounds like she just doesn't realise what the rules are - some people don't - and you need to tell her kindly and politely what you expect of her, rather than let the score of her wrongdoings pile up while everyone moans about her, but keeps letting the situation continue.
Make it clear that if they are coming for dinner you'd like some help. Say that you can't let the washing up sit there overnight and offering to do it in the morning only means someone else will do it so if she really wants to help can she do it now. Or THE MEN CAN DO IT. Try and let her know in a friendly firm way exactly what you want from her. Seems like the best way to make progress. MIL is not going to get any better so you have a choice of having a co-operative SIL or being at loggerheads with her. This may seem like another job but as the more adult/responsible person, it's a task you have to do - to make your own life easier in the long run. She might even appreciate not being permanently in the dog house.

Lizzie48 · 01/04/2018 10:38

This is a 36 year old who doesn't work, doesn't help at all and leaves a mess wherever she goes. That is not behaving like an adult by any stretch. She doesn't have to help with the cooking, or the actual cleaning, but if you've eaten a meal at someone else's house, you really should at the very least take your plates to the sink, and see if you can help in any way.

You should also tidy up behind yourself, take any cups you've used down to the kitchen.

Anything less is very entitled.

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