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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can't stand my SIL

185 replies

SunnieCJ · 01/04/2018 00:45

She's married to DH's brother. They got married last summer after about 2 years of dating. They live next door to MIL while we live in different city. We go visit and stay with MIL during holidays or whenever we can (She's getting quite ill) SIL and her husband would come over for dinner (I cook 90% of the time) I don't mind cooking and preparing food but she has never ever offer to help or even cook one single meal. She would stay at her place until everything is already prepped then casually ask me if there's anything she can do to help. I just get so frustrated with her. she never cleans up after even though she promised she would.

Same thing happened today. She told us not to do the dishes because she would come do it first thing in the morning. She finally came over around 4.5pm and obviously someone else already tidy up the kitchen. I asked her... oh I thought you said you were coming to clean in the morning then she told me"oh yeah but I slept instead"

Can someone tell me what kind of response is that? It just gets really frustrated because it's really not our responsibility to take care and look after her especially when we are just visiting. She is 36 and older than me.

The whole family know she's lazy and her little tricks when it comes to avoid housework. But I refuse to let her ruin my quality time with the family. Should I confront her or should I just ignore her? Help! Confused

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/04/2018 08:42

Just cook enough for 3 and go "oh we hadn't invited you so there isn't enough. We'll be done by x o'clock if you want to come for coffee"

So yes you turn them away!

DayKay · 01/04/2018 08:43

Just ask her directly. People like that don’t respond to hints and will carry on getting away with everything.

Before you go down, say to her ‘I’ll prepare one dish, can you do one too please?’

When you’re there, ‘come on. It’s time to clear up. Why don’t you start doing the dishes?’

Inertia · 01/04/2018 08:43

Who looks after MIL when you are not around?

On the face of things, it sounds like BIL and SIL are being pretty rude in turning up to eat and not helping with cooking or clearing up. Then again, if they are caring, cooking, washing up and cleaning for MIL 95 % of the time because they live next door, it would put a different spin on it.

TheBakeryQueen · 01/04/2018 08:46

Maybe she has her own mum to cook and clean for.
Does she have children?
Can't you all just get a takeaway? If you don't want to cook, don't cook!

AlphaApple · 01/04/2018 08:51

You sound like a bit of a martyr. If you want to care for your MIL that's lovely. Your SIL doesn't. She is under no obligation. Your BIL is more so.

If I went around to someone's house for dinner I wouldn't expect to have to do the washing up afterwards.

Twickerhun · 01/04/2018 08:52

We have a lazy member of our family (male FWIW). We pre empty the cheekiness now and as soon as dinner is done one of us will say ‘ so you’ll be too tired now to do the washing up’, or ‘here’s your dish cloth’ or before dinner ‘ah I knew you’d show up now that all the work is done - next time because you are always late you can bring a pre-prepared meat dish with you’. After a while it worked.

Juells · 01/04/2018 08:59

Maybe she doesn't even want to turn up for the dinner, only does it out of politeness? Maybe she works all week and would prefer to be doing something else with her weekends than clearing up after a dinner she didn't want or need? Why are women considered lazy if they don't want to muck in and wash up and clear up? I hate all forms of housework, I'd rather not be invited to dinner at all than be expected to clear up afterwards. I don't consider that housework has anything to do with me. If I invite someone for a meal I don't expect them to wash up afterwards.

Stop inviting her and BiL to dinner and the problem is solved.

Flipping martyrs....

JoJoSM2 · 01/04/2018 09:00

So who helps MIL 95% of the time? If it's her, then maybe she feels cleaning up after you is taking the piss and you should give them some respite from looking after MIL when you do visit sometimes.

Or perhaps she doesn't want to help - it's not really her job if she doesn't want to do it. In that case, you could suggest going out for a meal or ask if you can come over to theirs for a meal next time you visit.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/04/2018 09:00

My sil is like this. She pretends she will help then acts helpless or finds an obstacle. It’s a power thing. We don’t see her anymore. This type of behaviour is a drop in the ocean in comparison to every thing else.

You need to ensure you only have enough food for you and not for her and bil. Cook it at home.

rextrex · 01/04/2018 09:01

She lives next door doesn't she. When you cook at your mils house she's also a guest. Why should she do the washing up. I don't really cook at all so if never invite anyone over for a meal if they cooked for me. They'd get taken out or if order a takeaway. Why isn't your DH cooking or her DH cooking? I think you're petty. How often do you visit mil? She lives next door to her husbands I'll mother. That can't be easy.

Lostin3dspace · 01/04/2018 09:01

Next time, go out for dinner. Either fail to invite them, or run out of the door leaving them with the bill

BeyondThePage · 01/04/2018 09:06

I don't cook in my husband's mother's kitchen - he does, as does his brother, they also do the dishes - and to be honest they would be mortified if I did it all (we go there once a month and everyone says SIL and I can take it easy)... I wouldn't expect my husband to do everything at my mum's either.

Different families have different dynamics I guess, but get the men involved, stop whinging about a woman unrelated by anything but marriage not doing what you want her to do or living up to your standards.

Fishface77 · 01/04/2018 09:08

Juell did you miss the bit where OP says they turn up when the foods ready?

ssd · 01/04/2018 09:10

you gotta love mumsnet

op: We didn't invite them over but they just show up

poster who doesn't read thread Stop inviting her and BiL to dinner and the problem is solved. Flipping martyrs

Awrite · 01/04/2018 09:11

I would put money on you not judging a male in-law like this.

I leave my dh to help out at in-laws house. I refuse to feel judged.

And I am pleased my sister/Mum/whoever feels able to enjoy being a guest in my home without offering help umpteen times.

Times have changed.

ChasedByBees · 01/04/2018 09:22

How do they know when food is ready? If you serve at a set time, could you serve an hour earlier than normal, or an hour later and get them to help?

Camiila · 01/04/2018 09:29

The whole family know she's lazy and her little tricks when it comes to avoid housework

none of this housework is her responsibility.

Willow2017 · 01/04/2018 09:29

Dear god. When you invite yourself for a meal, do not help with anything at all, pretend you are going to help then dont as you are too lazy and expect everyone else to run after you you are not a 'guest' you are a selfish, lazy pia.

Cant people read? She does nothing to help mil any other time either. Her dh does. Why should op go to see her ill mil and her and dp end up spending thier time running after some p taking adult who is only after a free meal? Why do they have to spend time they could have with the mil clearing up and doing dishes while she sits on her arse?

Camiila · 01/04/2018 09:34

MIL is aware of the issue

there IS no issue, your SIL is not responsible for any of the housework, and she is choosing not to do any of the housework, as is her right.

This doesn't make her lazy, or mean she is devious at all. Just that she is not conforming to your personal desires, which you have no right to expect anyway.

Cook or don't cook, clean up or don't clean up. Make your own decision about what you want to do.

you are not entitled to make decisions for your SIL or anyone else.

Willow2017 · 01/04/2018 09:36

Camiila
If she is inviting herself to someone elses house, someone who is already ill, expecting someone else to cook her a meal then its just plain manners to muck in and help with serving and doing dishes.
Op has said her dp and bil do so why does sil get a free pass to sit like lady muck?

Her mil is ill, wouldnt you go round and help out if you could?

Camiila · 01/04/2018 09:41

Her mil is ill, wouldnt you go round and help out if you could?

it depends, if my behaviour was under such scrutiny from someone so hostile I would actually most likely feel far too shy and awkward to attempt to do anything at all

GREATAUNT1 · 01/04/2018 09:47

Why don’t you go round to their place at dinner time & tell them it’s their turn. Or go out for a meal & don’t invite them. Plus you don’t have to cook at all, just sit & stare & wait to see what everyone else does.

SerenDippitty · 01/04/2018 09:48

Quite possibly it would not have been SIL’s choice to live next door to her MIL in the first place. Whichever way you look at it her husband is responsible for MIL most of the time. OP did say that her BIL does some of the cleaning, so who is doing the cooking and general care?

Jux · 01/04/2018 09:49

Maybe you could alter your menu to one which simply won't stretch to them? Quails eggs - one each and you've only got 3; tiny little poussins, again one each and you've only got 3; or cook something you know she and bil don't like.

Or just ring them when you're going to start (make it a couple of hours early to give them time) and ask them for help right then. So, you're going to start prepping at 6, tell them you could do with their help at 4. They'll turn up a coouple of hours late just in time to help.

Or do lunch instead that day. When they turn up with their tongues out for dinner, say you all had a big lunch so there's just sandwiches now. Let them make them themselves (and hide the best bits of lunch leftovers so they can finish up the lesser stuff)....

Clutterbugsmum · 01/04/2018 09:50

If for argument sake you are staying for a 4 day weekend every month, 6 weeks and they turn up for every dinner I think I would either tell her that if she wants dinner tomorrow then she will help with clearing up afterwards as you have cooked and BIL and your DH have cleaned and tidied the house. And if she doesn't then I'd tell the both of them that you will not be cooking more then 1 dinner arranged in advance for them while you are visiting so not to just turn up expecting dinner.

And if they turn up just eat your dinner and leave them to organise their own. They do this because they know you would have cooked enough for them.

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