I can't stand my SIL

[SunnieCJ]

She's married to DH's brother. They got married last summer after about 2 years of dating. They live next door to MIL while we live in different city. We go visit and stay with MIL during holidays or whenever we can (She's getting quite ill) SIL and her husband would come over for dinner (I cook 90% of the time) I don't mind cooking and preparing food but she has never ever offer to help or even cook one single meal. She would stay at her place until everything is already prepped then casually ask me if there's anything she can do to help. I just get so frustrated with her. she never cleans up after even though she promised she would.

Same thing happened today. She told us not to do the dishes because she would come do it first thing in the morning. She finally came over around 4.5pm and obviously someone else already tidy up the kitchen. I asked her... oh I thought you said you were coming to clean in the morning then she told me"oh yeah but I slept instead"

Can someone tell me what kind of response is that? It just gets really frustrated because it's really not our responsibility to take care and look after her especially when we are just visiting. She is 36 and older than me.

The whole family know she's lazy and her little tricks when it comes to avoid housework. But I refuse to let her ruin my quality time with the family. Should I confront her or should I just ignore her? Help!

Tis
Maybe the person who actually looks after the mil and the rest of the family who actually also know sil have told op and her dp, you know maybe ops bil has said so?

You are determined to believe that sil couldnt possibly be just a lazy so and so and making up a scenario to suit your belief.

I think its pretty obvious when someone never even picks up thier own dirty cup and watches everyone else clear up after dinner every single time, that they are lazy or entitled or both.

Willow2017
Rachie
You lost your bet cos sil does nothing for mil. Some other person looks after her.

I read all the posts. I just don't believe she knows exactly whats happening between her very infrequent visits.

FFS! Where does MIL live?

I'll do the dishes!

*Maybe she doesn't even want to turn up for the dinner, only does it out of politeness? Maybe she works all week and would prefer to be doing something else with her weekends than clearing up after a dinner she didn't want or need? Why are women considered lazy if they don't want to muck in and wash up and clear up? I hate all forms of housework, I'd rather not be invited to dinner at all than be expected to clear up afterwards. I don't consider that housework has anything to do with me. If I invite someone for a meal I don't expect them to wash up afterwards.

Stop inviting her and BiL to dinner and the problem is solved.

Flipping martyrs....*

Juells I think we are twins separated at birth.

@Willow2017
The AIBU was to do with hating her SIL for not doing the dishes 5-6 times a year.

Yes, I think OP IBU as not washing up on 5-6 occasions a yr seems a very small and petty reason to "hate" someone.

Also, it's ok to not agree with me, I'm not asking you to do so. Likewise, I don't want to change your mind. Let's agree to disagree unless you just want to be goady?

Not much can be done. She is 35..... a fully formed person.

Maybe not to expect her to do so on a first place would give you some piece of mind..

Is there anything positive about her you could concentrate on?

I find it interesting that OP visits only 5/6 times a yr but knows exactly what happens in her absence. My GM used to tell each of her children that no one did anything for her even when they did. I also think OP is being harsh for such infrequent visits so I suspect there are other reasons for her dislike - otherwise a bit of washing up is extreme.

Presumably MIL/other family member tells her? OP has been quite upfront and said that maybe she should be more annoyed at her BIL too. She may well have other reasons for disliking SIL but she is not unreasonable to resent her for turning up for meals and leaving a mess.

You and I don't agree and that's ok. This is a forum.

What a strange thing to say. I think the (very few) posts we've exchanged have been amicable. Nothing I've said should give you the idea that I don't think it's ok for us to disagree.

The BIL and SIL are not invited for the meals. They just show up in time to eat. That is called taking advantage. And the SIL doesn't work, either, according to the OP, so that's not true either.

Some posters are determined not to blame the SIL for some reason.

I can’t stand my SIL but only because she is boring as fuck and looks down her nose at me-she has a PhD whilst I have a lowly Batchelors 😂😂. Oh yes and I work full time and mum of six whilst she has her own consultancy and no kids (through choice). You hug her and you can feel her stiffen )I do it now to wind her up 😂😂). Sat through an excruciatingly boring lunch with her and her poor long suffering DH on Saturday. Even our kids think she’s from a different planet 😂 x

Also, it's ok to not agree with me, I'm not asking you to do so. Likewise, I don't want to change your mind. Let's agree to disagree unless you just want to be goady?

Tis you seem to be reading things in people's post that aren't there. What part of Willow's post did you find goady?

Some posters simply think it's odd to HATE someone because of SIL not clearing dishes 5-6 times a yr.
Some posters think that as neighbours it is highly unlikely that SIL does diddly squat 100% of the rest of the time just because OP says so.
Some posters think OP is daft being such a martyr over washing up. If her BIL is helping as OP states then how much is actually left to do to HATE the SIL about?

Easy answer for OP is don't invite them over.

She doesn't invite them over, they just show up to eat according to the OP.

@Lizzie48
Sounds really odd doesn't it? I guess it started and became habit. But then, how would they know the food is ready? Glass at the wall? 😁

I just don't understand why some of you are so determined to see the SIL as being unfairly vilified? It seems she doesn't work, just shows up to eat and doesn't help clear up.

Maybe they know what time the food will be ready because it's the same time every time the other son and his wife are there? People are normally creatures of habit?

Or maybe the MIL herself tells them, wanting to see her other DS and his wife? Maybe they don't go round normally.

Not odd at all. Many people have a fixed mealtime. MIL may like food at a certain time.

Or if OP makes a big pot of food, that can be reheated at any time. Still creates washing up.

@Lizzie48
it seems
You are correct. It is not fact as we don't know what is.
BUT... it's the choice of those reading to believe what they want or not. I choose to believe there is more to this.

Wings
She doesnt work at all.
She invites herself.
They never bring anything for a hostess gift or part of meal just turn up when they think foods ready (then whimper on about how she would have helped if she had anything left to do)
She leaves her dirty cups, fruit 'leavings' lying around for someone else to pick up. Thats lazy and gross.
Op isnt asking her to clean the freaking house! Just not leave a freaking mess everywhere and not to promise to help then turn up 7 hours too late!

Take mil out for a meal tomorrow or have main meal at lunch time then just do sandwiches at dinner time.

@Tistheseason17 I think you just find it hard to believe anyone could be that entitled as the SIL appears to be, or an OP could actually have justification to feel so put upon.

We'll never know for sure either way.

@Tistheseason17 she doesn't. They just turn up.

I guess it's hard for people that aren't related or closely know any people that are really that selfish,lazy,entitled and dickish to believe that they truly exist.

If it isn’t her responsibility she shouldn’t show up for dinner. Esp day in and day out!

I am surprised at people’s responses. OP has gone for a holiday, not for housework from home away! She is helping her MIL out even though it’s not her responsibility as well!

OP did say the men help out. Clearly this SIL is absolutely ill-mannered.

Still think OP is unreasonable to HATE her SIL for a bit of washing up 5-6 times a yr.

That was the AIBU wasn't it?

Irritated, annoyed? YES. Hate? No.

When I was looking after my mother my sister drove me mad - once a week she'd arrive, let herself into the house, and start criticising and complaining about everything I did, taking over. The district nurse told me it was the classic problem - relatives sweep in and ignore the fact that those closest have the day-to-day grind, they demand to know why this hasn't been done, that hasn't been done, why is everyone being so lazy and disorganised, complain complain complain. Eventually I told my sister she was banned unless she changed her attitude, and become a help rather than a pain in the neck. To her credit, she did. Immediately. I'm not sure I'd even have identified how unfair it was if the district nurse hadn't explained to me that it was a common problem.

We have no idea what goes on when the OP isn't there. I find it hard to believe that the DiL, living next door, isn't called on daily for this, that or the other.

Turning up for meals if they haven't been invited seems odd. I suspect there's more to that. After one occurrence, why didn't OP start cooking just for those already in the house, and say there wasn't enough? Or getting three take-aways? "I cook 90% of the time" Who cooks the other 10%?

The OP did NOT say that she HATED her SIL. The word hate doesn’t appear anywhere in her posts.

The OP DOES NOT invite SIL round for food, SIL invites herself, when she knows the food is ready and about to be put on the table.

The OP is NOT expecting or asking SIL to do all the bloody housework in MIL’s house.

SIL is the only person who doesn’t pitch in to help at all when OP and her DH are there.

OP is simply wishing that SIL would stop leaving a trail of mess behind her and actually clear up after herself and offer to help with the dishes after she and her DH have done all the cooking.

OP visits 5-6 times a year. So SIL getting off her lazy arse and helping with the dishes 5-6 times a year, that she happily ate off (when she wasn’t actually invited over to eat), isn’t really expecting or asking much is it.

Whatever the SIL may or may not do when the OP and her DH aren’t there is irrelevant. Simple manners are that if someone cooks for you, (especially when you’ve just invited yourself and they haven’t offered), you offer to help with the washing up.

And the fact that the SIL expected OP to pay for her taxi, with no offer of payment back, I think shows quite clearly what a CF she is.

OP, does SIL know what time you’ll be making food? Could you perhaps make it a bit earlier so when she rocks up you could say you’ve already eaten so you’re not cooking for her and BIL aswelll?