DP is a big baby, but I feel guilty being critical since I'm SAHM

[fgd45]

Tell me if I'm being unreasonable. Some background: DP is our primary breadwinner. He earns a six figure salary and we are well off.

He comes from working class background and I am from UMC. Often when we look at spending habits we disagree as to how much things "should" cost, i.e. groceries, clothing for dc, etc.

Over the years, I have come to respect this and I would not necessarily call him stingy, just more money conscious than I am, which I think is a good thing in keeping our family's budget on course.

All good, except for this: he is so disorganized regarding family related things that I find my days filled with his problems. To give you a sense of it, this week I spent a full day straightening out his taxes, pricing out moving companies because he is moving offices, fighting with BUPA, and just stupid busy work that a grown man should take care of. The problem is he just waits and waits until it becomes a huge issue and is about to blow up in his face, and then asks for me to fix it.

I just lost it to him on phone a minute ago: he had a very important drs appointment with a private GP. He just missed it. No excuse no explanation and when I asked him why he missed it he said he was in the city and didn't feel like going all the way to Harley Street.

I'm fuming because this will cost us £ 500 since BUPA doesn't cover missed appointments, I had spent all day Tuesday getting the pre-authorization in place and he just doesn't care.

If I had spent that much money on a bag, or clothes or whatever and lost it, he would be hitting the roof regarding how much money I've wasted, yet when it is him doing it, he didn't seem fazed.

I feel guilty because he is the sole provider, but at the same time I want a partner not a child to nag and take care of.

Am I wrong or what should I do next?

Easy. When it blows up don't rescue. Leave him to solve it. Refuse. Or be strategically too busy.

Imagine exactly what he would say about you wasting £500 and say that to him tonight.

Don't do his preauthorisations for him either.

You’re not wrong. He can’t be stingy in one department- your spending, house etc then miss appointments which cost so much and waste money bcos he doesn’t feel like doing something. Just bcos he earns the money doesn’t mean he should be this way or you shouldn’t set him straight.

You know what you need to do, and don’t back down.

Honestly I would just throw this back into his face next time he starts complaining about household bills.

RunRabbitRunRabbit : but when it blows up, it will end up costing us as a family more money!

I don't mind organizing and paying bills, dealing with all dc related things, planning holidays and even helping him out when he asks.

HOWEVER, he cannot criticize my spending and say it's too much (it's really not..) and then just flush that type of money down the toilet.

It just feels so disrespectful of my time and efforts

SAHM? You sound like his PA.

Work out his hourly rate, then point out how many hours work he has wasted each time he can't be arsed.

What Misson said

Not only is it disrespectful of you it's also hugely disrespectful of the people waiting for him to attend an appointment who have better things to do than wasting time waiting for his entitled arse to show up.

Why are you his PA?
Why are you doing all of the brain work?
If he's smart enough to run a business why the hell cant he behave like a grown up in his personal life and get his own shit together?

I suspect because he knows you'll pick it up and do the crap that he can't be bothered to do. Stop being his safety net. Let him get into a mess and sort his own shit out.

Oh! And tell him straight that if he's happy to spunk 500 quid on nothing then you get to do the same next time you go shopping - it's family money after all.

Are you married?
Do you have your own pension and considerable personal financial assets?

If not, then being a SAHM is a bad plan.

Don’t organise his work or personal stuff for him.

You being a SAHM enables him to maintain his high earnings, hours etc AND be a parent. You have also taken all the personal economic risk.

Nothing to logically feel guilty about whatsoever.

GuntyMcGee - this is how I feel too ! (Btw, how do I bold names? new to mumsnet).

Last month, I was meant to do a trip to visit my sister, flights were quite expensive (350-400) while the drive would be 6 hours one way. We talked and agreed I should just do the drive. It was miserable with the weather and ice and I hated it.

I think I am getting so angry now when I think about how I did what was best for our family's finances in that instance, but today he didnt.

I don't want to paint him in total black-white light as I want a realistic assessment if I am being unreasonable. We have a lovely house in Chelsea, he spends money to take me out to nice dinners, gives prezzies to dc and me.

When I've brought it up before, he says his job is so stressful that he can't dealing with these things outside of work and if I'm home, I should help out.

Don't mean to drip feed but the irony of it all is that he was seeing a mental health profession today precisely because of this issue. How he can address just ignoring certain things in his life and get more organized! He swore to me he would work on himself and the fact that he didn't even show up tells me maybe he doesn't want to ever change!

Dozer - we are not married but I am an expat and in the U.S. we had entered into a civil partnership and had a "pre-nup" type document drawn up that effectively protects me financially. If we "divorce", I have a very clearly articulated settlement in place, so not worried about that.

I just want to feel valued and I am trying to save us money, he should too.

I'd get a job and leave him to it tbh.

Hmm. So the appointment was for a MH issue. I think this might be part of the problem as a lot of people are resistant to discussing MH issues with a professional. He might think it's shameful to have whatever the issue is. He might have grown up with the idea that he should pull himself together rather than seek help for MH. Or he might think that, actually, he's fine and you are making a big fuss over nothing by trying to make him get treatment.

On the other hand, there's something a bit passive-aggressive going on here. You are, by the sound of it 'better' than him in terms of social class, probably had a more comfortable childhood and possibly a better education. Yet you are not the one with a penis. Therefore his constant demands for you to service him and his needs and put yourself out to make his life better could be a way of him reminding you that you are a 'woman' and he is, in fact, your lord and master despite him being a pleb and you being posh.

I've been in a similar situation. You need to stop 'saving' him. It's the only way to change the pattern.

Agree he needs a PA - tell him to employ one. Sounds entirely appropriate. Consider whether or not you wish to offer to help him find a good PA as your last contribution to his life admin perhaps?

(We could do with a PA in our lives to be honest but unless I increase my income can't possibly justify it, sadly)

A lot of mumsnetters partners earn over 6 figures don't they? Yet only 1% of the population earn that. Funny that. Especially impressive when he is from a working class background.

Makes me wonder what they do to earn this amazing salary!

As has been said, get a job if what he is doing bothers you so much.

I am sure there is a quarter million a year job somewhere out there for someone who was previously a SAHM.

Well, if it's a mental health professional, then he must have just chickened out. Isn't ready for therapy or help. These appointments need to come from him and not you because it's not the same as missing an appointment about a bad back or something.

Other stuff... well DH works around the clock and finds it all stressful enough so I'm in charge of money at home, i.e. sort out bills, taxes, investments etc. I'm happy to help and I've got more time and he's often overworked and overstressed. Do you really find it that bad?

In terms of being on the same page on spending, it's useful to have a spreadsheet or two with budgets. I do that and we'll sit down and discuss things every so often. And we're a high-income family but spending 350-400 on a domestic flight does sound daft - don't leave it till last minute to book (I don't think that's to do with your social class either.)

Re: MH issues and seeking help. I have thought about whether this is why he missed it. In my family, we talk openly about it and readily seek drs help if need be. For instance, I saw a therapist for PPD after both dd and ds were born and it made me feel like I was doing something positive and productive to help myself.

He realizes that he needs help, he says he is not sure why is he able to be so successful at work and can't seem to handle everyday things. A part of me thinks it is what others say: he knows I will be there to pick up the slack.

Re: our class upbringings, the only reason I mentioned it is because it affects how we view what "a lot" of money is. For instance, my hair cuts are pricey and he thinks I can get them done for 50 quid if I wanted to. Some things I have grown to agree with him, others we still disagree.

The money/class was meant to show that for someone that criticizes my personal and family spending, to just flush 500 quid down the toilet for no good reason is ridiculous and doesn't align with his character

He's earning enough to pay a PA to sort out his paperwork, appointments etc. Perhaps he is heading for burn out with his job. You say it's highly stressful, long hours and he has a mental health issue?

I must admit, my heart's not bleeding over your predicament.

You're very wealthy and have probably never experienced the relentless nightmare of worrying how you'll pay your bills or make your money last until payday.

Your dh may have grown up in poverty so has experienced that and may still have hang ups about big "luxury" purchases.

£500 for one appointment is absurd. I can't relate to this thread at all

He sounds controlling tbh, he would hit the roof if you spent £500 on a bag or clothes, he pushed you into driving 12 hours by yourself in bad weather rather than have you buy a £400 flight. But he buys you gifts, dinners etc. So he is the one who decides what you get, when and how much it costs. This is about controlling you, not balancing the family budget which you say is not under strain. Why are you arranging removal companies for his office, is he self employed / the owner of the business? If not, why on earth are you doing work for the company? I don't think he's a 'baby' , I think he sounds controlling.

Everyone is right, I know we are lucky and these aren't as real of problems as others have.

I just sobbed after talking to him on the phone and came here to see what can I do going forward?

I don't mind taking care of things, I just want the rules to be the same for both of us. I know if the appts had been reversed and I had missed it for no good reason, he would have called me a spoiled brat, that I didn't understand how hard it is to earn money...

I am so proud of him, I know that for him to get to where he is today he worked 1000x harder than I ever did. That's why I was ok with helping because I wanted to be the support network to make his life less stressful but it has ended up me feeling used and abused.

Short term pain for long term gain!

When you saw a therapist did you mention your relationship dynamic? I don't think the difference in approach is because of your different backgrounds. He's able to waste money but he holds you to account. It's a disparity in your respect for each other not a disparity in your background.