DP is a big baby, but I feel guilty being critical since I'm SAHM

[fgd45]

Tell me if I'm being unreasonable. Some background: DP is our primary breadwinner. He earns a six figure salary and we are well off.

He comes from working class background and I am from UMC. Often when we look at spending habits we disagree as to how much things "should" cost, i.e. groceries, clothing for dc, etc.

Over the years, I have come to respect this and I would not necessarily call him stingy, just more money conscious than I am, which I think is a good thing in keeping our family's budget on course.

All good, except for this: he is so disorganized regarding family related things that I find my days filled with his problems. To give you a sense of it, this week I spent a full day straightening out his taxes, pricing out moving companies because he is moving offices, fighting with BUPA, and just stupid busy work that a grown man should take care of. The problem is he just waits and waits until it becomes a huge issue and is about to blow up in his face, and then asks for me to fix it.

I just lost it to him on phone a minute ago: he had a very important drs appointment with a private GP. He just missed it. No excuse no explanation and when I asked him why he missed it he said he was in the city and didn't feel like going all the way to Harley Street.

I'm fuming because this will cost us £ 500 since BUPA doesn't cover missed appointments, I had spent all day Tuesday getting the pre-authorization in place and he just doesn't care.

If I had spent that much money on a bag, or clothes or whatever and lost it, he would be hitting the roof regarding how much money I've wasted, yet when it is him doing it, he didn't seem fazed.

I feel guilty because he is the sole provider, but at the same time I want a partner not a child to nag and take care of.

Am I wrong or what should I do next?

This thread is very confusing.

How can your DH judge you for spending “X” on blow dries when your parents bought you a house in Chelsea which must of been 5m. Surely you have the power?

Look, are some of you so ignorant and bitter than you think domestic abuse just doesn't happen to wealthy people? The same way that mental illness doesn't happen to people who can afford the best doctors? OP would have the same problem if they were living in a rented house and her H was getting the household fined every year for not paying the council tax on time, yet shouting at her if she laddered the new tights she'd just paid a whole £5 for.
It's about him being determined to put her in the position of servant/supporter/pampered pet who should work hard to demonstrate gratitude and never complain.

OP - I understand completeley.

We are also doing okay financially with an expensive house and no mortgage, yet I have a husband who can't open mail or pay a bill to save himself. Fines and late fees drive me mad as it's such a waste of moeny, so like you I have to fix the mess.

As examples, I asked him to pay our electricity bill while he was at the computer, doing some banking for his work and he still didn't do it - but I didn't know till I got the overdue notice. He filed it though ffs. We get a discount for paying on time of about $400 - so his fail cost us that money.
He's left parking and a couple of speeding tickets for so long the price doubled, forgot rego for a car and a trailer - then got fined , etc etc.
I work from home now ( But used to be a full time SAHM) and make more $$ than him but as I am at home - he thinks I can therefore do all the domestic stuff, admin, kid admin and scheduling . This loss of time costs me money, as do his fines and laziness with admin stuff.

He then looses his shit and comes over all moralisy and "disappointed" because I asked him to buy something for me when he was down the road. ( Roasted coffee grounds). The cost shocked him ( $16) and he banged on about wasting money for days.

Screw the guilt, you are working - with the kids and doing his admin.Tell him you are going to start paying yourself a wage as his PA - since that is what you are.
It's completely wrong for him to niggle over expenditures for you, yet effectively set a pile of cash on fire for being slack and disorganised.

And next time you need to fly somewhere, just do it - don't discuss it ."I'm going to see X, and I've booked a flight on..." , don't enter into discussions where he can play on your guilt. You are doing plenty, and have no reason to feel guilt at ALL.

*typos galore - sorry

YANBU

Income is irrelevent. Same rules for both parties whether wealthy or poor, and whether SAHM or working. This is a relationship/ DP problem not a monetary one.

If it all went wrong tomorrow it would be the OP that has the skills and sense to pick up the pieces and make the best of it and work to the new budget, not the DP.

I think MH is probably the key here - avoidance, denial, projection etc.

Sounds to me like he is projecting his guilt and sense of lack of control over himself onto the OP. It can seem strange but some people with MH problems can deal very well and very competently with work, other people and client's needs etc, but when there is a spill over into the personal eg where they themselves are the beneficiary not the client, it can reveal the lack of self-care, and self-motivation, and can even be a form of self-harm, self-punishment or self destruction. Sadly this behaviour can also extend towards unintentionally damaging their own family who get caught up in their bubble. It is something that may not be very noticeable until you get very close to someone and their private behaviour.

He may be nitpicking and tyring to control you OP because he is projecting his own guilt and lack of control onto you. It is not right of course, but may be an explanantion.

MH problems like this absolutely do not preclude him from being a patricarchal arse and/or financially abusive, but sometimes MH symptoms (selfisheness, anger, unreasonableness etc) can seem similar to abusive traits (and in fact may be abusive) but may come from a place that is complicated and not 'quite as simple as 'just' misogyny. The possible reasons for his behaviour does not negate the severe impact on you though OP.

If he cannot get to a MH appointment then perhaps he is not ready or able to police himself - and with MH this is OK and unfortunately pretty normal - after all, if he could do all the 'normal', reasonable and repsonsible things that other people do, then he would not have a MH problem.

It may mean that he needs help/ support/ pushing/ accompanying to appointments etc. Sometimes people with MH problems simply cannot help themsleves and no amount of saying 'take responsibility for yourself' will suddenly enable them to do so.

But as a spouse or carer, you have to look at what support is needed and what is sensible and possible to give, and what return you will get on your investment. At some point in treatment, the impetus and motivation has to come from him - even if he needs help to act on that motivation.

And of course if his bad attitudes do not come from MH problems then, really you will need to have a good think OP. You deserve so much better than to have this controlling, demeaning and unfair power dynamic.

This isn't about money - it's about him having no respect for you. He's living a wonderful life and you're walking ten paces behind with a dustpan and brush cleaning up the mess he leaves behind.

If you were both on minimum wage he would be complaining about you 'wasting money' on a single Mars bar whilst he's spending a tenner on beer.

You are enabling your his behaviour. He blew off a medical appointment to go drinking. Not to come home and spend time with his family, but to go to the fucking pub? It's not the £500 that should be the primary focus of your anger here.

And see a solicitor urgently. Most of the protections you have as an unmarried partner or by pre-nup in the US don't exist in English law.

I hear what you are saying. You didn't get married to be a mother to a man you got married to be a partner and of course that's what you need to spell out to him clearly. You need support as well.

Of course financial can happen to anyone regardless of income bracket. However I would assume that OP is independently wealthy if her parents have gifted her a multi million pound home. I would also assume as OP is not married said house would be in her name only.

Obviously there is a massive difference between 110k & 950k but since OP is mortgage free they should be able to afford a personal PA. Personally I would do as another OP suggested move to 3m house & keep the rest for living expenses/security.

Are you married or not op?

Going against the grain here but it sounds like he needs some support. He sounds like he is flat out at work and hasn't got time to deal with everything on his plate. So I can see why he might be a bit put out you are having 2 x blowdries a week - you just mentioned you have other treatments too.
So he is already over worked/stressed to the point he has some MH issues and you are complaining about spending a couple of days helping him out. I can't get my head round this - surely if he is overloaded and you have free time it makes sense to help?
Maybe he couldn't face going to the appointment?

PPs querying whether OP is married or not, she said they had a civil partnership, with pre-nup, when they were in the US.

Is moaning about the price of handbags and haircuts financial abuse then? OP has free access to money and spends it as she wishes, despite the odd moan from her dp.

She also found the Harley Street Doctor and pressured her dp to attend the appointment she thought he needed. It wasn't his request. I imagine he agreed for a quiet life. Being disorganised isn't even a mental health issue is it?

And although this tale has more holes than a bloody colander, OP comes from enormous wealth, owns a house in Chelsea and evidently won't ever struggle for money.
I'm not seeing any financial abuse here.

The "work" that OP is being asked to do for dp's business is hardly back breaking. She describes it as:
-One day this week phoning a few removal companies to get a quote,
-Straightening out taxes (he has an accountant so this was finding some paperwork to back up his expenses claims).
-And phoning BUPA to make the appointment she thought he needed.

I'm not seeing any abuse here. It's a bit insulting to those that have escaped abusive partners to claim this is comparable.

This sounds VERY like my DH. He's a reasonably high earner and also the most disorganised person you'll ever meet. We moved house recently and I sorted EVERYTHING (viewings, removals, getting packing materials, admin) whilst pregnant and sick and looking after 3yo DS.

He recently fucked up his self assessment and got hit with an enormous tax bill - which could've been avoided if he'd just kept on top of his accounts.

I have to remind DH about everything: drs appointments, repeat prescriptions, his family's birthdays and anniversaries. If I don't, and sometimes I don't because I'm too busy or cba, he forgets and runs out of meds or pisses his family off. His family don't think too much of me and never bother replying to my texts, which really hurts because without me they'd never hear from DH.

He has absolutely no idea how DS's nursery and upcoming schools admissions process works, he simply assumes I have it all in hand. It was up to me to do all the research and visits, and all the school admin. DS has additional needs and I do all the admin and chasing for that too.

DH thinks that his earning and me being SAHM completely exonerates him from all responsibility - he just has to earn the money.

I don't know the answer to this either. Just empathising.

Actually having read the whole thread I'm not sure I can describe DH as a high earner, it seems high to me! £60k ish per annum.

Depending on how long you’ve lived here a US cohabitation agreement might have no legal meaning if you split up if UK law is applied - under UK law you’d get very, very little. If you haven’t had legal advice on that suggest seeking it.

I’ve stopped reminding dh about things. If he forgets or can’t be bothered it’s not my problem.

I have been in a similar place OP u’ve Threatened my husband with divorce if he doesn’t get his severe procrastination sorted. I have enabled it unfortunately.

However from a practical point of view why aren’t you taking a salary from his business? It’s more tax efficient for both of you.

Stop enabling him. He's a grown man. Let him sort his own stuff out.

OP, my husband earns a lot and I am at home, and to earn as much as he does he works insane hours. I always take care of appointments, admin etc because I understand he is stressed and has a lot on his plate. I think that doesn't make him a man-child, it just means he is spending his time providing for his family and needs my help and support. If you have time to go and get regular blowdries etc, you shouldn't begrudge him a few hours a week of helpful admin. I do think that's just a fair division of labour.

I always take care of appointments

How wouldn't you have felt then, having made the appointment and arranged for it to be taken care of - for your DH not to go - and therefore waste £500?

Would you have gone for him?

GreenTulips

The general question of the AIBU as I understood it was whether or not it is reasonable for the SAHM to do the admin etc and not complain about THAT specifically. That is what I answered.

I would be annoyed about the missed appointment, relative to the money it cost/money we could afford to lose rather than the principle. Because it sounds like he has some MH issues and maybe didn't want the appt in the first place, hence why he missed it. If DH would do something that financially reckless I would just be like "not my fault" (again, relative to our own financial situation).

I suppose it's worth considering he had no idea a missed appointment booked through a pre paid BUPA plan would cost him £500? He might have assumed the cost was covered.
I'm staggered they charge that.

I just want the rules to be the same for both of us.

But he doesn't. Your H wants to control what you spend, provide gifts etc and make you drive many hours rather than fly. All the while he is prepared to stand there and effectively burn £500.

As some other posters have said, I too think this is about control and keeping you in your place.

Don't think I've ever heard someone describe themselves as upper middle class