DP is a big baby, but I feel guilty being critical since I'm SAHM

[fgd45]

Tell me if I'm being unreasonable. Some background: DP is our primary breadwinner. He earns a six figure salary and we are well off.

He comes from working class background and I am from UMC. Often when we look at spending habits we disagree as to how much things "should" cost, i.e. groceries, clothing for dc, etc.

Over the years, I have come to respect this and I would not necessarily call him stingy, just more money conscious than I am, which I think is a good thing in keeping our family's budget on course.

All good, except for this: he is so disorganized regarding family related things that I find my days filled with his problems. To give you a sense of it, this week I spent a full day straightening out his taxes, pricing out moving companies because he is moving offices, fighting with BUPA, and just stupid busy work that a grown man should take care of. The problem is he just waits and waits until it becomes a huge issue and is about to blow up in his face, and then asks for me to fix it.

I just lost it to him on phone a minute ago: he had a very important drs appointment with a private GP. He just missed it. No excuse no explanation and when I asked him why he missed it he said he was in the city and didn't feel like going all the way to Harley Street.

I'm fuming because this will cost us £ 500 since BUPA doesn't cover missed appointments, I had spent all day Tuesday getting the pre-authorization in place and he just doesn't care.

If I had spent that much money on a bag, or clothes or whatever and lost it, he would be hitting the roof regarding how much money I've wasted, yet when it is him doing it, he didn't seem fazed.

I feel guilty because he is the sole provider, but at the same time I want a partner not a child to nag and take care of.

Am I wrong or what should I do next?

: most private drs if you miss an appt and don't cancel within 24 hrs before charge your the full price.

Yes as a GP who also does private work I am aware of this. However £500 for an appointment, I don’t think so

Quite apart from everything else, if you are living in the UK and likely to be for the foreseeable I would talk to a solicitor about the 'pre-nup' and other agreements you have made in the US because you may find things are different here.

I've never in all my days known a successful business owner, earning a 6 figure salary, who didn't utilise the services of an accountant.

Quite apart from everything else, if you are living in the UK and likely to be for the foreseeable I would talk to a solicitor about the 'pre-nup' and other agreements you have made in the US because you may find things are different here.

And I’m really not sure which law would be applied if you were to divorce in the U.K. (I suspect the British law). How would a civil partnership and pre nup be treated, you would want to check.

You might feel better about yourself/arguing about money if you went back to work - it’s easier to debate reasonable spending if you are both bringing in family money

I saw a very senior, well-regarded consultant privately last month in central London, it was less than £250; who pays £500 to (not) see a GP? I think you should consider returning to paid work in your field and he should consider employing a PA.

Whats UMC?

Sorry had to step away, to give you more flavor on the tax. We do use an accountant both a firm for his business and someone that handles our personal tax liabilities, but he cannot write things off, deal with our investments, etc. if DP doesn't keep receipts, doesn't properly track company spending versus personal spending and mixes up the CC.

An accountant can only do so much but if the lines are blurred between personal and business expenditures and proper record keeping isn't kept, then he can't really help us out too much!

Oh dear

I'm pretty sure this appointment wasn't with a GP, but a mental health professional. These appointments are often an hour and could easily be £500 privately...

Is it a recent thing then this nit picking over expenditure? He wasn't worrying about money when you bought a huge house in Chelsea (for example).
Maybe he isn't being honest with you and his business is going down the pan and he's panicking his head off and making all sorts of mistakes along the way. It sounds like he's losing a grip on the basics here.

Dr doesn’t cost £500 and a six figure salary won’t get you a nice house in Chelsea. Well I suppose it could be £999,999 pa but a few things sound odd here.

Surely he has an accountant to deal with his tax affairs?
And why would his PA not deal with the office move?

He needs a new accountant - yes they can do all of that if they sort your business and personal tax affairs

I suppose if you're upper middle class then there's a ton of old money knocking around extended family. I.e, your parents buy you a Chelsea pile and set your fella up in business.
Sorry if I sound bitter and cynical

@Backingvocals a therapist does cost that. And not that it should matter but my parents had bought us the house as a wedding gift.

To others, he was always like this, but it didn't bother me too much in the past because A. I still felt like I had a pretty great life and shouldn't be complaining and B. he was dropping the ball on so many things so we weren't butting heads so frequently

Oh dear. It's like he just doesn't care enough to sort himself out. The taxes thing would have broken me I think.

Yes the PA should have dealt with the office move stuff, but if he doesn't tell her to do it or even about it, how can she. Like you say with the accountant, they can only do so much.

Do you think he's trying to assert control with you over money because everything else is so out of control op?

If the tax thing didn't scare him into sorting out his shit, I'm not sure what will really.

Why would you’re parents buy you a house if your dh earns a six figure sum? This doesn’t add up

your*

@OliviaBenson that's really how I feel too! I would not be this angry bc in my mind I had rationalized his behavior as him being ill, he needs help, he will seek the help and we will get better. And in that case, I need to show patience and love while he works it out with a professional.

The fact that he isn't seeking the help to sort himself out and not taking it seriously was just the last straw in addition to the money we lost on the appointment. Bc in the end, if BUPA had not covered the visit, I would be fine us paying out of pocket because his well being is our priority but the fact that he didn't go for absolutely no good reason!

I'm still stuck on the bit where you spend £80 a week on your flipping hair

I know, not helpful

@PasstheStarmix in case you haven't noticed, property prices in London are insane. Even a 6 figure salary won't get you very far for a nice house in our neighborhood.

So essentially you have no mortgage and - very lavish lifestyle yet complaining over £500?

@TalkFastThinkSlow I realize it's ridiculous. I wouldn't spend it if it was a burden, we can afford it but I do recognize how lucky I am and how it is a total luxury and absolutely not a necessity.

Your parents must be millionaires to afford to buy you the house outright in such an affluent area.