DP is a big baby, but I feel guilty being critical since I'm SAHM

[fgd45]

Tell me if I'm being unreasonable. Some background: DP is our primary breadwinner. He earns a six figure salary and we are well off.

He comes from working class background and I am from UMC. Often when we look at spending habits we disagree as to how much things "should" cost, i.e. groceries, clothing for dc, etc.

Over the years, I have come to respect this and I would not necessarily call him stingy, just more money conscious than I am, which I think is a good thing in keeping our family's budget on course.

All good, except for this: he is so disorganized regarding family related things that I find my days filled with his problems. To give you a sense of it, this week I spent a full day straightening out his taxes, pricing out moving companies because he is moving offices, fighting with BUPA, and just stupid busy work that a grown man should take care of. The problem is he just waits and waits until it becomes a huge issue and is about to blow up in his face, and then asks for me to fix it.

I just lost it to him on phone a minute ago: he had a very important drs appointment with a private GP. He just missed it. No excuse no explanation and when I asked him why he missed it he said he was in the city and didn't feel like going all the way to Harley Street.

I'm fuming because this will cost us £ 500 since BUPA doesn't cover missed appointments, I had spent all day Tuesday getting the pre-authorization in place and he just doesn't care.

If I had spent that much money on a bag, or clothes or whatever and lost it, he would be hitting the roof regarding how much money I've wasted, yet when it is him doing it, he didn't seem fazed.

I feel guilty because he is the sole provider, but at the same time I want a partner not a child to nag and take care of.

Am I wrong or what should I do next?

What about the principle of £300 quid on blow drying?!

I’m I’m not judging what you spend your money on..I’m just saying you seem to have a huge amount of disposable income but are getting wound up about relatively small amounts

What exactly does UMC stand for? Utterly Mashed on Carlsberg or Under the influence of Medicinal Cannabis

😆 Proper lulz

I’m going to get flamed for this, but it’s worth the risk 😆 I wonder if the OP is @Crumbs1’s American relative??

It sounds as though you're frightened that the wheels are coming off and his business might fail. Has it grown quite quickly? His management skills and understanding of what skills need to be brought in now it's bigger haven't kept pace?

You've explained why you placed importance on this appointment - because it fits a narrative you've constructed, describing how his financial management problems are going to be brought back under control, to give yourself comfort. Now he's broken away from the script and you're not sure what is going to happen next.

If that's true, it sounds as though he needs business advice, a mentor, a consultant perhaps.

You do sounds as though you need to go back to work, to occupy your mind with something other than worrying about him, more than anything.

Also, pps' points about financial literacy ring true. He knows about ordinary outgoings but not about investments - what stands to be gained and lost by managing what you do have well, or badly.

This thread is a little crazy, but, you honestly need to stop doing things for him. The things you shouldn’t be doing, such as his taxes, moving company, etc.

When he gets to the stage that he asks you, you reply ‘I cant’. It may hit the finances for your family but that’s his fault.

He needs to learn to take care of his own shit and won’t do it if you always do it or bail him out.

Well, I don’t know.

What is your role in the family, OP? Would it be better to put the DC in childcare for 1-2 days a week and step up in your family business and officially take over the tax receipts, categorising personal spending, sorting investments etc?

I can see the argument that you’re enabling him - but perhaps he genuinely needs stuff off his plate? He’s obviously very successful at making money, but needs help with managing it.

Why can’t you do that? Perhaps you’re not enabling him enough?

Hold it a minute. You say "DP" and that you are not married.

Then you say that your parents bought you your family's house in Chelsea "as a wedding present".

Which, please, is it? It can not be both?

In sure there will be a totally believable explanation for the wedding/not wedding.

This is another world to me, so I'm probably best not passing comment. But, I couldn't help but notice, and it's left me a bit confused - you said upthread that you're not married, but then said your parents bought you a Chelsea lad as a wedding gift? Maybe this is some American customary quirk I'm not familiar with?

X-post

Maybe she's married to someone else? Hairdresser mebbe.

It sounds like you're bored being a SAHM. Why not get a nanny/au pair and get a job so you don't have time to be his PA?

100k is an average income in the City, it's the kind of salary average-medium IT people are on, bankers far more. Presumably if you're living in Chelsea, he earns a lot more than that or the two of you had a good inheritance. He must be able to afford a decent PA - ideally one much older!

Come on, everyone in Chelsea already has a nanny don't they? How else do you fit in your blow dries at the salon?
Married to the hairdresser? Anything's possible when you're UMC unemployed Movie Creator.

Jesus Christ, people on here sound so bitter/jealous and petty!

Not RTFT but you said it was an important appointment, what was it for? I get that one rule for one and not the other is unfair and he really Should learn to take care of some of these other problems he is a grown man and being a mum is stressful wether a SAHM or a working one, but he could be scared about the appointment so dodging it.

Are people not allowed on MN or allowed to be involved in conversations just because they are affluent or from a privileged background? Seems very inclusive/supportive and not at all mean-spirited.

I must admit I only clicked on this thread to find out if OP's husband was one of those strange men who likes dressing up as a big baby in nappies and such like.

‘you said upthread that you're not married, but then said your parents bought you a Chelsea lad as a wedding gift?’

Good point?

I'm so confused.

Probably not very relevant but it’s down right rude to just forget to go to a Harley St appt! Do you have any idea how much the rent is?! A missed appt is a waste of time for everyone, it means someone else couldn’t get an appt and the doctor or ‘specialist’ concernered is wasting time doing nothing instead of healing people ! Bloody rude!

Sorry, think I must have missed a lot here. Am I right in thinking your parents bought you a house in Chelsea for a wedding present?
Fuck me........I got a toaster
Joking aside, your problems are nothing to do with his missed appointment or the 500 quid (which you could clearly afford to light a fart with)
He is arrogant, you are bored
You need to talk to each other a bit more about what you both want and need from your relationship
He brings in the dosh, but that doesn’t mean you should be belittled or treated like an employee
Regardless of whether you live in Chelsea or Shittyown, a partnership should be open, honest, supportive and FUN
(I’m sure you can find some fun in Chelsea)

Yes, a whole house, and they didn't even get married. I got a fucking ugly wall clock. And you ask why I am bitter and jealous.