DP is a big baby, but I feel guilty being critical since I'm SAHM

[fgd45]

Tell me if I'm being unreasonable. Some background: DP is our primary breadwinner. He earns a six figure salary and we are well off.

He comes from working class background and I am from UMC. Often when we look at spending habits we disagree as to how much things "should" cost, i.e. groceries, clothing for dc, etc.

Over the years, I have come to respect this and I would not necessarily call him stingy, just more money conscious than I am, which I think is a good thing in keeping our family's budget on course.

All good, except for this: he is so disorganized regarding family related things that I find my days filled with his problems. To give you a sense of it, this week I spent a full day straightening out his taxes, pricing out moving companies because he is moving offices, fighting with BUPA, and just stupid busy work that a grown man should take care of. The problem is he just waits and waits until it becomes a huge issue and is about to blow up in his face, and then asks for me to fix it.

I just lost it to him on phone a minute ago: he had a very important drs appointment with a private GP. He just missed it. No excuse no explanation and when I asked him why he missed it he said he was in the city and didn't feel like going all the way to Harley Street.

I'm fuming because this will cost us £ 500 since BUPA doesn't cover missed appointments, I had spent all day Tuesday getting the pre-authorization in place and he just doesn't care.

If I had spent that much money on a bag, or clothes or whatever and lost it, he would be hitting the roof regarding how much money I've wasted, yet when it is him doing it, he didn't seem fazed.

I feel guilty because he is the sole provider, but at the same time I want a partner not a child to nag and take care of.

Am I wrong or what should I do next?

So the removal company issue is a great example of our relationship:

He owns his own company and they have offices in the city. After ds was born two years ago he also rented one of those coworking offices near our house so he could do a type of paternity leave where he spent flexible time between the house and there.

It's now been two years and the coworking office is still being deducted on auto-debit. I said that was ridiculous and a waste. He needs to go there, pack up books, computers, screens and move it either home or to his actual office. He agreed. Deadline to move out is April 1. Nothing has been booked or done until I asked him this week. So I desperately start calling man with van type operations to figure out who can do it as it is too much for me to put in the car and do myself.

If he hadn't waited until the last minute to tell me, I could have shopped around, negotiated. Instead we will have to go with what is available.

So that's not seen as wasted money as it unavoidable, whereas I (acknowledge it is luxurious and frivolous) get 2x blow drys a week that are 40 pounds each and he says that's too much and why do I do that.

I think he is behaving this way because you are enabling it by coming to the rescue every time. I would tell him in no uncertain terms that from now on you are no longer his PA and that you are fed up of his disrespectful behaviour (because that's what it is). And I would follow through and let him sort out his own mess next time. Yes you will likely lose money but I think it will give him a wake up call if you actually follow through.

Everything you say screams at me that you should go back to work yourself.

What are your savings like? If he burns out what's your safety net?

Six figure income, private medical care AND a house in Chelsea (although to have a really nice house in CHelsea I think you'd need a seven figure income)
You are living the dream, or something.

AlphaApple: money wise I ::think:: I will be ok. I had a good city job before I met him, I am in a strange niche in the industry and could easily consult.

The point is, I do as much, if not more, to contribute to the well being of our life as he does and he has no respect for it.

How do I make him see why I'm so upset about this appointment when he comes home tonight?

I’m working class and earn over 100k once you add bonus. I don’t believe it is the norm for most people but don’t understand what’s so strange about it either

You spunk £4k a year in getting your hair dried?

A lot of mumsnetters partners earn over 6 figures don't they? Yet only 1% of the population earn that. Funny that. wink Especially impressive when he is from a working class background.

Makes me wonder what they do to earn this amazing salary!

I think you will find it is higher than 1%. 6 figure salary doesn't automatically mean someone earns 250K. What difference does someone's background make to what they earn? Why shouldn't someone from a working class background earn big bucks if they worked hard for it? You sound like a very envious person.

OP, like others before me I'd suggest he hires a PA and if he already has one then suggest he asks her to deal with his diary etc.

A private GP charging £500 for a missed appointment?

Fintress: he has a PA but says she shouldn't be dealing with personal errands or issues. It's only for work related things.

Can I press the point that he should make her do them?

Peachyking000: most private drs if you miss an appt and don't cancel within 24 hrs before charge your the full price.

When the children are very small I understand the reasons for being a SAHM. But the discrepancies in this relationships would be smoothed if you had your own money.

I'd be focusing on being back in work once they're in senior school and aiming to part time, working from home if poss, once they're in junior school.

Once you have your own money your blow dries and air fares are your business. Plus you will not have the time to bail out his messes, so he will have to engage.

Get yourself a local private GP, there are plenty in Chelsea, then you're not paying Harley street prices.

We’re working class and my dp also earns six figures through sheer hard work and brains. Not sure why people are disbelieving of that.
Op, I’d be livid and annoyed. I’d tell him next time he wants to waste £500 to not also waste your time. Tell
Him you’re not organising a grown man’s life and he needs to get his shit together

Tbh I wouldn't stay with someone who could/would call me a 'spoiled brat' in any context... You are both adults but you do not seem to treat each other as such.

His PA should really be sorting out the logistics within his company.

That aside, I think you're suddenly feeling bitter and resentful about the efforts you put in because you are angry at him for missing his appointment today. That's the bones of it.

Did you coerce him into making this appointment? I suspect he missed it because he doesn't want to admit he has any sort of mental health issue or face up to the fact that he is struggling keeping all his work balls in the air (for want of a better phrase )

I actually think it's a mistake to drag all your minor resentments over money disagreements into a conversation over why he missed an appointment today.
Keep that as a separate issue and separate your emotions over that with your feelings of concern over his mental health.

We are both from working class backgrounds too and my husband earns 6 figures as a GP.

You are enabling him. Stop and start focusing on yourself and your career goals. He doesn’t respect you so why continue? You are in a destructive cycle. I’d suggest getting yourself some therapy to figure out why and how to stop this

All good, except for this: he is so disorganized regarding family related things that I find my days filled with his problems

Sorry OP but I am going to go against the grain here. You are very well off compared to >99% of uk families. You are leading s very privileged lifestyle if you can afford £80 on blowdries a week. I have many clients who live on less than that a week.
You state are a SAHM and it sounds like DH is stressed out his mind with the strain of a high power career. So, frankly, Unless you are about to reveal you spend your day looking after 6 kids with special needs, I think YOU should be helping him more. You are his partner. His problems are your problems. If I was in the scenario you just described, I’d be blooming well escorting him to such an important medical appointment to make sure he didn’t miss it.

I wonder whether the situation would be improved by you doing some consulting. Then you would have your own money for your own luxuries and it would feel more as though he was wasting his own money and less as though he was disrespecting you. Plus you would be too busy to bail him out so he might shape up a bit more

I don't think it's necessarily wrong to separate out areas of responsibility - I do more of the practical stuff than DP and he definitely does more in terms of emotional support - occasionally I'd like him to take a bit more responsibility but then remember how wonderful he is when I wake him up in the middle of the night because I've suddenly got the wobblies.

However it's clear that your division of responsibilities is not working for you so obviously you need to change something.

You could save money by having a local private GP. Appointments are £40 for a walk-in in the city but not sure how much a cancellation would be.

He needs to pay a PA.

I think it's really quite reasonable to expect you to do some errands when you don't work.

I also think you have very little high ground to take over the fee for a missed appointment when you spend £80 a week getting your hair dried.

It's now been two years and the coworking office is still being deducted on auto-debit.

This sounds a bit like my DH although unfortunately he doesn't earn that much and I work too. He frequently "forgets" things that shouldn't have been sorted. He signed up for a car sharing scheme which he thought would have been useful for me to use - it would have been too but I didn't know anything about it! We ended up paying for that for two years...lots of similar situations. The difference is though, he knows he is rubbish with stuff like that and he never criticizes me for spending. I think that is where the problem is tbh.

*should have been sorted!