DP is a big baby, but I feel guilty being critical since I'm SAHM

[fgd45]

Tell me if I'm being unreasonable. Some background: DP is our primary breadwinner. He earns a six figure salary and we are well off.

He comes from working class background and I am from UMC. Often when we look at spending habits we disagree as to how much things "should" cost, i.e. groceries, clothing for dc, etc.

Over the years, I have come to respect this and I would not necessarily call him stingy, just more money conscious than I am, which I think is a good thing in keeping our family's budget on course.

All good, except for this: he is so disorganized regarding family related things that I find my days filled with his problems. To give you a sense of it, this week I spent a full day straightening out his taxes, pricing out moving companies because he is moving offices, fighting with BUPA, and just stupid busy work that a grown man should take care of. The problem is he just waits and waits until it becomes a huge issue and is about to blow up in his face, and then asks for me to fix it.

I just lost it to him on phone a minute ago: he had a very important drs appointment with a private GP. He just missed it. No excuse no explanation and when I asked him why he missed it he said he was in the city and didn't feel like going all the way to Harley Street.

I'm fuming because this will cost us £ 500 since BUPA doesn't cover missed appointments, I had spent all day Tuesday getting the pre-authorization in place and he just doesn't care.

If I had spent that much money on a bag, or clothes or whatever and lost it, he would be hitting the roof regarding how much money I've wasted, yet when it is him doing it, he didn't seem fazed.

I feel guilty because he is the sole provider, but at the same time I want a partner not a child to nag and take care of.

Am I wrong or what should I do next?

As money isn't a problem you could fine him £500 for missing the appointment you spent time setting up and spend it on something you want (and something he wouldn't approve of) and tell him that'll happen every time. It might annoy him enough that he'll turn up on time or at least make appointments himself but if not you get something nice! This is sort of a joke but then I thought why not? This is my new bag, I call it Harley!

He is either not a very nice person or he has mental health problems and very much needs to attend his appointment.

My DH is busy with his job....I don't bail him out and he doesn't bail me out with mine?! He must see you as part of the business like an unpaid PA.

tortelliniforever : YES! That's the thing, if he just let me run my "realm" of our life as I think best, and missed the appointment maybe I wouldn't be so upset.

It's the fact that he nitpicks on my spending (when we can afford and it is within our budget) but then goes and blows what I consider a lot of money without any remorse or a good excuse.

If he had told me, Listen, I had a client call me or I had an emergency come up I just couldn't do it. I'm so sorry.
I would have understood the above. Instead, he went to lunch with his best friend, and then took out some people from the office to the pub. So there were no emergencies all day today!

I don't understand why you are getting so much grief on here for being high earners. It shouldn't make any difference.

I feel for you op. I'd be livid. Were you the that wanted him to go to the appointment?

Everyone has their faults. You can either keep trying to change him or accept him faults and all. It is annoying he missed the appointment. I also hate unreliability. And I think if people have been brought up not used to money it's hard for them to think that they deserve better quality stuff now they can afford it.

In the grand scheme of things I think you're quite lucky and don't have that much to complain about. He should be paying somebody to organise office moves and sort out his taxes.

What’s obvious is that he thinks your time is worth nothing.

His time has worth, £500 to be exact for the journey from the city to Harley St (which is what, 20 mins on the tube?), whereas the 6 hours or whatever it took you to visit your sister isn’t even worth £400.

I’m sorry but he clearly doesn’t value you and the SAHM role at all, it sounds like a very unequal relationship and I think that unless he has a revelation here, you are in real trouble.

As it sounds like money isn’t a problem for you, then a private PA (that works for the household and not for his business) would be the obvious solution to his disorganisation but unfortunately that won’t change your relationship.

OliviaBenson: Yes and no. He dropped the ball on something very very serious - our taxes. It's now costing us a lot of money to sort out, this resulted in a big big fight a few months back where I said his attitude is endangering our whole family and our financial security because I can't keep track of every possible thing that could be falling through the cracks. I would be happy to help but the way things were going it couldn't go on and I asked him if he was depressed or anxious or if maybe he should see someone that could help him establish a system with dealing with these everyday things.

He was very remorseful and said yes of course you are right, I'll go see someone. He went to 1 appt, got some meds, never filled them and was meant to show up for his second appt today and just blew it off.

He realizes he has a problem but maybe there is something preventing him from addressing it or prioritizing it?

Keep a running total - on your computer,phone, piece of paper on the fridge, detailing how much money you "wasted" this month and how much he wasted. Pull out your list every time he has something to say about your spending.

Presumably you have your own tax accountant?

Why wouldn't the PA organise the office move? That would totally be within their remit.
Why doesn't he have an accountant to do his taxes? Mine costs a lot less than you spend on getting your hair dried.

He realizes he has a problem but maybe there is something preventing him from addressing it or prioritizing it?

I think it's that he doesn't see these things as being worthy of his time and effort. Perhaps take the rental money for that unit and spend it on an actual PA/book-keeper. He only hands projects to you when they are a mess and he can't be arsed with them anymore. That's not what you tend to do when you respect someone. There's a good chance that he won't want an actual PA to see how disorganized he is, so he may start to get it together.

But either way, nothing will improve while you are putting out his fires and finding solutions. An expensive solution is better for him on balance than a cheaper one he had to look around for himself. If he won't employ a paid assistant, tell him he no longer has the services of the unpaid one.

Oh, he has one? Well they absolutely should be dealing with things like office moves. Many PAs do also manage personal diaries, it depends how busy they are.

Excellent suggestion brenda

he worked harder than I ever did

Don't sell yourself short. He's clearly done very well for himself, but I think I could do better had I a wife like you behind me. And while he clearly brings a lot to the table, so do you...I'm guessing you have carried, given birth to and raised children with him. You are important.

PA sorts the office move.

Accountant sorts the taxes.

You help with everything else reasonable. Or become a PA on the company & be paid via the company for your labour.

I also agree with him that £80 per week on blow dries is OTT for a SAHM.

He clearly doesn’t agree he needs an appointment with a specialist or to take medication. From what you’ve posted, I don’t really think it’s possible to say if your assessment is right.

What's in it for him if he sees someone and starts to sort his own mess out?

At the moment he has no reason to change.

Actually as he seems to be very keen on miney and how much you are ‘over’ spending, and seeing that he feels he has a say in how you are spending money, I would draw a budget and highlight how much HE is spending, because of his no care attitude.
Add the money due to him not doing his taxes correctly (why on earth does he not have an accountant???), missed appointments etc
Then add the time you spend being his PA (sounds like it’s nearly a full time job) paid at reasonable wage (maybe the one of his own PA at work?)
And the discuss how it can ever be compare to the small savings he is a,sing you to make on groceries etc etc.

Atm it feels like he is in full patriarcal mode. As in women work is worth nothing. Women are here to facilitate my work, be my PA. Like the ime I have at work and my wife at home. There to remind me of appointments, do all the preparation work, sort out paperwork. All the boring stuff I can’t possibly do.
I, as the man, can tell people what to do (so tell my employees but also my wife what to do/how to spend money etc...) because I know best.

Fwiw my experience with H, who is also working class with a better job, is that he has no financial literacy. He doesn’t see beyond bank account is too low and how much is the shopping or the clothes (usually based on the prices for cheap clothes/food from 15 years ago). The rest (investment, taxes, renting an office like you mentioned) would be going over his head.

Re the tax situation why on earth don’t you have an accountant surely that’s what most people in your position do? Why didn’t his PA sort out the office move?

Lots of people with busy stressful careers are rubbish with the detail of things like tax returns etc - not sure it sounds like a mental health issue tbh but he needs to get organised.

It sounds as though he isn’t happy at you being a frivolous sahm while he works hard in a stressful environment - I’m not surprised he wonders why you need to spend £80 a week of his hard earned money on your hair.

I think if you are happy to keep helping him, you should be paid for your time. Then you will have your own choice on spending your money. It’s appalling that you had to drive hours instead of flying while he sounds money.

You're spending over £300 a month on your blow-dries, he's not arsed about £500 on a missed doctor's appointment. How the other half live.

It seems obvious that as pps have said he outsources some of his workload, hires an accountant, utilises his PA and viola his stress will reduce dramatically and there'll probably be no need to go and talk about his struggles with an overpriced doc on Harley Street.

Don't underestimate how disabling prolonged stress can be. It sounds as though he's struggling to maintain his workload and balls are being dropped all over the place. Continual fuck ups will ruin his business very quickly.

Perhaps that should be the main concern here rather than quibbling over the price of things.

If you are not actually legally married, why are you doing all this wife work? How are you going to be financially protected if you split up?