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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP is a big baby, but I feel guilty being critical since I'm SAHM

187 replies

fgd45 · 29/03/2018 18:45

Tell me if I'm being unreasonable. Some background: DP is our primary breadwinner. He earns a six figure salary and we are well off.

He comes from working class background and I am from UMC. Often when we look at spending habits we disagree as to how much things "should" cost, i.e. groceries, clothing for dc, etc.

Over the years, I have come to respect this and I would not necessarily call him stingy, just more money conscious than I am, which I think is a good thing in keeping our family's budget on course.

All good, except for this: he is so disorganized regarding family related things that I find my days filled with his problems. To give you a sense of it, this week I spent a full day straightening out his taxes, pricing out moving companies because he is moving offices, fighting with BUPA, and just stupid busy work that a grown man should take care of. The problem is he just waits and waits until it becomes a huge issue and is about to blow up in his face, and then asks for me to fix it.

I just lost it to him on phone a minute ago: he had a very important drs appointment with a private GP. He just missed it. No excuse no explanation and when I asked him why he missed it he said he was in the city and didn't feel like going all the way to Harley Street.

I'm fuming because this will cost us £ 500 since BUPA doesn't cover missed appointments, I had spent all day Tuesday getting the pre-authorization in place and he just doesn't care.

If I had spent that much money on a bag, or clothes or whatever and lost it, he would be hitting the roof regarding how much money I've wasted, yet when it is him doing it, he didn't seem fazed.

I feel guilty because he is the sole provider, but at the same time I want a partner not a child to nag and take care of.

Am I wrong or what should I do next?

OP posts:
martinidry · 29/03/2018 21:51

Maybe your partner is a little resentful because you're spending money he earned on $40 x2 hair washes a week while complaining about how or how much you help him to earn it? Maybe he feels that your part of the deal, if you want to enjoy these luxuries, is to keep the boat sailing while he brings in the cash money?

RidingWindhorses · 29/03/2018 21:52

If you're American you can't be 'umc', and parents with £5 million to blow on a wedding present?

If your family have that kind of money, surely you'd have your own private income?

Backingvocals · 29/03/2018 21:52

Ok so you basically only need DH salary for living expenses. He doesn’t have to pay the mortgage. But he fritters money away on unused office space despite apparently being a capable human and you don’t earn your own money but run round after a man child who is housed by his parents in law.

Power and money relationships are all wrong here.

martinidry · 29/03/2018 21:55

Maybe, I can add this also, he is annoyed because he believes he has every right to "waste" the money he earns if he wants to. It isn't as if your children will go without food to eat because of a missed appointment with GP so he thinks perhaps it's not a problem.
He will perhaps see you losing a big money handbag as a problem also because he earned the money to buy it. I am not saying definitely, but maybe?

ChiaraRimini · 29/03/2018 21:57

So many petty twats here.

OP-you need to lay it on the line that his behaviour is unacceptable
He is taking the piss because he thinks he can get away with it, treat you as his unpaid PA as you are an SAHM.
Get tough with him, he will either respect you for it, or the marriage will be over but either is better than what you have now.

Original poster
fgd45 · 29/03/2018 22:03

@martinidry maybe, I do think from our phone call that he didn't think it was a big deal. So setting aside the symbolic significance of why this appt is important, 500 is a lot of money to just throw away. It doesn't matter how much we have, it's not the way we should be living! And maybe he feels like this about some of my other personal grooming expenditures but I feel like I don't waste that much money in one swoop as he did. And if I had made a mistake like he did that cost us money, I would be apologetic.

To posters questioning my parents and my finances, I don't want to expand on it. My parents provided me with an excellent education and were more than generous in helping our family in getting set up in life. I do not receive any outside income from them now and I would be mortified to do so seeing as I am a grown woman with a DP and dc. If we should receive anything from them in the form of inheritance, I do not know nor am I counting on it.

OP posts:
CookieDoughKid · 29/03/2018 22:03

Honestly not out of reach to earn six figures in London. I'd say its pretty average in my industry. Dh and I from very working class (or in my case, benefits family background.

I know what you mean OP. My dh once didn't bother claim £2000 in travel expenses because he couldn't be bothered. I understand the pressures and why they don't deem it important. I still reel ugly from the non expense claim but he's not going to change. He's one extreme to another (he's currently jobless at moment and he's not that bothered.) I on the other hand feel guilty buying coffee from Starbucks.

All you can do is detach. Or make yourself employed by your partner to pick up the admin work. You should charge a fair day rate!!

CookieDoughKid · 29/03/2018 22:10

I think financial literacy is a learnt habit. Some personalities like my dh, finance is an emotive thing. A clipped wing mirror on his sports car may need replacing at cost of £ even if its a small some - that 'hurts'. Vs the time spent NOT doing expense claims don't 'hurt'. So I think it's very emotive.

DangerEgg · 29/03/2018 22:11

OP - you could be me, the 'man-sitting' , sorting out , advising, not being listened to, in trouble with the tax man, wasting money we don't have, banging your head against a brick wall.

Except I have three jobs, am the main earner and do all the childcare too, being a childminder and my DP can't even bring £1000 into our joint account a month.

You are an enabler - there are threads about this. You stay a SAHM, this is what you have to do to enable the main breadwinner. Your role isn't even appreciated! Next time, get the bloody flight.

You have the lifestyle and blow-drys to make it worth your while. Accept this is your lot. Or go back to work and stop enabling.

ReanimatedSGB · 29/03/2018 22:12

I think the key issue is his attitude towards you. As a PP said, he will buy you expensive 'treats' yet complain when you choose to spend money on something you want - and you are a well-off household. I still think he is invested in controlling and punishing you and, in fact, even if you clean up his messes, he is not going to respect you or accept that you are not his servant.

Whose idea was it that you should be SAHM, btw? If he had more enthusiasm for you stopping paid work than you did, then it's very, very likely that he resents you and is actively working to keep you anxious and occupied yet unable to exercise any control. Because you are smarter than him, but he is The Man: a lot of abusive men seek out competent, successful women and put a lot of effort into making their lives hell because, to some men, all women have to be 'conquered' and crushed into submission, and the more succesful and competent the woman is at the start of the relationship, the more 'points' the man gets from breaking her.

MrsGrindah · 29/03/2018 22:15

Sounds like you can easily afford the £500 so no sure what the point of the thread is?!

RidingWindhorses · 29/03/2018 22:15

Six figures is not the issue it's standard in many areas.

The gift of a house in Chelsea otoh not so much. We're talking 5 million for a family house.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 29/03/2018 22:18

Will a pre nup contract hold any water in this country when there haven't been any actual nupitals?

EmiliaAirheart · 29/03/2018 22:21

So you’d be mortified, as a grown woman with her own family, to get any cash assistance thrown towards you now, but the multimillion pound family home doesn’t count... right...

Oh well, hope the rest of mumsnet who gets the odd bit of money given to them for kids’ school trips or holiday treats feel suitably mortified now! Haha.

For the record, I’ve had neither type of assistance, so well-placed to see the irony here!

Original poster
fgd45 · 29/03/2018 22:22

@MrsGrindah it was the principle of the thing! £500 is a lot of money no matter how much we make. It's the equivalent of just throwing it in the bin and not caring. That's not the way I want to live my life nor is it the values I was brought up with.

OP posts:
Original poster
fgd45 · 29/03/2018 22:24

@EmiliaAirheart I meant it to be that we already had the biggest assistance possible, a house. If we cant budget and live within our means given our current situation than thats on us and would be ridiculous to complain and ask for more from my parents because we are incredibly lucky already.

OP posts:
whirlygirly · 29/03/2018 22:30

I think you're fortunate to be in a position where your money brings you choice but you seem to recognise that.

So sit down together, list out what needs doing and then find a way to outsource everything you and your dh don't want to do. Then think about going back to work part time.

You're heading for a world of resentment otherwise.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 29/03/2018 22:32

Well yes if you do find yourself needing more money you could sell up and move to Cranleigh.
It's such a shame you're at each other's throats and quibbling over a couple of hundred here and there when you're loaded.
I can't help thinking I'd be happy as Larry in your position and not sweating the small stuff.

RidingWindhorses · 29/03/2018 22:32

You could quite easily live within your means if you sold the house in Chelsea and bought a family house in say Barnes for around £3 million and invested the rest.

Then you could have all the blow dries and air fares you like and he couldn't argue about it.

category12 · 29/03/2018 22:33

But £300 a month on blowdrying your hair isn't a waste?

I mean I can see it from his point of view - he thinks £300 odd a month on your hair is a waste, so why should he spunk away £500 on a missed appointment if he can't be arsed to go?

category12 · 29/03/2018 22:33

shouldn't

Notalo · 29/03/2018 22:34

Just as an aside, a 2 bedroom apartment in Chelsea will easily set you back 2-3 million - not within the reach of upper middle class at all.
OP, I think you may need to accept that your partner has a somewhat careless attitude to money, as irritating as it may be..

Armi · 29/03/2018 22:36

Get a job and buy a hair dryer.

Gitfeatures · 29/03/2018 22:42

Your refer to mental health problems - are you leaving something out, or is chronically disorganised now considered an illness?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 29/03/2018 22:55

This is a bizarre story thread.
A pre nup with no wedding?
A set six figure salary although he owns the business and does his own tax returns, asking his wife to scrabble about for old receipts so he can claim expenses.
A lovely house in Chelsea which is revealed was a present after 5 pages of confused questions
And a PA who can't organise an office move.

What exactly does UMC stand for? Utterly Mashed on Carlsberg or Under the influence of Medicinal Cannabis.

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