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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask when you first had visitors following childbirth

259 replies

Blythwind · 28/03/2018 14:54

My DH is planning on allowing/encouraging friends and family to visit as soon as we are back (or even whilst I am still in) hospital following the birth of our first child. He has a very large family so it's not just his parents.

I'd rather wait a week or so, whilst I recover a bit from c-sec, and whilst we adjust to our new life, before everyone starts trooping in. I'd like to set the expectation, by telling people we will let them know when we are ready for visitors (so they don't just turn up).

He says I'm being unreasonable/rude/cruel. Am I??

OP posts:
SluttyButty · 28/03/2018 14:56

I had them in hospital visiting and about three hours after getting home. Didn't bother me, I wanted to show my babies off Grin

Kidssendingmenuts · 28/03/2018 14:57

First baby day after most family pooped by and throughout the week. 2nd baby didn't even announce we had had her till a week after only told close relatives and a few friends xx

onlyonaTuesday · 28/03/2018 14:58

First baby, six hours after giving birth.
Second baby , next day.

Jimjams2018 · 28/03/2018 14:58

You're not. I had visitors while I was still in the delivery room. My in laws. It was horrific. My XDH did not listen at all to me (one of the reasons we are now divorced) and I was lying there having just been stitched up, as they all came in for a cuddle. I might be still bitter about that.

I think you need to tell him that you don't know how you will feel till baby is here, but he needs to run these things past you.

Trust me, take it at your pace.

Nomad86 · 28/03/2018 14:59

First time, I had a reasonably straightforward birth so had visitors same day on the ward. Second time i was in the birth centre so visitors after a couple of hours. Both times it was just the grandparents though and only because I felt fine. It probably would have been very different if I'd had a caesarian or long labour. You don't have to announce the birth until you're ready for visitors if you like.

Bear2014 · 28/03/2018 14:59

A week sounds sensible to me, apart from v close family. I felt pretty rough after both my c sections and wanted to concentrate on establishing bf etc. Your DH should take your lead on this!

PrettyWisdomous · 28/03/2018 14:59

Mil turned up at the hospital uninvited just a couple of hours after DS was born Hmm

That kind of "broke the seal" and after that, all and sundry were invited to my hospital bedside.

FrizzyNoodles · 28/03/2018 15:00

Youre not being unreasonable as its you going through it but it sounds like he isnt going to listen to you so I would make sure he does all the work - cooking, cleaning, making tea for his visitors.
If you breast feed you will need quiet time away quite frequently so don't feel that you can't take yourself off to your bedroom.
When other people are holding baby you can have a bath or lie down.
I had visitors same day in hospital and waiting at home when we brought dd home but i went with it and they were respectful of my feelings

Blahdyblaah · 28/03/2018 15:02

We didnt have anyone in hospital but as soon as we were home people started popping in. I loved showing off the babies and everyone was excited to meet them.

HollyBayTree · 28/03/2018 15:02

First baby at 10.59pm - fist visitor at 10am next day
Second baby at 10.59am - first visitors about 2pm same day
Ditto third baby
Number 2 and 3 prem and in NCU for a while, all 3 c/sections.

trevthecat · 28/03/2018 15:03

We had mil sil my mum and my sister on the day of birth, that was fine. The following day everyone and his dog came round. It was too much. I didn't hold my baby for 8 hours and even then I had to actually take him back. I would insist you have at least a few days if that's what you want. If your having a section as well you will need your rest and time to adjust and start healing. Your baby your rules, you birthed it!! I know people will be excited to meet the baby but you won't get that time back

Trilllllian · 28/03/2018 15:04

New mim’s Prerogative - it should be your choice, and wait until you’ve had baby because you might feel differently then.

Tell DH this is ‘the new normal’ you are a family unit yourselves now and it’s up to you not the relatives

Darkstar4855 · 28/03/2018 15:04

YANBU. Baby will still look the same in a week. Your recovery (and sanity) is more important.

LagunaBubbles · 28/03/2018 15:05

I had my other sons and brother in next day after last baby. And then other family the next day. And then various people popping in when I got home. Didnt bother me. I do get it bothers other people, but I cant imagine telling people not to visit for a week.

goldenslumbers1 · 28/03/2018 15:08

A couple of friends popped into the ward for a very short visit, but our first proper visitors were the in-laws when baby was six days old. My mother came to stay when he was eight days old. There was no pressure from parents which I was grateful for.
I had a very straightforward birth but was still very sore physically and mentally/emotionally, I felt completely overwhelmed!
I’m very grateful for those first few days with just my husband and my boy as we tried to adjust to our new normal - he’s now a month old and we’re still introducing him gradually to people.
Definitely tell your husband that you need to set the pace xx

Babyplaymat · 28/03/2018 15:10

Day we got home with #1
In hospital with #2 and #3.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 28/03/2018 15:11

One of mine was home at dd's in full swing birthday party at 12 hours old!!
Had another at 6am and and picked older ones from school at 3 (dm who was supposed to be childcare fell and broke her arm and I was out before her!)
Imo it's ultimately up to you not dh - he won't have just given birth. Start as you meant to go on regarding having your feelings heard though where dc are concerned.

Kintan · 28/03/2018 15:22

We had visitors in the hospital the day after my c-section, and then at home maybe a day or two after we got home. Maybe compromise and say people can pop in and see you in the hospital, but no visitors at home for at least a week? I was happy that people wanted to come and meet the baby and welcome him into the world so didn’t mind visitors, but everyone is different :)

NickyNora · 28/03/2018 15:27

You and your dh have no idea how you will be after giving birth.

Just wait and see how you feel.

Good luck.Flowers

Qcumber · 28/03/2018 15:27

You can tell the midwives you don't want any visitors and they won't let anyone in. While you're in hospital as a patient, it is not in any way your DP's decision. He can't overrule you.
When you're home is a different matter, and while in an ideal world partners would respect a new mother's wishes, you may have to compromise.
Shirt visits. No longer than an hour. After the times up just say 'well I'm very tired and baby needs a feed so I'll see you all soon thanks for visiting' and off you go upstairs :)
Good luck.

noeffingidea · 28/03/2018 15:28

About 2-3 hours after the birth, except for my first one. Visitors had to wait for visiting hours in those days, so that would be about 7 hours.
Didn't bother me in the slightest, I felt fine and happy to have company.

moita · 28/03/2018 15:28

Definitely wait and see but we had visitors the next day - I was bursting with pride and wanted to show ds off to everyone!

Spam88 · 28/03/2018 15:28

The grandparents were all in the delivery suite before I'd even been stitched up. Actually, all apart from FIL had been in during my labour as well (it was a long one) when my DH went off to eat.

My siblings and one of my uncles all visited the next day at the first opportunity, and the grandparents were there at every visiting time until we were discharged. Would have been pretty lonely without any visitors!

Honestly can't remember when most people visited once we were home. The in-laws stayed with us for a week though, and straight after that my DH's sister's stayed for a few days.

It's your decision at the end of the day, but I don't really get why people are bothered. Fair enough if you don't want everyone and their dog round, but I can't understand people not even allowing the baby's grandparents and aunties and uncles to visit.

mehhh · 28/03/2018 15:30

Just after she was born.. she was born 5am my family probably dinner time that day and dps family not long after.. my mum was at the birth so she was there throughout

FancyNewBeesly · 28/03/2018 15:31

I had an emergency c section very unexpectedly, and have only one family member nearby. Didn’t see him at all. My boys were in hospital for a long time (months rather than weeks). My sister came to visit 8 days after they were born but they were still in hospital. Was pointless anyone coming as they couldn’t hold them and we weren’t allowed many people in the nicu anyway.