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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask when you first had visitors following childbirth

259 replies

Blythwind · 28/03/2018 14:54

My DH is planning on allowing/encouraging friends and family to visit as soon as we are back (or even whilst I am still in) hospital following the birth of our first child. He has a very large family so it's not just his parents.

I'd rather wait a week or so, whilst I recover a bit from c-sec, and whilst we adjust to our new life, before everyone starts trooping in. I'd like to set the expectation, by telling people we will let them know when we are ready for visitors (so they don't just turn up).

He says I'm being unreasonable/rude/cruel. Am I??

OP posts:
midnight1983 · 29/03/2018 18:59

MIL came to stay on that night and the next day we had twenty or so people for a little party. I was off my face from a really difficult labour but I was so happy to have lots of visitors, it helped me get back to reality and was amazing to celebrate altogether. However, if you feel its wrong for you to have visitors so soon then put your foot down. Your feelings matter most at that time.

imtireddd · 29/03/2018 19:00

1st I had both parents, sister, my husbands uncle, aunt & cousin ( they were waiting on dil/wife in labour) straight after. Family bbq the day I got out of hospital.

2nd had both parents and dd straight after. Family wedding couple days later.

3rd just me and husband, parents & my sister & bil came in the afternoon for short visit. I was quite happy just me, husband & kids this time.

It's your choice, wait see how you feel.

PossumBottom · 29/03/2018 19:05

We had close friends in hospital day after. Parents a couple of weeks later. Had lots of time to get to know bahy and establish breastfeeding in peace. It was wonderful.

elliejjtiny · 29/03/2018 19:15

I'm so jealous of those of you who felt well and pain free after birth. After my elcs I was in agony and crying with the pain. My emcs aftermath was worse than my drug free labour and I still have nightmares about it nearly 4 years later. If my boys have dp's who have babies I'll be doing whatever the baby's mum feels comfortable with. If that means posting her chocolate through the letter box and not being allowed to see the baby for 2 months then so be it, although hopefully I'll be invited for squishy newborn cuddles before then.

BustopherJones · 29/03/2018 19:52

After my first I had PIL visit hospital the same day, and then visitors pretty much every day after for the next week or so. My dm was at the birth so there already, and stayed to help out for a week. I enjoyed people visiting, but sometimes I was too tired really, and in pain with a difficult start breastfeeding and just didn’t feel like I could cancel, despite it being a bit too much.

This time dm was there to look after dd, and my df and dsm visited hospital the day I gave birth. First thing in the morning I thought this would be fine, but I had some complications that reared their head later in the day and was actually in quite a bit of pain by then. I ended up going home that evening and going nearly straight back into hospital. Had I known that I wouldn’t have had visitors so soon. I found the midwife visits enough to be coping with this time, so was a bit too knackered to really enjoy our visitors this time. It was fine, but I really don’t think you should have any visitors if you’re not up to it.

Don’t put any pressure on yourself.

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 29/03/2018 19:55

elliejjtiny with your lovely attitude, it's more likely she will be delighted to see you.

It's a shame that some people refuse to understand that some births are traumatic and the mother need to rest. If your baby decides to sleep uninterrupted for 5 or 6 hours in the middle of day 1 and it's your only chance to get some rest, it's a damn shame you miss it because you are busy making tea for some entitled family member!

Even without anesthetic in their system, birth is tiring and some babies sleep wonderfully day 1 and day 2. Then not so much.

newsparklythings · 29/03/2018 20:36

Some didn't wait until DD was born, they managed to get past security Angry and walk straight into the room, luckily I had my legs closed just at that moment..

Had a c section and was in hospital for 10 days recovering. Had visitors on day 4/5 and that was about right and they only stayed for about 20 minutes.

Next lot a couple of days after that and again they didn't stay long, and made sure to bring things I needed.

First home visitors after maybe 2-3 weeks

Decide what you need, inform hospital security and your DH if necessary

lmmummy · 29/03/2018 20:44

I'd politely tell your partner to piss off. It is such an emotional and physical rollercoaster having a baby however you have one. Everyone needs to go at your pace. If you say a week then. Week it is. If you feel fine the next day and change your mind then so be it. If you don't want anyone coming over at all then that's your choice and your choice only. Your partner has to do what's right for you and support you

BertrandRussell · 29/03/2018 21:19

Surely if the baby's father wants to have visitors and does all the tea making and so on and doesn't allow them to be too noisy and makes sure they leave the mother alone if she wants to be left alone he should be able to? It's his baby too-can he not show it off if he wants to?

bimbobaggins · 29/03/2018 21:20

I had visions at the first available visiting hours and had all manner of friends and family visiting until I was discharged from hospital. I thought this was the norm and have also visited friends in hospital post delivery.
It’s only on mn I’ve seen illegal

mum11970 · 29/03/2018 21:26

First - in hospital within hours and stopped at my grandparents on way home. Second and third - on arrival at home as was out within 12 hours or less. Had 3rd late Saturday evening and did school run on foot on Monday morning so saw half the village within 48 hours.

SemiConsciousRobot · 29/03/2018 21:28

I don't understand these comments about "showing off" the baby. They are a person, not some kind of trophy to be passed about.

bimbobaggins · 29/03/2018 21:29

Visitors obviously! Not visions

Sofabitch · 29/03/2018 21:29

I got as many people to visit in the hospital, that way i didn't have to see them for long,

PasstheStarmix · 29/03/2018 21:30

About a week

wineandcheeseplease · 29/03/2018 21:31

About 3 hours after getting home..the same day that I gave birth. I loved people coming.

Midnightpony · 29/03/2018 21:32

Tbh it doesn't matter what anyone except you thinks. If the majority had visitors an hour after the baby was born but you're not happy with that, then you wait til you are!

Coco134 · 29/03/2018 21:33

About 10 mins after I gave birth and was stitched up. My dad come in for 10 mins as he had to be at the hospital just incase something went wrong with my child birth and he would of wanted to be there, same with my mum although my mum was in the room with me.

himalayansalt · 29/03/2018 21:36

Had 2 x c-sections and spent 5 days in hospital with the first, 4 days with the second.

I had visitors on days 2, 3, 4 and 5! It was fine. I wouldn't have wanted to keep the grandparents and uncles and aunts away from the baby.

HazelBite · 30/03/2018 00:25

My 3rd Pregnancy was twins born by emergency C section with a GA. I couldn't cope with visitors apart from my Dsis , Ddad who only stayed 10 mins to congratulate me, I was in hospital for 6 days, I needed the rest.
DH didn't tell his family or my extended family that they had arrived until I was home.
The longer time in hospital gave me the chance to recover somewhat

GinUnicorn · 30/03/2018 20:20

I also really don't see the harm in visitors waiting a week or so. The baby will still be there. Why the urgency?

user1499333856 · 30/03/2018 20:31

I went in the labour at the end of my baby shower when my husband's parents were there. Emergency C-section and premature. Yes, he had his parents at my baby shower. grim.

They didn't leave for two weeks!

Do what makes you happy - you don't ever get the time back.

peachgreen · 30/03/2018 21:19

I felt the same as you OP but actually I let everyone come to the hospital in the end as a) I was on a post-birth high and was happy to show DD off, b) visiting hours meant they could only stay so long and c) it meant they got their fix when DD was still all sleepy and newborn and easy, and I was feeling good, so when I got home and felt HORRENDOUS, we were able to hibernate for a week or so.

Best of luck with the impending arrival!

rumblytummy1 · 31/03/2018 11:10

We had a couple in hospital, then I asked exDP to cancel the rest. Csection, anaemia, iron transfusions. My parents came from overseas after 5 days, then other visitors after 3 weeks. ( I was not in a good way....)

pinkiepie1 · 31/03/2018 11:44

Unfortunately my births haven't been easy so dd was born prem and both my mum and dad ended up being there.
2dd it was spontaneous labour resulting in dh and 3yr old DD, my mum walked in so met her granddaughter when she was about 15 mins old.

I did find it hard that as soon as we walked into the house mil, sil and fill were waiting.
It might have been different if I hadn't had a 3rd degree tear and blood transfusion. But that broke me and I ended up bursting into tears in the garden.

If everything goes well and you feel up to it have visitors, if you feel like shit tell them you're not up to it and you will let them know when you are.

Just send pictures cos I did find that helped on the people who didn't visit straight after.