To ask when you first had visitors following childbirth

[Blythwind]

My DH is planning on allowing/encouraging friends and family to visit as soon as we are back (or even whilst I am still in) hospital following the birth of our first child. He has a very large family so it's not just his parents.

I'd rather wait a week or so, whilst I recover a bit from c-sec, and whilst we adjust to our new life, before everyone starts trooping in. I'd like to set the expectation, by telling people we will let them know when we are ready for visitors (so they don't just turn up).

He says I'm being unreasonable/rude/cruel. Am I??

We waited two weeks before inviting anybody and I'm so glad we did. We wanted to enjoy getting used to being a family and not have the pressure of visitors. It was lovely bonding time, just the three of us. Next time I'd probably wait even longer. There's no rush. Do what is right for you and don't feel pressured. I'd advise telling people you're not making any plans until after your baby arrives and then see what you feel like doing.

DD was born via EMCS just after midnight, and my parents / stepparents, PILs, siblings and DH’s best friend all visited in hospital the next day. Got home the following day and we were left in peace, then visiting started again the next morning. Friends / family who weren’t quite as close I put off until the following week. I found everyone was sensible and didn’t outstay their welcome.

Ultimately it’s up to you but you won’t really know how you’ll feel so I wouldn’t write off early visitors completely. Personally I found it easier in the first few days before sleep deprivation kicked in and while the house was still vaguely organised from my nesting, and we all still had clean clothes. I wasn’t up to doing much after the CS anyway other than sit and drink tea (while virtually constantly feeding DD) so it was nice to have company. DH did all the running round!

With my older 3 I had straight forward births and I felt OK so had visitors the next day with dc1 and dc3 who were born at night and a couple of hours after birth with dc2 who was born at lunchtime.

Dc 4 and dc5 were section births and premature. I just had dh and the older dc's to visit until we were out of hospital (4 weeks for dc4 and 10 days for dc5). Most people respected that apart from one distant relative of dh who sneaked in to visit dc4 in nicu.

My first dc was born early hours of the morning so it was the next day, around dinner time, just my parents, then in laws after work. My second dc was born around midday so my parents, sister and dc 1 came to visit in the delivery room around 2 hours after and in laws after work again. To be honest I would have been gutted if they hadn't all come, but everyone is different. Just make sure you have a good chat with your oh before hand and tell him how you really feel, then make sure all that is filtered down to everyone. Ask staff to say your not up to visitors or put a note on the door if you have a room to yourself.

This "we want to be our own wittle famileeee for at least a month before wicked nasty people come into our bubble" is so wanky.

I want to see the baby while it's still cute and brand new. Don't worry, I won't darken your doorstep again once it's snottery and wailing all hours!

Isn’t it funny that no one insists on “ their rights “ to visit a man who has just had his appendix out

Not really. I don't usually buy cute outfits for removed appendix and want to take pics of them wearing same.

With the last one it was within about half an hour of giving birth. Literally got bed wheeled back to room from birthing suite and a visitor was waiting! Other times within a few hours. Enough time to brush my hair and put some lipstick on.

YANBU

With DC1 - my best mate was already with us on arrival, my family came on day 2
Didn't see anyone else for 2 weeks

DC2 & 3 - no idea, my parents were here for DC1 and then my sibling came over

DC4 - whole posse of DH's family were here, but we were stuck in the hospital for a week. Kids and my parents visited us in hospital but everyone else had to wait

I want to see the baby while it's still cute and brand new.
why on earth do you feel you have any right to be so entitled? It's not your baby, the mother needs some rest, she is allowed to decide when she is ready for visitors, have you got no social manners at all?

With my first, immediately. Immediate family showed up three minutes after we got home (9 hours after she was born) and then it felt like a never ending stream of visitors. Trying to establish bf and get my head around becoming a mum was made incredibly difficult. With dd2 I was much, much stronger. Firstly, I stayed in hospital for a night. I told the midwives and nurses that I wanted no visitors other than dd1 and dh. This was because mil had decided that she HAD to see dd2 on the day she was born and that she 'didn't care' what time that was. We invited immediate family the next day and then told them that we were not accepting visitors again for a whole week. It was blissful. Dh and I spent the days in our Pjs, passing dd2 back and forth. He did the school run and I sat in my little nest, crazy hair and no make up, bfing whilst he bought me food. Do not let your dh cajole you into accepting visitors immediately. Dh did this to me with dd1. The day after she was born I was cajoled into going to a family bbq because 'everyone will want to meet the baby'. I ended up overwhelmed and in a right sorry state. Stick to your guns!

One of my visitors held my eldest DS before I did. Ex-dp let her into NICU to cuddle him before I was conscious from the general anaesthetic. We were in for 5 days so I had visitors everyday

I didn’t have any visitors at the hospital because both DC were born in the evening and I was out by lunchtime next day. For my DS I had visitors the day I went home. Everyone (very close family friends who spent most nights round the house) came around and had a Chinese takeway to celebrate. With My DD however My uncles who live down the road came the same day as one picked me up but others didn’t come around for a few days as everyone else lives in london and needed planning to come. I didn’t mind I had adrenaline rush mixed with tiredness and post baby bliss so wasn’t really paying much attention.

"I want" is not the same as "I am entitled to" or "I think I am entitled to".
I'm just stating my preference, as a prospective visitor.

FWIW, in my family, we tend to visit the baby before the placenta has been delivered.

Anyhoo, I'm not generally interested in seeing the mother, just the baby. She can rest all she wants.

Honestly I wanted visited. I wanted to show off my lovely boys to the people who would love them.

But I did stuff like have them come to my bedroom rather than me get dressed.

However what’s right for me isn’t right for you.

Until you've had a baby you can't know how you'll feel. It's not about a wanky little bubble as pp put it. It's about feeling like shit and bleeding from your various orifices and having piles and hormones and wanting to cry. I was visited in the delivery room by three people plus ex immediately after I gave birth with my blood all over the room because I had a big bleed out and lost lots of blood. Being all polite i didn't send them out but drank sip of champagne which made me feel sick and lay there in despair having been in Labour for three days. Now I recognise this was very unfair to my baby as well as me because the baby needed quiet recovery time alone with us. Second baby was different story. Your husband is being cruel and rude not you. Sounds as dickish as mine which is why I am now free and divorcing.

In hospital several hours after both c sections and then trooping in and out of the house once we were home. I really welcomed all the help I could get, the cooked meals, cups of tea and of course showing off my precious bundles.

When I had DS, my parents, sisters and DP's mum, sister and grandma were waiting outside the door to come in and see him. Literally a few minutes after giving birth, I hadn't even been stitched up (third degree tear) and they all came bounding in. The nurse threw a blanket over my legs akimbo and to cover all the blood...

It didn't even occur to me to have it any other way but looking back I was scared and overwhelmed and felt I had no choice but to welcome visitors excited to see the new family member. Next time (TTC #2) I'll have no visitors for a few days.

IL's came as soon as they heard Ds had been born by C section ( some hours not days) I was still a little bit "out of it" and lovely nurse eventually asked if I would like them to be invited to leave. It was OK .( thought she did say "one at a time" so DH then took his parents to the coffee machine one at a time ) Then years later my MIL said " we probably shouldn't have come so soon should we " I said well - it's all worked out fine - but they were excited and overjoyed at having a grandson. It never spoilt my relationship with my son or parents in law. I don't get this you need a week etc for bonding. ( Rubbish parents or in laws excepting. ) Most normal people are just so happy and excited with a new member of the family. It is a joy to see.

First DD had her at some ungodly hour of the morning and had visitors that night at 6 then she went to special care at 32 hours old and we had no visitors for a week till we were home.

Second DD again at silly o'clock in the morning - crash section - have absolutly no idea when visitors arrived as was out of it with all the drugs they gave me.

DS was a very civilized am cs, apart from peeing all over the doctor as she held him up for me to see - and we had visitors - my mum and DD's - about lunchtime as she came laden with snacks and I was about ready to eat a scabby donkey.

Most of my family waited till we were home except for middle child but that was my parents and I think it was more the crash section that they were concerned about altho MIL did visit at some point but I have no recollection of much of that birth other than feeling my blood pressure bottom out which was weird and hearing alarms go off.

In all seriousness though, if I ever had a baby of my own, one of the most special things I can imagine it passing it to my parents and introducing them to their grandchild. I can't see me wanting to put that off for hours never mind days.

This is one of the times when I reckon MN is really different to real life. Anyone I know who declined visitors for days on end - well, people would assume there was something seriously wrong with the mother or baby health-wise.

Grandparents that evening at the hospital. Had DD 10.24 in the morning so it gave me afew hours with just be with DD and DH. After that mainly immediate family in the initial week then two weeks others. I don't think your being selfish I had a fairly normal birth and found it hard. I didn't like the fact people just turned up as I was very emotional and trying to establish breastfeeding. I didn't mind the hospital visit I just wanted to be left alone when I got home to settle in to be fair.

First child it was next day as I didn't get down from recovery post-EMCS until after visiting time.

DC2, I didn't have visitors in hospital as my MiL had DD and by the time I was down from recovery the timings didn't work for visitors that day around her dinner time. And I was let out the next day, so saw people when I got back / the next day at home.

We let our parents know that we might want a few days before inviting anybody to visit. But I felt better than I'd expected and so ended up having grandparents over the day after we got home, and other friends when DD was about a week old.

I had immediate family in the hospital, and extended family at home during the fortnight after the birth (large family, lots of people to fit in!). It can feel overwhelming but I think it's just one of those things you have to get on with really, certainly with close family. My advice is to 'cover off' as many as possible actually at hospital, as you don't need to host in the same way, and the visiting hours restrict times and how long anyone can stay!