To ask when you first had visitors following childbirth

[Blythwind]

My DH is planning on allowing/encouraging friends and family to visit as soon as we are back (or even whilst I am still in) hospital following the birth of our first child. He has a very large family so it's not just his parents.

I'd rather wait a week or so, whilst I recover a bit from c-sec, and whilst we adjust to our new life, before everyone starts trooping in. I'd like to set the expectation, by telling people we will let them know when we are ready for visitors (so they don't just turn up).

He says I'm being unreasonable/rude/cruel. Am I??

We had PILs visit while I was in hospital for DD1. This worked really well for us, as both my DF and PILs lived over 3 hours away, so visiting meant they would want to stay for at least one night. I knew I was unlikely to fancy the idea of the newborn/houseguests combo, so said to DH that PILs were welcome to come and stay while I was in hospital (and he could entertain, feed and water them ). My DF came after a few weeks, and that suited him and us fine. He enjoyed showing the pictures we sent him to his friends, and reporting on DD1's progress in the meantime.

Good luck OP - I don't think it's at all unreasonable/rude/cruel to let relatives know when they will be welcome to visit and why that works best for you as a new family.

A few weeks after at least, it was heaven. I was left to recover in our little bubble.

A couple hours after birth first time. I loved seeing everyone and showing off. A day later with the second as I was very unwell and needed to rest.

Either way I loved visitors and tbh it's easier in hospital than at home! People know you won't be making tea and the visiting hours keep things sensible

With DC1, I came out of hospital Friday, in-laws were round within the hour of us being home and then proceeded to host a huge family and neighbours BBQ on the Saturday with DC1 the guest of honour (without our consent). We were waiting for the health visitor's first visit and had constant calls from MIL to say everyone was waiting for us, hurry up, people had to leave etc. Found it very upsetting, we popped in for half an hour and I had to run off and hide as there were over 30 people chasing me to hold the baby!

After a couple of days though I quite liked people popping in for an hour and if anyone overstayed their welcome I would disappear upstairs to breastfeed and leave DH in charge.

From bitter experience 11 years on personally I'd ask everyone to hang on a week before visiting. You have no idea how you'll feel, and you're the only person that matters tbh. The baby won't care and none of the others are the ones giving birth.

Within a few hours, I've never seen the point of keeping people away when they want to visit.

A friend did the whole wait thing and then wondered why nobody bothered after that and couldn't see they were upset at being excluded until she deemed them worthy of meeting the baby.

Everyone is different. You need to be comfortable though, particularly as you will be having major surgery. I had a complicated labour (no c-section but basically everything else) and was in hospital for 4 days. I was a mess, my baby didn’t feed and I just couldn’t cope. We had our first visitors a couple of days after I was discharged and my husband had to get them to leave as a was an emotional wreck and I couldn’t cope. I was finding feeding very tough and while my visitors were here I didn’t want to be sat with my boobs out crying at my failure to feed. First half hour was lovely though! I just couldn’t cope with hours and hours.

I didn’t expect to find visitors as hard as I did. I was absolutely fine a week later when we had additional visitors. For some reason my hormones and difficult labour made me very pocessive. I found it very hard to see my baby being cuddled by others. I felt a bit resentful that my husbands paternity leave was taken up with hospital appointments, midwife visits and entertaining others. I just wanted a bit of time for us to be a three.

If I’d have had a smooth labour and wasn’t struggling with feeding I might have been in a better place to see people sooner. Just have a think about what you think you’d like in a best case scenario and one when you’re feeling rubbish.

DS1 was about 6 hours old - they had to wait for visiting hours at hospital.

DS2 I went home the same day and family were there already (in-laws looking after DS1 and my uncle/aunt plus a close friend who came to stay for the weekend although I had warned him I might not be around!)

DD was same day for in-laws and my uncle/aunt too. I didn't have a C-section with any of them but can't imagine that I would have felt differently - I wanted to show them off!

We had both sets of parents, my brother and his partner a couple of hours after the section, my friend the morning after then DPs brothers the day after when we got home (discharged after 24 hours) we then had friends round starting a couple of days after getting home and went out to meet people for dinner etc after about 3-4 days

My brother in law arrived with his 2 toddlers on day 3 and stayed for 6 hours. I had had a traumatic birth and he knew that. I don't know if I'll ever forgive him x

Too soon and they all outstayed their welcome, I could hardly move and was in constant pain, sweating my tits off with my vagina held together with stitches. Both sides of the family in under a week. This was child no.2 and they were told quick visits only 🙄 wait until YOU feel comfortable and if your husband disagrees kick him in the nuts.

[Can you tell I’m harbouring some slight resentment around this issue?]

We waited a week before letting our parents visit. My mum understood, my in laws were pissed of. I had a horrible birth and needed to recover, bond with my baby and spend time as a family. I don’t regret it at all.

10 days with our first and 14 days with our 2nd. It was wonderful! Last thing either of us wanted was to be entertaining and cleaning up after people when we wanted to be bonding with our babies. I think your body and your recovery, you get to choose.

At the hospital . Then a day or two after being at home . I loved having visitors but it was my close family so may be different .

when dd2 was born her teenage siblings came into the delivery room to meet her as soon as we were cleaned up and the drip out(emergency transfer to hosp after planned home birth) They then went home and had the birth pool emptied and the house tidied and dinner on by the time we were discharged and the grandparents arrived.
As you are having a c-section I would suggest you establish yourself in the bedroom to rest with the baby, leaving your partner to entertain visitors who will be allowed a brief peek, ooh, aah, cup of tea present card and gone. With the promise that they will meet baby properly when you are up and about.

As an excited expectant granny I will be hitting the road as soon as dd thinks she's in labour. I would be very disappointed if she and dsil decided they needed the first week to themselves, though of course I would respect their decision. But I'll arrive ready to gauge whether she wants help and support or for me to bugger off and leave them alone.

Gave birth at just before 9am. 1st visitors in hospital at 2pm when visiting started.

Got home at 3pm, 1st visitors at home at 3:30pm.

Within minutes of being through the front door, two sets of in laws that don't get on appeared. They took over my sofas, took my baby, and left me sitting on the floor incredibly vulnerable with my fanny stitched up to my arse crack. They didn't even bother speaking to me.

My advice is only allow people you 100% believe will be considerate, if you want visitors that soon at all.

First baby, both sets of grandparents and my aunt and uncle visited a few hours after birth, left the hospital the following afternoon and we had a quiet evening together with my mum who stayed over, the next day we had people popping in most of the day, all had asked and were told they were welcome, everyone was local and didn't stay long. I loved showing off the baby and was finally feleing great after 9 months of vomiting (hg).
Second baby it was a bit quieter, I had been in hospital on and off for weeks before the birth and poor dd had been passed around the family - we wanted to have some quiet time just the 4 of us home together.

My parents live 6 hours away so I assumed they wouldn’t see DS until a couple of days old. When I was 5 days overdue they asked if I’d like them to come down anyway and stay in a hotel so they could be on hand to help and I said that would be great. I went into labour late at night the night before they were leaving to come, laboured all through their journey and they arrived at the hospital to meet 2 hour old DS, it was amazing, we couldn’t have imagined that would happen! DH’s parents came to the house when we got back the next day. And then other friends and family over the next fortnight, not more than someone every couple of days. I was happy with that though, if you really weren’t happy you shouldn’t be made to do it.

With my first (born afternoon), my dad and brothers came up within a couple of hrs - the midwife let them into the delivery suite for a sneaky quick visit. My younger two were born late night/early hours so family (Mum, dad's, brothers and their girlfriends) came at the first visiting time after that. I loved it because I wanted them
To meet them! Friends came within a week or two of me getting home to see them.

We will probably have people pretty soon when DS2 is born as well. We are probably moving house a couple of weeks beforehand and I need people to look after/entertain DS1 and help me out so I’m encouraging visiting!

I feel for you Rebecca. I've read some of the replies on the thread but, honestly, it is entirely up to you.

Grandparents are one thing, they usually help with jobs, but all sorts of odd relatives and neighbours who come round ostensibly to see you and your baby but end up talking to eachother and stay for hours is dreadful.

You will need some privacy and plenty of sleep so dig your heels in, then judge for yourself when you're ready; when you are, ask your husband and the grandparents to tell people they can drop in but for half an hour only & make sure they stick to that!

Never let any of them compare you to someone else who leaps around immediately after having a baby! We are individuals.

I wish I had been more vigilant and had had more support. Good luck to you.

Unfortunately, some people seem in a rush to be the first to hold a baby like it's a weird competition to be won, but they will disappear when you need help, babysitting or childcare in the many years to come.

No uanbu, I didn’t want visitors when I had my first. My in laws insisted incoming up uninvited the next day so my dh had a word about it with them. The hospital I’m attending with my 2nd pregnancy doesn’t allow extended family visitors and only allows 2 visitors for One evening session lasting 45 mins so that great!!

A friend did the whole wait thing and then wondered why nobody bothered after that and couldn't see they were upset at being excluded until she deemed them worthy of meeting the baby

What an unpleasant comment! Your poor friend knowing someone like you.

Do you really have so little empathy and understanding that you can’t see it’s not about the worthiness or otherwise of the visitor ? It’s about the mums welfare, which has a huge impact on baby’s welfare.

Mums who don’t want to have visitors in the hours after what is a life changing and sometimes traumatic event have the right to say no. Isn’t it funny that no one insists on “ their rights “ to visit a man who has just had his appendix out .