To ask when you first had visitors following childbirth

[Blythwind]

My DH is planning on allowing/encouraging friends and family to visit as soon as we are back (or even whilst I am still in) hospital following the birth of our first child. He has a very large family so it's not just his parents.

I'd rather wait a week or so, whilst I recover a bit from c-sec, and whilst we adjust to our new life, before everyone starts trooping in. I'd like to set the expectation, by telling people we will let them know when we are ready for visitors (so they don't just turn up).

He says I'm being unreasonable/rude/cruel. Am I??

I had ds1 in hospital at 5.14am, the first visiting hours of the day started at 11am and iirc my mum came then.
Ds2 was born at home at 10.45am, my mum was teaching in a school at the end of the road and had come to see him before the cord was cut!
Ds3 was born at home at 8.26am, but we were transferred to hospital a couple of hours later. My brother visited us there about 6.30pm that day.

I never minded early visitors, who are very close to me anyway. I really minded people who visited a week or two later and expected to sit holding the baby whilst cups of tea were made for them and made comments about the state of the house.

I felt like shit after all my births, both CS and vaginal deliveries. I find the first week exhausting, with long frequent feeds and having to change pads every hour because of heavy bleeding and then wash and dry stitches each time.

By the time you do this , change baby, take your pain killers, make a sandwich and cup of coffee, load the dishwasher or washing machine , then it’s almost time to start all over again.

I’m very envious of you who were desperate to sit prettily on the sofa and be admired by everyone. All I wanted was some privacy to poo In peace and get some sleep. You are obviously nicer people than me.

So I’d say YANBU OP. Your body, your choice.

I think depending on how close you are with your parents, it would be fair to see your parents/in-laws and any of your siblings/ siblings in law after 24 hours.

But make it clear a 30 min-1 hour visit tops.

More distant family and friends can certainly wait a week.

I had said no visitors in the hospital which my dad didn't like, and asked if there was a waiting room he could sit in while I had the baby. I wanted to be in hospital for as little time as possible after the birth and planned to let people know when we were home and ready for visitors. In the end I had an emergency c section so had family visit us on the ward. I was only in for one night but it was really good to see them actually.

Do what makes you comfortable, and talk to your dh about what you need. You're not being rude...you will have just had surgery! If you do have visitors don't run around after them making them cups of tea etc., let them look after you while you rest with your baby.

I think your DH should respect your wishes whatever you decide. I had traumatic labour/birth and DS was in SCBU for first few days and I felt terrible. When we came home, I didn't want to see anyone. People should respect your wishes.

My parents came the day both DC were born, I couldn't wait to see them and have them meet their new grandchild. IL's came on day 5 for DC1 due to practical reasons for them, and on the day after DC2 was born.

It does depend on how you feel I suppose but also, as long as you know their not nightmares, can't they meet a new grandchild for 10 minutes soon?

We didn't tell anyone I was going in to have DS (was induced 24 hours after waters breaking at 38 weeks)

DM came in to hospital the day after

Others we staggered so we only had one set of visitors each day and we told them before they came that they'd need to make their own drinks etc. They were all really understanding and didn't stay long.

DHs family don't live in this country. Which is actually a shame as I prefer them to mine! We went to visit them when DS was 9 weeks.

I had a emcs with my twins. My mum was allowed in recovery to see me an hour after they were born. My dsis, bil and mil visited the next day (babies spent 2 weeks in scbu). A close friend visited us in scbu on day 8. Then we had a steady stream of visitors once we were home on day 15.

Ask him if he'd want visitors straight after having a major operation!

DD1 born in hospital at 2am. Went home 11am. MIL and FIL arrived on train from 300 miles away at 6pm, stayed a week to do the cooking and look after me. Much appreciated! Friends dropped in the same day too, but only briefly and because they were off on holiday abroad the next morning. DD2 arrived at Xmas, so PIL's were staying anyway from pre birth.
It's entirely up to you, OP - if you're having a CS, you will need to take things gently, no lifting etc, so any visitors should be roped in to do chores, not just hog the baby and tire you out!

Visited in the delivery suite about 2 hours later by the grandparents after DC1, which was fine. Other family aren't close and friends aren't pushy.

Grandparents were busy looking after DC1 when I had DC2 so we saw them the next day after discharge. Other people visited after a few more days but tbh I've been fine after both my births and don't feel I need privacy to breastfeed - I'm comfortable telling people who come around to get their own tea and biscuits and nobody bogarts the baby.

Youre not being unreasonable as its you going through it but it sounds like he isnt going to listen to you so I would make sure he does all the work - cooking, cleaning, making tea for his visitors. If you breast feed you will need quiet time away quite frequently so don't feel that you can't take yourself off to your bedroom.

One of my friends did exactly this - stayed in bed, relaxed, and let her husband do the work of entertaining. I thought it was very sensible.

DS was born at around 10am and my parents and sister visited the hospital that evening. PILs and SIL would have been welcome too but they were away until the following day, so they visited us once we'd arrived home the day after birth. This was all fine.

PIL and SIL however then proceeded to come by almost every day in the first two weeks, wanting cuddles and making me feel really uncomfortable when I was trying to breastfeed as they were clearly uncomfortable and looking away obviously! There was also no offer of cups of tea etc so DH and I were running round making cups of tea and coffee (me a few days after giving birth!). I still haven't quite forgiven them and we'll both make sure it'll be very different if we were to have a second baby.

If you're adamant you don't want visitors for a week or so, then put your foot down, as it can really affect how you feel towards these people long term, plus feeding and your bond with the baby.

I'd feel inclined to tell people they're welcome to visit IF they make their own tea and run the hoover/put some laundry on/ generally make themselves useful. That should sort the sheep from the goats!

stayed in bed, relaxed, and let her husband do the work of entertaining.

It's so personal, there's nothing I would hate more than people coming to my bedroom whist I am in my bed, and no way would I left my baby out of my sight. Such an invasion of privacy, that's why I prefer hospitals

I don't understand why people are so desperate to see a newborn anyway, that weird competition to be the first to hold him. Why can't they leave the parents in peace and follow their clue if they want visitors or not.

With my first baby (c-sec) I had our mums come to visit first once I was out of recovery and had a wash/change of clothes. So maybe 3 hours later?
Then everyone followed from then, all 3 days were busy with visitors and then continued into the first week at home. I didn’t mind so much at the time, I was relatively young and the adrenaline was pumping. I soon came crashing down a few weeks later, I didn’t test enough.
With my 2nd (c-sec) I had our mother’s visit when I was back on the ward but everyone else waited until I was settled back home. So probably from the end of the first week into the second. Much more relaxed and I was able to rest properly.
I don’t know what is so cruel/rude or unreasonable to request some time to rest after birthing a baby! It is perfectly normal!
No one will be majorly offended by having to wait a week. Any woman would surely understand and any man that doesn’t can give his opinion when they have also birthed children.

I just had my first baby 15wks ago and the threads on here about not allowing visitors and going into hiding for a week had me up a height, I genuinely don’t know anyone in RL who overthought it to this extent.
In the end, DS was born at 1am, my parents came to the 3pm visiting and DP’s parents and my best friend came on the evening. It was 2hrs total due to strict visiting times and was absolutely lovely.
It broke up the day a bit and it was so moving to see how much everyone loved him instantly.

My FIL was waiting in his car outside our house when we pulled up from the hospital. Didn’t even give us a chance to get settled!! He followed us in the house!

I had 7 visitors 2 1/2 hours after caesarean. I loved having visitors. I was in 7 days and had lots of visitors every day. Then more when I got home.

We had visitors about 12 hours after I gave birth.

Anticipating another few days in hospital again so there will be no visitors (except DH and DS) for 2/3 days this time. No way, no how!

I genuinely don’t know anyone in RL who overthought it to this extent.

I had friends in tears about having their in-laws visiting to "cuddle the baby" when they just wanted to be left alone, catch up on some sleep, rest their stitches and bleed in peace and were desperate for privacy.
My own personal choice is visit me in hospital, or stay away for a month until I invite you myself. Some people you are happy to see because you and your house can look a mess, others are an absolute nightmare.

You're the one recovering and getting to grips with feeding etc therefore it's your way, not his. We did the next day but if we had any more I'd have no visitors at all for the first week.

My brother came to the hospital and my parents were waiting outside our house when we got home the next morning. (they had travelled 350 miles).

I had asked them to give us a few days but they turned up anyway. I didn’t say anything and to be honest they were actually a great help. My in laws arrived from overseas after two weeks and stayed with us for a month - that was tough as my hormones seemed to have gotten worse by that point!

We'll be allowing grandparents to come straight away, as long as everything is fine with myself and baby. Even if that's to the hospital. She's a long awaited grandchild and I'd hate for them to not be able to meet her as soon as she's in the world - plus they all live a long drive away (mum is 6+ hours!).

Then brothers & sisters can come once we're home and everyone else after a few days of 'settling'.

Of course, absolutely no one knows what the situation will be after birth so you can only go with what you want in your best case scenario.