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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask when you first had visitors following childbirth

259 replies

Blythwind · 28/03/2018 14:54

My DH is planning on allowing/encouraging friends and family to visit as soon as we are back (or even whilst I am still in) hospital following the birth of our first child. He has a very large family so it's not just his parents.

I'd rather wait a week or so, whilst I recover a bit from c-sec, and whilst we adjust to our new life, before everyone starts trooping in. I'd like to set the expectation, by telling people we will let them know when we are ready for visitors (so they don't just turn up).

He says I'm being unreasonable/rude/cruel. Am I??

OP posts:
Checklist · 28/03/2018 20:53

Same day as birth in hospital of DS1, and later twin DDs.

Visited DS1 and gf on Monday afternoon (with their permission) after birth of DGD at 4 am. I changed three dirty nappies, and rocked baby to sleep twice to let gf have a bit of a rest!

PussCatTheGoldfish · 28/03/2018 20:55

DD1 - born 10am - mum, dad and DBro visited 2pm. It was only for 30 mins.

Mil & bil next day when we got home.
Day after that I called my mum to come and stay for as long as possible!

DD2 born 9am, Mum, Dad and DD1 visited at 2pm. MIL and BIL 2 days later when we got home. Again Mum stayed until I was back on my feet.

I don't have a massive family and honestly it was lovely to see them all. My mum was a godsend too.

Sleeplikeasloth · 28/03/2018 20:59

I didn't think I'd want anyone to visit soon after my elcs, but actually I was desperate for friends and family to pop in straight away.

You won't be tired from labour. My section went well with minimal blood loss etc, so I felt on top of the world.

Keep an open mind as to how you may feel, and go with the flow.

lorelairoryemily · 28/03/2018 21:11

Ds was born by emcs at 8.40pm and our first visitor arrived at 2pm the next afternoon, our entire families came that day and every day til I got home, I was delighted, we were dying to show him off

MrBug · 28/03/2018 21:11

*I want to see the baby while it's still cute and brand new. Don't worry, I won't darken your doorstep again once it's snottery and wailing all hours!
*
It's not all about you!

This is one of the times when I reckon MN is really different to real life. Anyone I know who declined visitors for days on end - well, people would assume there was something seriously wrong with the mother or baby health-wise.

Maybe different to your life, but not everybody is the same. Some people aren't close to their families and find being around them exhausting. Other people are allowed to have different preferences to you, it isn't "wanky".

Forevertired19 · 28/03/2018 21:20

Honestly.. It's up to YOU. not your husband. YOU. You delivered the baby and should have the say because believe me, you'll be tired and it's a big adjustment if it's your first.

With my first, I didn't sleep for almost 37 hours. From the start of labour til I got home.
I hadn't eaten.
I hadn't drank in that time.
The nurses on the ward were vile to me and kept taking my dd from me. Needless to say, I wasn't in the best place. I wanted to go home to dp and bring our daughter home.
But then as soon as she came out of me, we had spam phone calls from his family. They turned up as soon as I got home which I didn't want. I wanted a bath and some sleep and to breastfeed. I couldn't do it.
Then they turned up when she was 3 days old and his nan told me I looked 'awful' 'really tired' and 'really rough' they stayed for 7 hours. Wouldn't give me the privacy to breastfeed. Wouldn't let her sleep, she was passed around like a parcel and it went on til she was two weeks.
By this point as well as his nan threatening to report me if my house wasn't tidy Hmm dp had our dd all the time while I cleaned. I fucking scrubbed at that house because his nan frightened me. I didn't bond with dd. My milk didn't come in properly all because I was too afraid to put my food down. My relationship with dp almost ended. I felt like a bad mom and it got to a point I had pnd and I sat on my living room carpet and sobbed every single night just wanting to be left alone with my family.

I'm due number 2 tomorrow and I'm not announcing his birth for a few days. I'm keeping it private and letting people think I'm overdue. An if they come over they aren't coming in and I'm having a month ban.

It's up to you. Do what you feel comfortable

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 28/03/2018 21:24

You won't be tired from labour. My section went well with minimal blood loss etc, so I felt on top of the world.

good for you, but it doesn't mean it will be the same for every woman.
no one knows how they feel, each birth is different -even if you compare your own babies. Wish people the best, but don't make them feel guilty or like a failure if they don't feel on top of the world.

neonyellowshoes · 28/03/2018 21:25

@ChickenVindaloo2

"I want to see the baby while it's still cute and brand new. Don't worry, I won't darken your doorstep again once it's snottery and wailing all hours!"

That's nice dear. Shame you're irrelevant.

Icklepickle101 · 28/03/2018 21:26

I posted in here loads about banning visitors for the first few days and even kept my planned c section date a secret and told everyone it was a week later. I felt so strongly about it.

10 minutes after we got to recovery I was on the phone to everyone asking how quickly they could get there to meet him, I wanted to show him off to the world and the drugs had kept the pain completely at bay.

With this baby as long as I’ll goes well I’ll want family to come when we are back from recovery and get the initial excitement over and done with to give us days 2-3 to ourselves when I was much more sore and emotional thanks to my milk coming in!

sometimesmisssunshine · 28/03/2018 21:29

No not being unreasonable. I think you need time as a family to bond with the baby, just the three of you.

I don't like the idea of inlaws visiting me in hospital either. I think that I'd tolerate it for immediate family e.g. parents and siblings but other than that, no way. It also depends on how I feel after.

I'd also say no to friends visiting for first week or two and deffo not have anyone stay with us in the first little while.

AlecOrAlonzo · 28/03/2018 21:30

A few hours later with dc 1 and DC 3. With DC 2 I was home the same night so I think next day.

Do what you're comfortable with.

mintich · 28/03/2018 21:31

After 10 days. 5 of those I spent in hospital

Trillis · 28/03/2018 21:32

DS1 - c section in hospital for a week. Visitors a couple at a time were very welcome as it was so boring being stuck in hospital for a week, but at one point there were about 8 people in the room laughing and joking and I had to ask them to quieten down a bit. DS2 - had him in the morning, family came to visit after a couple of hours. Went home later in the day and had a houseful of family/friends that evening. Was nice to see people, but then I went and soaked in the bath for a bit while DH entertained. DD(3) also had her in the morning, family at hospital and as soon as we were home. Parents stayed, and mum was great cuddling baby for ages while I got some sleep. My mum and DHs mum are both helpful types though, and looked after me/baby so it was lovely that they were around, keeping me fed/watered, and cuddling baby so I could sleep.

Strawberry2017 · 28/03/2018 21:32

My parents and his mum and brother came the day she was born, not until we told them they could.
I then didn't let anyone else visit for a few weeks. I decided it was more important for us to get established and settled first.
You have to do what ever is best for you.
Some visitors are helpful, they do things for you and know when to leave. If it's this type of visitor say yes- if they aren't like this then say no until you are ready.
If husband doesn't support this then I recommend going for a nap whenever anyone turns up so you don't have to entertain them.
Good luck x

AvoidingDM · 28/03/2018 21:34

Dc1 was born during the night. All the GP turned and an Auntie turned up at first visiting. Only 1 set of GP actually asked how I was. It was far too many people around my bed and I swore never again. One Auntie was at my house before I was.

Dc2 was born in afternoon. One set of GP came to visit in the evening and brought DC1. Other GPs were too busy to visit the next day! So arrived at the house almost as soon as I did.

There won't be a DC3 but assuming I'd be kept in for a few days. I'd plan one set of GP at first visit, one at second and shoot anybody who darkens my door the day I get home.

Coldilox · 28/03/2018 21:34

My inlaws came after a few hours after my C section. I was happy to see them, just for a few minutes. They only wanted to come in if I was ok with it.
My mum came after about 10 days - she lives a distance away and came to stay with us, I was in hospital for three days and she gave me a bit longer to recover before coming and invading the house. I would have been happy to see her earlier.
Other people, various times. My inlaws came over most days but they were helpful so I didn't mind.

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 28/03/2018 21:36

Forevertired19
what a horrible experience, it's so unfair. I hope your next baby arrival will be a much happier and peaceful experience.

It's horrific that some women nearly need to leave their home to get some privacy and peace and quiet. People are vile and disrespectful.

Bluelady · 28/03/2018 21:37

You're right, Chickenvindaloo, I'd never heard of anyone who wasn't eager to present their baby to the world anywhere other than MN. I couldn't wait for my friends and family to see mine.

Gillian1980 · 28/03/2018 21:38

Had DD at 10am by c-section. Visitors late afternoon.... they were hesitant but I was really keen and encouraged them.

Had more visitors the following day.

Went home on day 3 and had 1 or 2 visitors most days for a week or two. All our family are helpful and didn’t expect to be hosted, they were also very sensitive to whether I was tired etc.

Turnocks34 · 28/03/2018 21:39

In hospital the next day. My parents brought my son up who was staying at their house whilst I gave birth. Then my grandparents, sister, aunt and uncle, brother and pretty much full cast of sound of music came (over a week we were kept in as baby had suspected Rhesus disease). I loved it, I am close to my family though and I don’t think everyone would like this!

Forevertired19 · 28/03/2018 21:41

@ikeepa at the time their dad still wanted the close connection to his family. The reason he is with me now is because I made him move here whilst we were expecting dd. I wanted to be close to my work and my mom. But it was ridiculous. Looking back I can see how much stick he got for it so he just gave it. He was getting hassled and they all came on him like a pack of wolves if he said no. He told them they couldn't come over when we were out of hospital but they still did. I almost want to move now so they don't know my address 😂 its just so rude and selfish of people. They don't think of the mother or baby, just themselves.

farmaparma · 28/03/2018 21:41

While in recovery after a two day labour and emcs Angry they met my baby before I did!!!Angry(Staff in another area of the hospital so snuck in)

SadieHH · 28/03/2018 21:41

After having been awake over 36 hours, one SIL and her boyfriend barged into my hospital room during quiet time and woke me from the first sleep I’d had in two days.

Another SIL and her husband barged into SCBU when I was trying to express for dd1 (having been shouted at by the nurse on duty for not being able to produce anything. I hadn’t been shown how).

I’ve never quite forgiven either SIL. DD1 is now 10!

With DD2 we had visitors that same evening with my permission, her birth was trouble free.

ranoutofquinoa · 28/03/2018 21:43

First baby both sets of parents once I was out of HDU and on a normal ward. My inlaws were very considerate and liaised with my parents so that we weren't overwhelmed and my parents visited first. I think my mil knew that as much as my parents wanted to see the baby they also needed to see that I was ok. After than whoever whenever at home.
Second baby, pil and pfb, then my parents and then Home and I would have welcomed everyone and their dog as I felt great and he was an amazing baby!
Personally, I think you need to let people know they can meet the baby as soon as you feel able to, and they need to respect that.

ChocolateChipMuffin2016 · 28/03/2018 21:44

My mum and brother turned up, uninvited, 3 hours after I’d had DS. Before I’d had a chance to shower or take off the blood stained hospital gown off. That wasn’t ideal however I was happy to show off my baby off pretty quickly, would have liked a shower first though!