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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for help. I've got an email telling me DH has cheated

362 replies

ItsADilemma12345 · 26/03/2018 21:58

Posting here for traffic really. I got an email basically saying DH has cheated on me with a colleague from work. Nothing very specific in the email, it names the person he is supposed to have cheated on me with, and says it was at a work conference (he goes away every couple of months for work at weekends.). It also says it is meant to have happened before. The email was not from the person he is meant to have cheated on me with.

I haven't replied yet.

DH is not friends on FB with this person (unless she has blocked me, in which case I won't be able to check). I have searched FB for the email address I got the message from, but there's no account linked to it. Which suggests the person is using a different email from their regular email address.

DH is away working until Saturday so I wondered what you would do?

I think there are 3 possible explanations:
1 - he has cheated on me
2 - other woman has told people he has cheated on me with her
3 - someone is lying to me for their own reasons.

I am not sure why anyone would email this if they didn't think it was true? I have never thought he has cheated on me. He and the 'other woman' were away together a while ago, he told me she said some inappropriate things before they went (along the lines of "oooh, weekend away") which gave me the impression she was keen on him. He also told me she kept trying to tag along with him when he was doing things in the evening on his own, and he had to try and completely ignore her to give her the hint that he wanted to be left alone. However I have only heard this from his side of the story.

There was a work function a couple of years ago. I noticed this woman did not even acknowledge me, and DH got quite drunk and kept going over to where she was dancing (leaving me on my own with people I had just met that day). (I realise this sounds a bit like Love Actually, I promise it is true and not based on that film)

Also colleague has now left for another job so as far as I know they haven't been in touch. Also, for info, colleague is about 10 yrs younger, quite attractive.

To be clear, if it turns out he has cheated he is fully aware that our relationship would be over. So there is absolutely no way he will be honest with me if he has. I know he wants our relationship to continue.

We have 2 daughters aged 9 and 5.

Just wondered if anyone has been in this position - got a random email accusing their partner of cheating. What happened?

And what would you do in my position? Would you reply to the email? Not sure what I should say? or just confront DH when he gets home?

In my gut I don't think he has but I could just be being naïve.

OP posts:
hungryhippo90 · 26/03/2018 22:08

Reply to the email, ask how they know for certain?
It's probably her with a new email address.
Sounds weird if he was drunk and transfixed on being close to her when you were there. Makes me wonder his actions if you weren't about like when they went on their conference.

I don't think it sounds good OP.

tissuesosoft · 26/03/2018 22:11

I would also email back asking for specifics or something that could confirm they’ve slept together- a birthmark in a place you’d only see if they were naked, screenshots of texts etc

thegreatbeyond · 26/03/2018 22:11

I'm afraid I have been in this situation, business trips and all, and it was true.

I know this because I went through his phone in the bathroom and the evidence was there.

outofmydepth45 · 26/03/2018 22:11

There will be someone very wise along soon I am sure.

Consider asking how they know ?

Could you check his phone/emails at some point?

sonjadog · 26/03/2018 22:15

It doesn't sound far-fetched that it could be true, sadly. Is there any way you could try to verify it? Do you have access to email/phone?

Bluntness100 · 26/03/2018 22:15

I guess I'd do the same, I'd email back and say how do you know and can you prove it. See what they come back with.

I'd probably be more inclined to think it's true based on what you've posted. Sorry.

Screaminginsideme · 26/03/2018 22:16

Can you open his Facebook?
Do some snooping.

Screaminginsideme · 26/03/2018 22:16

Sorry you are in this position

DragonMamma · 26/03/2018 22:16

What a shock! How did they get your email address?

I’d be asking for more details or proof before confronting DH. To try and verify whether it’s true or in the worst case scenario, to have more evidence to present DH with so they didn’t try to squirm out of it.

CanIBuffalo · 26/03/2018 22:16

There's a chance it could be the woman herself emailing to stir up trouble or it could be genuine from someone letting you know. Or a weirdo. The last is the least likely IMO.
Say nothing to your husband and ask them for details.

bananamonkey · 26/03/2018 22:17

How did they get your email address? Sorry you’re in this situation x

Original poster
ItsADilemma12345 · 26/03/2018 22:17

He always has his phone on him, because he constantly listens to music or sport or something . I will try and have a look at it before I confront him.

Thanks for your replies and reading through my massive message! I was really aware of not drip feeding. I might try and find some evidence over the days when he is back home.

Obviously the opportunity is there for him to have done it. I just am not sure he would have. But then I just don't know why anyone would send a message to someone's wife if it was untrue, knowing they have a family and could potentially split it up.

I appreciate your messages and welcome any more advice :)

OP posts:
Mightymucks · 26/03/2018 22:18

It could be a blackmail scam.

Bluntness100 · 26/03/2018 22:18

The odds of someone making this up to cause him trouble and naming the other woman, are probably very very low in comparison to the,odds of him having cheated.

Maybe it is her and she thinks you should know.

TimesNewRoman · 26/03/2018 22:19

Sorry you are in this position. I really hope it's someone making false allegations for whatever reason.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 26/03/2018 22:19

I'm afraid to say the simplest explanation is usually correct.

sonjadog · 26/03/2018 22:20

I go to conferences a lot with my job. In my experience, people getting together for the night is really common. Also people who in our daily working lives I would never have imagined would do anything like that ever.

FellOutOfBed2wice · 26/03/2018 22:20

I had a friend this happened to and the email was from the OW from a different address. I would email back asking for proof.

thegreatbeyond · 26/03/2018 22:20

My advice is to stay very quiet until you HAVE looked through his stuff.

I found all sorts. With the heads up, they will hide it and they will lie.

PinkAvocado · 26/03/2018 22:20

I would want more than that to start seriously doubting my husband. I agree with pps-ask for more info.

Original poster
ItsADilemma12345 · 26/03/2018 22:20

They have got my email address because I have a website which is linked to my FB account, so I am pretty sure they have got it from there.

I appreciate your thoughts everyone. I will respond to any more messages and will update with anything I find out x

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 26/03/2018 22:21

How awful OP. I hope it’s just a terrible joke.

Can you ask the sender for more info?

When you confront DH you need to do it face to face - so you can try read his expression, not let him hide behind texts etc.

Mightymucks · 26/03/2018 22:22

The odds of someone making this up to cause him trouble and naming the other woman, are probably very very low in comparison to the,odds of him having cheated.

I don’t think that’s necessarily true. Poison pen type missives are quite common. Some people are nasty. And they jump to conclusions.

Puffycat · 26/03/2018 22:22

I really feel you’ve got to get this out there and talk about it.
Show him the email and ask him what he’s got to say about it.
You say he won’t be honest cos he knows it will be over if he’s strayed, but if you don’t confront it and he is actually doing it he’ll think he’s getting away with it.
Email could be from the other woman’s other half?
I appreciate you are in a really tricky situation, 2 young kids etc but you owe it to yourself and them to face this head on.
Unless, of course, you are quite happy to keep quiet as long as your home life boat is not being rocked.
Where is the trust?

AllisLost · 26/03/2018 22:22

You need to know who sent it. Ask to meet her and talk face to face. That will tell you a lot.
None of this is easy though. It could just be malicious and untrue - the revenge of a rejected woman - or it could be true. So sorry OP this is horrible