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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for help. I've got an email telling me DH has cheated

362 replies

ItsADilemma12345 · 26/03/2018 21:58

Posting here for traffic really. I got an email basically saying DH has cheated on me with a colleague from work. Nothing very specific in the email, it names the person he is supposed to have cheated on me with, and says it was at a work conference (he goes away every couple of months for work at weekends.). It also says it is meant to have happened before. The email was not from the person he is meant to have cheated on me with.

I haven't replied yet.

DH is not friends on FB with this person (unless she has blocked me, in which case I won't be able to check). I have searched FB for the email address I got the message from, but there's no account linked to it. Which suggests the person is using a different email from their regular email address.

DH is away working until Saturday so I wondered what you would do?

I think there are 3 possible explanations:
1 - he has cheated on me
2 - other woman has told people he has cheated on me with her
3 - someone is lying to me for their own reasons.

I am not sure why anyone would email this if they didn't think it was true? I have never thought he has cheated on me. He and the 'other woman' were away together a while ago, he told me she said some inappropriate things before they went (along the lines of "oooh, weekend away") which gave me the impression she was keen on him. He also told me she kept trying to tag along with him when he was doing things in the evening on his own, and he had to try and completely ignore her to give her the hint that he wanted to be left alone. However I have only heard this from his side of the story.

There was a work function a couple of years ago. I noticed this woman did not even acknowledge me, and DH got quite drunk and kept going over to where she was dancing (leaving me on my own with people I had just met that day). (I realise this sounds a bit like Love Actually, I promise it is true and not based on that film)

Also colleague has now left for another job so as far as I know they haven't been in touch. Also, for info, colleague is about 10 yrs younger, quite attractive.

To be clear, if it turns out he has cheated he is fully aware that our relationship would be over. So there is absolutely no way he will be honest with me if he has. I know he wants our relationship to continue.

We have 2 daughters aged 9 and 5.

Just wondered if anyone has been in this position - got a random email accusing their partner of cheating. What happened?

And what would you do in my position? Would you reply to the email? Not sure what I should say? or just confront DH when he gets home?

In my gut I don't think he has but I could just be being naïve.

OP posts:
Pollaidh · 26/03/2018 22:39

It's not always as bad as it appears. A male friend was on a train and some woman started chatting him up. He politely rebuffed her as he had a girlfriend, but they'd exchanged names and a tiny bit of info to show where he worked, earlier in the conversation.

She found him on FB, tried to blackmail him, then found his girlfriend, and then bombarded her with messages that he was cheating on her with him. Luckily for all, there'd been an independent witness on that train journey, and this mad woman hadn't realised they were travelling together.

Original poster
ItsADilemma12345 · 26/03/2018 22:39

DairyIsClosed he is a 'fun' type , he likes a drink when he's out. I guess I noticed his behaviour at the function because I was driving. But he actually has quite a low opinion of his physical appearance so i could understand how, if he felt flattered etc and was drunk, it could have happened.
ReinettePompadour that sounds horrific. was the other man hoping he would break up your relationship so he could swoop in??
Sorry to all who have also been through this too and found out their partners were cheats :(
Thanks everyone for your responses, I am going to bed now but will catch up tomorrow evening
I'm definitely not going to confront him until he is home and I have had a chance to do some digging

OP posts:
DairyisClosed · 26/03/2018 22:39

@Yolandis are you sure that you haven't missed them. I know lots of women who insists that the affair came out of nowhere while everyone else knew it was just a question of when.

Littlechocola · 26/03/2018 22:40

I wouldn’t reply or say anything to him. I would wait and see what they do next.
Did they give a reason for telling you?

19lottie82 · 26/03/2018 22:40

Ask to borrow his phone for some reason or another (mines flat can I use yours to phone my mum?). If he doesn’t hand it over willingly then that’s a huge red flag.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 26/03/2018 22:40

I'd like to say give him a chance to explain himself, but as soon as she does, if he is cheating he will bury all evidence. Sadly, if you have doubts, you have to investigate before you ask him.

JaneEyre70 · 26/03/2018 22:41

I'd email back saying something along the lines of what proof do they have. If they can't offer any, I'd be a bit sceptical tbh. But do get a look at his phone, or can you check his account online for frequently rung numbers/texts etc. I do appreciate a lot of people use whatsapp or messenger, but it's worth a look. This must feel awful for you Flowers

Bluntness100 · 26/03/2018 22:42

It's the fact he had mentionitis, making out this younger attractive woman was after him, and he was rejecting her, but when you witnessed them together it was the opposite. He kept going over to her. And worse, dumping you to do so.

And now this.

But again, your attitude is cold. So either something wrong in thr marriage, or you didn't mention it then and you're not going to mention it now.

YolandasFridge · 26/03/2018 22:42

Dairy I've been with him for 20 years so think I know him fairly well Wink

There's no one type of person who cheats just as there's no one type that gets cheated on

retirednow · 26/03/2018 22:43

How did they get your email address. I didn't get an email but an anon phone call which I knew was true. Wait till he gets home and show him the email.is there another way you can trace the email address other than on f.b.

Rudi44 · 26/03/2018 22:46

Jeez to people saying OP is cold. She has just had a huge shock, is bracing herself for the potential end of her relationship and has to carry on as usual until partner is home and she can investigate more.
It doesn't make her some how to blame for any of this just because she isn't acting in a way some strangers in the internet decide is usual for this type of situation.

Original poster
ItsADilemma12345 · 26/03/2018 22:47

For those saying I am cold for saying I would have no issue with splitting up with him, if he has cheated on me and humiliated me and put our family at risk by behaving like that, then yes I would split up with him. I am certainly not going to 'bury it' because it's easier not to have to deal with it. If he had been honest with me if/when it happened we might have been able to work it out. If other people are happy to try and work things out after this type of thing has happened then I applaud them, but unfortunately I wouldn't be able to forgive him.
LittleChocola No there was no reason, more of a 'I noticed you and your Hubby are still together after what happened at X conference'.
Also the conferences are certainly real for the poster who asked upthread.
Definitely going to bed now!

OP posts:
Mydoghatesthebath · 26/03/2018 22:47

You should show him the email and see what he says.

Of course you shouldn’t dig or reply or look to check his phone! Ffs you start that and your marriage is on a rocky road for no evidential proof.

See what he says when he’s home.

What a vile thing to do to you sending an anonymous email. Totally vile person. Flowers

Original poster
ItsADilemma12345 · 26/03/2018 22:48

Thanks Rudi x

OP posts:
ReinettePompadour · 26/03/2018 22:49

ReinettePompadour that sounds horrific. was the other man hoping he would break up your relationship so he could swoop in

I have no idea, I never got to the bottom of it and the person concerned resigned and moved on not long after. The consequences of that email could have ruined our lives and its taken a long time for my DH to trust me. He occasionally still gets that 'nagging doubt' which he struggles to hide.

I cant believe the actions of 1 selfish nutcase can still affect us years later.

Bluntness100 · 26/03/2018 22:51

Op it's semantics I think. Normally people are devastated, panicked, angry. The thought of their marriage ending, their husband cheating is something they can't be calm about and it comes across in their posts. Your posts are very matter of fact. But we all express ourselves differently. 💐

Ninoo25 · 26/03/2018 22:51

I would keep quiet until you have a way of getting some proof. From what you’ve said IF he did do this he is unlikely to want to split up, so would probably try and lie his way out of it. Possible ways of getting proof:

  • if he has an iPhone and also an iPad the 2 are often linked. A lot of people forget this and if they are trying to cover their tracks might leave something on there
  • try hacking into email first. If you know him well you are likely to know the answer to his security questions. Once that’s done then select that you’ve forgotten your password on Facebook and reset it using the email that you now have access to. He will find out that someone’s done this, but this is common and doesn’t mean it was you. Try and do this of a night time when he’s asleep for easier accessibility to his phone and less chance of getting caught. Check all folders in email account (my OH thought he could save intimate pictures of a woman undetected by saving them in a folder named ‘fantasy football’)
  • Try turning up at his work at his finishing time saying you’ve finished early and thought it would be nice if you went out for tea etc. Don’t tell him you’re doing it, just wait outside for him to come out. If he gets nearly about it just say you thought it would be nice.
  • if you manage access to his phone don’t forget to check all the apps as well
  • hire a professional. This might seem extreme, but if it puts any niggling doubts in your mind to rest or confirms the worst it will be money well spent.

If all else fails confront him, but from experience I’d say you’re much better doing it with evidence under your belt first (especially if it is true as it can be used in divorce proceedings).

Good luck XXX

Panandthegang · 26/03/2018 22:51

I’ve been sooooo close to sending this kind of email to women before.when I’ve knkwn the men have cheated and I’ve so wanted to anonymously tell their wives Sad

Littlechocola · 26/03/2018 22:51

No name or anything though ? No give away from email address?
It’s absolutely shitty op. Hope you manage to get some sleep.

branstonbaby · 26/03/2018 22:54

I don't think you are cold, you have had a shock and are likely to be in self preservation mode.

It doesn't sound good, the mentionitis sounds like him laying foundations, if that makes sense? My first reaction was also that it's the OW stirring it up.

I would ignore the email, (can you pop it in your junk folder?), do the
odd FaceTime like a PP said and then dig when he is home...

Hope you can get some sleep.

GrandTheftWalrus · 26/03/2018 22:56

I had someone send me a message saying they were a 14 yo girl who my then fiance was meeting up with. They sent a mobile number etc that was apparently "her" and messaged all my friends and family on bebo at the time. He had apparently met her while he was away on a course so I knew it was fake.

I then discovered it was my friend who turned out to be a poisonous bitch as she asked for my phone to phone her boyfriend and it was the "girls" number.

However I also got another email when again he was away on a course and again it was a load of bollocks. Saying that he was with her in x place at that exact moment when he was on a video call to me showing me his hotel room etc.

I got a third one that had actual conversations between him and his friend about how he was looking for other women in the area we lived in etc.

3rd one was real but stupid me still went ahead and married him. Happily divorced now for 3.5 years!

Bluntness100 · 26/03/2018 22:58

Pan it's always the same weird dichotomy on here.

On one hand someone posts and it's yes, she's a right to know so tell her. She can then make her decisions on her marriage.
On the other hand she is told and folks go, well that was rather a shitty thing to do.

HughLauriesStubble · 26/03/2018 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ariesgirl1988 · 26/03/2018 23:07

It's kinda hard to call without proof agree with previous posters do some snooping for proof before you confront him. Either he has cheated and she's out to cause trouble hence the anonymous email or its someone who has a grudge against him or u. Either way like i said start looking for evidence I hope it all turns out ok for you and he hasn't cheated.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 26/03/2018 23:08

I’ve been sooooo close to sending this kind of email to women before.when I’ve knkwn the men have cheated and I’ve so wanted to anonymously tell their wives Sad

Me too Sad. The only things stopping me were:
a) the cheat was my (then) DP’s boss and if he’d found out it was from me then my DP could have lost his job. Everyone at work apparently knew, this OW was taken along on business trips etc, he had viagra delivered to the office and opened by the receptionist Grin

and b) a good friend of mine had recently found out her H was having an affair. She’d been sent an anonymous letter with no way of contacting the sender, so had this information but no way of verifying it. Her H managed to talk her round and she ended up stuck with his cheating arse for another year. She said she almost wished she’d never had the note or at least that she’d known who sent it so she could have checked the details.

Every time I drive past the poor boss/wife’s house I debate popping a note under her door, but I know it’s not my place. She has friends at her cheating husband’s workplace who should be telling her up front.

OP I hope it comes to nothing but do be on your guard. The most simple explanation is usually the most likely. I know people have talked about instances of malicious or spoof emails, but his behaviour at the party and his mentioning her/her behaviour seems more like he’s pre-empting this. Sorry Flowers