AIBU to ask for help. I've got an email telling me DH has cheated

[ItsADilemma12345]

Posting here for traffic really. I got an email basically saying DH has cheated on me with a colleague from work. Nothing very specific in the email, it names the person he is supposed to have cheated on me with, and says it was at a work conference (he goes away every couple of months for work at weekends.). It also says it is meant to have happened before. The email was not from the person he is meant to have cheated on me with.

I haven't replied yet.

DH is not friends on FB with this person (unless she has blocked me, in which case I won't be able to check). I have searched FB for the email address I got the message from, but there's no account linked to it. Which suggests the person is using a different email from their regular email address.

DH is away working until Saturday so I wondered what you would do?

I think there are 3 possible explanations:
1 - he has cheated on me
2 - other woman has told people he has cheated on me with her
3 - someone is lying to me for their own reasons.

I am not sure why anyone would email this if they didn't think it was true? I have never thought he has cheated on me. He and the 'other woman' were away together a while ago, he told me she said some inappropriate things before they went (along the lines of "oooh, weekend away") which gave me the impression she was keen on him. He also told me she kept trying to tag along with him when he was doing things in the evening on his own, and he had to try and completely ignore her to give her the hint that he wanted to be left alone. However I have only heard this from his side of the story.

There was a work function a couple of years ago. I noticed this woman did not even acknowledge me, and DH got quite drunk and kept going over to where she was dancing (leaving me on my own with people I had just met that day). (I realise this sounds a bit like Love Actually, I promise it is true and not based on that film)

Also colleague has now left for another job so as far as I know they haven't been in touch. Also, for info, colleague is about 10 yrs younger, quite attractive.

To be clear, if it turns out he has cheated he is fully aware that our relationship would be over. So there is absolutely no way he will be honest with me if he has. I know he wants our relationship to continue.

We have 2 daughters aged 9 and 5.

Just wondered if anyone has been in this position - got a random email accusing their partner of cheating. What happened?

And what would you do in my position? Would you reply to the email? Not sure what I should say? or just confront DH when he gets home?

In my gut I don't think he has but I could just be being naïve.

He and the 'other woman' were away together a while ago, he told me she said some inappropriate things before they went (along the lines of "oooh, weekend away") which gave me the impression she was keen on him. He also told me she kept trying to tag along with him when he was doing things in the evening on his own, and he had to try and completely ignore her to give her the hint that he wanted to be left alone

That sounds like classic arse covering.

I’d have no issue splitting up if I was cheated on. That’s not cold.
Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be devastated.

OP - it’s always best to sleep on these things. It’s a shock.

I wouldn’t reply to the email, as you don’t know the motives behind it.

I’d do some quiet digging.

I would be slightly concerned over him mentioning her, and how she was after him, but he rejected her. This could be true, and someone’s shit stirring. Or he has, and did the mentionitus thing.

My ex did that, when he was cheating. Talked about a woman at work pestering him.

Good luck x

Op just ask him when he gets back.

after

Or shock horror it could be s married man being uncomfortably harassed by a work colleague and sharing that with his wife.

But obviously that’s now arse covering

Op tred carefully. All those telling you to dig for proof, check his phone etc would be the same ones outraged if a man posted what you did and call you controlling and unreasonable.

There could be nothing here or he could have cheated but ffs at least ask him first.

Could you do a reverse email search or something?

Mydoghatesthebath

Yes I would call that controlling from a man or a woman if there was no reason for it, but given everything the OP has mentioned I wouldn’t think it would be unreasonable for either sex to snoop.

i would have said maybe a jealous woman but th fact he said this woman is all over him and he avoids her then was the complete opposite at a function would ring alarm bells for me

dont say anything to him yet if its true he'll just worm his way out

I'm sorry you're in this situation and I think it's wise to think things through before deciding what to do. I don't have much else to say apart from I know an instance when a letter similar to your email was sent to my friend's boyfriend's wife about their affair, so obviously in their case it was sadly true. The wife called him on the phone after reading the letter and he lied his ass off and they are still together. If you confront him do it face to face, being able to read his body language will help you figure out if he is telling you the truth. Personally I think this is what I would have to do. I'm not sure I'd want to reply to the email. Sleep on it, don't do anything hasty.

Can you afford a private investigator?! I know it sounds flippant, but I would actually seriously consider that as an option.

"Just ask him"

yeah because it's that easy

Anon sources are not always reliable.

If you are being cheated on - it is likely that there would be clues.

So - are you surprised by the news?

Even those trained in deception aren't perfect at it. Keeping secrets 24/7 isn't what we are naturally good at. Had he done any things that are out of character. Has he changed his appearance/behaviour - spending habits - time out without you .

Phones seem to be a dead giveaway. Too much secretive use of them - too much careful keeping of them etc.

I wouldn't trust an anonymous source unless it was simply confirming something my instinct had already picked up -even unconsciously.

Someone could be trying to hurt you - or to hurt him. It does happen.

Ninoo

I do see your point but I still think best just ask him up front. I reakon she will know all she needs to know by his reaction. Very few people are good liars and very few people can mask facts. She can ask him for his phone and his reaction should again tell her.

Op

I think op isn't panicked because she thinks nothing is untoward (yet). And that there might be another explanation.

Had a friends partner (now ex partner) do this to her, pretending to be someone else. He wrote the email as a mystery third person, then exploded and broke up with her for being paranoid and “crazy”. He planted the seed and then just watched it grow and she became paranoid and accusations were flying all over the place... so she looked awful and the breakup was on her.
Anyways, so they broke up and he left, had a Dc together so saw each other still and things settled down... few months later she was on his laptop whilst at his having dinner together with dc and went to sign into gmail, that email was there, password saved... signed in. It was him all along absolutely the weirdest thing. He wanted to break up with her and needed an excuse and for him not to be blamed.

It’s a very small chance this is what’s happening, more likely than not it’s somebody shit stirring or it’s the truth. Or maybe he wants to turn around to his co worker and say “lol my wife thinks we’re having an affair” and see where it goes.

Who knows? The only thing you can do is ask, and then confront him. After snooping tf ofc

yolandas

If it’s not then the marriage is over anyway. Why bother if there’s so little trust. If you feel this way you deserve better

This could possibly be a scam OP, but it sounds like the person behind the email knows a bit too much. If you do reply, make sure you don't give away any personal info.

Hope you manage to sleep.

I'd be hunting for clues and taking this time to think of what you want

Op, why is it that you’re happy to leave the relationship only if it turns out he’s cheated?

It seems to be that you’re less concerned about the end of a relationship than whether he has cheated.

Why is whether he has cheated more important than the quality of your relationship, i.e trust and kindness, support, understanding etc.

Your posts read as though you are quite detached, emotionally, from your DH.

Are you really happy to continue as you are, if it turns out there’s an innocent explanation?

It's quite wrong of this person to send you this e-mail IMHO. Perhaps she is jealous. I am assuming it's a she. But such a lot of this goes on in work situations. Far more than the partners know about. I think I'd say to my DH I had this totally horrible e-mail from x. I'm sure it isn't true but I wonder why they sent this. And see what he has to say for himself.

I am very happy with my DP and our daughter however if he cheated I would have no problems with kicking him out.

Yes it would hurt, yes I'd be devastated that our wee family are breaking up. But I am not putting myself through what my ex husband done to me again.

I wouldn't want my daughter to see that either.

Who knows what motivates some people. Many years ago, a male friend/colleague decided to tell our boss's wife that we'd (boss and I) slept together on a night out. Now, nights out were a regular occurrence and occasionally partners would also be there, so I'd met her. However, I had categorically NOT slept with her husband/my boss!!

This 40 odd year old imbecile of an alcoholic colleague apparently had an issue with our boss at that point, and together with another pissed up colleague thought that this would be a good way of 'shafting' him back. Except it caused ME a lot of trouble in the process, and obviously caused boss and his wife a whole heap of shit. I have no idea whether she eventually believed that we'd not slept together but I was gutted that she might have thought we did - I quite liked her on the odd occasion we'd met.

So, people do do these things just to cause maximum problems for someone for whatever spurious reason.

It doesn't sound great. If you think it's very likely, then don't start with getting proof or tipping him off by talking to him.

Instead, if you are going to break up with him if he's cheated (which is completely reasonable, I don't know why people are accusing you of not caring about him because you won't put up with cheating), is get your house in order, quickly and quietly. Get your own bank account if you're joint, get a decent amount of money in it, (less important if you are lucky enough that your parents, etc. would/could bail you out) get copies of all financial info you can including pensions and any savings accounts in his name, make sure you have all your and your children's important documents. Then start digging/talking, whatever.

I think everyone should have a fuck off fund regardless of how great their relationship is, btw. Unfortunately there are a lot of cheaters in the world, before you even think about thinks like accidents happening.

the advice above is great - easy to say i know - but cool your jets, get thngs in order and try and get a look at his phone - deffo know your finances

Op I would play the situation cool until I knew for sure he had cheated...I would also ask myself what has this person to gain from telling me my husband has cheated (is she hoping you will have a row and kick him out)...

First things first, do you actually know in real life the person who the email is from?..is it another colleague of your husband or could they have used a pseudonym?

Has your husband had a pay rise or promotion recently?...could this person be jealous and be retaliating in this way?

Could this be someone who is jealous of your husband having what they don't (marriage) and be vindictive enough to try and ruin it.?

Could this be the colleague herself? Could she have tried it in with your husband and he told her no he is married and out of anger and embarrassment she has retaliated and sent the email?

If I was you I would not mention it to show when he returns....in the event he is having an affair all it will do is warn him to cover his tracks better...I would keep quiet and try and investigate, see if you can look at his messages and phone...wait until he is in a deep sleep at nighy and take it with you to the bathroom or downstairs and read it (to see if he has any incriminating messages , photos etc to other woman...if he does then screenshot them with your phone so hat if he deletes them you have a copy on your phone as proof to confront him with...but don't confront until you have gathered a bit of evidence...

Can you turn up at his work unexpectedly?...maybe at lunchtime(under the pretended of taking him for a surprise lunch together....but really to see if you get any vibes from the both of them)

The extreme levels of snooping one user suggested would spell the end of the relationship even if i the person snooping wanted to contine as i would be outraged and disgustef at my partner deciding to do that level privacy invasion. As i would lose all respect and feel disgustfor a partner that did not trust me to this level.

It could be a blackmail scam.

That’s not how blackmail works.