AIBU to ask for help. I've got an email telling me DH has cheated

[ItsADilemma12345]

Posting here for traffic really. I got an email basically saying DH has cheated on me with a colleague from work. Nothing very specific in the email, it names the person he is supposed to have cheated on me with, and says it was at a work conference (he goes away every couple of months for work at weekends.). It also says it is meant to have happened before. The email was not from the person he is meant to have cheated on me with.

I haven't replied yet.

DH is not friends on FB with this person (unless she has blocked me, in which case I won't be able to check). I have searched FB for the email address I got the message from, but there's no account linked to it. Which suggests the person is using a different email from their regular email address.

DH is away working until Saturday so I wondered what you would do?

I think there are 3 possible explanations:
1 - he has cheated on me
2 - other woman has told people he has cheated on me with her
3 - someone is lying to me for their own reasons.

I am not sure why anyone would email this if they didn't think it was true? I have never thought he has cheated on me. He and the 'other woman' were away together a while ago, he told me she said some inappropriate things before they went (along the lines of "oooh, weekend away") which gave me the impression she was keen on him. He also told me she kept trying to tag along with him when he was doing things in the evening on his own, and he had to try and completely ignore her to give her the hint that he wanted to be left alone. However I have only heard this from his side of the story.

There was a work function a couple of years ago. I noticed this woman did not even acknowledge me, and DH got quite drunk and kept going over to where she was dancing (leaving me on my own with people I had just met that day). (I realise this sounds a bit like Love Actually, I promise it is true and not based on that film)

Also colleague has now left for another job so as far as I know they haven't been in touch. Also, for info, colleague is about 10 yrs younger, quite attractive.

To be clear, if it turns out he has cheated he is fully aware that our relationship would be over. So there is absolutely no way he will be honest with me if he has. I know he wants our relationship to continue.

We have 2 daughters aged 9 and 5.

Just wondered if anyone has been in this position - got a random email accusing their partner of cheating. What happened?

And what would you do in my position? Would you reply to the email? Not sure what I should say? or just confront DH when he gets home?

In my gut I don't think he has but I could just be being naïve.

All this about 'how terrible not to trust me' etc etc - I trusted for 3 years. If I had looked, then my sexual health and emotional wellbeing would have been a lot safer than it turned out to be.

As for 'just ask him' - why not start a thread and ask how many wives ever got the truth from a cheating man. I guarantee the answers will include the phrases 'He said it was the first time, but...' 'He says he doesn't remember...' and all the other hackneyed lines.

The only way to get the truth is to see it for yourself. It's not pretty. Actually, it's really painful. But it is the only way.

I don't think you sound cold at all. If my husband cheated on me id leave him, too. Try and do some digging, it could be an ex of hers trying to stir things but try and prepare for something more. Maybe 'accidentally' lose your phone so you have an excuse to use his, or see if you can see his Facebook messenger etc

I would forward email to hubby, once his back home. You can watch his reactions. Actually tell him, I got this strange email, I have forwarded it to you so you can help me work out what has happened. Watch it all unfold. I'm sure you know what she looks like trying to lie or hide something.

*i would have said maybe a jealous woman but th fact he said this woman is all over him and he avoids her then was the complete opposite at a function would ring alarm bells for me

dont say anything to him yet if its true he'll just worm his way out *

this - with bells on.

I’m going to give you a warning and it’s probably one to pay heed to.

I’ve been in almost this exact position. Except I had a FB message from someone claiming to be the other woman. She was telling me he had stayed nights with her, and went in to loads of details.

Except everything she said was wrong. The nights she claimed he was there, he was with me all of the details were wrong. I told her she didn’t believe me and she kept harassing me so in the end the police were involved.

The thing is that there were vultures on here who kept telling me ‘don’t be such a fool, of course your husband cheated’, and despite me explaining there was no possible way they could be right they kept on and on calling me stupid.

I don’t know whether your husband has cheated or not. Just please keep your head while on here, there are people who want your marriage to fail.

I would probably not alert him to your suspicions until you’ve had a chance to do some further checking.

I absolutely don't want the OP's marriage to fail ffs. Trying to give her opinions (that she's asked for) based on the info she's supplied.

What I requoted - sorry can't remember pp's name -stands out to me as key contradictory behaviour. I'm sorry but your situation Skaross sounds totally different. I think you're projecting. 'Vultures'??

Lucrezia I wasn’t pouting the finger at anyone on here, I’m just warning the op that some people will be absolutely certain even in the face of proof.

As for ‘projecting’, what exactly would I be projecting?

This happened to me, but via an anonymous phone call. It was all true, and I ended up telling XH not to come home (he was abroad at work). He admitted everything when I confronted him.

I hope you can find something one way or the other. It is horrible, but I am grateful now that this person phoned me. I would thank them if I could.

I’m fascinated by these email people though. What motivates them? Did anyone find out who they were?

Ok Skaross but they're probably in the vast minority and pointing it out isn't very helpful to OP.

Projecting; based on your situation which has clearly left you feeling a little bitter.

Going to bow out as don't want to derail.

Like others on here I’ve see the poison pen happen. A bitter ex started rumours that colleague was having an affair with someone else at work. It was really nasty and they sent emails to people in the organisation and beyond. You can’t rule it out.

Skarossinkplunger I completely agree with you.

A matronly secretary did this at my old office only not anonymously. She rang the bosses wife and told her about the fact he was shagging a junior colleague. It wasn't out of malice she genuinely thought the wife had a right to know.

A friend had this but it was a letter posted abroad. It was true but it took years and years to find our who sent it, it was the OW’s partner who had found out and felt friend should know.

Over the years I’ve seen enough friends go through it and people posting here to know the drill. They lie, then confess to the utter minimum when absolutely have to. Yes some people might know when they confront their partners, others do not.

Don’t see why having partner being unfaithful as a red line means OP isn’t invested in their relationship and I read it as she is in self preservation mode.

Him being away does give the benefit of a bit of time to gather your thoughts OP. I personally would be using that time to my advantage to see what I can find and I’d absolutely be taking the precaution of putting finances in order as much as possible before he returns.

Yes this might be malicious but you already know of this this woman and there is his behaviour that night you observed plus some potential arse covering from him about her. It’s a really shitty situation but you have a bit of time in your side which you can use wisely.

Happened to a friend of mine and it turned out to be true (bf admitted it). We were pretty sure it was the OW who sent the email, as the way they described witnessing it didn't make sense (happened to see the couple on the street together then later happened to see them go inside OWs house in a different part of the city).

I believe in your case it is the women, whether it's true or not is a different story.

I would email back and ask for further information as well.

It could be her. That is my guess.

If you were noticing this kind of behaviour when you were there (dh going to be with her dancing and leaving you alone) this sounds like it has been going on for a while.

You need to satisfy yourself that it is true, and have some evidence before making any decisions. So sorry this has happened. Horrible way to find out as well.

I agree that malicious and false accusations do happen. A temporary administrator at work spread a rumour that one senior colleague was having an affair with another senior colleague's husband. The senior colleagues were friends and shared an office. There were young DCs involved on one side. The 'OW' had apparently told the temporary administrator about it. The friendships between the colleagues never quite recovered and the 'OW' left in the end. The marriage can't have been easy either, at least for a time.

Except the affair had been completely made up by the temporary administrator. She wanted to cause trouble for the 'OW' because she fancied a senior manager who only had eyes for the 'OW'.

Some people are just plain nasty and vindictive OP. Sadly he might have been unfaithful to you, but keep an open mind and seek proof. Best of luck.

Yep, I also reckon this is the woman, maybe your DH has flirted, maybe something more, maybe nothing more than friendliness but she’s trying to split you up to get her man! Email back and say how interesting give me some more details to prove it

There are some strange people around with odd motivations.

Keep an open mind until you can get some evidence.

Very brief update while I am getting DDs ready for school.
I think, if anything has happened, it would have been on one or two occasions. I don't think there would have been an affair as such, more him taking advantage of being away from home, drunk, staying in a hotel etc.
He only has a work laptop which he brings home, all his emails and Facebook are connected to this. He also has a work ipad. I may be able to access the ipad when he is asleep but I don't think there would be reams of evidence on there.
I actually think something may have happened prior to him and her going away on their own, and her thinking it was possibly the start of something and him then realising he was at risk of me finding our, hence the over explanation of her behaviour.
But until I actually do some digging I don't know.
I know when I confront him eventually he will cry and promise its all lies, so there's no way I'll get the truth if he has cheated.
And there is a possibility someone from his work may have done it maliciously... He does occasionally have fallouts with people from work because of his role so it could be them trying to hurt him.
It's occurred to me they must be a Facebook friend of his to have seen we are still in a relationship
He called me last night and I found it very difficult to be 'normal' in our conversation but, at least as other people have said, i have time to prepare myself before he gets back.
In terms of finances, all our bills are paid out of his account which we decided to do rather than having a joint account.
Haven't replied to the email as yet, still undecided about whether to or not. However I am almost certain that the email has been specifically created to email me this message as I can't find any evidence of them online at all. I've done all the digging on the email that I can do without paying, and I've just drawn blanks so far. So I'm sure it's a made up email address.
Will do some more Internet digging later and keep you updated

Op, from what you've posted, i also don't think this is an affair. I do think though there is a possibility it's true they have hooked up a couple of times. I'd be shocked if there was evidence on his phone, he'd have to be an idiot, but let's be honest, they do exist.

I also don't think it's a case of her chasing him as he's made out to you. Simply because of his behaviour that night. And yes he will deny it.

Do you work? Can you Seperate? I'm not sure of what you can do here to be honest other than email the person back and ask how they know and what proof they have. I doubt you'll find other evidence, and by not seeing what the person says it's going to gnaw away at you, because you'll always be wondering.

Well done for staying seemingly calm and collected.
My email isn't linked to my Facebook in the sense that I've disabled the ability for people to search me by my email address so that might be why you can't find an account linked to the page, so could be just an innocent reason for that.

It happened to me. Seemingly an email from a 3rd party telling me my husband was making a fool out of me with a couple of details. It was sent from an email address that refereed to my husband so had been created for emailing me. Turned out to be the OW.

I confronted him when he got home from work. Turned out the OW had told him she'd sent the email so he was expecting it. He admitted it straight away. It was horrible.

When I got the email, I immediately thought it was a hoax and spent hours googling for poison pen templates etc. I was desperate for it to be a hoax. But at the same time, deep down, I knew it was true. Instinct can be really strong. It's all very well saying how awful it is to doubt your partner but the reality is that relationships and people aren't perfect. It's ok to have doubts. And depending on your relationship - which you know best - those doubts might be real.

Good luck OP. It's a horrible situation to be in.