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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to ask for help. I've got an email telling me DH has cheated

362 replies

ItsADilemma12345 · 26/03/2018 21:58

Posting here for traffic really. I got an email basically saying DH has cheated on me with a colleague from work. Nothing very specific in the email, it names the person he is supposed to have cheated on me with, and says it was at a work conference (he goes away every couple of months for work at weekends.). It also says it is meant to have happened before. The email was not from the person he is meant to have cheated on me with.

I haven't replied yet.

DH is not friends on FB with this person (unless she has blocked me, in which case I won't be able to check). I have searched FB for the email address I got the message from, but there's no account linked to it. Which suggests the person is using a different email from their regular email address.

DH is away working until Saturday so I wondered what you would do?

I think there are 3 possible explanations:
1 - he has cheated on me
2 - other woman has told people he has cheated on me with her
3 - someone is lying to me for their own reasons.

I am not sure why anyone would email this if they didn't think it was true? I have never thought he has cheated on me. He and the 'other woman' were away together a while ago, he told me she said some inappropriate things before they went (along the lines of "oooh, weekend away") which gave me the impression she was keen on him. He also told me she kept trying to tag along with him when he was doing things in the evening on his own, and he had to try and completely ignore her to give her the hint that he wanted to be left alone. However I have only heard this from his side of the story.

There was a work function a couple of years ago. I noticed this woman did not even acknowledge me, and DH got quite drunk and kept going over to where she was dancing (leaving me on my own with people I had just met that day). (I realise this sounds a bit like Love Actually, I promise it is true and not based on that film)

Also colleague has now left for another job so as far as I know they haven't been in touch. Also, for info, colleague is about 10 yrs younger, quite attractive.

To be clear, if it turns out he has cheated he is fully aware that our relationship would be over. So there is absolutely no way he will be honest with me if he has. I know he wants our relationship to continue.

We have 2 daughters aged 9 and 5.

Just wondered if anyone has been in this position - got a random email accusing their partner of cheating. What happened?

And what would you do in my position? Would you reply to the email? Not sure what I should say? or just confront DH when he gets home?

In my gut I don't think he has but I could just be being naïve.

OP posts:
FairiesVsPixies · 26/03/2018 22:23

Are you sure the email is not from her? Why would the person emailing tell you now and not when it allegedly happened before?

thegreatbeyond · 26/03/2018 22:24

I found pictures in his phone's deleted folder and 'stuff' in his bag he took on trips. Also look at his downloaded apps list.

FlashTheSloth · 26/03/2018 22:25

Occams razor. Simplest explanation is often the right one. Blackmail would be ridiculous. Would someone do it just to stir? I'd be more inclined to think it was true. Sorry OP. But I would email back and ask for more information.

CanIBuffalo · 26/03/2018 22:25

And if it is from her, she could well tell your husband that she'd sent it meaning he'd have plenty of chance to delete stuff.
What a horrible situation.

C0untDucku1a · 26/03/2018 22:26

Id be lhoning him for Nightly chats every might he is away. If he isn't cheating it is back to romantic missing each other stage.

scrabbler3 · 26/03/2018 22:26

Maybe he rebuffed her and she felt he led her on. This could be a revenge thing.

It could be someone with an axe to grind at work.

You ether need to turn detective and look at his phone when he's asleep, or ask him and watch his reaction carefully.

I wouldn't engage with an anonymous emailer.

ichifanny · 26/03/2018 22:28

I’d be aware if you confront him that he will say she is obsessed with him and making it all up .

Original poster
ItsADilemma12345 · 26/03/2018 22:29

Fairies it could well be her emailing me, not sure why she would do it now though as I have looked her up on FB and she seems to be with a new partner.
PuffyCat there is no way I would keep quiet, I just want to get prepared before I say anything. Just trying to get the best plan in place. I have no issue with splitting up with him.

OP posts:
YolandasFridge · 26/03/2018 22:29

Oh OP I'm so sorry you are going through this, you must have got such a shock

There is a chance it's some weird bullshit so you need proof before you potentially throw away a marriage

Confronted he will just say it's someone with a grudge and all lies

Use the time wisely while he does t know about the email. Find proof. If there's no proof then fair enough

Good luck , I've been in your shoes and it's fucking horrible ( I found my proof)

letsdolunch321 · 26/03/2018 22:29

Facetime him randomly rather than ringing.

Augustlou30 · 26/03/2018 22:29

A close relative emailed the wife of a man she'd been involved with pretending to be someone else. She was an idiot to get involved, after a month he completely turned psycho was controlling, abusive, and completely fucked up her life. She was furious he just went back to his wife after what he happily did to her and she took him back. (apparently he was never like this with his wife). So anyway I'm. Not sure why you'd go to the bother and there's no smoke without fire etc however I can be a bit naive and like to believe the best in people. Xxx

DairyisClosed · 26/03/2018 22:30

Generally what kind of man is your husband? It's quite easy to pick out the ones who are likely to cheat. They drink too much. Think too highly if themselves. And care too little about others. His behaviour at the party would definitely give good reason to be suspicious.

As pp have said snoop a bit. In addition to looking through his accounts other things to look out for are condoms (if you don't use them), sex toys for two that you haven't used together, recent attempts he has made to look more attractive, changes in your sexuality relationship etc.

Don't engage with the person who sent the email. They will have their own motive. Only contact them as a last resort if you find nothing in his accounts to request proof. Don't ask them who they are or how they know it's true. Just say you require hard evidence-do they have any? Don't engage beyond that.

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 26/03/2018 22:30

Sorry op but added to the other things that you said I don’t think it looks good. I’d ask for proof/more details and then tell him you know but not what or how. Let him talk. The less you say the better. Cheaters only admit what they have to. It’s harder when they don’t know what you know.

ReinettePompadour · 26/03/2018 22:31

I was 'named' as the other woman by some weirdo. Not only had I never slept with this man, I actually didn't even like him as a person or in looks.

It caused huge arguments between my DH and me, he thought the same as many on here in 'why would someone say it if its not true?' It absolutely was not true and took a chance meeting with someone my DH knew who told my DH they remembered seeing me trying to escape this man at a conference and they felt sorry for me being harrassed by this person. DH has never mentioned it since but he questioned everything I did for a very long time.

We never found out why I was chosen to be named. I assume some psycho who liked to stir it and sit and watch the fallout Hmm

You need to ask lots of questions from the email sender and your dh but with an open mind that it could be someone stirring.

Petalflowers · 26/03/2018 22:31

I don’t think I would email,them, but would do some snooping. Have. A look at bank statements etc to see if there are any suspicious transactions. Have a look in his wallet for any receipts etc. Definitely have a look at his phone for texts etc. If he tend to keep,hold of it, fabricate a lie. Ie. Leave your phone in the car, then ask to borrow his to check the weather, lottery result, text a friend etc. If he is guarded, then that may be a clue. Also, can you track,his phone to see if he is where he says he is. Also, do a bit of googling to see if the comgpferance he says he going to actually exist.

NambiBambi · 26/03/2018 22:31

I would be very careful about replying to an email like that. At some level they want you to engage or they wouldn't have sent it. For whatever reason the sender wants a reaction from you. Once you respond they have control of the situation.

It would be driving me mad but I would speak to my husband first.

Mightymucks · 26/03/2018 22:33

Honestly FFS this place.

At least give the man a chance to explain himself.

If the same sort of email was sent to a man about a woman everyone on here would be going fucking mental what a bastard her DH was if he believed it without even checking it out.

OP, did you have suspicions before? It sounds odd she has a new partner and not exactly plausible.

Bluntness100 · 26/03/2018 22:34

That seems rather cold op. You've no issue splitting up with him?

So what's the back story? There is clearly something wrong with the marriage if you've no issue splitting up with him. Most foks would he devastated even when its their decision, they'd be devastated they'd been cheated on, debated fheir marriage was over. But you've no issue?

Are you just going to bury it op,and pretend you didn't get It?

YolandasFridge · 26/03/2018 22:34

Sorry but to PP describing the " kind of man who cheats", there is no such thing

I am married a cheater with none of those traits

Mightymucks · 26/03/2018 22:34

^^ What bluntness said

honeyroar · 26/03/2018 22:36

Without the bit where he kept leaving you at a function to go near her and her ignoring you all night I wouldn't be quite as worried, but it does sound as though something fishy was going on then. Did you ever say anything about his behaviour that night?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 26/03/2018 22:36

Can you access his mobile phone bills and see if anything looks odd?
I'd go through the finances - see if there is any unexplained spending.
Also if you know his passwords you could access his fb etc, even if he has his phone on him.

anneoneill · 26/03/2018 22:37

" I have no issue with splitting up with him."

Just leave him now then. If he's innocent he deserves someone who cares about him.

Whocansay · 26/03/2018 22:37

It could be that she propositioned him, he turned her down and is now trying to cause trouble. I certainly wouldn't trust an anonymous email.

I would probably sleep on it (if you can!) and tomorrow ask how she knows / if she has proof.

I'm not sure I would start 'snooping' on the basis of this email alone. It's a horrible betrayal of trust going down that road. If it turns out not to be true and he finds out, he would be rightly angry / devastated and it would damage your relationship.

Whoever sent the email is a coward, as they don't want you to know who they are. They have put you in a horrible position. I think someone who cares about your feelings would be unlikely to do this anonymously, so I definitely wouldn't take this at face value.