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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for help. I've got an email telling me DH has cheated

362 replies

ItsADilemma12345 · 26/03/2018 21:58

Posting here for traffic really. I got an email basically saying DH has cheated on me with a colleague from work. Nothing very specific in the email, it names the person he is supposed to have cheated on me with, and says it was at a work conference (he goes away every couple of months for work at weekends.). It also says it is meant to have happened before. The email was not from the person he is meant to have cheated on me with.

I haven't replied yet.

DH is not friends on FB with this person (unless she has blocked me, in which case I won't be able to check). I have searched FB for the email address I got the message from, but there's no account linked to it. Which suggests the person is using a different email from their regular email address.

DH is away working until Saturday so I wondered what you would do?

I think there are 3 possible explanations:
1 - he has cheated on me
2 - other woman has told people he has cheated on me with her
3 - someone is lying to me for their own reasons.

I am not sure why anyone would email this if they didn't think it was true? I have never thought he has cheated on me. He and the 'other woman' were away together a while ago, he told me she said some inappropriate things before they went (along the lines of "oooh, weekend away") which gave me the impression she was keen on him. He also told me she kept trying to tag along with him when he was doing things in the evening on his own, and he had to try and completely ignore her to give her the hint that he wanted to be left alone. However I have only heard this from his side of the story.

There was a work function a couple of years ago. I noticed this woman did not even acknowledge me, and DH got quite drunk and kept going over to where she was dancing (leaving me on my own with people I had just met that day). (I realise this sounds a bit like Love Actually, I promise it is true and not based on that film)

Also colleague has now left for another job so as far as I know they haven't been in touch. Also, for info, colleague is about 10 yrs younger, quite attractive.

To be clear, if it turns out he has cheated he is fully aware that our relationship would be over. So there is absolutely no way he will be honest with me if he has. I know he wants our relationship to continue.

We have 2 daughters aged 9 and 5.

Just wondered if anyone has been in this position - got a random email accusing their partner of cheating. What happened?

And what would you do in my position? Would you reply to the email? Not sure what I should say? or just confront DH when he gets home?

In my gut I don't think he has but I could just be being naïve.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 27/03/2018 08:48

I wouldn't reply to the email. If it is this woman, she'll want a reaction, so don't give her one. You'll get on better doing your own digging.

Nikephorus · 27/03/2018 08:53

It can easily be someone pissed off & trying to get their own back - years ago where I worked there was a man who had pissed off another member of the team (nothing sexual or malicious, just personalities not getting on plus some stirring from other quarters) & someone rang his other half & accused him of cheating (no details or anything). It was just a stupid, malicious call with zero basis. And the man hadn't done a thing wrong. Luckily it didn't seem to affect their relationship & they went on and got married. So don't assume that it's true because sometimes it's not.

Bluntness100 · 27/03/2018 08:54

How will she get on better doing her own digging? I very much doubt she will find anything unless he's an idiot who forgot to delete anything on his phone.

Actually my bigger concern would be the fact she's married with two kids and the reference to all the bills coming out of his account and no joint account and whether she is totally financially reliant on him with no access to her own money. Hopefully not.

BoobleMcB · 27/03/2018 09:16

I don't understand why you haven't replied if you believe it could be true? I'd want more specifics so it at least narrows down your parameters for digging and investigating/questioning.

Also I'd be asking for evidence and who they are

Original poster
ItsADilemma12345 · 27/03/2018 09:21

Hi all, no I work , just when we moved in together his credit rating was much better than mine so it was easier for the bills to come from his account.
Now my credit rating is fine and financially I would be ok if we split.
At work now so will update this evening
Really appreciate all your advice and support x

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 27/03/2018 09:26

Then you'll be fine and that's good news.

As said, for me, I don't think you'll find anything by digging on his phone or computer , especially if this was not an affair.

I'd email back and ask for proof, I'd say something like how do you know this and do you have proof, and then you'll know if it's bullshit or not and can then make some decisions. However for me, I'd want to know for sure either way, that's why I'd email back.

kaitlinktm · 27/03/2018 09:28

A matronly secretary ? Confused

PixieDust100 · 27/03/2018 09:29

Why don’t you reply to the email and get more info? Try and get dates, location, hoe they know ..

Viviennemary · 27/03/2018 09:35

I wouldn't correspond with this spiteful gossip. And if it is true I wouldn't be surprised if it's the other woman herself writing the e-mail under a different guise.

Handsoffmysweets · 27/03/2018 09:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 27/03/2018 09:51

I'd definitely reply asking for more detail.

It is possible that it's absolutely untrue, but prepare for it not to be SadFlowers

TeaforTiger · 27/03/2018 10:14

I'd just ask him. If you won't believe his response either way then the marriage isn't in a good place anyway.

If DH got an email about me and instead of just asking me he decided to 'dig around' for more information and started planning his financial exit, the trust would be gone and the marriage over.

Good luck OP.

retirednow · 27/03/2018 10:17

Hope you had a good day at work.

Bluntness100 · 27/03/2018 10:21

If DH got an email about me and instead of just asking me he decided to 'dig around' for more information and started planning his financial exit, the trust would be gone and the marriage over

This isn't really logical. Because if you were shagging around then the relationship would be over anyway, his digging would be irrelevant. In addition, he will,very likely lie, as she's already stated.

AlanRickman · 27/03/2018 10:25

I've actually sent a message before to the husband of the woman, my husband had an affair with! I didn't do it anonymously though.
The first message I sent was quite simple though, just a brief 'you should know your wife has been sleeping with my husband etc'. He responded ' how can you substantiate these claims', then I sent the proof. I chose not to go into detail in the first message in case he'd rather not know, or he already knew and didn't care.
It may be a well meaning person emailing you to let you know in which case they should be able to give more details. If it is the OW or a spiteful person, replying in a similar way lets them know you don't believe them, and is up to them to prove otherwise.

TeaforTiger · 27/03/2018 10:26

But if you already know you are married to a liar, then what's the point?

MN loves a drama and CSI style detective work, but it's not real life. I would ask my husband.

KarmaStar · 27/03/2018 10:29

Flowerswhat a horrible shock OP.
It reads as if this woman in question is after your husband and sent the email hoping you would push him straight into her arms.
Tread carefully here,don't reward her if this is the case.
Only you can really understand your dh and I haven't got much practical advice but I very much hope it is all a nasty vindictive lie.
Good luck OP

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 27/03/2018 10:31

but it's not real life. I would ask my husband.

As would I; but I can still accept that there are some people who would lie regardless. That can be real life for some people.

I'm quite good at reading DP; I know if he's lying. I don't think he'd lie anyway; but my fallback would be that even if he did, I could see through it.

That's not true of all relationships, some people are experienced liars and some can't easily be read, and in those cases, asking outright might not result in the truth.

I'm not advocating all the CSI stuff - these threads go insane at times, private investigators and hacking apps etc - but I can see that some people might not be entirely confident in just asking.

TeaforTiger · 27/03/2018 10:38

That's a good point Anchor.

Whatever you do OP I wish you all the best.

Sohardtochooseausername · 27/03/2018 10:42

I haven’t read the whole thread.

I’ve been in this situation before and both the person who told me about DP’s affair and DP lied to me about how bad it was. I’ll never know the truth. I know how horrible it is to find out this way and I am sending you big sympathy vibes. It is one of the most horrible things and I can’t forget that feeling.

I found out in 2015 and we are still together. I should have left him at the time but I didn’t. It feels much harder to now.

If you are otherwise happy then you need to think about whether you can mend your relationship. It’s very hard once the trust is damaged. I’ve heard some people have managed, but it takes willingness on both sides and time.

I wish you all the very best in your decision.

Bluntness100 · 27/03/2018 10:45

I would also ask my husband, but I'd also ask the person who sent me the email for proof because I could not stand never knowing for sure and being made a mug of.

The fact someone cheats is often a shock to the partner. They don't know they are married to a liar. And very few cheats just admit it.

Your ethos is your husband will be honest and admit it if asked. That's a very unlikely scenario for many and the op has already stated if it's true he won't admit it. For the very good reason he wishes to stay married.

GayAllen · 27/03/2018 10:48

Say “I know what happened at the conference. You have one chance to tell me yourself or we’re over”.

pencilhoarder · 27/03/2018 10:56

Be circumspect with this, OP. The fact that the sender kept her or himself anonymous could mean they are trying to stir up strife for their own reasons. If you choose to reply you could ask the sender to say who they are and how they have this 'information' before you treat it with any seriousness.

Whether or not you want to stay in the relationship maybe something you want to consider on it's own, regardless of the message.

AtSea1979 · 27/03/2018 10:59

OP seems way too calm about this. I think I’d really have struggled going to work and would have phoned in and stayed home digging.

retirednow · 27/03/2018 10:59

Id be so tempted to forward the email to dh and wait for the grovelling to begin and be out when he was due home. If it turns out to be true and he likes vindictive spiteful women then let them get on with it.