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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for help. I've got an email telling me DH has cheated

362 replies

ItsADilemma12345 · 26/03/2018 21:58

Posting here for traffic really. I got an email basically saying DH has cheated on me with a colleague from work. Nothing very specific in the email, it names the person he is supposed to have cheated on me with, and says it was at a work conference (he goes away every couple of months for work at weekends.). It also says it is meant to have happened before. The email was not from the person he is meant to have cheated on me with.

I haven't replied yet.

DH is not friends on FB with this person (unless she has blocked me, in which case I won't be able to check). I have searched FB for the email address I got the message from, but there's no account linked to it. Which suggests the person is using a different email from their regular email address.

DH is away working until Saturday so I wondered what you would do?

I think there are 3 possible explanations:
1 - he has cheated on me
2 - other woman has told people he has cheated on me with her
3 - someone is lying to me for their own reasons.

I am not sure why anyone would email this if they didn't think it was true? I have never thought he has cheated on me. He and the 'other woman' were away together a while ago, he told me she said some inappropriate things before they went (along the lines of "oooh, weekend away") which gave me the impression she was keen on him. He also told me she kept trying to tag along with him when he was doing things in the evening on his own, and he had to try and completely ignore her to give her the hint that he wanted to be left alone. However I have only heard this from his side of the story.

There was a work function a couple of years ago. I noticed this woman did not even acknowledge me, and DH got quite drunk and kept going over to where she was dancing (leaving me on my own with people I had just met that day). (I realise this sounds a bit like Love Actually, I promise it is true and not based on that film)

Also colleague has now left for another job so as far as I know they haven't been in touch. Also, for info, colleague is about 10 yrs younger, quite attractive.

To be clear, if it turns out he has cheated he is fully aware that our relationship would be over. So there is absolutely no way he will be honest with me if he has. I know he wants our relationship to continue.

We have 2 daughters aged 9 and 5.

Just wondered if anyone has been in this position - got a random email accusing their partner of cheating. What happened?

And what would you do in my position? Would you reply to the email? Not sure what I should say? or just confront DH when he gets home?

In my gut I don't think he has but I could just be being naïve.

OP posts:
Yarboosucks · 02/04/2018 12:14

You lost me at the messaging the supervisor bit.

XiCi · 02/04/2018 12:19

Id be very suspicious following your DH responses. The fact he brought up that he had called you every night from his room at that particular conference sounds to me like he had planned to do so as an alibi and to have it on hand as a reason he couldn't have cheated if this ever came up. And crying is not something I think an innocent person would do. I'd be incredulous and be trying to get to the bottom of who sent that email. Did he have any idea as to who or why that would have been sent. Saying its a new boyfriend trying to catch her out sounds incredibly far fetched.

Horrible situation for you to be in OP

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 02/04/2018 12:20

I found out my ex of many years had been cheating on me for a year with a woman he met at work (I say found out....in my gut I knew and forced it out of him). She had a partner and I told him, but he didn't believe me. I was gobsmacked, but he said he'd spoken to her and she denied it, so I must be mistaken.
I wasn't. I also managed to hear it from her mouth.
Please be careful OP. If it is true, of course he was going to deny it.

windchimesabotage · 02/04/2018 12:26

It does happen that people do this maliciously. Ive had it happen to me twice in slightly different ways.
Once my flatmate told my boyfriend I was having an affair because he could hear me shagging someone when my boyfriend was out.
What he had actually been hearing was me doing my aerobics dvd with my headphones on. Was really creepy.

On another occassion my male friends new girlfriend messaged my boyfriend to 'let him know her bf and I were having an affair'
I had never so much as touched that mans hand.... no idea where that came from.

I also had a very paranoid boyfriend for some time who I found out afterwards had been doing this sort of thing... trying to trick people into admitting to sleeping with me by sending them messages saying 'i know'

Some people really are that unhinged so lucky for you if youve never met any but it really can and does happen.

GrandTheftWalrus · 02/04/2018 13:03

I asked one that messaged me for proof and they sent 1 pic of him that they'd got from social media profile.

instabum · 02/04/2018 13:16

Haven't RTFT but my sister got an email to say the same thing and her dh laughed it off and said (very similarly to your dh!) that he rejected a colleague who was now probably just stirring trouble for him. Long story short, her dh is now married to the ow.

Lookforthestars · 02/04/2018 13:25

I have to say op i think it sounds more suspicious now. Sad

SaturdaySauv · 02/04/2018 14:43

His reaction is incredibly suspect, particularly the crying and character assassination of the OW.

slithytove · 02/04/2018 15:49

Honestly I think it sounds innocent.

If my loved one accused me of something I would be an open book doing anything I could do prove it hadn’t happened. The fact he pulled his messages out immediately i think says a lot;

I think if he had reacted with anger or trying to turn it back on you I would be more worried.

Lizzie48 · 02/04/2018 15:56

I sometimes really think some MN posters are desperate for a drama with a clear conclusion. And they assume the worst, ie that the DH is a cheat and the OP should LTB. But I think it's often projection because of their own experiences.

You might be right, of course, but the OP has found no evidence of cheating and the DH's explanation does make sense. People do shit stir sometimes, you only need to watch a few Jeremy Kyle lie detectors to know that.

stellarfox · 02/04/2018 18:19

All you can do now is go with your gut. You need to ask yourself whether you trust your partner and what he has told you. From my experience cheaters will deny all they can, but on the other hand he could be completely innocent and the person that sent the email may be malicious. Good luck and sorry you have been through this awful situation

HughLauriesStubble · 02/04/2018 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluntness100 · 02/04/2018 21:20

Honestly I think you're in a difficult position, you don't know either way.

If I had to put myself in your husbands shoes, I'd say he went over the top, emailing the supervisor was over kill, and then going to contact the woman. Then couple that with the crying, it's just too much.

How would I react? If innocent, I'd be totally bemused and a bit angry, and I'd want to see rhe email and I'd respond to it trying to get the person to reveal themselves, I'd pretend to be you, draw them out, I'd get you involved. I'd want to know who it was and would do every thing in my power to find out who sent it.

If I was guilty, I'd probably do everything in my power to convince you of my innocence and go over the top, getting back up from others, weeping, etc so I think on thr balance of probabilities his extreme reaction would cause me to think he was guilty.

How would you react?

Ps the supervisor suggestion of rhe new partner was weird, are you sure it was actually the supervisor he was texting, do you recognise their number?

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 02/04/2018 22:35

I don't think his reaction makes him look guilty. I had it happen to me, but from his position. Someone sent my husband a message saying I was cheating on him with a guy from work. When he told me I cried. I was confused and angry, realised everything that this could have cost me and also was upset that someone unknown would do this to me. Even tho I knew it was false it was still terrifying waiting for my husband's reaction, wondering if he'd believe me. I too involved work as it must have been someone at work who did it, to have known both me and the other man and i struggled at work for a while after too, constantly looking over my shoulder wondering who had done it. My husband regularly heard complaints about the guy, Tho we were friendly I worked closely with him and he had many character traits that drove me up the wall. I didn't encourage him to message back as I was afraid that the faith he was showing in me might be shaken even tho nothing had happened. Tho I also didn't stop any moves he made to message them back. Extreme reaction and emotion seem totally appropriate to me.

BitOutOfPractice · 02/04/2018 23:32

Yes, emailing the supervisor was ott, unprofessional and frankly really embarrassing.

thickgit · 03/04/2018 17:47

Hope you get to the bottom of it

eloisesparkle · 03/04/2018 19:45

Oh insta that's awful for your sister.
I do hope the OP's dh is not cheating.

ferntwist · 03/04/2018 20:11

Did you ever get a reply to your email OP?

blueshoes · 03/04/2018 20:25

Your dh emailed his supervisor who he is not close to about a possible poison pen email that was sent to his wife and his supervisor responded that it was probably the colleague's jealous partner?

Curiouser and curiouser. It all sounds a little staged.

Original poster
ItsADilemma12345 · 04/04/2018 00:07

Hi all,
No reply from the email. Which makes me question the integrity of the person who sent it. Surely if they felt I should know that my DH had cheated, they would be prepared to at least reply to my email, even if they didn't want to reveal themselves?
In regards to him messaging the supervisor, I was there when he sent the message, I've met them. They aren't great friends and the supervisor isn't great friends with 'OW' either. Supervisor did seem very surprised that this message/rumour has been brought up.
I understand what you are all saying about it being unprofessional of him to ask the supervisor, I think he was desperate to clear his name and it was the only thing he could think of... He wanted to know if the 'OW' had said something had happened to her supervisor, or whether the supervisor had overheard her saying something.
I completely understand that cheats will lie rather than admit what they have done.
I don't honestly know if anything did happen, like i said before my gut says it didn't but I will never be sure. And it's really sad that someone has planted that seed of doubt if he hasn't done anything. On the other hand, he could have and may be desperately trying to keep it hidden from me. At this stage I have no proof either way.
Going to keep my ear to the ground for the next few months and see how I feel then.
Thanks again for your support and for sharing your stories. I found it really interesting how many people have been in a similar situation and how different the outcomes were.

OP posts:
saveyourkissesforme · 04/04/2018 00:33

Sorry you are going through this. An awful situation.

Two things stand out to me from the story. One - the fact that the woman in question is the same person you previously had concerns about. One's instincts are usually right. Two - the crying - that feels like a guilty reaction.

Very hard to know the truth but I would say that something has gone on between them. Who knows the current status of their friendship though.

In your situation I would certainly be keen to track down some evidence. Time will tell of course but this is truly awful for you as it may well be difficult to find out the facts.

YolandasFridge · 04/04/2018 00:51

This is why I advised you to bide your time.

You are now in limbo and I feel for you

No proof, and he knows you're on to him so will be extra careful so you are now less likely to catch him out

Please remember this all those who advised "just ask your husband outright " yeah because he's going to tell you the truth when he knows you have no evidence Hmm

8SaltandVinegar · 04/04/2018 00:59

Bet your gut instinct is spot on. Print him out the email and leave it on the dinner table. Don't carry the doubt yourself. Suss him out.

He Could be very innocent (hopefully).

WindowsSmindows · 04/04/2018 01:18

The best of luck to you in the future op. You sound lovely. I hope it all turns out to be nothing, I think it will.

Terfinater · 04/04/2018 01:26

I think this would have been cleared up easily if you had asked him to ring her on speakerphone.

If this happened to me I'd want to speak to the person I'd been accused of having an affair with.