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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To decline a new job role

196 replies

CookieDoughKid · 26/03/2018 08:15

I have been headhunted for an amazing job role, it carries lot of weight as a next career step but involves 30 to 40% travelling in the EU. I don't think these jobs come round often. I have passed first round interviews.

My dh got made redundant in Jan with very little pay off. He is making no effort to look for a new job and I don't want him to be a stay at home dad. He is in prime earning years and I will lose respect for him if he stays at home. I don't know how I have ended up with a man child. I feel my workplace success has made life too easy for him and we have been here before. He gets fired or made redundant and we spend months skirting around the subject of work before I blow my top off and literally kick him out for him to start job hunting.

I'm gutted to decline job role. We have dcs. But I don't want to be the sole breadwinner. How do so many men end up like that? I swear to God my son will NOT be like his father.

I am that close to texting his mum to say something about her son.

OP posts:
AJPTaylor · 26/03/2018 08:23

i think you need to seperate your career from how you feel about dh.
if it is a job/career move you would make if dh was in work you should take it.
you then need to decide what you want to do about dh.

Custardo · 26/03/2018 08:25

agreed - you can have your dream job AND your husband can work - you can have both

WorldWideWanderer · 26/03/2018 08:26

Don't decline the job offer if you get it, it sounds amazing and if they have headhunted you, you clearly have the skills and deserve it. Go for it and don't look back.
Your DH, on the other hand, sounds as though he is just using your earnings to have an easy life. Don't let him. Take control. Explain you will not be using your hard-earned, hard-won salary to fund him and that you have no respect for his lack of effort. That he must get off his backside and find work; if no improvement you are walking away.
And then walk away.
You could do without a cocklodger....

Dancingmonkey87 · 26/03/2018 08:27

Why can’t he be a sahd? My dad was and he’s an amazing man. Surely you do what works for the family.

Bluelady · 26/03/2018 08:30

What AJP said. Don't cut your nose off to spite your face.

Lokisglowstickofdestiny · 26/03/2018 08:32

Putting aside the issue of your husband at the moment - do you want the job? I'd take it and make it clear that he needs to pull his weight - now whether that is in supporting your career or getting another job is up to both of you.

TwitterQueen1 · 26/03/2018 08:38

Tricky one.
If you are offered the job and decline it based on your resentment of your DH's refusal to work, you will resent him even more and I would imagine it would be the death knell for your relationship.

But I understand why you don't want to enable him to make no effort to find work and rely on you for money. And if you take the job and then split up you will have to pay him maintenance and maybe he would need to be the resident parent / main carer.

You don't say how old your DC are, which is relevant I think. If they're young they need constant parental care and input so one of you will need to be at home more. If they're old enough to be left on their own a bit, it's less of an issue....

I think you need a 'cards on the table' type of talk.

CaffeineBomb · 26/03/2018 08:40

Bluelady presumably that was agreed with your mum as it was the best decision for the entire family. Where one parent stays at home it should be agreed between both parties that they are happy with the arrangement.

OP I'm not sure I fully understand your reasons for declining the role? Is it because your DP would need to be a SAHD to facilitate the overseas travel? If that is the case what is the best decision for the entire family?

CaffeineBomb · 26/03/2018 08:41

Sorry that was to dancing monkey not bluelady not had any caffeine yet

VanillaPriscilla · 26/03/2018 08:44

Why on earth will you lose respect for him ?
It could work our perfectly if you are traveling more

ShatnersWig · 26/03/2018 08:48

The question is not How do so many men end up like that? but "Why do so many women end up marrying and having children with men like that?" because the majority didn't suddenly become like that overnight.

As for the general situation, I'd go for the job and with the extra salary kick your husband out and get an au pair.

NurseButtercup · 26/03/2018 08:54

Why would you resent your husband being sahd? Why is he automatically assumed to be a cocklodger? Assuming you are successful and secure this role, wouldn't your husband will be the default parent responsible for childcare when your working abroad?

Also - is there a possibility that your husband is depressed? Being made redundant is effectively being chucked on the scrap heap and can affect your confidence. Being able to pick yourself up and get back onto the treadmill of job applications and rejection can be tough if he's feeling this way.

I'm not defending your DH just offering an alternative perspective.

roundaboutthetown · 26/03/2018 08:57

CookieDoughKid - do you always react this childishly, or is it just your dh who brings it out in you? Why would you turn down a job you want just to spite your dh? In all honesty, do you actually want the job?! Because it sounds to me more like you are using your dh as an excuse to chicken out, because you don't want all that travel.

NurseButtercup · 26/03/2018 08:59

omg please ignore my terrible grammar and incorrect use of "your" and "you're"...Blush

DarkRoomDarren · 26/03/2018 08:59

Yabu I think.

It would be cutting off your nose to spite your face as pps have said.

I also don’t fully understand what the problem would be if he became a sahd. Would he not do a good job at home? I guess having a parent stay at home only works if they are good at it! It’s like any job.

DarkRoomDarren · 26/03/2018 08:59

@nurse

Too late! I’ve alreayd judged you...

(Just in case; I’m joking - I hadn’t even noticed)!

DarkRoomDarren · 26/03/2018 09:00

Ha! *already

ShatnersWig · 26/03/2018 09:00

Nurse I think this is the bit that makes us think he's a bit of a cocklodger: we have been here before. He gets fired or made redundant and we spend months skirting around the subject of work before I blow my top off and literally kick him out for him to start job hunting

KitKat1985 · 26/03/2018 09:02

Hmm, I get your point but if you took the job and are out of the country 30-40% of the time, one of you would need to be home to do childcare (or at least nursery / school pick ups and drop offs), so would him being a SAHD really be the worst thing? No-one would say anything I'm sure if the roles were reversed and you were considering being a SAHM so your husband could take on a job with lots of time working abroad.

And I'm not defending your DH, but mine had similar when he lost his job 4 years ago. Spent ages moping around the house and not doing much, and it was frustrating, but I could see he was depressed and upset and needed support rather than moaning at.

And please don't text his mother? Really it's got nothing to do with her and it's a bit odd to 'telling on him' to his mother like it's somehow her responsibility.

WorraLiberty · 26/03/2018 09:04

I am that close to texting his mum to say something about her son.

What does his mum have to do with it? Confused

flimflaminurjams · 26/03/2018 09:04

Also why are you so close to telling his Mum???? What will she do that you can't? Will he do as she says but not what you say? Please explain what you mean.

DarkPeakScouter · 26/03/2018 09:06

Do you want the job?
Would he be a good sahd?

Bluelady · 26/03/2018 09:06

wtf? Where did I mention my mum. Am I going senile?

GreyCloudsToday · 26/03/2018 09:08

Your post seems very harsh. Why are you not talking together as a family and coming to a decision that works best for everyone's needs?

What ages are your DC, why would it be so bad if your DH was a SAHD? It sounds like you have some rather outdated ideas about masculinity.

KitKat1985 · 26/03/2018 09:09

Bluelady - People are talking to the OP not you in reference to the 'telling his mum' comments.