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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To decline a new job role

196 replies

CookieDoughKid · 26/03/2018 08:15

I have been headhunted for an amazing job role, it carries lot of weight as a next career step but involves 30 to 40% travelling in the EU. I don't think these jobs come round often. I have passed first round interviews.

My dh got made redundant in Jan with very little pay off. He is making no effort to look for a new job and I don't want him to be a stay at home dad. He is in prime earning years and I will lose respect for him if he stays at home. I don't know how I have ended up with a man child. I feel my workplace success has made life too easy for him and we have been here before. He gets fired or made redundant and we spend months skirting around the subject of work before I blow my top off and literally kick him out for him to start job hunting.

I'm gutted to decline job role. We have dcs. But I don't want to be the sole breadwinner. How do so many men end up like that? I swear to God my son will NOT be like his father.

I am that close to texting his mum to say something about her son.

OP posts:
RidingWindhorses · 26/03/2018 09:52

Personally I would take the job. But I think if you are likely to be splitting in the future (and how long realistically can you put up with him?) you need to think carefully about him being a SAHP because he may then qualify as the primary carer.

JessicaJonesJacket · 26/03/2018 10:02

So you're willing to let your career stagnate to spite your DH? Confused
As everyone has said, accepting this job is separate from your DH being a SAHD. If you want this role then arrange childcare and accept it.

Then decide what to do about your DH.

orangesmartieseggs · 26/03/2018 10:03

Why are you with a man that you clearly have no respect for?

But as a side issue, how do you think a job where you're away 30-40% of the time will work when you have children and you both work full-time? Generally when one parent works away, the other, by default, has to adapt their working life to fit around the children. Someone is going to need to be available for the school run and INSET days - to collect them when they're sick, to drop them at the childminder etc.

If you split up (which you probably should as it doesn't sound like you even like him) won't he have to be the primary carer by default? Are you content to take a job that will mean that's likely to be the case in the long run?

iMatter · 26/03/2018 10:12

If you don't take the job I suspect you'll resent him even more.

You may end up blaming him for your decision.

Take the job and then work out a way forward with him (or without him)

Ginkypig · 26/03/2018 10:18

If this is how you feel about him/your marriage then the likelyhood is that those feelings will grow over more time and experiences together which could very likely leave you with a failed marriage, divorce and single parenthood so with that in mind why would you want to throw away an opportunity to be financially stable with good career prospects.

Don't cut of your nose to spite your face!

If you turn this down and then he doesn't get a new job or a crappy job then you will live with that as your income/lifestyle.

Of course this all depends on if you actually want the new job if not then none of it matters.

LittleRedTerfette · 26/03/2018 10:20

If any husband came out with this nonsense he’d be dead meat on here.

I’ve been a SAHM for 8 years, wonder if my husband has lost respect for me?

wrenika · 26/03/2018 10:21

You have some extremely outdated opinions on masculinity but that could be an entire thread of its own.

Why turn down a job you want...you're cutting your nose to spite your face. If you take this role with it's entailed travel, your DP needs to be able to take on more of the childcare responsibilities, so if funds permit, I really don't see how you would lose respect for him being a sahd. He'd be supporting you in taking on the job you seem to really want to. There's plenty time when the kids grow up for him to get back into work, but why give up on an opportunity you want just out of resent for him. What is it about him being a sahd that you hate so much?

SleepingStandingUp · 26/03/2018 10:23

So you intend to turn down a jon you want so that your husband won't benefit from your pay rise??

If he's a man child, he's not the only immature one in the marriage.

Branleuse · 26/03/2018 10:24

why on earth would you lose respect for him if he raises the children. Someone has to.

How old are the children?

Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 26/03/2018 10:25

Right I'm back. My dcs are 7 and 9. The new job will entail travelling in EU and not just an overnight stay here and there. The clients will expect me to be based on their premises for a certain duration.

If my dh wanted to be a sahd, I think I could get used to it. But he hasn't proven himself on the domestic front. I work full time in my day job and still have to do all the laundry and cleaning. I am not prepared to lower my standards, I work hard and my children's uniform is always clean and ironed on a Sunday as are my work shirts. We tried to have dh stay at home and it didn't work out. For example, my dcs will never eat vegetables, and I'd have to re-stack the dishes.

I guess what I think I am more crossed about, is that I want some equality in this relationship and quite frankly, it's a real burden being the sole breadwinner. Thank you for all your posts, I will read in more detail later.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 26/03/2018 10:29

How will giving up this job do that?

orangesmartieseggs · 26/03/2018 10:30

Okay, if your job is going to entail staying abroad in Europe for several days/weeks at a time, who is going to look after your DC, collect them from school and deal with INSET/sick days/childminders if you're not around and you're not happy with your DH's standards at home?

JessicaJonesJacket · 26/03/2018 10:31

But do you want the job and is it viable with your two DCs and your lifestyle?
It sounds as though you want to blame your DH for you turning down this job when actually you can't get the job to balance with your family. If the new post can finance childcare and a cleaner, then your DH can balance a new career with being primary carer when you are away. If, however, you don't want to be away from your DCs that much and it's more important to you to manage your household than delegate it to others (whether that be your DH or staff) then this isn't the right career move for you. But stop, muddying the decision by blaming your DH.

user1486915549 · 26/03/2018 10:37

I really don’t understand. If you don’t want DH to provide child care where would you put your young children for 30 to 40% of the time when you are travelling?

StealthPolarBear · 26/03/2018 10:40

I get it. If dh expects you to take on the job he needs to step up s a father. If he isn't willing to do that then th least he can do is help to financially provide

DarkRoomDarren · 26/03/2018 10:42

Ooooooh that makes sense @stealth. Is that what you mean op?

Mix56 · 26/03/2018 10:43

It would wind me up too.
1 the expectancy was 2 working parents & sharing jobs.
2 He isn't working or fussed about finding a job
3 He isn't even capable of doing the necessary with house/meals
4 He is taking the piss

Fairenuff · 26/03/2018 10:47

My dcs are 7 and 9. The new job will entail travelling in EU and not just an overnight stay here and there. The clients will expect me to be based on their premises for a certain duration.

So who would be doing the childcare if your dh was out at work too?

LimonViola · 26/03/2018 10:47

LittleRedTerfette

There's a difference between mutually agreeing as a family for one partner to stop work and be a SAHP, and what this guy has done which is kinda decide to do it of his own volition without the agreement or consent from OP. If a woman lost her job then just kicked around not getting another and not actually bringing up wanting to be a SAHP and her husband wanted them both to work (and that had always been the agreement) she'd get judged too, and rightly.

OP you don't want to be in a relationship where one person works and one doesn't, which is fine, neither would I, whether that was me or my OH. I think you have two issues here, can you take the job and your husband work? How would that work with the kids? I reckon you'd find a way just as he would if he was a single father working full time.

And secondly, do you actually want to be with him? He sounds awful, a real drain on the family.

Happymummy1991 · 26/03/2018 10:48

I feel sad that my husband has considerably more earning power than I do because, if I'm completely honest, I think he'd be a better SAHP than I am. He's just generally more motivated than I am so I reckon he'd keep on top of the housework better than I do and be much more imaginative and enthusiastic in keeping the kids entertained. But unfortunately we've got bills to pay and I can't earn what he can. Also he has quite out dated views (IMO) in that he believes he should be the breadwinner plus I think he likes to have that role.
My point is that surely its better to just go with what is practical and what works for your family. If you would need to be away travelling then surely its better for your DH to either be at home or working part time as it's more convenient for your family. He might not be 100% perfect as a SAHP parent but then how many of us are really? Plus if you have a job opportunity that you would love and would be beneficial to your career then you should go for it.

Inthedeepdarkwinter · 26/03/2018 10:51

I must admit I don't iron children's clothes and I don't probably stack the dishes the way you want.

To do this job, you would have to trust him to run the household and family ok, not perfectly or exactly as you would like, but ok.

If you can't do that, I don't see how you can take the job, as no nanny/childcarer can do overnights/sick days.

I guess that's where your frustration lies but I also can see that you have high standards where 'good enough' might be ok.

Only you can decide if you can be away for periods of time and let him get on with it.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 26/03/2018 10:53

Why can't he be a stay at home dad?

Inthedeepdarkwinter · 26/03/2018 10:54

Is he a drain, or actually is he fine as a father? My friend's husband is a SAHP/part-time worker and whilst he doesn't do everything she would, he is great with the kids, does all the school runs/events/birthdays and so on. He doesn't hang the washing up the way she likes but ultimately you can't work away unless you have someone to hold the fort.

It would be almost impossible for this dad to work full/time in a job involving, say a commute, and for mum to be away for chunks of time in Europe. So, I don't quite get what you are wishing for here.

RidingWindhorses · 26/03/2018 10:55

It sounds like you would be better off ditching this loser of a husband and paying a live in nanny. Could you afford that on your new salary?

MrsSchadenfreude · 26/03/2018 10:57

Take the job and put a rocket up your DH's arse.

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