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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To decline a new job role

196 replies

CookieDoughKid · 26/03/2018 08:15

I have been headhunted for an amazing job role, it carries lot of weight as a next career step but involves 30 to 40% travelling in the EU. I don't think these jobs come round often. I have passed first round interviews.

My dh got made redundant in Jan with very little pay off. He is making no effort to look for a new job and I don't want him to be a stay at home dad. He is in prime earning years and I will lose respect for him if he stays at home. I don't know how I have ended up with a man child. I feel my workplace success has made life too easy for him and we have been here before. He gets fired or made redundant and we spend months skirting around the subject of work before I blow my top off and literally kick him out for him to start job hunting.

I'm gutted to decline job role. We have dcs. But I don't want to be the sole breadwinner. How do so many men end up like that? I swear to God my son will NOT be like his father.

I am that close to texting his mum to say something about her son.

OP posts:

RidingWindhorses · 27/03/2018 14:37

Iirc, it was only when she kicked him out that he got treatment for his alcoholism. I think he's been dry since and they got back together.

Happy to be corrected.

Fairenuff · 27/03/2018 14:43

As I suggested upthread, there is obviously a lot more to this than OP has chosen to reveal, as is her right, but without OP here to clarify, there is no way posters can advise her really.

ShatnersWig · 27/03/2018 14:44

DontMake I agree, I dispute people who say it's bad form to bring past threads to a current discussion IF doing so reveals information that is totally and utterly relevant and saves people from wasting time posting advice or thoughts that actually aren't valid to the TRUE position rather than on just some of it,

RidingWindhorses · 27/03/2018 14:49

It largely depends on the spirit in which it is done.

If it shows up a troll or sheds useful light on the OP's current issue - ok.

If it's used to undermine the OP in a passive aggressive way then it's a negative.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 27/03/2018 14:54

If they split and got back together, that would explain it, although since he had so many faults before, you'd wonder why! Blimey - some people are just gluttons for punishment!

Fairenuff · 27/03/2018 15:07

So the bit where OP says 'literally kick him out' is probably referring to the separation? I wonder why she took him back.

blueshoes · 27/03/2018 15:28

This bringing past threads into the current thread is off-putting to people posting on it - discussing whether the OP was referring to her then ex in a previous post and whether it is the same dp in this thread, wtf?

It encourages more name-changing if posters feel justified to 'research' an OP to show her up. It looks to me that the previous threads did not go the way of the detective-playing posters and they now have an axe to grind against the OP.

I think good on the OP not to name change.

roundaboutthetown · 27/03/2018 15:40

If the OP's dh really, truly is an alcoholic who has never made a significant financial contribution to the relationship, can't stack dishes, hold down a job or feed his kids vegetables, I am wondering why on earth it is becoming a SAHD that will make her lose respect for him?! Surely it should have been his inability to do anything properly that did it? I'm not quite sure what she thinks she wants, now!! Most people would be talking about a divorce at this point. Any respect is long gone - the relationship by now must surely be surviving on pity and a sense of responsibility, unless the OP has deliberately avoided mentioning his good points.

PinotMwah · 27/03/2018 16:40

People talking about the OP's DH being a stay at home dad are missing the point.

He clearly isn't up to it. She doesn't trust him to do it. It doesn't sound much like he wants to do it either, and by the sounds of it she doesn't love him or even like him much any more. Hard to know, based on what she has said, whether she has impossibly high standards or whether he's a cocklodger or somewhere in the middle. But they, collectively, have bigger problems than who will do the childcare.

Also if he did become the SAHP and they split he would likely get the lion's share of residency, which doesn't sound like a happy outcome for anyone.

On that basis the OP would be well-advised to take the job, make as much money as possible and pay nannies/childminders.

cooldarkroom · 27/03/2018 19:33

I confess to looking up OPs other threads if only to try & understand the their job situation, I found one on the crazy VTT bike thing.
So presumably she also was financing this..
Anyway OP has been frightened off, so this thread is done.

SusanDelfino · 27/03/2018 20:00

Why are people saying if one parent works away the other parent can't work full-time? What do you reckon single parents do? They get childcare to fit in with full-time work. So In this case, the OP should be able to take the new job, the husband can work too and the kids go to childcare.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 28/03/2018 07:30

Yes, that’s what we single parents do, but I can tell you it is extremely difficult and you really need to have an “I can do” attitude or a very supportive network of relatives/friends to help you out when you are stuck. Neither of which had been mentioned by the OP yet.

Problem here is that she already knows she can’t trust him with the children and the marriage is on its way out (whether that takes months or years). Not the best time to be away of home for weeks at a time.

Momo27 · 28/03/2018 09:37

OP - if you’re saying you want a partnership where you both have a balance of working, and also doing a reasonable share of household and child responsibility, then there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. It’s what many of us choose to do. I wouldn’t want the pressure of being sole earner but neither would I want to give up my career completely.

Whether that’s achievable with your dh is a different matter. Sounds like you have huge problems way beyond this

UnsuspectedItem · 28/03/2018 09:41

I'd take the job purely on the basis that you clearly dislike your husband and so it would be sensible to be as independent as possible for leaving him.

orangesmartieseggs · 28/03/2018 09:46

They get childcare to fit in with full-time work. So In this case, the OP should be able to take the new job, the husband can work too and the kids go to childcare.

It's not always that easy. Lots of jobs start before childcare opens, and finish after it closes. My parents worked full-time when I was growing up but had to negotiate different hours in order to get me to/from childcare everyday, and not all employers can be that flexible.

I think if you take a job that requires you to work away (as in overnight on a regular basis) you have to accept you're going to have less influence on the domestic front. You don't get to go away for days/weeks on end with work and decide exactly how things are done at home at the same time. The parent at home on the front line decides what's for dinner, when bedtime is and whether DC are well enough for school (or not).

OP's problem is she doesn't feel she can trust her partner on the domestic front - in which case, why is she considering taking a job which means he'll have no choice but to take over that side of things? The house isn't going to run itself while she's away!

Momo27 · 28/03/2018 09:56

The house won’t run itself, true. But it might be that the new job will mean they can afford a nanny, or really flexible childcare (If both children are school age, then perhaps a childminder for before and after school would be more flexible.) Plus cleaner, paying for ironing to be done etc

There are ways around it and it doesn’t mean one parent having to not work at all. If it were a joint decision, and both partners are happy with one being sole earner and one taking on all the domestic side of things then that’s different. But the OP doesn’t want to be sole earner and it sounds like her dh is work shy rather than seriously wanting to run the home.

Like I said, absolutely fair enough to want a partnership where the earning and other responsibilities are shared between you. I’m not sure it’s possible in the OPs case because it sounds like there’s big problems in the relationship

orangesmartieseggs · 28/03/2018 10:06

True - I guess it just depends what you can afford once the necessities are paid for.

StaplesCorner · 28/03/2018 11:19

Darn it, we've lost the OP again

Fairenuff · 28/03/2018 17:12

When the OP disappears from their own thread it's a bit of a sign that it's not going the way they wanted.

Original poster

CookieDoughKid · 29/03/2018 19:18

Hello! I'm back. Sorry for the stereo silence, work has been full on with financial year end plus I've managed to write off the side of my car (my own fault completely).

I appreciate everyone's contribution. It has really helped to clarify my thoughts, sometimes when you can't see the wood for the trees. Basically, it boiled down to my dh, by his own default and NOT even my agreement or even a discussion, by default just staying at home... SAHD? Yes. And as I said before, the home domestics just wasn't being taken care of (like it's just not acceptable for my kids to have pizza everyday and no veg in MY book) and as someone pointed out earlier, well done on the research..., dh is an alcoholic (now a few years free). Staying at home is not an option for him. It's not good for him, it'll will trigger depression and the bottle. I'm well aware that the way our relationship had been going, if a separation was to happen, I'd have ended up supporting him! Sorry but no... if you think I got it wrong there...I'm not into that at all.

I've declined the job now. Yes, I am sad by it. But I had a family, and it's my choice to put them first. Being away 2 weeks out of 4 , I think I would have really regretted not seeing my children. But I think it's OK to feel regret about such exciting job opportunities. I'm truly grateful for all that I have but wonder what I could accomplish with no kids. It's OK to feel that isn't it?

Dh has 2 job interviews this week. He will not be short of job offers at all, he works in Machine Learning and Big Data Analytics and it would just be a waste not to pursue it....

Have a fab Easter folks. And thanks once again for your input. If I'm slow...it's not because I'm ignoring Mumsnet!!

OP posts:

Original poster

CookieDoughKid · 29/03/2018 19:25

Momo27 Exactly Momo. Not straightforward with my dh. He getc headhunted, it's not like he needs to job hunt (they were in his inbox waiting for his response!) . You nailed it in your 09:37 post. I think my dh, would never work again if I was to let it slide. Even if we had no children, and had the money to live off my income, it will still be an issue for me.

OP posts:

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