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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To decline a new job role

196 replies

CookieDoughKid · 26/03/2018 08:15

I have been headhunted for an amazing job role, it carries lot of weight as a next career step but involves 30 to 40% travelling in the EU. I don't think these jobs come round often. I have passed first round interviews.

My dh got made redundant in Jan with very little pay off. He is making no effort to look for a new job and I don't want him to be a stay at home dad. He is in prime earning years and I will lose respect for him if he stays at home. I don't know how I have ended up with a man child. I feel my workplace success has made life too easy for him and we have been here before. He gets fired or made redundant and we spend months skirting around the subject of work before I blow my top off and literally kick him out for him to start job hunting.

I'm gutted to decline job role. We have dcs. But I don't want to be the sole breadwinner. How do so many men end up like that? I swear to God my son will NOT be like his father.

I am that close to texting his mum to say something about her son.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 26/03/2018 10:58

In seriousness, do yo actually see a future for your marriage? Your dh clearly doesn’t meet your ideals in a quite fundamental way. If he gets a job now it sounds highly likely that the same pattern will repeat itself over and over.

Take the job if it’s offered to you IF you can sort out childcare which is independent of dh otherwise you may risk him claiming to be their main carer. This depends on their age to some extent.

Good luck with both.

Inthedeepdarkwinter · 26/03/2018 10:59

Also, he only got made redundant in Jan! And if the family aren't short of money, why is the OP trying to push him into a role that might then scupper her role in this new job?

Better to decide as a family if you want this new job, and then think what type of work he would need to make this work.

He was made redundant this time, which is not actually his fault, is it?

I don't see anywhere about him being a poor parent or father, which in my eyes is a worse accusation than being a bit crap at housework, which could easily be solved by a cleaner once a week and him working part- or even full time with additional childcare, once the 'main job' has been sorted out.

ShatnersWig · 26/03/2018 11:00

Collaborate I was not making a negative comment about ANY actual stay at home parent. What I am talking about is why people marry and have kids with lazy fuckers who won't pull their weight, which is what this bloke sounded like to me from the outset and which the OP's update pretty much confirms.

Fairenuff · 26/03/2018 11:00

I can't imagine a man posting that he wanted to take a high paying job that took him away from his family for a considerable amount of time but didn't want to leave his children in the care of his wife because she didn't iron to his standards would get the same responses on here, such as ditch her and get a nanny Shock

Inthedeepdarkwinter · 26/03/2018 11:04

Live- in nannies don't look after children for extended periods when the parent is actually absent for a week or more, though, do they? Surely they work set hours and clock off!

I think on the basis of what the OP has posted, she wants simultaneously two things: a supportive partner happy to support a highly ambitious woman who wants a career with international travel and a highly ambitious man who wants to work full/time/progress his own career. Unless you literally pay an army of nannies/cleaners and housekeepers, these two things are more or less incompatible unless you are exceptionally lucky and can do the second job from home.

I'm all for leaving abusive/incompatible men, but I'm missing what he's done that is so terrible, really. Tonnes of women work part-time to support their families and husbands in doing the primary breadwinner role. I know almost none where one works abroad 30/40% of the time and the other works f/t in a demanding role. There is no reason the dad cannot take the more home-based role here, or work p/t, in fact, it's hard to see how he could not if the support for the wife needs to be in place.

StealthPolarBear · 26/03/2018 11:06

And presumably if they split the dh would be likely to get custody?

Bekabeech · 26/03/2018 11:08

The right kind of Nanny could certainly take up the slack here (probably with a cleaner etc.).
So why not take the job, and deal with the husband situation.

And why not let him parents and take care of the home the way he wants? I became a SAHM because it was the only way to make things work with my DH's job which involved frequent travel.

TomRavenscroft · 26/03/2018 11:10

Take the job if you want it and seriously think about ditching the DH. What the fuck do you get out of a relationship with a person who you have to kick out to make them job-hunt? Confused

Fairenuff · 26/03/2018 11:10

I think OP shows quite a lot of contempt for her dh. She does not even see him as an adult which is why she was going to tell on him to his mother. With this high lack of respect, I think they should consider separating.

However. OP has still not thought about who is going to be looking after her children whilst she is away. Maybe she should just turn the job down as it doesn't seem compatible with family life.

Happymummy1991 · 26/03/2018 11:17

fairenuff I completely agree!
If exactly the same things were said by OP but the genders were reversed and OP was a man talking about his wife he would be ripped to shreds.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 26/03/2018 11:19

I can imagine how you feel resentful, you cannot take this job because he is not pulling his weight at work neither at home.

I’m going to be flamed but I will say it anyway:

  1. You have lost the respect for your husband already. Is not going to come back, at least not easily. You two splitting is just a matter of time, unless you like mothering your man (some women do, no problem with that, but it doesn’t strike as something you can happily do)

  2. you can’t take that job, it will be the end of your marriage and you will need to leave the job anyway to pay more attention to the children as your OH has already proven he doesn’t have what it takes to take care of the kids adequately for a few hours let alone for a few weeks.

  3. if you split while you have this traveling job. He will be classed, rightly, as the resident parent.

My suggestion is therefore to:

  • find a non traveling job with good family oriented conditions to raise your kids on your own (you already do everything, I can assure you, you won’t feel any change on the amount of home related jobs you do)
  1. stop supporting a work shy unhelpful manchild. He is not going to change. You can keep him as a 1930s wife or dump him if that is not the kind of man you want to your side.

So it is a matter of what you care most for, sadly, a job that you may enjoy tremendously or been able to ensure your kids are well cared for.

I chose my child, and it is good that I did, the bloody idiot he had for a father was so selfish he was never able to put the needs of his son first -ever!-

tiggytape · 26/03/2018 11:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sallythesheep73 · 26/03/2018 11:21

I am away alot with my job and DH is a SAHD. If one of you is away you need to have someone around for picking up the kids, dealing with snow days etc. Unless you have relatives / nanny.
Having a house husband in our case is not the same as a house wife. I used to work 5 days a week and then have to clean on the weekend so now we have a cleaner! DH does food shopping and cooking. I do laundry.
It is knackering and no I dont think he pulls his weight enough but we struggle on through and I get to keep my interesting job.
I wouldn't can a decent job because your angry with your DH. Take the job and then tackle the DH.

Puttheknifedown · 26/03/2018 11:22

It's quite a big thing to lose your job through redundancy, it's probably impacted him psychologically. Can you have an open dialogue about your concerns? Would a cleaner/housekeeper make things better to cover the bits you're worried about?

Obviously he needs to go back to work but perhaps he's struggling right now and needs some encouragement. Sounds like it's all possible but you're used to being in control and find it hard to relinquish it - I'm the same. I have also been the main breadwinner and am now in your DH's position and it's pretty awful.

I hope you take the job, sounds like you've earned it and it's very important for you not to resent him even more by turning it down.

Brokenbiscuit · 26/03/2018 11:23

I get it, OP. I am the higher earner in our family by far, but I definitely would not like DH to be a SAHP. Fine if that's what works for other families, that's none of my business, but personally, I prefer a more equal approach to sharing paid and domestic work.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 26/03/2018 11:25

I wholeheartedly support the idea of a cleaner or nanny if you can afford it. It is the pillar of good balanced relationships.

There are no discussions about inequality at home when someone else is doing the shores. Plenty of free time for family life too.

StealthPolarBear · 26/03/2018 11:26

Put the knife down why does he need to go back to work

Fairenuff · 26/03/2018 11:29

I agree with NotSure.

Look at the needs of the children first and how you can meet them. Then work your career around that.

Puttheknifedown · 26/03/2018 11:29

It's everyone's right to choose Stealth, but the OP has already said that they've tried it before and it didn't work out. She hasn't said he wants to be a sahp I don't think...

WorraLiberty · 26/03/2018 11:34

Did he literally do no washing, ironing, cooking, cleaning the last time he tried being a SAHP?

Or do you just have differing standards?

Fairenuff · 26/03/2018 11:34

To be fair, OP hasn't really said very much at all. Just had a massive rant.

PPs have raised lots of valid points which maybe OP hasn't thought about.

orangesmartieseggs · 26/03/2018 11:38

It's everyone's right to choose Stealth, but the OP has already said that they've tried it before and it didn't work out.

But if her job is going to take her out of the country for days/weeks at a time, can her DH realistically hold down a full-time job? Who's going to take the kids to school/childcare, deal with INSET/snow days/sick days?

Jobs that take one parent out of the country/out of the house overnight often require the other person to stay home, or at least sacrifice their earning potential in order to be around for the kids. Unless you can afford 24/7 childcare, that is.

Fairenuff · 26/03/2018 11:43

If OP's dh wanted to do the same as her, who would look after the children?

This is the crux of the matter.

OP wants him to be high flying but also wants him grounded, wants him to be better at housework and childcare, wants him available for the children but also wants him holding down a respected job. How can he do all that on his own? And why should he if it's not what he wants either?

StaplesCorner · 26/03/2018 11:44

Watching with interest - I have a similar dilemma although my kids are older and I think we must be a lot older than you OP as my my DH is semi-retired, but we still need him to work part time. I've been offered a job with some travelling over night in the UK, and I know he will do bugger all whilst I am away, cause problems with DDs and then use my being out as an excuse to not get a job "how can I get a job when you are away so much?"

But first and foremost I am asking myself do I want the more high powered job (was offered 3 jobs)? Would you love to do it, is it your dream job, or are you doing for it because you think you should? I had that dilemma as well - if offered such a good job I thought surely I should take it, even though I don't like travelling at all (even in the UK) - its my "big chance"; I almost felt obliged to take it.

Anyway I have to make my decisions this week. So back to the headline here - do you actually really want that great job?

StickyHandPrintsOnMyFace · 26/03/2018 11:45

Mate, if you are away 40% of the time, you won't notice how he stacks dishes or cooks meals. And because you aren't there, he'll have to do the jobs, because at 7 and 9, your kids will give him hell if they have the wrong uniform. Take the job and leave him to it.