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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To decline a new job role

196 replies

CookieDoughKid · 26/03/2018 08:15

I have been headhunted for an amazing job role, it carries lot of weight as a next career step but involves 30 to 40% travelling in the EU. I don't think these jobs come round often. I have passed first round interviews.

My dh got made redundant in Jan with very little pay off. He is making no effort to look for a new job and I don't want him to be a stay at home dad. He is in prime earning years and I will lose respect for him if he stays at home. I don't know how I have ended up with a man child. I feel my workplace success has made life too easy for him and we have been here before. He gets fired or made redundant and we spend months skirting around the subject of work before I blow my top off and literally kick him out for him to start job hunting.

I'm gutted to decline job role. We have dcs. But I don't want to be the sole breadwinner. How do so many men end up like that? I swear to God my son will NOT be like his father.

I am that close to texting his mum to say something about her son.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 26/03/2018 09:09

Why can't he get an easier job and pick up the slack at home?
Do you have no respect for women who are SAHMs, allowing their other halves to have high flying careers?

sonjadog · 26/03/2018 09:10

Do not pass up on the job to spite your DH. You will end up regretting that big time.

Believeitornot · 26/03/2018 09:10

How can you have a job which takes you out of the country so much and not have stable consistently childcare ie your partner at home?

If the kids are sick, you can’t pick up the slack in such a job.

So having your DH home would be a great thing.

Collaborate · 26/03/2018 09:11

The question is not How do so many men end up like that? but "Why do so many women end up marrying and having children with men like that?" because the majority didn't suddenly become like that overnight.

You've gone and done it now. You should now appear on every thread in which a woman has chosen to become a SAHM, unless it's only SAHDs that you have a problem with.

Bluelady · 26/03/2018 09:11

I was tagged KitKat.

KatharinaRosalie · 26/03/2018 09:16

I don't quite get why unemployed DH would mean you can't take the amazing job? Do you have to be there every morning to see he gets out of bed?

montenotte · 26/03/2018 09:16

so who'll be looking after your kids whilst you spend nearly half your time in the EU?
And if anything like my job, you'll be expected to get a very early flight to have you in the European office as early as possible, 6am flights, 5am at Heathrow (or the night before) travelling back in the evening.

Fine if you're happy to but i can't honestly see how you expect to have a full time working partner AND kids if you take this job.

SharronNeedles · 26/03/2018 09:16

I don't understand. What does he want? Does he want to be a SAHD? Why do you get to make that decision for him?

GinIsIn · 26/03/2018 09:17

Shatners that doesn’t prove the DH is a cocklodger, just that the OP judges him for not having a job.

OP is he a good SAHD? Can you afford for him to be? Would it benefit your family? If the answer to those is yes, then why is it such a bad choice and why can’t you respect him for it?

Happymummy1991 · 26/03/2018 09:20

I'm a bit confused by this post tbh. Why would you lose respect for him for being a SAHD? What's wrong with being a SAHD? Also what has his mum got to do with it?

Eatsleepworkrepeat · 26/03/2018 09:26

If you're unhappily married to a man child the worst thing you could do is let your resentment drag your career down. Take the job if you get it, work hard in it and progress your career further, while he takes primary responsibility for the children. If your marriage doesn't survive you will be much better off for it.

ShatnersWig · 26/03/2018 09:28

Fenella No, I think the OP judges him for not making any effort to go and find ANOTHER job each time he gets fired or is made redundant until after several months she has to blow her top. Where's his self pride? Where is his desire to support his family? He's a grown man with children and his priority is not sitting around doing fuck all for months at a time but getting on his arse looking for another job. Being made redundant (I assume twice based on the OP) is one thing but also being fired? Taking it altogether I think the "possible cocklodger" or at least "lazy fucker" is perfectly reasonable POSSIBILITY.

expatinscotland · 26/03/2018 09:31

Be honest with yourself, is he the type of person who would take SAHP to mean Do The Bare Minimum Parent? Is the problem that he's an inherently lazy person and this is why you'd lose respect for him? Because if this is the case, then you need to make sure you always have a good job. It might be better for all if you split, take the job and then hire a nanny and au pair, and cheaper. It's all well and good saying, 'Why can't he be a SAHD?' but if the reality is that he'll use the role to do FA bar the bare minimum with the kids and in the lifework and generally skive off, then there's every reason for him not to become a SAHP.

Inthedeepdarkwinter · 26/03/2018 09:33

Could he work part-time from home?

If you are intending on being away 30/40% of the time, they will need one primary carer and it won't be you nearly half the time.

I don't think having a husband at home would be a bad idea. The only family I know where the woman travels this much indeed does have the husband as a SAHP who works part time consultancy work but is there for the children.

If your husband was as ambitious as you, he's also not be there much, so no-one would be there.

He might be a crap SAHP for all I know, but that's a different issue I think than him wanting to stay home/being around for the children.

This would be a hard job just to cover with nannies, surely?

TheHulksPurplePants · 26/03/2018 09:35

Why are you turning the job down? Surely the fact that he's at home makes the job easier to take because you don't have to worry about childcare?

tootiredtospeak · 26/03/2018 09:35

Hmmm I really want my kids in childcare when their Dad could look after them. Seems like he wants that role and you can afford it. You clearly see him as a freeloader maybe he sees you as a moneygrabber. Who knows but it doesnt sound like two adults sitting down and being grown up about whats best for their kids.

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 26/03/2018 09:36

Would the travel involved in the new job be feasible if he was working full time?

Why would you involve his family?

DarkRoomDarren · 26/03/2018 09:38

If your marriage doesn't survive you will be much better off for it.

Very good point!

I’m a sahm and I’ve really not had much of a career so far as we’ve followed dh’s job around the country, involving several moves from city to city.

I know some people think I’m living on easy street, but I actually think it’s a massive gamble - if my dh decides to divorce me and leave me with no support, I’d really struggle to find a job which would go anywhere near covering the costs to feed, clothe, house our family. My dcs aren’t at school yet and we have no family nearby, so getting a job now doesn’t make sense yet. When I finally do get one, I think I’ll have to retrain at this rate. My degree is utterly useless now as I’ve never used it since I graduated.

Much as I love being at home with my dcs, I definitely don’t see it as the cushy way out.

expatinscotland · 26/03/2018 09:38

'Why are you turning the job down? Surely the fact that he's at home makes the job easier to take because you don't have to worry about childcare?'

Because from the sounds of it he'll use her job as an excuse to loaf at home doing next to nothing under the pretext of being a SAHP. Then she will be saddled with him for life because if they split and he's been in that role, however shit he is at it, he'll get the kids FT and she'll be stumping up the maintenace.

appleblossomtree · 26/03/2018 09:39

My husband respects me massively for being a SAHP and putting my career aside. I like looking after children. Does your husband enjoy this role too?

Do you want the job? That's a completely separate issue.

Have you both agreed to work. Again that's another issue. He can still look for work if you take this job.

Echobelly · 26/03/2018 09:43

I don't understand why you can't take the job? Because you think he won't try to get a job if you do?

Is it laziness that's stopping your DH getting a job? Or could be maybe be depressed about the history of redundancies/job losses and is giving up.

My husband had a rough patch where a few jobs in a row just didn't work out. As it happens, he didn't get depressed and always kept looking for something new (and is about to return to permanent work after a few years contracting), but I can see it would be easy for someone to get depressed and demotivated in that position.

I think the thing to do is to take the job and to communicate better with your other half so you can maybe support him to get more motivated or to overcome depression if that's the case? Maybe some time being a SAHD might be good for him? Not having a go, I totally understand you are feeling frustrated and disappointed in him but it sounds like you've had difficulty talking to him about this frustration, and I totally get that it's hard, I'm really not good at it myself. Good luck.

Mix56 · 26/03/2018 09:43

Hmmm.
Reverse the roles, Husband refuses to accept a better job as doesn't want DW to stay at home.......
I think you should look at the 2 issues independently.
You sound fed up that he isn't looking for work & is relying on you bringing in the salary. Not bothered.
You sound happy & ready for this new job challenge & will resent him one way or the other
Apart from the money/job situation, Do you still want to be in a marriage with him ?
& finally, if you separate he will get custody as he is the SAHP. & you will have to give him money

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/03/2018 09:44

It must be pretty demoralising to be sacked/made redundant repeatedly. My friends dh was made redundant twice. He’s seriously lacking self belief. Do you have compassion for his circumstances? Are you a team? How is he with the children? With you?

Happygolucky009 · 26/03/2018 09:48

Silly to turn it down if its such a great job.

Although I guess the pressure of the job, travel and being main breadwinner may make it unattractive and so blaming your husband and his lack of career at the moment is the perfect cop out Hmm

RidingWindhorses · 26/03/2018 09:50

There are two issues wrt respect for your husband - the fact he keeps losing jobs and not looking for new ones. The second is the issue of being a SAHM which is a role perfectly deserving of respect.

You don't respect your husband for legitimate reasons but that's not tied to SAH parenting.

I don't see the point of continuing a relationship with someone you do t respect.