To decline a new job role

[CookieDoughKid]

I have been headhunted for an amazing job role, it carries lot of weight as a next career step but involves 30 to 40% travelling in the EU. I don't think these jobs come round often. I have passed first round interviews.

My dh got made redundant in Jan with very little pay off. He is making no effort to look for a new job and I don't want him to be a stay at home dad. He is in prime earning years and I will lose respect for him if he stays at home. I don't know how I have ended up with a man child. I feel my workplace success has made life too easy for him and we have been here before. He gets fired or made redundant and we spend months skirting around the subject of work before I blow my top off and literally kick him out for him to start job hunting.

I'm gutted to decline job role. We have dcs. But I don't want to be the sole breadwinner. How do so many men end up like that? I swear to God my son will NOT be like his father.

I am that close to texting his mum to say something about her son.

He sounds like a cocklodger. If he becomes SAHD, would he become the main carer? Then if you leave him, would you have to pay him maintenance and would he get the house?

According to the majority on here I thought being a stay at home parent was a full time job?
Will you expect him to do meal planning and passport renewals ?
The hypocrisy and double standards are outstanding from so many of you !

Yes but he's out of work and at home at the moment and OP is still doing the bloody housework! What's the betting the housework will be waiting for her when she comes back from business trips?

How is OP harsh?

It sounds like the timing is quite good here for you OP. Your DH gets made redundant when you are considering a new job where it would be beneficial for him to be re-assessing his role in order to support you in that new job.
You have said that you are not prepared to lower your standards regarding housework. Well how is that possible with a new job where you would work away from home? You won't have the time to do as much housework so you will have to leave it in the hands of either DH or a cleaner who may not have the same standards as you.
To be honest it sounds as though you would love to take the job but unfortunately it won't really work for you or your family. And because of the resentment you have for DH (for various reasons be they reasonable or unreasonable) you want to blame the fact that you can't take this job on him. It doesn't sound like your marriage is a particularly healthy one I'm afraid.

I do a similar job in terms of travel to what your new position will be and my husband has a small part-time job (which I insisted on because I know he would get depressed - he was a bit of a workaholic until I took over the main earner thing), but and this is the annoying thing, the whole house thing has gone to pot. We still have full-time childcare and my dh doesn't pick up the slack at all. To have a clean house and some sense of order I would have to spend my weekends doing it. I don't.

But....I don't have to worry about the kids etc. I just get on and do my job. This is incredibly important. I wouldn't give up the role because of resentment, because you'll just resent him more. I would take the role and he would have to step up.

OP, you are right to think very carefully about taking up a job which entrenches your dh as a SAHP/primary carer and you as sole breadwinner, particularly IF you were going to divorce him at some time in the future.

You would come out badly in the divorce courts, as breadwinner men traditionally have where the wife has given up work, both financially and most heartbreakingly, on the residential front especially since your dcs are still pretty young. On divorce, you may end up the weekend parent if the children's interests in staying with the primary caregiver are taken into account.

Fine if the decision for your dh to SAHP is mutual. But it clearly is not in this case. Your reluctantly compensating for his failings as a provider may backfire on you big time on a divorce.

If you think divorce is anywhere on the horizon, might be worth talking to a solicitor, if only to ensure you are forewarned and armed.

when he was a SAHP she had to do all the cleaning and laundry, that he cannot (be arsed) to ensure his children eat vegetables or iron or stack the dishwasher properly

That might be your interpretation but some of us think that the OP is struggling to accept that not everyone is perfect, not every kid eats their vegetables, not every person stacks the dishwasher the same way and not everyone irons. These are just her preferences and they don't trump her dh's. OP sounds controlling and belittling:

'My wife got made redundant in Jan with very little pay off. She is making no effort to look for a new job and I don't want her to be a stay at home mum. She is in prime earning years and I will lose respect for her if she stays at home.'

'I don't know how I have ended up with a woman child. I feel my workplace success has made life too easy for her and we have been here before. She gets fired or made redundant and we spend months skirting around the subject of work before I blow my top off and literally kick her out for her to start job hunting.'

'I'm gutted to decline job role. We have dcs. But I don't want to be the sole breadwinner. How do so many women end up like that? I swear to God my daughter will NOT be like her mother.'

'I am that close to texting her dad to say something about his daughter'

With the sexes reversed you can see how it reads very differently.

There is nothing in there about discussion. It's all control, contempt and criticism.

If the partner was a woman people would be saying that they may be depressed, needed support and that OP was possibly even being abusive.

I doubt it's just the dish washer & the ironing though, I assume it's the "incompetent husband scenario", a sort of half baked deliberate incompetency. Meaning OP still undertakes all the jobs & organising.
If you're talking about a DH who is swanning about or playing Golf all day, & his only real SAHP task is being in when the kids get home & letting them get on with it till bedtime.
OP is inevitably going to feel like the whole weight is on her shoulders.
If he isn't able to be a vaguely decent SAHP, She has 3 kids not 2.

There is nothing in there about discussion. It's all control, contempt and criticism.

I believe the OP has already gone down the discussion route and been down this route many times. The OP's frustration with her dh sounds justified and more deep-seated.

OP: He gets fired or made redundant and we spend months skirting around the subject of work before I blow my top off and literally kick him out for him to start job hunting.

It would be the same if the roles were reversed. The decision for her dh to SAHD is not mutual. He is forcing it on her by dragging his feet.

No, because he's making no effort to look for a new job, won't talk properly about work but 'skirts around the subject' instead, and the OP has to push him out the door or he wouldn't go job-hunting.

He only got made redundant 2 months ago, with a pay out.

He sounds like a cocklodger

WTF? Do you know what the term 'cocklodger' means?

This bloke has been earning shit loads of money during the marriage, as has the OP.

Now he's been made redundant and hasn't actually said he wants to be a SAHD again anyway.

Don'tMakeMeShushYou--You've summed up pretty much what I was going to say.

I read somewhere that one reason women still aren't advancing in work is because they feel the need to micromanage things at home as well as their FT job. And not only are they exhausted, but the recipient of said micromanaging (DH/DP) gets pretty fed up as well. I've been on the receiving end of work micromanagementwhere the stuff was a difference in style rather than fundamental qualityand believe me, it didn't exactly encourage me.

Children out without restriction dealing drugs? Poor parenting. Children not eating to an exact meal plan? Meh.

DP is SAHP, mainly because he's several years past state retirement age (although I'm guessing the OP would think of that as a poor excuse ). Most days I come home to a few things I wouldn't have done on my parenting days (eg more cake and less running about than I'd like). But I come home to a happy, safe, fed, well-dressed DD--and that's what counts.
(Incidentally, despite being the WOHP and one-time high-flyer, I have only ironed about 3 things in the past 5 years. It really is no indication of someone's intellect or capacity for hard work, let alone basic worth. Indeed, I pride myself for having seen through the waste of time it generally is. )

Finally, be very wary of the whole "Ditch the husband, set up home with an army of staff, cut him out of the picture." recommendations. Even if you don't care about demonising a man whose worst fault may be a bit of laziness (ffs, there are mothers who are drug addicts and violent alcoholics who get cut more slack), it may come back to bite you if the children later get a different picture from someone else...

That might be your interpretation but some of us think that the OP is struggling to accept that not everyone is perfect

On fuck all evidence.

Reverse the sexes and the situation is exactly the same.

Miss, if he acts like this (irresponsible and immature) about work/redundancy/job-hunting, then perhaps the OP isn't convinced that he'd make a responsible SAHP.

Worra, WRT the redundancy, the OP says it's happened more than once.

On fuck all evidence.

The whole thread is fuck all evidence. OP has only posted a couple of times and no-one knows who the hell she thinks is going to be looking after the children if she won't 'let' her dh do it.

With all those asking how the children will be looked after when OP is away, have you wondered how working lone parents cope? There is no 'extra' parent and they go to work as well as sort sick days, parent's evening, pick ups. No body NEEDS to be a SAHP. Of course if it works for the family for one income to look after the family and the working partner is HAPPY with it, that's fine. In other cases, kids can go to nursery, school, after school clubs, childminders etc if needs be.

So when OP is away, her husband can work AND look after the children - millions of women around the world do it all the time.

The important thing is that the OP is not happy to earn 'family' money alone. He doesn't need to be on standby at home for the child to cough and need collecting.

I can't imagine a man posting that he wanted to take a high paying job that took him away from his family for a considerable amount of time but didn't want to leave his children in the care of his wife because she didn't iron to his standards would get the same responses on here, such as ditch her and get a nanny shock this. And telling the op to ditch the husband and get a nanny is fucking laughable. Because every high earning male gets divorced gets to take the children and tell the sahm stbex itll be Thursdays and EOW. FUCK OFF. If your dh is doing not at work and responsible for the children a majority of time due to ops work commitments (whether to OPs standards or not) he will be seen as the resident parent, not the OP just because she is a woman ffs.

'Yes, your honour, I want a full custody. Yes I will be away for long periods of the time, but I will have paid staff instead of their other parent (who wants to be a SAHP) taking care of them, as he can't stack the dishwasher propely'

Hmm, I don't think 'leave him and get a nanny' will necessarily work out that well.

The whole thread is fuck all evidence

I'm going on what the OP has actually written on the thread. You have invented an imaginary narrative un-supported by the text that appears to be more about you than the OP.

WorldOfTofuness thanks for your post. You've actually made my day. I am rethinking my silly little irritations and annoyances and seeing them for the futile things that they are. Huzzah!

Doesn't iron to the required standards or failed in the role of SAHP role full stop? OP was still doing the cleaning and laundry, the ironing, he can't even apparently feed the children vegetables.

Worra to be fair re: this This bloke has been earning shit loads of money during the marriage those of us who are fairly down on the bloke aren't aware of this; there is nothing in this thread from the OP to indicate that, so we're going on what we read here, not other knowledge you have discovered. Do you also know why he was fired previously?

I don't know anyone who has been made redundant twice and who has also been fired and I'm in my mid-40s. But the fact remains that despite him earning big bucks previously, he clearly pulls very little weight around the house and can't be arsed to get off his arse to find another job, which is what any self-respecting adult, but especially a parent, should be doing.

Lone parents can't take jobs that involve them spending 40% of their time away from home, so that argument's out of the window.

I actually feel sorry for Mr OP. He's had the misfortune to be be made redundant more than once, it's happened to me and it's soul destroying. His ironing and dish stacking skills aren't perfect, mine probably aren't either but they're good enough.

I can't see how you could take this job if he's pursuing a high flying career, OP. Why not cut him some slack, agree that he works part time or as a SAHP while your kids are relatively young? Throw yourself into your dream job, safe in the knowledge that your children are being looked after by someone who loves as much as you do.

I get what you mean, but I just cannot see why g=he shouldn't have the option of being a SAHD if he wants? Why should the op get to dictate this?

Because the default in any relationship has to be that both parents share paid work, childcare and domestic tasks equally. One person can't just opt out of earning a living, unless they are independently wealthy of course and don't need the other person to support them financially. Just as one person can't just unilaterally opt out of looking after the kids or doing housework.

If one parent is to SAH, then both partners have to agree on that, surely?

Loves them!

Where does the OP say this bloke is making shit loads of money?