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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To decline a new job role

196 replies

CookieDoughKid · 26/03/2018 08:15

I have been headhunted for an amazing job role, it carries lot of weight as a next career step but involves 30 to 40% travelling in the EU. I don't think these jobs come round often. I have passed first round interviews.

My dh got made redundant in Jan with very little pay off. He is making no effort to look for a new job and I don't want him to be a stay at home dad. He is in prime earning years and I will lose respect for him if he stays at home. I don't know how I have ended up with a man child. I feel my workplace success has made life too easy for him and we have been here before. He gets fired or made redundant and we spend months skirting around the subject of work before I blow my top off and literally kick him out for him to start job hunting.

I'm gutted to decline job role. We have dcs. But I don't want to be the sole breadwinner. How do so many men end up like that? I swear to God my son will NOT be like his father.

I am that close to texting his mum to say something about her son.

OP posts:
YellowFlower201 · 26/03/2018 11:45

You seem to have a lot of contempt for your husband. He's lost his job and might be feeling low and lacking self confidence. You are doing very well in your job. Maybe he feels inadequate and worried about his role in the family.
Being a SAHP is nothing to look down on. My dad was a great SAHD for a few years. OK things didn't all get done to my mum's standards but we muddled through. Eating vegetables every day and having uniforms ironed might seem important now but I don't think you'll look back in 10 years time and worry that those things didn't happen. Make sure you are clear about your expectations with him staying at home (i.e. you expect him to cook and clean and do the washing too). See what he says.... you might be able to come up with a great arrangement for everyone. Having a SAHD was fab!

SilverySurfer · 26/03/2018 11:46

I think people who are asking why your DH can't be a SAHD are maybe missing the point that he wouldn't be doing it because it was the right choice for the family but rather more because he is too lazy to find another job. In which case he is unlikely to do everything a SAHP would normally do, eg housework, washing, paperwork, cooking etc.

If he's just going to sit on his backside doing nothing but drop offs/pick ups, he's worse than useless and you would be better getting rid of him and getting live in, full time help, if you can afford it.

OliviaBenson · 26/03/2018 11:48

Have you discussed any of this with your H? He might not think it great either- if the roles were reversed and a man thinking of taking up a job with significant chunks away abroad there would be comments here.

You need to sit down and thrash this all out with him.

Fairenuff · 26/03/2018 11:50

If he's just going to sit on his backside doing nothing but drop offs/pick ups, he's worse than useless and you would be better getting rid of him and getting live in, full time help, if you can afford it.

You really think that aged 7 and 9 that is the best choice for their children? That they are raised, played with, listened to and put to bed by staff, rather than their own father who, according to OP, has actually nothing wrong with him other than not meeting her own high expectations?

StealthPolarBear · 26/03/2018 11:50

"
If he's just going to sit on his backside doing nothing but drop offs/pick ups, he's worse than useless and you would be better getting rid of him and getting live in, full time help, if you can afford it."

You're assuming she would get custody

itstimeforanamechange · 26/03/2018 11:50

Someone is hardly a loser of a husband because they don't like ironing, don't stack the dishes properly and don't have the knack of getting the kids to eat vegetables! Am I actually reading some of these posts properly?

In that case I am a loser of a wife because I don't like ironing either. Though I do iron ds' school shirts and trousers if DH doesn't get there first. He's a very slow and through ironer but it takes him most of a Sunday afternoon so I try to do it first as it takes me much less time and I just leave him to do his own shirts to his very high standards.

Anyway surely the way round the vegetables is to get the kids to have school dinners, they'll eat what they get given once they are hungry enough. Well maybe.

As for the ironing etc, get a cleaner and someone to iron things. It sounds like you'll be able to afford it.

I can understand that you don't want someone taking advantage but I'm always reading on here about marriage being teamwork and the SAH parent contributes as much as the working one does, and that's not just about ironing clothes, it's also about being around for the kids, taking them to activities and supervising homework. The housework is immaterial, really. He would still be facilitating your job if he was around for the kids - and maybe he could find some part-time or freelance work?

Fairenuff · 26/03/2018 11:52

He would get custody wouldn't he? As the main sahp?

Inthedeepdarkwinter · 26/03/2018 11:52

As children go towards the preteen and teen years, they need a lot of attention and stability. This doesn't lessen, even if they don't need constant supervision. Is it really ok just to have a live-in nanny to provide that emotional stability when a 12 year old is crying because she's not been invited to a party, or to needs to talk to a parent about something. This will happen, even if you are away and being on the phone isn't the same, I know I've done it! The real issue is who is going to provide stability at home if one parent is away a lot (30-40% is a lot of time and they may want more).

Live-in nannies or au pairs (not that an au pair would do sole care) are not parents! It's really bizarre that people are acting like you could just remove dad from the family home (where presumably he does do some caring) and the kids won't notice or be upset or devastated because: they've got a live in nanny instead!

I would have a family conference, or at least, you and your husband and thrash out all the options.

heateallthebuns · 26/03/2018 11:58

You sound crazy! Get a cleaner or send clothes to be laundered. If he's in charge of running the house it's really up to him how he stacks the dishwasher.

RidingWindhorses · 26/03/2018 12:02

Someone is hardly a loser of a husband because they don't like ironing, don't stack the dishes properly and don't have the knack of getting the kids to eat vegetables! Am I actually reading some of these posts properly?

Apparently not because the OP makes clear in her first post that he repeatedly loses jobs and then doesn't get off his arse to find another.

That when he was a SAHP she had to do all the cleaning and laundry, that he cannot (be arsed) to ensure his children eat vegetables or iron or stack the dishwasher properly.

It depends how low your expectations are I suppose, to me that is not even scraping acceptable.

RidingWindhorses · 26/03/2018 12:04

I think a live in nanny who works hard looking after the children and the house in OP's absence is an infinitely better role model than a deadbeat dad.

AutoFilled · 26/03/2018 12:04

If it’s the reverse, the reaction will not be the same, will it?

WorraLiberty · 26/03/2018 12:06

I think it's fair to say the OP has posted a lot about her and her DH being massively high earners and high achievers. Even her kids are massively high achieving, despite their young ages.

I honestly don't understand how she's going to manage to be away so much and keep up these high standards at home.

I think 'allowing' her DH to be a SAHP is probably the only option here and as others have said, no-one's going to care about how the dishwasher is stacked or whether he's run an iron over clean uniforms.

MissDuke · 26/03/2018 12:08

Deadbeat dad because he doesn't stack dishes to the op's liking? Or feed the children veg? Really? Confused

Why is the op's way the 'correct' way?

I think this whole thing is ridiculous. The op clearly wants the job or why would she have gone through with the interviews. Given she will be away so much, it is bizarre that she would fight against DH being a SAHD. Why on earth would you prefer that the children stay with a nanny if their own father can be there for them? OP has very old fashioned views of men, it is sad really.

TomRavenscroft · 26/03/2018 12:10

Deadbeat dad because he doesn't stack dishes to the op's liking? Or feed the children veg?

No, because he's making no effort to look for a new job, won't talk properly about work but 'skirts around the subject' instead, and the OP has to push him out the door or he wouldn't go job-hunting.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 26/03/2018 12:10

If my dh wanted to be a sahd, I think I could get used to it. But he hasn't proven himself on the domestic front. I work full time in my day job and still have to do all the laundry and cleaning. I am not prepared to lower my standards, I work hard and my children's uniform is always clean and ironed on a Sunday as are my work shirts. We tried to have dh stay at home and it didn't work out. For example, my dcs will never eat vegetables, and I'd have to re-stack the dishes.

I guess what I think I am more crossed about, is that I want some equality in this relationship and quite frankly, it's a real burden being the sole breadwinner.

I would suggest that your problem is that you want your DH to step up and be an equal partner but you also want to micromanage every domestic chore that he does. You say you want equality but it's very clear that you also want to be the boss. It will never work. The two are incompatible. You will always have a man-child if you treat him like one and then run off to his mum when you get frustrated. If you want him to take responsibility, give him responsibility. Accept that he will do tasks differently and not always to your exacting standards and accept that that is ok. The world will not end if your children's school shirts are not ironed. The world will not end if your plates are stacked differently. Trust me, as the main breadwinner in our family, I understand your frustration, but it won't get better if you treat your husband like another one of the kids.

Either that or continue to obsess about the way your dishes are stacked and give up a great career move. Whatever rocks your boat.

goingonabearhunt1 · 26/03/2018 12:10

Plenty of women are SAHMs and no-one thinks that's a bad thing. You haven't indicated in your OP that he is lazy with re to his children, only with regards to getting a job so unless there's a big dripfeed, I don't see why he can't be a SAHD and you can't take the job opportunity (or perhaps he can take a part-time job as a compromise). I don't understand why you wouldn't respect a man for staying home with his kids; maybe he'd be better suited to that than working outside the home, some people are.

tiggytape · 26/03/2018 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StealthPolarBear · 26/03/2018 12:11

Agree with dishwasher stacking being silly but feeding children properly is important.
I've just started a thread on it noodles but I do try to feed the dc meals that have vegetables in

Highhorse1981 · 26/03/2018 12:13

Cutting your nose off to spite your face

Springs to mind

MissDuke · 26/03/2018 12:15

Tom, I get what you mean, but I just cannot see why g=he shouldn't have the option of being a SAHD if he wants? Why should the op get to dictate this? The op seems to be pressuring him re salary and I don't think it is her place to do so. Obviously it needs to be looked at as a family, but the op has many times stated on previous threads that they are a very high earning family. Maybe the pressure is not too much for him?

I don't believe most women would face this pressure if they wanted to spend more time at home with their children.

MissDuke · 26/03/2018 12:18

If my husband turned down a higher paid job just because he didn't want to give me the opportunity to be able to stay at home with the children, I would be furious and would seriously consider LTB.

OP you clearly feel your dh isn't good enough for you. This is the issue here.

PlumsGalore · 26/03/2018 12:27

It doesn't sound like he wants to or is up to being a SAHD, sounds like he just wants to be a bloke that brunches, a kept man, a layabout.

I wouldn't be happy either.

Wallywobbles · 26/03/2018 12:30

Not RTFT yet. Take the, leave the H and get a proper childcare/au pair, nanny in place.

Mookatron · 26/03/2018 12:31

If you are away 30 - 40% of the time and you are expecting him to work full time you are asking a lot. I'm sure it's doable but it won't be fun.

Sounds like it's not a husband you want, it's staff. And staff may not (probably won't) love your children.

Being made redundant every few months does not sound like an easy life for him, either. You sound extremely harsh tbh and if you were a man with a wife I would say the same thing.

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