To decline a new job role

[CookieDoughKid]

I have been headhunted for an amazing job role, it carries lot of weight as a next career step but involves 30 to 40% travelling in the EU. I don't think these jobs come round often. I have passed first round interviews.

My dh got made redundant in Jan with very little pay off. He is making no effort to look for a new job and I don't want him to be a stay at home dad. He is in prime earning years and I will lose respect for him if he stays at home. I don't know how I have ended up with a man child. I feel my workplace success has made life too easy for him and we have been here before. He gets fired or made redundant and we spend months skirting around the subject of work before I blow my top off and literally kick him out for him to start job hunting.

I'm gutted to decline job role. We have dcs. But I don't want to be the sole breadwinner. How do so many men end up like that? I swear to God my son will NOT be like his father.

I am that close to texting his mum to say something about her son.

Brokenbiscuit: Because the default in any relationship has to be that both parents share paid work, childcare and domestic tasks equally. One person can't just opt out of earning a living, unless they are independently wealthy of course and don't need the other person to support them financially. Just as one person can't just unilaterally opt out of looking after the kids or doing housework.

If one parent is to SAH, then both partners have to agree on that, surely?

I agree with this.

I think some posters are familiar with the op from other threads.

You have invented an imaginary narrative un-supported by the text that appears to be more about you than the OP.

Haha, how is it about me?

There are so many things here that OP appears to not have thought about.

If she honestly believes that her dh cannot look after his own children then of course she can't take a job that would mean her leaving them in his care for long periods of time.

She can't have it both ways. And telling his mother on him clearly isn't going to change that.

Separating from him might make it a bit easier but then she will still have to arrange childcare cover for her eow if she isn't going to be able to be there for them. Not ideal but also not impossible.

If she really wants to take the job the obvious solution seems to be that she is going to have to allow him to parent the children his way and to manage the housework his way. Which, after all, is just a different way to hers, not necessarily wrong.

Tom, I get what you mean, but I just cannot see why g=he shouldn't have the option of being a SAHD if he wants? Why should the op get to dictate this?

Is this supposed to be a joke or sarcastic?

You do realise that in a relationship, neither party can just make a unilateral decision to do whatever they bloody fancy without the agreement of their partner, who it will affect?

What if both of them want to be a SAHP and just stop bothering to go to work? Or is it only okay for him to do that?

If people want to set their family up so one person works and one doesn't that's up to them and nobody's business but theirs. But unless both partners are in agreement, deciding to just stop work and live off your partner's income is sponging at best, financial abuse at worst.

The default in a relationship is usually that both people contribute financially and regarding caring responsibilities, and deviating from this requires the agreement of all involved. I'm imagining my response if I got home and my OH decided he wasn't going to work anymore because 'why should you get to dictate that I do?', or he came home to me stating the same.

Nothing wrong with being a SAHP if you both want it but OP clearly doesn't, she doesn't want to be the sole breadwinner and she has every right to that. If her DH doesn't want to work he's welcome to end the relationship and go find some other woman who is willing to subsidise him, but he can't unilaterally decide that is what OP is going to do for him.

And I'm not buying the 'if the genders were reversed' arguments on this thread either. If a woman got made redundant and then didn't look for another job and basically tried to surreptitiously give up work while expecting her husband to support her financially everyone would be saying the same!

How is it about you indeed Fairneuff You're making it about your own relationship to perfectionism which clearly you struggle with. You're making it about a SAHP who doesn't do things the way OP wants, rather than not doing them at all which again is about your own approach to domestic chores. You're making it about control for which there is zero evidence in the text.

DH's 'way' of doing the housework is not to do it at all. That is not a viable SAHP.

OP is concerned about him not getting a job. But I would be equally concerned about him trying to hold down a job and the fort while she's away as given his MO it's not likely to be a smooth ride.

Well I think you might just be making stuff up about me now but that's ok, I'll run with it.

You're making it about your own relationship to perfectionism which clearly you struggle with.

Erm, ok so I don't have any 'relationship to perfectionism' whatever that means. I accept that no-one is perfect and, indeed one person's view of perfectionism isn't the same as the next. This is not something I 'struggle' with.

You're making it about a SAHP who doesn't do things the way OP wants, rather than not doing them at all which again is about your own approach to domestic chores.

That's not what OP has said. She has said she will have to restack the dishwasher. That he feeds the children but they won't eat their vegetables, that he doesn't iron to the same standard as her. It's all there in her posts. After all, why would she even contemplate leaving her children with him if she thought they would be neglected?

'You're making it about control for which there is zero evidence in the text.

OP wants to control her environment even to the lengths of re-stacking a dishwasher. I do agree that there no 'evidence' on this thread one way or the other. It's just one person venting. But if OP really, honestly believes that her dh is that bad at parenting then obviously she can't leave the children with him whilst she is away.

In reality, if the H previously had a high fly job & OP did also, there is very likely already a house keeper, parent or other child minding plan in place.
They managed formerly to run the show when he was working. He wasn't a SAHP. It sounds like he's happy in the knowledge that OP can provide & is enjoying loafing about, which is fine if discussed, or temporary, or even if they can afford to live one salary (in the way they are accustomed) if he pulls his weight at home/house/kids/admin/shopping etc. If he's not (never mind the ironing & dish stacking) OP is inevitably going to feel there is an unfair work load.
Anyway it's supposition,

DH has just accepted a senior job in California (we're currently in Home Counties). We have two toddler DC's. I work full time and there is a possibility of an internal job transfer to Cali for my role. It could work but logisitically, be very tough. At the mo, in UK, we have a very handson au-pair that allows both me and DH to work full time. My DH's new job would be full-on (and so will mine!) . I'm thinking it would make sense for me to take a step back but I'm not sure because in the long run, me keeping a job has a lot of benefits (for many reasons too long to list here ;)

The OP. In 2013

Where does the OP say this bloke is making shit loads of money?

The OP has stated this on numerous different threads.

I would prefer to wait for the OP to come back and clarify.

This quoting the OP from previous threads just feels stalker-ish and a bit creepy.

Oh don't be so dramatic blueshoes

When people like the OP start a thread without having time to keep it updated, the thread can either fill up with guesses and pointless speculation or people can discuss what that OP has posted before.

Nothing to do with 'stalker-ish or creepy'.

Are you really this tedious in real life Fairenuff?

1)No reference to perfectionism in any of the OP's posts, it is your invention and your issue. The issue is less about him doing this poorly more about him not doing things at all.

2. No it's not in the posts. In the posts she said she had to do all the laundry and all the cleaning while working FT. She makes no mention of him ironing at all. Simply that she likes her work shirts and children's uniform to be ironed on Sundays. We don't even know that he's bothering to feed the children vegetables or if he simply isn't bothering to ensure they eat them. Either way it's unacceptably crap, it's not just failing to reach get OP's standards but failing to reach the standard of basic nutrition and basic parenting.

3. Finally, restocking the dishwasher has nothing to do with control and everything to do with the practicalities of getting everything in that needs to go in, in a way that's easy to unload. It's more work to unload a dishwasher than has been filled lazily and haphazardly.

Oh dear, CookieDoughKid - it sounds like you have no respect whatsoever for your dh. You seem to think he is lazy and useless, both domestically and on the workfront. He can't even stack dishes properly. Has he always been like this, or has his confidence and morale been crushed in the last few years? Why does he keep being made redundant? From his viewpoint, you are probably being a cold, harsh, scathing, unempathetic and patronising perfectionist who will never think he is capable of living up to her own ridiculous standards. I'm not sure I see an easy way back from this! I guess he has to try harder and you have to lower your standards to normal human level?! Or admit you don't actually want the high flying career at all, because you are happier when you have time to make things the way you like them on the domestic front? If you actually want both of you doing mid-level jobs, with neither of you being a high flyer, but both having the security of two incomes and reasonable family and home time, then be honest about it and don't pretend you gave up a high flying career because you think he's useless, bcause that would be cruel of you to let yourself think that, imvho.

What is this preoccupation with how much the DH earns (earned) other than envy?

He's currently unemployed, he's lost more than one job and is incapable of pulling his weight on the domestic front even when he was a SAHP. What he earns is irrelevant.

Riding, if you read back it came about because a PP called him a 'Cocklodger'.

Which from the OP's previous posts (she's a reg whose been around for years), some of us think he absolutely isn't.

They're both high flyers, high earners and a very high achieving family according to the OP.

Oh. So OP does have history. Changes things.

RidingWindhorses

Finally, restocking the dishwasher has nothing to do with control and everything to do with the practicalities of getting everything in that needs to go in, in a way that's easy to unload. It's more work to unload a dishwasher than has been filled lazily and haphazardly.

So much more work to unload that it is actually an efficient and sensible use of time to re-stack dirty crockery and cutlery? Bollocks! Of course it is about control. Now, I like my dishwasher stacked a certain way too but I can accept that other people, my DH included, like to do it differently. It's infantilising to re-do someone else's perfectly acceptable work so the OP has got exactly what she has created - another child.

The primary issue is stacking it intelligently to fit in the maximum and ensure that items will get properly clean, not fill with water etc. If you need to be able to unload fast in the morning, then yes it can be worth rearranging it before you set it.

If you don't want the job then don't take it. The issue of not wanting your DH to be a SAHD is a tricky one. TBH I wouldn't have liked this either. You don't have a lot of respect for the SAH role which is fair enough because a lot of people don't have.

But it's something that you need to work out between the two of you. Perhaps he can't have much of a career himself if you're not actually going to be at home 40% of the time. Losing your job can be quite depressing for men and women. It questions your self worth. Try and have a bit more empathy.

Worra you seem to have an axe to grind against the OP. A tad over-invested.

OP does obviously have a posting history about this situation though and the fact that she has barely posted on her own thread or returned it does suggest that maybe she was being selective with the facts, as is her right of course.

This is why nothing posted on a site like this can be taken at face value. There never was and never will be 'evidence' of the truth. It's a discussion forum where posters ask for opinion. Opinion will be based on what the OP writes but reading between the lines is often the way to a more balanced view, especially when the OP does not engage with posters on their thread.

I'd say the most likely reason OP hasn't come back is that she's busy - she works FT with kids. Alternatively perhaps she hasn't found the thread very helpful.

You're right there's a history. OP's DH is a recently ex-alcoholic who struggles to hold down a job:

"alcoholic, debt ridden, refusing to take responsibility"

"I've always been the breadwinner and paid all bills and mortgage with only a few months contribution from my ex during the entire time we lived in the house together, which was for 5 years. My ex did not have regular income or a regular job for majority of time."

It's bad form to bring in past threads to current discussion, I make an exception here as it's in support of the OP rather than trying to undermine her.

I find too often on here 'reading between the lines' entails posters inventing narratives to suit themselves.

It's bad form to bring in past threads to current discussion

I would suggest that using information posted in previous threads is in fact simply researching the subject about which you are posting.

BTW, I am under the impression that the OP is talking about her current partner. The quotes from previous threads that you've used to explain how awful the OP's partner is refer to the ex.

AIUI, he was ex at that point - they separated - but they got back together

Lol at the irony at threatening to ring his mum to complain about the man child.