To want to leave DH and be reckless?

[AshiBarai]

DH and I have been married 2 years, together for 6. He's 10 years older than me (he's 46). We both have two kids each to previous relationships.

I'm bored. We have regimented sex one day a week. We do nothing else together other than watch TV and go on holiday twice a year.

More and more recently I daydream about leaving him, buying a "do-er-up-er and basically just having fun. Casual relationships, travelling, new experiences, meeting new people shagging around ... just being free. I'm 36 and I'm so fucking bored and frustrated. DH is fast asleep next to me as I type this. We live in a "posh" detached 4 bedroomed house on private estate - I picture myself on my own in a terraced victorian house wondering if I'll be getting laid at the weekend.

I'm scared. I'm a nurse, I work with old people and they always tell me "follow your instincts while you still have them" - my instincts are telling me to sack off this marriage and sensible persona and go back to being free and reckless. We only live once. What the fuck do I do?

Thanks again for the advice everyone. I was sat reading the replies covered in my granny blanket nursing a hangover and suddenly thought "what the fuck am I doing sat here like this". It was 10.30am and my Fitbit had registered just 200 steps and that was me wondering back and force to the kitchen making coffee.

So I got up, got dressed and took the dog for a walk on the fields behind our house, it was lovely and peaceful and I feel so much better.

I'm going to gym this afternoon and then going to buy some pampering stuff for when DH is out tonight, give myself a bit of a boost.

I've also arranged a night out with one of the girls from work for next week 🙂

AND I've volunteered for the karate competition.

You're all right, I know you are. If DH and I split I'd spend my nights at home feeling sorry for myself. I'm not sociable so I'd rarely go out and within two years I'd be craving marriage again.

See when I envision this perfect life I have the part of me played by Cameron Diaz or some other 40 something gorgeous woman, confident and popular. Needless to say I'm not like that at all. I'm shy, flabby with frizzy hair that I can never do anything with - no sense of fashion, even Bridget Jones wouldn't come close.

All very upbeat & positive - good for you.

Onwards & upwards

I'm not going to pass comment on whether the OP should leave her DH or not as that's a decision she has to make. And I totally get the "grass is not always greener" argument -- you should give leaving a marriage some very serious thought and not do it until you're sure its the right thing to do.

But does anyone else find it utterly depressing how many people have come on here going "you've got a man, you're getting on now, you're not going to do much better, stick with the status quo."

I find this line of argument really negative and it depresses me that there are so many people who still think like this. If the OP is unhappy in her marriage, the idea that she should stick with a sub-optimal situation purely on the basis that she may not find another man just makes me want to cry.

You'll find yourself in your 40s and single, well, there are far worse things. I'm in my 40s and single, having come out of a bad marriage and I have no regrets whatsoever. Obviously I would like at some point to get into another relationship, but if I don't and I end up spending the rest of my life on my own with my daughter, fulfilled, solvent and happy then there are far worse fates and I wouldn't trade that for being in an unhappy marriage for all the tea in china.

Even the idea that there's something desperate and lonely about shagging around in your 40s -- why? I totally get that a string of one night stands is not a recipe for happiness, but why should it be intrinsically more sad and desperate in your 40s than in your 20s? If uncommitted, random sex makes you miserable then don't do it. But the idea that its somehow acceptable when you're young and embarrassing when you're older is just sexist, agist twaddle. (For the record I have had very few one night stands and don't like them much, but I will defend to the death the right of other women my age to do it if that's what they want to do.)

Some of you need to have a word with yourselves.

Good for you OP. If you dream of being sociable and confident, make it happen. Start small and build up your confidence and a network of friends. You've made a good start today.

Once you're more the person you want to be, the marriage may improve too. If not, you'll have already built up the self-confidence, social skills and friendship network that you will need if you become single.

Really positive update AdhiBarai

In some ways the grand gestures - I’ll leave my job and marriage/ travel the world are easier to make because it’s easier to find excuses for them not to happen.

Smaller gestures- signing up to a new activity, organising a date night with your dh - well, it’s harder to make excuses for not doing them.

Sounds as though you’re determined to tackle things step by step which is great. Enjoy your pampering session. Onwards and upwards

If the OP is unhappy in her marriage, the idea that she should stick with a sub-optimal situation purely on the basis that she may not find another man just makes me want to cry.

Yes I agree mainly - no one should stick in a marriage that makes them miserable, or ‘settle’ for something that isn’t great. The idea that a women approaching forty is used up is quite unpleasant for sure.

My point was more that she should explore whether a once presumably happy marriage can be made so again before leaving. Marriages can go through ups and downs and big life events like empty nests can result in couples needing to change the focus from child rearing back into themselves. Sometimes you can lose your way a bit.

To me, in a marriage where things were happy it’s worth exploring what’s gone wrong first - if it’s a matter of just adjusting to the empty nest and realising that you are no longer right for each other at all, or if it’s just that you’ve been soncentred in the kids that it leaves a void you need to work around.

It’s much better to be single than in an unhappy relationship, an abusive marriage one should leave pronto, but one that was happy but has just drifted, I think it’s worth looking at why first. I certainly hope DH and I would before doing anything rash.

Good luck OP whatever you decide.

Totally 100% agree with everything pinot said

Good steps, op. I think you can certainly push yourself more and more now and then see how you go.

The thing is that aside from the sleeping around part, there is not much stopping you having fun AND remain married...

Go traveling with friends. Go away for weekends without DH and his kid. (don't go EVERY weekend he's with you but you could avoid lots of boredom this way!) As long as your DH is ok with this I think it may bring you closer actually. And if he's not ok with the idea without a very good reason (serious financial reasons or the like) then you've got a different problem altogether...

This works for a lot of people and though you may need to put some effort into rebuilding/revitalising your social life, there is nothing stopping you doing just that! You can be his wife and your own person!!!

Hypermice yes you're right -- marriages do lose their way and I think the OP needs to talk to her DH and do everything possible to make sure she isn't throwing it away based on a mid-life crisis. And work at it if necessary. Totally agree on that point.

What I find genuinely shocking is how many people seem to think that being on your own without a man at 40 is a fate to be avoided at almost any cost. And the idea that, having left a marriage, trying to find a new partner or indeed having any kind of sexual or romantic life is "sad" "miserable" or "desperate".

It's insulting to people who have had the balls to choose to pursue their own life after the failure of a marriage and it also suggests a large number of people suppressing their own needs and desires in order to be able to tick the box that they're in a relationship.

That's great OP. And I totally agree with this:

The thing is that aside from the sleeping around part, there is not much stopping you having fun AND remain married...

It sounds like you've got into a rut yourself, just as much as your DH has. Maybe if you get out and about more he will be inspired to join you and/or do his own thing?

Well done, OP, for taking the first steps.

Yes pinot I couldn’t agree more with that. Some unpleasant stereotypes persist it seems. :(

Quick update, DH came home from work and said he's booked us a table for dinner next week at a nice restaurant 🙂

That's good that he's going to take you out somewhere do you think he's picked up the vibes that you're not very happy?

For what it's worth I'm 37 married for 11 years two children six and one and I'm Constant state of flux at the moment around my identity my ambition what I want to achieve from life frustrated that I can't just down tools and piss off on holiday whenever I want to I have lots of acquaintances but very few true friends. I said to Dh just this morning what's next?? We are not having kids anymore crippled by childcare costs currently and stuck in a job I now hate but need to stay due to flexibility with the kids.

I did have a brilliant time in my 20s but wouldn't want to be doing that now life moves on

Brilliant! Sounds like you have inspired him and you both just need a bit of a kick up the bum (in the nicest possible way )

Good news op. I think your feelings of leaving him might have just been panic as a result of boredom.

How old are all the people describing women in their 40s/50s 'raddled' 'mutton dressed as lamb' 'desperate' etc? Fucking rude. Why should a woman of that age feel scared that she'll be an undesirable mess by that age? So should therefore settle for anything less than happiness? Pathetic, honestly.

I dunno.. I'd say you're quite lucky for the life you do have really and I can't really pinpoint because I don't know where its gone wrong in such a short space of time for you.. I think there's issues here more than we know with your dh that you need to sort out.

Honestly.. You will never be 18 again and your life has panned out this way, children etc. Whilst I always so 'go with the flow' I think maybe security would be the best.. I mean, you're comfortable right? It just sounds like the sex is the main issue. I wouldn't suggest cheating or affair. But could you possibly just sit down and talk to him about how you feel? Or even bring up an open relationship rather than just jetting off first thing?
You both committed to each other and it probably has to hurt him if you just leave due to something that could possibly be resolved.

Sorry OP, just seen your updates. That's great he's booked a table for you :) I agree with a pp. It just sounded like you were a bit bored and frustrated writing this. Hope you resolve it properly :)

Some unpleasant stereotypes persist it seems

Indeed.

Yesterday there was a thread where a SAHM of two small children was criticised for not doing all the housework and having the house pristine for when her poor hard-working husband got home from work.

It's slightly more ageism than misogyny but both apply really.

There are absolutely people in their late 30's, 40's even 50's and beyond having casual sex and mixing in circles where going out and having fun isn't seen as "sad" post-30!

I'm 46 nearly I have a fwb, my 3rd I also have other partners if I wish. I'm not hurting anyone so why not? And some have been 😱 younger men, contrary to what some on here think there's plenty of men attracted to older women.

I won't advocate cheating so you definitely need to speak to your husband and decide if it's worth staying in the marriage but don't listen to the judgy ageist prudes who seem to think it "unseemly" to have a sex drive as you get older.

"As someone in their mid-40s, with many friends the same age and older, I can say hand on heart that the misogynistic and ageist opinions on this thread are absolute bollocks." Definitely!! The idea that our sex drives disappear around 35 is ludicrous!!

I'm not saying casual sex/flings are to everyone's taste but it's out of order to suggest monogamy suits everyone too - it doesn't!

Glad op's situation is improving and also that she's making changes to improve her own happiness.

That's great, AshiBarai. Get out there and do stuff, stop putting yourself down, realise that you are an interesting person who can have fun and be fun, with or without others. You'll be happier for it and you'll probably attract other people to want to join in if you are obviously enjoying yourself and being proactive. And that more likely than not includes your dh! You can choose to be a loner (ie enjoy your own company), you do not have to be lonely - the two states are different.

1. It’s not DH’s job to entertain you. Start making a list of all the things you would like to do, learn and try. Join some classes and met people through new hobbies. I know my DH sometimes just wants to relax on the weekend and will say if I suggested places to go, he would go. I realise I have been lazy in leaving it up to him to suggest it. So say to DH, I’m going such and such place do you want to come? If he says no, say , fine, I much prefer to spend the weekend with you as I enjoy your company but I can’t just sit at home every weekend being bored like this.

1. You need to communicate how bored you feel on a weekend and that you will be going out on the weekends if he doesn’t want to go with you. While you need to be more independent and interesting without him. He is supposed to be your life partner and you should be doing a reasonable amount of things together. What is the point of living seperate lives? So make it clear you want him to be your life partner and steep up his game.

1. Communicate about the sex issue. Ask him is there any reason he only wants sex once a week as you enjoy “ our love making “ and you desire him and would like it more frequently. Seriously you need to tell him how bored and unhappy you are with his disinterest in you, giving him a chance to fix it.