To want to leave DH and be reckless?

[AshiBarai]

DH and I have been married 2 years, together for 6. He's 10 years older than me (he's 46). We both have two kids each to previous relationships.

I'm bored. We have regimented sex one day a week. We do nothing else together other than watch TV and go on holiday twice a year.

More and more recently I daydream about leaving him, buying a "do-er-up-er and basically just having fun. Casual relationships, travelling, new experiences, meeting new people shagging around ... just being free. I'm 36 and I'm so fucking bored and frustrated. DH is fast asleep next to me as I type this. We live in a "posh" detached 4 bedroomed house on private estate - I picture myself on my own in a terraced victorian house wondering if I'll be getting laid at the weekend.

I'm scared. I'm a nurse, I work with old people and they always tell me "follow your instincts while you still have them" - my instincts are telling me to sack off this marriage and sensible persona and go back to being free and reckless. We only live once. What the fuck do I do?

I have done things I've regret. But one thing I've not regretted is doing the things I thought I would regret if I didn't do them.

Have some of them been stupid decisions? Definitely. But I did them, and now I know.

If you want to be free, be free. You may regret it. But at least you won't regret not being free.

You have the responsibility of children so can't just up-sticks. Could it be the case that DH is bored too? He may love the idea of buying a 'do-it-upper' so why not suggest it and see what he says. There's the chance that he may horrified, but equally he may not. He no doubt has 'secret dreams' too, don't we all?

Your main problem is boredom, mere boredom. Do you really want to throw away all you have and start again?
If you left (and hurt your loved ones) and lived alone you may ask yourself in the future, 'why the hell did I do this?' The grass is always greener as they say. Take care.

It really seems that some people on this thread are with their boring husbands because they want financial security? And because it’s what people do once they reach a certain age? No mention of love or pleasure.

Been with my fella 24 years. Not married yet but we still have fun, go out, have sex 3/4 times a week. Love each other very much. If we weren't like that both of us would be gone. Money is not everything.

You have the responsibility of children so can't just up-sticks.

All adults bar one who is the OP's and nearly an adult, so I don't think that impact will be very great.

You’re a nurse, do you not have friends at work? Hospital workers are usually more sociable than anyone! (I am one).

I don't know about the marriage (got no experience there) but you definitely need to make some friends that you can plan to go out with- either from work or try some gym classes.

Without friends you will still be bored & lonely if you are single.

I'm 41 & single, I'm on tinder & have a workplace with lots of men, technically I could sleep around if I wanted to but I don't have the confidence!

If you do have the confidence then you are lucky really.

Bloody hell. MN Alternative Universe.

Do you want to stay with this man at all? Under any circumstances? If so, make some changes.

If not, end it now. I'm 56 I feel the same as you - timing is everything as they say and at 36 you have time on your side (I didn't turn into a toothless hag until a couple of years ago so you'll be ok on the pull for a bit yet ) Obviously (but I'll say it anyway) kids dont suddenly need bugger all support the day they are 18 so I'd make sure you provide whatever support they need, particularly with regard to housing e.g, make sure they have a home with you if they need it.

Other than that, FFS, do what you want, now.

Assuming you actually still have feelings for your husband, I would really make an effort to work on your marriage - he has to be committed to change too, obviously!

Write down all of your issues and how they could be improved then have a very frank conversation with him. The sex issue is a big deal for you and your husband needs to acknowledge that. Your life has become tedious, how can you improve things together?

Give yourself a time limit - say 6 months. Throw everything you have into trying to improve things and if life is still unfulfilling then you can at least leave knowing you tried.

I agree that you may regret leaving a stable life. It probably feels irrelevant now because you are so consumed by sexual frustration and boredom, but you really do need to consider the practicalities before leaving.

At the end of the day though, life really is too short. If you can't improve your current situation or just don't want to then that's absolutely fine to move on. Just do what's best for you.

Life’s too short to stay in a relationship that you feel is this boring.

I split form my ex in my late 20s then had 10 years of single fun until I met my dp in my late 30s. I can honestly say I had soooo much fun and found it a happy and fulfilling life. I decided then that I’d never settle in a relationship that didn’t enhance my life even more. My DP is equally as fun and outgoing as I am and we have a lot of fun together. Yes, sometimes we have the odd dull week, but it never lasts long. I could never be in a relationship that made me dread the weekend

Why is he responsible for your fun and happiness?

why are you expecting him to entertain you at weekends?

why are you sitting around waiting for him to make things happen?

You need to get off your arse and start doing things to make your life more fulfilled - interests, friends, trips etc.

I have a similar tendency to want to make drastic changes (I don't though) but have been learning to think smaller in order to work towards bigger goals. Otherwise it can all feel overwhelming and knee jerk reactions can be out of proportion.

Do something small today. Research an interest or group you can join. And join it. Classes at the gym? You might hit it off with someone. It can be very difficult making friends as an adult - a bit like dating without the sex! Common interests is as good a place to start as any.

Or book a city trip somewhere - maybe with ds if he'd allow it?! Might be the last trip you have with him before he flies the nest? Or go on your own if dh won't do it.

Only you can make you happy.

OP, why didn’t you shag around, buy a doer upper, travel round the world etc 2 years ago, instead of marrying this guy and settling in a posh estate house which you hate?

I don’t think anyone here is saying you should stay in an unhappy marriage. We’re saying that a lot of the unhappiness seems to stem from your own passive approach to life... not making friends, not going out unless dh organises it, going along to a gym full of posh bored housewives who don’t speak to you... honestly, don’t leave and take all these problems with you. Leave if you feel the marriage is truly dead, knowing that you will turn life around yourself.

I just can’t help thinking that as you willingly walked into this marriage only 2 years ago, at a point where your children were fast moving to independence, you’re not an independent feisty woman.
It doesn’t mean you can’t become one, but that’s about working on yourself not waiting for a) your dh to completely change or b) a fantasy man to come along and sweep you into an amazing new life

I have single friends your age who certainly would love to be married with children. Dating in your late 30s is not what you're imagining it will be. But it sounds like you've made your mind up to leave... and your husband will be better off with a wife who enjoys a real relationship where a snooze on the sofa in front of the tv in the evening is more than acceptable. I hope you don't live to regret throwing away a loving marriage, but you'll never be happy until you've seen for yourself that the grass isn't actually greener on the other side.

What you are dreaming about is a fantasy..reality is it ain't going to be like that.
Things change and yes 36 is fine to still be out enjoying yourself etc but in a few years you will be used, lonely and on the shelf.

Oh dear, single women in their 40s/50s/60s...are all used, lonely and on the shelf.

What. A. Load. of. Crap.

I feel sorry for people who think like that. They must live in fear the whole time.

I agree helmet that it’s rubbish to make a blanket statement that women in their 40s upwards are on the shelf.

However the OP’s issue is not an age one; it’s an attitude of mind and she’ll take that with her unless she grasps hold of her own life and starts to shape it how she wants. At the moment she’s passive, bored and very lonely. She needs to work on changing that.

You can be lonely and washed up in your 20s, or conversely you can be independent and fully embracing life in your 60s and 70s.
It’s an attitude not an age thing

You mention you’ve tried getting your husband to go out on an evening etc but have you really? If you said you’d booked a restaurant for 7.30 would he refuse to go?

Could you look at booking somewhere nice for lunch tomorrow, maybe a country pub or something where you go for a walk first?

If you try a few things like that and he still sits at home then maybe rethink your relationship but it’s worth trying first surely?

These people who think women in their 40s are lonely and on the shelf if they're not married. Do they actually go out, ever? Do they not have any friends?

How the fuck do they develop this bizarre opinion?

You need to get your own friends, hobbies and activities- that's the crux of the problem, he obviously has his other friends from work. If you are bored, take life by the horns and do something. You don't have to destroy a marriage to have fun, stop relying on him and literally get a life.

Do you love him?

I agree with Momo it's not that single women in their 40's are lonely and not embracing life but OP says herself she's a loner, doesn't have much get up and go, has lurched from one disastrous relationship to another, has issues with depression.

It would be foolish to think that getting a divorce would be a magic solution to feeling bored with life and that a dazzling whirl of social engagements awaits.

I don't agree that 2 years into a marriage and feeling things are a bit stale is reason to throw in the towel is it? It's all very well spouting cliches like Life's too short, follow your heart, do what you want, but in reality I think it's a fantasy to think that it'll be all fun and excitement.

Split up if you don't love him but keep your feet on the ground.

Why not give yourself a target of a year to try and put things right in your marriage and then at the end of the year, if you still feel the same, at least you can say you tried.

Say to your husband that you are feeling unhappy and a bit neglected and you both need to work at changing things. If he is unwilling to make the effort to change things then that will be his lookout .

You need to make a life for yourself within the relationship too so you go and do things you enjoy with friends and family or by yourself. You don't have to spend every weekend with husband and his son

So you want to leave him and have fun?So how come when you have an evening free you sit in the sofa on your own?I have a feeling if you started off your own social life again you would have more fun and he might rediscover the woman he married or he stays on the sofa and you leave.
If your going to leave you need to reassemble your own network first,do you have one?
Also why not join a gym where you do like people?