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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to leave DH and be reckless?

225 replies

AshiBarai · 23/03/2018 22:42

DH and I have been married 2 years, together for 6. He's 10 years older than me (he's 46). We both have two kids each to previous relationships.

I'm bored. We have regimented sex one day a week. We do nothing else together other than watch TV and go on holiday twice a year.

More and more recently I daydream about leaving him, buying a "do-er-up-er and basically just having fun. Casual relationships, travelling, new experiences, meeting new people shagging around ... just being free. I'm 36 and I'm so fucking bored and frustrated. DH is fast asleep next to me as I type this. We live in a "posh" detached 4 bedroomed house on private estate - I picture myself on my own in a terraced victorian house wondering if I'll be getting laid at the weekend.

I'm scared. I'm a nurse, I work with old people and they always tell me "follow your instincts while you still have them" - my instincts are telling me to sack off this marriage and sensible persona and go back to being free and reckless. We only live once. What the fuck do I do?

OP posts:
rocketgirl22 · 24/03/2018 05:27

Personally I would try and include him in the fun, why not book a weekend away in NY or London, go out to cocktail bars, dress up, have a party at home this summer. See your friends for a girls night every fortnight.

You don't NEED to be sat there every night, you can stay married and have fun (not the sexual kind in my view unless he is on board with it) but every other kind of fun and still have your husband and home.

It is beyond me why you are not making a bigger effort to make your life more exciting, rather than simply blaming him.

rumblytummy1 · 24/03/2018 06:06

Do you not have any friends of your own you can go out with.
Get dressed up, go out & see the reality of the men who are out there...
Your husband may also be more interested / interesting if you do different things from time to time.

Have you actually told your husband how you feel? Men are not mi d readers at the best of time.
He may surprise you if he knows how much is at stake

tomhazard · 24/03/2018 06:22

Really sorry op but I find your post and ambitions immature. I know people like you - 'living it up' in their late thirties and forties and they give the impression of desperation and silliness .
Leave your husband if you're unhappy, but you will probably not enjoy the lifestyle of a 20 something as much as you think you're going to. You'd be better off getting some hobbies, friends and activities you enjoy and stop fantasising about a lifestyle that isn't really all that.

BiologyMatters · 24/03/2018 06:26

Why is your lack of social life his fault? If you'd be such a free spirited social butterfly if only the man ( who you promised to love and cherish only 2 short years ago) would get out of your way, then just go out! Its not his fault you choose to sit on your arse watching tv every weekend!

Lallypopstick · 24/03/2018 06:32

Your life sounds like a chick lit novel.

RadioGaGoo · 24/03/2018 06:37

Funny how some view you as being 'desperate' after a certain age and you don't want to conform to societies norms of having a husband, children, job and house. Says more about them than you OP.

Clandestino · 24/03/2018 06:39

Why do YOU have to sit at home on Saturdays? It's his child he's waiting for! Why can't you get yourself a hobby, go for a walk, paint, whatever and leave him in the house to wait. You seem like you love extremes. It's all together or nothing. You realise you're not your DH's attachment?

37KAT · 24/03/2018 06:39

I think he should sort out the situation with his DS. It is unacceptable that he is waiting all day to see what his sons plans are, he is 20 ffs. Very very rude that ds can't commit and you're wasting time waiting. He is not a child and must realise you can't treat people like this.
Maybe if this improved you could make plans together.

speakout · 24/03/2018 06:42

OP I think you are yearning to do all the things you should have done before you had kids.

Your OH is not old- perhaps worn out and unfit, but that can be fixed.

Maybe you do have separate paths to live- I would talk to him first- you may find he is as bored as you are.

If you will both be kids free soon then maybe a 4 bedroomed house is too big for you- you could sell up and buy a funky house to do up together.
Of you could re- train, start a business, travel for a while. could rent out your house and travel.
You may find spending a year backpacking with or without your OH is enough for you to enjoy some freedom.

Sarahh2014 · 24/03/2018 06:44

I felt like this but slightly different as we'd been together for 8 years,deeply unhappy no sex.I ended up sleeping with someone I met online and then my db friend.It was so exciting and I felt attractive for the first time in years so I ended the marriage.Best thing I ever did tbh I was only 32 no kids

SinglePringle · 24/03/2018 06:46

Some of the misogyny on here is breathtaking. Women in their 40’s living an unfettered life, where they are free to shag who they want, when they want are sad, desperate, deluded and an embarrassment to their kids?! Fuck me...

OP, I’m not suggesting you should not shouldn’t leave your marriage but if you do, know that you not doomed to a live of a wayward wanton / fallen woman, you don’t have to live in a hovel and you can fall out of bed with tousled hair and make a latte in your poncey kitchen. The presence of a 25 year old man is optional.

Single Women Over 40 Have Sex Shocker!

speakout · 24/03/2018 06:47

Really sorry op but I find your post and ambitions immature. I know people like you - 'living it up' in their late thirties and forties and they give the impression of desperation and silliness .

I agree.
The OP may be "free and reckless" for a few years and find themselves in some bar in her 40s in Ibiza thinking she is living the dream.

Then what?

The OP thinks she can find this elusive fun elsewhere, but in fact it's all at her feet for the taking.

OP you would be better using your energies to change your life from this secure base that you have.
There are so many opportunities for you right now right under your nose.

GunnyHighway · 24/03/2018 06:47

Your DSs will be mortified by you 'shagging around

And? No ones business but hers.

OP the only thing that I'd add is that you seen to be comfortable right now, as in financially secure. How will you feel living on a nurses wage by your self in the future?
Grabbing given up security for shagging around.

On the other hand you may regret not doing it.

speakout · 24/03/2018 06:48

Some of the misogyny on here is breathtaking. Women in their 40’s living an unfettered life, where they are free to shag who they want, when they want are sad, desperate, deluded and an embarrassment to their kids?!

I don't think it's misogyny at all- I would give the same advice to a man.

tomhazard · 24/03/2018 06:50

Singlepringle I know a few men behaving like this at a similar age and I also think their behaviour and ambitions, the fact they have to date younger and younger women, pretty awkward, embarrassing and silly.
It's not exclusive to women, applies equally to men!

KERALA1 · 24/03/2018 06:52

Well go on then - go out yourself and get a life. You are allowed to be married and do stuff separately he not your jailer.

E.g. I went out with 10 friends on thurs, sat dh and I going to the theatre, we plan and go to parties and do sport weekends away together or apart. If he didn't want to do stuff I would just do it anyway and vice Versa? With the exception of other relationships and moving away being married shouldn't hold you back esp if you don't have young kids together.

RadioGaGoo · 24/03/2018 06:52

'You would be better using your energies to change your life from this secure base that you have'.

Yes OP. Work harder to please your man because that's the key to your happiness (!).

Shoxfordian · 24/03/2018 06:55

I think you need to talk to your husband to see if you can reawaken some of the spark you had

Also try to make some friends locally and do your own thing at weekends; plan to go out yourself on a Saturday even if on your own to start with. The situation where you're sitting at home on the off chance that your stepson might come over is ridiculous. See if you can change that; he's 20 right? Def old enough to manage to text you in the week to say or make plans.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 24/03/2018 06:57

Ashi, you sound like a caged bird, spread your wings and fly !
Before you do this though, you need to sit down with your husband, and tell him honestly, about how you are feeling. Maybe he regrets your relationship too ! You'll never know, until you have the conversation.
Life is short !

PlumsGalore · 24/03/2018 07:00

I also think you would benefit hugely from expanding your own personal social life. Your DH may or may not be part of the problem, but if you had a wider friendship group and went out to nice bars, city breaks away with the girls, a new sport, fun meals out or whatever you would probably feel more fulfilled, attractive, appreciated and also considerably less bored.

It might also make DH pick in his game, and if it doesn't, you will at least be happier and have a wider support network.

Growingboys · 24/03/2018 07:00

OP don't you have any friends to do fun things with?

Agree re it being a crap ambition to be shagging randoms.

I reckon you'd be happier if you organised some of your life yourself instead of hanging around waiting with DH. Sort your own life out first and when that has cheered you up it might affect him - maybe you're not a very nice person to be around at the moment?

Sleephead1 · 24/03/2018 07:01

op do what makes you happy if you want to be single and do whatever you want do it. Of course some people will judge but every one is different and the people saying it's sad or desperate ECT that is their opinion. plenty of people your age and older have good sex lives and I don't think that once you get to your 30s your unable to enjoy one night stands. People are all different some people love traditional married live, some people have open marriages, some people are happy single and celibate, some are single and enjoy casual sex. It's really not up to anyone but you what you would like to do and is people want to judge let them it's your life. The only thing I would say is it won't be exactly the same as it was all those years ago as nothing ever is but as long as you have a realistic view of it do what makes you happy.

Footle · 24/03/2018 07:01

Not sure they let people into the States on a one way ticket these days.

AlphaApple · 24/03/2018 07:01

Start by trying to have a better life within the one you have now. Go out with your friends. Make your own plans at the weekend. Find your own interests and follow them.

Just read the dating threads to get a glimpse of the gallons of weirdos and flakes women have to wade through even just to get a decent shag! Let alone good company. Life is a RomCom. Sorry.

calmandbright · 24/03/2018 07:02

I can’t understand why you aren’t arranging things to do yourself though? I totally get wanting to leave your DH because he’s not meeting your needs, but why are you being sucked into his vortex of inactivity? I think beginning to carve an more exciting and fulfilling life FOR YOURSELF is where you need to begin. You don’t need to wait until you’ve left to start your new life.

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