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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to leave DH and be reckless?

225 replies

AshiBarai · 23/03/2018 22:42

DH and I have been married 2 years, together for 6. He's 10 years older than me (he's 46). We both have two kids each to previous relationships.

I'm bored. We have regimented sex one day a week. We do nothing else together other than watch TV and go on holiday twice a year.

More and more recently I daydream about leaving him, buying a "do-er-up-er and basically just having fun. Casual relationships, travelling, new experiences, meeting new people shagging around ... just being free. I'm 36 and I'm so fucking bored and frustrated. DH is fast asleep next to me as I type this. We live in a "posh" detached 4 bedroomed house on private estate - I picture myself on my own in a terraced victorian house wondering if I'll be getting laid at the weekend.

I'm scared. I'm a nurse, I work with old people and they always tell me "follow your instincts while you still have them" - my instincts are telling me to sack off this marriage and sensible persona and go back to being free and reckless. We only live once. What the fuck do I do?

OP posts:
gonnabreakmyrustycage · 23/03/2018 23:49

I think you need to sit down with him and explain this. Tell his son that he must tell you if he's going to visit at least 24h in advance. Say you're considering divorce if things don't change.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 23/03/2018 23:50

An accident in the pharmaceutical department

Do you mean you're suicidal OP? If so, you need to seek help for that. If you're just being dramatic because you're a bit bored at home then I've lost all sympathy I'm afraid.

adayatthebeach · 23/03/2018 23:51

It’s her life and I can relate. It’s these unwritten rules in life that keep us in ruts watching tv every night. Yes sometimes it hurts people when we make choices but in the end it’s our life and we have to come to the end of our life either having had a fullfilling one or having just got through it! Even married we still are individuals who deserve to be happy. Go for it I would if I could support myself.

LostInShoebiz · 23/03/2018 23:51

So if he's out why can't you organise a night out with your friends?

Aussiemum78 · 23/03/2018 23:57

Honestly you sound like you have no life either and you blame dh for it.

Maybe he's bored by you too?

Lalliella · 23/03/2018 23:57

You only live once OP. Follow your heart. And your other bits. And if that leads you away from DH so be it. You’ve been mis-sold your marriage. Ignore all the PPs who say you’re too old to shag around and live the life you yearn for, that’s nonsense. Age is just a number. Live your life the way you want too, ignore the judgers.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 24/03/2018 00:03

You could have a life in your marriage; make your own social life, organise things to do with dh, invite friends or family over, find something fulfilling to do rather than sitting at home expecting your dh to call all the shots? Maybe he's bored witless too.
Why wait in with him for his son if you don't want to? Make a life for yourself.

It feels like you're blaming all your problems on other people to an extent. Start taking some responsibility for your life's choices.

This isn't a decision to make in haste so think carefully about what is driving it.

FrozenMargarita17 · 24/03/2018 00:05

OP if you're bored at the weekends and he won't make plans, make your own bloody plans. DH and I have our own things we like to do and we do them! Go out with your own friends and leave him to it. He might get the hint, or not, but either way you will be out and you won't be blaming him for keeping you in all weekend.

SpringNowPlease2018 · 24/03/2018 00:09

What about your friends? If you haven't got your own social,life, don't sit in waiting for him, make your own.

5plusMeAndHim · 24/03/2018 00:15

Your DSs will be mortified by you 'shsgging around

Charolais · 24/03/2018 00:20

I booked a one way ticket to New York when I was 19. I just said ‘fuck it’ and left. Best thing I ever did.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 24/03/2018 00:23

Relying on him to entertain you suggests you're as lazy and unmotivated as he is. Just arrange something for yourself and leave him to it. Or are you just setting him up to fail? No idea why you'd be waiting around for his adult child, who I'm guessing you don't have a parental-type relationship with given his age and how long you've been with your DH, and who can presumably operate a key.

DarkNightDelight · 24/03/2018 00:43

Ignore the negative comments Hmm

Please follow your gut and be happy!
Life is so so short and too short to live with regrets.

Why spend the next 40 + years feeling like this?

ReanimatedSGB · 24/03/2018 00:44

It might be worth testing the waters by just going out by yourself, if your H won't do anything. By testing the waters I mean: getting an idea of your H's attitude. How do you think he would react if you said: sod this sitting around, I'm going to meet up with my mates? Would he say 'that's nice dear' and carry on watching the telly? Would he decide to come with you? Or would he stamp his feet and tell you to get back in the kitchen, that you're a respectable married woman now and you don't 'need' to go out?

Actually, given what you mentioned about not fitting in at the gym, do you have mates, or has your H quietly engineered a situation where you are wholly dependent on him for a social life?

(Oh, and all those miserable bitches who think that women over 30 who want to go clubbing and get laid are doomed to humiliation and disappointment HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA you don't know how wrong you are. There are whole social circuits for people who don't see why they have to spend the rest of their lives on the sofa because they're old enough to remember leggings the first time round...)

Coyoacan · 24/03/2018 00:53

It does sound like before leaving your marriage you have to do something about your attitude to life.

You are leading a boring life because you don't know anything else. From the sounds of it, you don't bother having friends and doing things apart from your husband. If you leave with the mindset you have now you will just end up with someone else waiting for them to entertain you.

bastardkitty · 24/03/2018 01:13

Your H sounds very dull indeed. Why don't you start going out and doing more yourself? If this gives him a much-needed kick up the backside then so be it. And if not, get divorced. You're right, life's too short for this.

UndomesticHousewife · 24/03/2018 01:15

Why don’t you do something then? I don’t k is why you’re sitting waiting for for your dh to make life happen for you, you need to make it happen for yourself.
He’s waiting to see his son on Saturdays, I presume you see your children all the time.

Also he might not want to go anywhere with you as you seem to be miserable and hate him. If he’s getting that vibe it may not be so surprising that he’s not in the mood to have sex either.

Bundlesmads · 24/03/2018 01:37

OP, I’m reading this and it doesn’t sound like you have many friends, you also mention that you’ve been in a series of disasterous relationships. Have you ever contemplated that perhaps those situations are somewhat of your own making?

You sound like the sort of person who gets very into people very quickly and put them on a pedestal just to go off them just as quickly and knock them off that pedestal.

That, the reference about the pharmaceuticals, the series of destructive relationships, blaming everything on your DH, risky sexual behaviour. They make me think you might have ishoos.

LoveforPGTipsMonkey · 24/03/2018 01:41

agree with posters who say it's absolute NONSENSE that an attractive woman in her 30s-40s, with a high sex drive, would have to settle for old unattractive men to date/sleep with. There are zillions of younger good lookingmen who dream of having no string attached flings with mature women if these women are fun/attractive and that how OP feels.
We ar not talking about her settling down with someone new - I agree that it's a big task to find a good single man around 35-40 for that , but that's not what OP is looking for.
OP it sounds like you feel absolutely trapped! I so can relate to it. I've also given up 'secure' life of boredom/frustration and although it can be tough at times, I wouldn't go back there, not with a partner who has no desire for you or a true connection with you. Also you have your kids so you'll never feel like you've never been "an adult' or responsible - you can now have time for yourself and nothing to feel guilty about (just be gentle to DH, tell him it's you not him).

LoveforPGTipsMonkey · 24/03/2018 01:42

*that's how

1forAll74 · 24/03/2018 02:20

I think that you should just leave your husband now, and give him what he likes, a bit of peace and quiet.You can then go off and realise all your fantasies. He must know how you feel about being married to him by now, and probably would think that it's better if you were not there !

MrsDilber · 24/03/2018 02:33

This isn't because for you're pissed off he's putting DSS before you at the weekends?

When DH is out tomorrow, why don't you go out with a mate, or on your own?

If you were living a new single life, would you be freewheeling on your own or Thelma and Louise style with a buddy?

I do agree that you only live once, if you are that miserable, you need to leave.

Good luck op. Hope you find what you are looking for and happiness too.

Robin233 · 24/03/2018 04:56

Can relate
But very true what others have said.
Only you can make you happy
I was out last night with mates for s lovely meal
Gives hubby time to miss me and adds another demotion to life.

When I feel happy I give off a more attractive vibe.
Being happy bright and breezy around my hubby is very attractive to him.
It takes work but you can do it.
The grass isn't greener. Good luck.

Sofabitch · 24/03/2018 05:21

You don't have to go to a posh gym where you don't fit in leave and join a gun where you do fit in.

Stop relying on your DH to be your entertainment. Go and make your own. My DH can be the same. I plan to buy a day camper and spend my weekends travelling around visiting cool places. His idea of hell. But thats fine. Because we are 2 people with different interests

RadioGaGoo · 24/03/2018 05:27

Surprised at how many people would stay in a boring relationship just to keep the man happy. Why should OP put up with sex once a week? OP sounds like she is in an unhappy marriage, it takes two to make a happy one. Also, it's a slippery slope to have to engineer being 'bright and breezy' to make yourself seem more attractive to your DH. Trying to hide true feelings to benefit your DH's wellbeing will ultimately lead to resentment.