To want to leave DH and be reckless?

[AshiBarai]

DH and I have been married 2 years, together for 6. He's 10 years older than me (he's 46). We both have two kids each to previous relationships.

I'm bored. We have regimented sex one day a week. We do nothing else together other than watch TV and go on holiday twice a year.

More and more recently I daydream about leaving him, buying a "do-er-up-er and basically just having fun. Casual relationships, travelling, new experiences, meeting new people shagging around ... just being free. I'm 36 and I'm so fucking bored and frustrated. DH is fast asleep next to me as I type this. We live in a "posh" detached 4 bedroomed house on private estate - I picture myself on my own in a terraced victorian house wondering if I'll be getting laid at the weekend.

I'm scared. I'm a nurse, I work with old people and they always tell me "follow your instincts while you still have them" - my instincts are telling me to sack off this marriage and sensible persona and go back to being free and reckless. We only live once. What the fuck do I do?

Yes OP. Work harder to please your man because that's the key to your happiness (!).

I didn't say that at all.

In fact quite the opposite.

I am suggesting that the OP expands her life outside of her relationship and stop placing so much emphasis on her relationship with her OH.
That does not define who she is.
And if she " only goes on holiday once a year" and sits "watching TV" and is "bored at her private gym" - then who is to blame?

Other people?
With what sounds like financial security the OP could be doing so many things, both in work , hobbies, socially.

My OH is a little staid, but we get on well, a real closeness. We don't see a great deal of each other, and my life does not revolve around him. We have financial security, and my life is hectic and exciting. I run a business from home, I do other freelance stuff, I buzz about having meetings, run workshops, facilitate a support group, exercise at a fun ( local authority gym) members of some local groups, I go on holiday without my OH sometimes, or weekend yoga retreats, I have a great relationship with my young adult kids and often go out with them.
My OH never knows where I am from one moment to the next.

I also live in a naice 5 bedroomed home in a leafy suburb, but I certainly don't feel tied down or trapped.

I would get up this morning and announce you are going out, then do it. Whether he shakes himself out of this and wants to join you after a few days sadsacking around by himself, or not, is your answer.

Tell him honestly how you feel, give it three months and if tbings dont improve, just go! Life is not a rehearsal!

You could try a taster of leaving your husband by booking yourself a solo holiday somewhere and having your own adventure before coming home again. A two weeker to NY maybe? and think things over again on your return.

I mean, you sound pretty certain that you aren't happy and need to be free. I don't think a posh house and money means anything at all. I'd rather you were happy. My parents lived in a £1.5 mil house in a fancy neighbourhood and their marriage doesn't work.

I think you should seek happiness elsewhere. Even if your husband Is a good man, you aren't feeling like you should in a happy marriage. Life's too short to stay stuck.

Ps are you an Aquarius?

If you want to leave him, leave him.

But consider the old chestnut about the grass always being greener....

Whatever you do, don't use your frustration and unhappiness as an excuse to cheat on him. The hurt that causes is horrible

Grant him the dignity of being honest with him.
You could always try, you know, speaking to him?

How did you manage a life of endless exciting shagging when you had two young children?

While he’s out with his colleagues tonight you get all dressed up and go out on your own.

If you happen to meet a bloke and go back to his at least you’ll know if it’s what you really want or not.

I've only read to page 2 ,forgive me if this is already covered...I can relate to you...I had my 3 oldest kids very young.they are all adults now,((I've still got an 8 yr old I'm just about to home educate so that keeps me grounded)
Without my youngest I would feel as you do
I think you are reliing on yr dh to much...you have a lovely home / family..but a boring dh...in my experience they all end up as pipe and slippers men...you can't expect to 40/50/60 still shagging 20 yr olds..at some point you will want to settle down again,..will you want to live alone aged 60/70/80??? ..at that age you may well regret thoughing this life away....I'd ..if I was you ..be planning some escapes alone ,book some long weekends of work and get a backpack and go youth hosteling anywhere you fancy..your dh is not responsible for your happiness...right now he knows his kids are at the point they won't want to come to visit very soon ,so he's grabbing whatever they offer ..I can understand that..I do it a bit with my eldest...but my point ,sorry I'm rambling on I know..my point is you have a lovely base from which to have adventures...you don't need to leave to have them.

If weekends are so boring, why don't you sort out something you can do on your own at weekends? Surely you don't both have to wait in to see if DSS is going to appear? The remedies for that lie in your hands, and don't have to involve walking out. IME, the most successful marriages are those where the parties give each other space to follow their own interests and don't assume they have to be together all the time.

An awful lot of your dreams seem to be predicated on your dream of going back to where you were 20 years ago and shagging everything that moves. But you need to bear in mind that your contemporaries have grown up, have different interests and different commitments, and aren't as desperate to fall into bed as you think. Sure, you could go for toy boys, but you risk being seen as a slightly sad older woman desperate for a shag.

FlouncyDoves, would you give the same advice to a man who is a bit bored in his marriage?

Why are you hanging around the house all weekend with your dh? Has he got you chained up or something? Why can't you go out and do interesting things without him? Besides, if you make yourself and your own life more interesting, he might start wanting to have a bit more fun himself and may even suddenly rediscover his sex drive, given that he so recently had one. If not, then you can reassess later, when you have become more interesting yourself in a way that does't involve childishly stropping off into the sunset (you are, after all, currently as boring as he is).

Leave him and shag around if you want, but I doubt you'll find trying to do that for the rest of your life will be as much fun as you seem to think - still plenty of scope for you to feel used, abused, lonely, frustrated and heartbroken. Better to give a bit more thought to the rest of your life before you decide it might be fun to be reckless.

But you need to bear in mind that your contemporaries have grown up, have different interests and different commitments, and aren't as desperate to fall into bed as you think. Sure, you could go for toy boys, but you risk being seen as a slightly sad older woman desperate for a shag.

Absolutely.

And I would say the same to a man.

Many decent men your age are either in relationships or are single for a reason. It's slim pickings.
Not like when you were 20.

Who are you going to be having all this reckless fun with OP?

You will not make up for those lost years in your 20s when the reckless stuff does happen.
You have moved on and changed.
Not to be said fun won't happen- but you are looking in the wrong place.

Look to yourself first.

I spent the first half of my twenties living how you want to live and there's only one word I can use to describe how it made me feel - unfulfilled.

I think feeling restless when your kids are that age is very common. You're not quite redundant as a parent, but your role has changed and your DH is ageing quicker than you are. I found mine turning 50 wasn't easy..... he's got a lot less energy, gets very stressed and grumpy and very little sex drive. He's such a decent kind thoughtful person that I could never justify leaving, but I also miss the man he was 10 years ago. I've lost weight, have more energy and zest than I've ever had, and it's not an easy match at times.

You need to build a better life for yourself, and your DH may or may not be a part of that. But don't depend on him for a social life - join a gym, some clubs, meetup etc. I do a lot of hobby stuff in the evenings when DH is asleep snoring in the chair.... keeps me from murdering him .

A relative of mine ditched her husband in her early 40's. She's now nearly 60, still single, has had virtually no male interaction at all in that time and lives alone in a city apartment she can barely afford.

Your 20's are gone. You're never going to have those reckless years because of the life path you chose, and I think you need to accept that. It's concerning that you only got married two years ago because it sounds like a lot has changed in two years and I'd worry your mind will flit and want what you now have again in two years if not less. You need to tell him you're on the verge of walking out. Maybe he doesn't realise how desperate you feel.

Mark my words though, I saw this with the person I describe above. Mutton dressed as lamb and laughed at by the blokes she was coming onto. She then thought she'd try her hand at a sugar daddy or two who also laughed at her because they didn't want someone in their late 40's when they could have a 25 year old.

If only we could read our future! No-one can tell you whether it would be the right decision for you or not. You could go, have your fun and wake up in a couple of years time thinking it was the best decision you've made as you are living the life to the full.

Or you could be waking up feeling very alone, your kids having their lives, your friends only calling you when it suits them, the boyfriends only when they want sex, and you might miss the love of your husband, the lack of financial worry, and stability.

I've seen both cases from friends. One who I thought she was making the worse decision living her OH, but 5 years, she is still another person, travelling the world and loving it. However, I can think of another friend who did the same, is now depressed and bitter as she is finding herself in a tiny rented flat, struggling with money, her kids hardly ever contacting or seeing her, her friends too busy with their lives and isn't coping with the fact that her once upon a time adoring husband, even if boring, is now having fun with someone else, and much more active with her than he ever was with my friend. She says that she did love her husband and should have worked on their relationship than thinking that the grass was greener alone.

Whatever decision you make OP, good luck, but do think it carefully and don't just focus on all the things you are missing right now, but do consider the good things that you might be taking for granted currently.

I’m in a similar position OP, or rather I was. I didn’t marry young but I had a couple of long relationships before settling down with exH so never really did the dating/shagging around thing. I was with ex for 20 years and he was a good dad and husband but never an exciting one, we were always more like mates, never had that spark even in the beginning. As the years went by I felt more and more trapped, longing for some excitement and intimacy (no surprises our sex life was awful). So last year we split up.

The past year has been the most stressful I can remember. I’ve cried more than I ever thought possible, seen, heard and done things I’d really rather not and realised so many things about myself.

I don’t regret my decision but a year on I’m waking up to the fact that single life in my mid 40s is not going to be quite as I imagined it - that excitement I’m searching for has not materialised and I can see that the problems in my marriage were as much down to me as my ex. I’m facing a future that’s scary and uncertain, no I’m not bored or trapped any more but I’ve got no idea what I really want now or how to achieve it.

I can sympathise so much with how you feel but think long and hard about what you really genuinely want and more importantly, could realistically have, before you make any big decisions.

Actually, on reflection your posts seems to suggest that you are unhappy within yourself and you are looking for external experiences/other people to make you happy - there frustration and unfullfilment lies.

Shagging around and travelling etc etc all sounds good fun, until you have nothing to come home to.

I agree with everybody who has said find some other way to give your life content and meaning, to satisfy you.

Don't screw around behind his back - that never ends well.

Thanks for all the replies last night. I'd had too much to drink and my inner mid life crisis self had come out.

You're all right, I rely on him for entertainment when it's not his responsibility. I need to build up a life of my own but I don't know how. I'm a loner by nature and have no friends. I'm angry and fed up at myself more than him.

Blimey sweetlike, hopefully you do know that women aren't defined by their attractiveness to men and can have a life without them.

Don't rush into anything you'll regret talk to your other half and if nothing changes and you still feel the same, leave and do what you want. Life is far too short to be miserable and think what if you never know what's around the corner. Goodluck x

I wòuld consider that your younger son is presumably doing his A levels. I don't think it's really fair to disrupt his exams for the sake of your sex life.

If you can stick it until he's finished his exams you could start building up a social life so that when you leave you have something to go to.

From now on I would leave DH to his own devices on weekends, if he wants to stay in all day for someone who never shows that's up to him. Start doing things you want to do, cinema, theatre, tango lessons, running, hobbies etc.

There's no such thing as a posh new build estate. Nor a posh gym in that context. I'm sure the people perfectly normal so you could start there.

Why do you have to wait in and wait for his stepson? He can wait and you can go out!
Go to the cinema, find a club to join, try a new sport - water-sports are really fun!

As for the sex - perhaps if you just start using a toy right in-front of his face then he'd be inclined to join in...

I'd think really carefully and hard before leaving your comfortable life with a decent man now, decent men seem to be about 10% of the population (yes I'm being a tad dramatic there) and in their 40's they tend to be all married, it could turn out badly and with you being alone and lonely at 90 instead of regrets.

Leanne, they have had a year's worth of counselling and he still simply uses as a body that needs to be as his disposition at all times!

Do the Freedom Program, in RL if that is at all feasible for you, online if not.
Listen to all of us who are telling you this is not normal and not ok.
Be v kind to yourself.