Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to leave DH and be reckless?

225 replies

AshiBarai · 23/03/2018 22:42

DH and I have been married 2 years, together for 6. He's 10 years older than me (he's 46). We both have two kids each to previous relationships.

I'm bored. We have regimented sex one day a week. We do nothing else together other than watch TV and go on holiday twice a year.

More and more recently I daydream about leaving him, buying a "do-er-up-er and basically just having fun. Casual relationships, travelling, new experiences, meeting new people shagging around ... just being free. I'm 36 and I'm so fucking bored and frustrated. DH is fast asleep next to me as I type this. We live in a "posh" detached 4 bedroomed house on private estate - I picture myself on my own in a terraced victorian house wondering if I'll be getting laid at the weekend.

I'm scared. I'm a nurse, I work with old people and they always tell me "follow your instincts while you still have them" - my instincts are telling me to sack off this marriage and sensible persona and go back to being free and reckless. We only live once. What the fuck do I do?

OP posts:
calmandbright · 23/03/2018 23:24

Meh - I can’t get on board with the DH sympathisers. You committed to the fun and fulfilling life together and he moved the goalposts. To the sofa. As an aside, I ended up meeting the most incredible guy last year too and he’s added so much zing to my life. But even if that didn’t happen, I’d still be infinitely happier doing my own weird happy exciting thing. Life is so colourful now!

Puffycat · 23/03/2018 23:26

You’ve got to get out now. If you can’t look at Dh snoozing on the end of the sofa and feel love and happiness at the sight of that beloved blob, then you ain’t in the right place.
You clearly need to get out there and do some random shagging.
If you stay as you are you’re going to cause a lot of hurt. I don’t think there’s any point in taking it out, you sound very much like your mind is made up, not sure why you’re asking MN, you don’t need approval

corncakes · 23/03/2018 23:27

OP I've been where you are now...I left and it was great for a while. However 5 years on and I'm 40, single, not very much money and a small flat, stressful job. The only men I meet are ones with a load of issues - they don't want to settle down just bum around for a while and move on. I regret my decision to leave my comfortable life ever so much. In hindsight I was very depressed at the time and felt that it was all down to my husband to make it better. It wasn't. I should have taken responsibility and found other meaningful things in my life. It wasn't the relationship or him that was the problem. What I am trying to say that good men don't come by that often especially if they can offer you a good life too. Think about where you are going...maybe get some counselling and talk about your feelings in a safe place. I wish I had done that. If you still feel the same after that then go for it.

Bundlesmads · 23/03/2018 23:29

The happpiest I ever was was when I was single, skint and shagging whoever I was chatting to that week.

It’s impossible to reclaim your 20s and women knocking on 40 tend to end up looking like right prats if they try it.

And you’re treating your DH like shit, it’s unpleasant

I wonder what all the posters on here saying this is all fine would say if a man came on here and said he wanted to dump his boring old wife and his tiresome step children so he could shag about and go travelling?

He’d have his arse handed to him on a plate.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 23/03/2018 23:30

What attracted you to your clearly loaded husband? You've only been married 5 minutes. Were none of these issues present a couple of years ago? Confused

steff13 · 23/03/2018 23:30

Take last weekend for example, we stayed in all day only the find out at 3.30pm that DSS wasn't coming. Total waste of a weekend and it's the same.

How is that a waste of the whole weekend? 330, I'm assuming on Saturday, leaves the whole evening and night plus all day Sunday. His son is an adult and should be more considerate, but u done see how the whole weekend was ruined.

Original poster
AshiBarai · 23/03/2018 23:30

Thanks corncakes, that has given me food for thought. I think half my problem is that I rely on DH for a social life - I should just leave him to it and do my own thing - that would sort out that issue ...

But the sexual frustration? Do I just shag around on the side or what? I'm practically living a life of celibacy and I'm so frustrated

OP posts:
steff13 · 23/03/2018 23:31

I don't. Dumb phone.

ginswinger · 23/03/2018 23:31

I wouldn't waste another minute. Book a ferry and get in the car and start driving. I had a brilliant time until my mid thirties when I settled down and had my DD. My life is so much fuller because of it and although I'm less impulsive and more tied down with school runs and play dates, I have a bank of wonderful memories I can call on. I've lived abroad, ridden the trans siberian railway across Asia and Russia, skinny dipped, down terrible things with unsuitable men that I hope my DD will never do and picked up several languages on the way. Life is too short to let it slip away so start planning and perhaps your DH will join you.

steff13 · 23/03/2018 23:32

Oh, and I agree with you about the sex. Had it always been once a week? Do you try to come on to him?

kimanda · 23/03/2018 23:34

The happpiest I ever was was when I was single, skint and shagging whoever I was chatting to that week.

Not much of ambition to have though is it ? Lets face it, we all get older, and in a few years you'll be single, skint and raddled, wont be any shagging then (harsh but true) and anything that you would have shagged will now be old, fat, and toothless.

This ^

The OP's pipedream is just that. This life of perma-shagging cool fit young men, and rolling out of bed with tousled hair, next to a gorgeous 25 y.o. Harry Styles lookalike, while she makes a latte in her cool hipster kitchen in her trendy city apartment is not going to happen.

It's all fantasy. Be careful what you wish for.

I can only imagine the responses on here if a man had come on here and said his older woman is a boring sad old cow and calling her a big old blob, and that he wants to start a new life. He would have been slaughtered.

And why is the OP's husband 'selfish?' FFS, as far as I can see, he has done fuckall wrong.. She had kids too young and has had no life, and this is why she wants to live this bizarre and unattainable 'wild life..'

As I said, she should just go if life with her husband is so shit! Let him find someone else who deserves him!

Creambun2 · 23/03/2018 23:35

As you had your kids young do you feel you missed out or something?

Original poster
AshiBarai · 23/03/2018 23:35

It was a waste of a weekend because he won't DO anything!! Every week he waits to see if DSS is coming, and he won't plan anything else in case he does. By the time we find out that is ISNT coming DH decides that it's too late to plan anything. I swear to god I can't remember the last time we did anything on a weekend, every weekend is the same - sit around the house all Saturday, if DSS comes then we sit around the house all evening also. I'd DSS doesn't come, guess what, too late to plan anything now so we sit around the house all evening. The last time we did anything on a weekend was last year, around September time and that's because we was on holiday

OP posts:
kimanda · 23/03/2018 23:36

The happiest I ever was was when I was single, skint and shagging whoever I was chatting to that week.

And let's face it, MOST people do this at 18 to 23 y.o., not four years off their 40's with 'adult' children. You just look like a sad and desperate loser shagging anyone that moves at that point in your life.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 23/03/2018 23:39

Do I shag around on the side or what? Is this for real? You're hardly celibate if you're having regular sex once a week. I think you're being a bit dramatic and immature to be honest.

Tell him you want a divorce if you want to leave but don't blame that all on him and his son?
Be honest. Do you have feelings for someone else? That's nearly always the cause of a sudden change of heart and declarations of ennui.

minipie · 23/03/2018 23:40

This sounds like a massive mid life crisis.

Also it sounds like you don't make much effort to organise anything yourself. If you find out at 3.30 that DSS isn't coming, it's not too late to go out that evening, you don't need a babysitter. Just go out!

Sort out some nights out, with and without DH, maybe book a holiday (sounds like money isn't an issue?) and then see how you feel.

Why is your DH so tired? Doesn't really make sense at 46 and with grown up kids.

Original poster
AshiBarai · 23/03/2018 23:40

Yes I feel like i missed out. I was in a relationship from 16 yo. Had my first son at 17, second at 19 and then had a string of disastrous relationships until my 30s when I met DH. Don't even get me started because the way I'm feeling lately it's either a one way trip to nowhere in particular or an accident in the pharmaceutical department. I really have had enough

OP posts:
Bundlesmads · 23/03/2018 23:40

Why can’t you do things on Sundays? Or you could do activities on your own or with friends. It doesn’t sound like it will be going on much longer. And why the bloody hell don’t you ring him to see if he’s coming?

I mean, wanting to spend time with his son doesn’t exactly make him some sort of callous bastard. Quite the opposite.

corncakes · 23/03/2018 23:41

OP I get the sexual frustration bit...I really do! Since leaving my husband I can honestly say that in the past 5 years or so I've met one man who rocked my world in bed...the relationship didn't last though. Just give yourself some space and try and have your own life with your own friends...engage yourself in something positive that you are going to feel nurtured by.
I would do anything to return to the point you are at...as in hindsight I could have made it work by working on myself.
Please don't feel I am preaching...your post just reminded me of myself...I wouldn't want anyone to have the same regrets. Hope you are able to find the contentment you are looking for.

littlemisscomper · 23/03/2018 23:42

It seems kind of sad that marriage doesn't mean anything anymore. What's the point of couples trotting out that whole 'For better for worse, til death do us part' gubbins if they don't even mean it? I can understand marriages breaking down over domestic abuse etc but because it's not exciting enough? I dunno, just seems like no-one bothers to work at it these days.

Not really getting at you OP, just a general wondering-ment, as Ross would say!

Porpoises · 23/03/2018 23:42

Okay op i thought you were being harsh to him but i agree, doing nothing any weekend since September is quite ridiculous.

Original poster
AshiBarai · 23/03/2018 23:42

He won't go out!!! I have tried!!! Oh I tell a lie, he's going out tomorrow night - with his mates from work. Not with me, I'm just sat in the house all night as per usual. God forbid i suggest going out on a Saturday night.

OP posts:
MarmaladeIsMyJam · 23/03/2018 23:43

Have you got your age wrong???

MarmaladeIsMyJam · 23/03/2018 23:44

Sorry I’ve had a drink, ignore me!

loveisevol · 23/03/2018 23:49

Have you got friends you could go out with tomorrow night while he's out? I'd be making my own weekend plans and doing what I wanted to do. If he wants to sit round the house all weekend let him!
Go and have some fun.