To want to leave DH and be reckless?

[AshiBarai]

DH and I have been married 2 years, together for 6. He's 10 years older than me (he's 46). We both have two kids each to previous relationships.

I'm bored. We have regimented sex one day a week. We do nothing else together other than watch TV and go on holiday twice a year.

More and more recently I daydream about leaving him, buying a "do-er-up-er and basically just having fun. Casual relationships, travelling, new experiences, meeting new people shagging around ... just being free. I'm 36 and I'm so fucking bored and frustrated. DH is fast asleep next to me as I type this. We live in a "posh" detached 4 bedroomed house on private estate - I picture myself on my own in a terraced victorian house wondering if I'll be getting laid at the weekend.

I'm scared. I'm a nurse, I work with old people and they always tell me "follow your instincts while you still have them" - my instincts are telling me to sack off this marriage and sensible persona and go back to being free and reckless. We only live once. What the fuck do I do?

I think the reality is that you are about 6 years off becoming invisible, unless you are an exceptionally good looking woman. So if you want to taste the wild life, best to do it now. In the past it may have been true that younger men might like a no-strings romp with an older woman but we live in the times of Tinder.

I’m confused; in your first post you talk about wanting to ‘go back’ to being free and reckless but later on you talk about having your kids at age 17 and 19 and then spending til about 30 in a few disastrous relationships. So this isn’t really about returning to a life you had before- it’s wanting to escape the life you have Now

Agree that the main issue is you had children way too young.
But there’s other issues too- how the hell have you ended up in a posh estate house when you hate that? Is the house your dh’s and you moved in with him? Why do you rely on him to organise your social life and then resent him when he doesn’t? Why do you dream of buying a ‘doer upper’ rather than actually buying one and making it happen? You have a decent job, you’re not financially unable to support yourself.

I’m not saying you should stay or you should leave; none of us should because that’s something you need to work through with your dh.

But it does come over as if you married this man for things you liked about him and the lifestyle only 2 years ago, and that you’ve looked to him to totally fulfil every aspect of your life, which is just a bit odd.

Why don’t you just start going out? Or book a holiday together (or alone?) you mention you were on holiday in sept so clearly you do sometimes do stuff together.

If you’re trying to make things work and he genuinely wants no more out of life than to sit on a sofa all weekend, that’s one thing. But it doesn’t sound as though you’re at all proactive in grasping life and shaping it how you want.

And what the hell are you doing going to a posh gym if you don’t enjoy it and no one speaks to you? Sounds like torture! Find some new hobbies!

Final thought: sometimes it’s easier to have a pipe-dream about a fantasy life, than to actively change things and make smaller adjustments to the life you’re actually living

Join Meetup.com OP. Life changer.

Sorry, I posted on wrong thread, apologies, Leanne

Work on widening your own social circle. Take up running or cycling, for example, join a club, suggest a night out with workmates, start making friends.

You don't have to be bored, you don't have to watch TV every weekend.

Get involved in your local community.
There's a life out there full of fun stuff to do.

Don't blame your husband for your boredom and loneliness.

Begin by changing one thing. Find something to do on a Saturday so you are not frustrated by waiting on your dss. Go hillwalking or join a cycling club or do the park run. Anything that means you wake up on Saturday ready to take off.

‘Desperate’
‘Mutton dressed as lamb’
‘6 years left before you’re invisible unless you’re extremely attractive’

Nah. Fuck all misogyny here.

AshiBarai - if you're a loner by nature, then why can't you go out and do things by yourself? Surely you should be happy doing stuff by yourself? Do you mean loner, or lonely? What would you like to be doing (besides having sex)?

‘The money and house mean fuck all to me now’

Because you got used to taking it for granted, i can guarrantee it would be priority nr 1 if you lost it.
Apart from that, it means a lot to the future of your kids. I’m sure the time will come they will appreciate financial help with uni/buying their own house/bailing them out of some stupid decisions. Your home and money means stability and safety net to them. Are you sure you want to gamble that.

and in a few years you'll be single, skint and raddled, wont be any shagging then (harsh but true) and anything that you would have shagged will now be old, fat, and toothless.

Haven't rtft but this above is complete rubbish. Just look after yourself and there will be plenty of reasonably attractive men of all ages more than happy to have random shags.

But whether you stay with your dh or leave, you do need to work up your own social life and hobbies. Sport, community activities, volunteering, music, dramatics, rambling etc etc. Just choose something and get out there. That alone should improve your mood even without shagging.

Agree don't underestimate the cost of living alone. Depending where you live (and how much you might get in a divorce) the days of just buying a doer-upper Victorian terrace are pretty much gone...

OP I spent my 20s ( no kids) doing some amazing things, travelled to exotic bucket list places all over the world, shagged loads of lovely men, had a great career- backpacked for a year out, misbehaved wildly.

I am now in my 50s, live in a " safe naice" home, have a staid solid husband and I have never lived a more exciting or happy life.
Every morning I wake up excited because of the great day I know I will have.
I have created this situation.

You're only 36!?! The world really is your oyster.

For those saying she won't find anyone to shag her once she is 42 and invisible, what a load of crap...

I would try small changes first though, and if they don't work, leave. It sounds like you're in an oaps home 40 yrs too early.

While you shouldn’t remain in an unhappy marriage, it’s worth seeing if you’ve just fallen into a rut.
Try making your own social life better first - hobbies, events, train for a run or something. Take up triathlon. Or anything you’ve always fancied doing.
Try to arrange some things with DH - weekend away etc - it’s ridiculous to be waiting in for an adult child every weekend, doesn’t DSS have his own adult life?

And then after that if you still feel unhappy and unfulfilled then think of leaving.

Don’t cheat, don’t shag around in the marriage, that’s unfair to your husband, who also deserves happiness.

Empty nests are an opportunity to rediscover each other, or they can reveal that you’ve knly been living for the kids. Whatever you do be fair to your husband and to yourself.

As someone in their mid-40s, with many friends the same age and older, I can say hand on heart that the misogynistic and ageist opinions on this thread are absolute bollocks.

I'd feel sorry for those with such a narrow and sad view on life, but they're bellends so best leave them to their smug bitterness.

I wonder if your fantasy is a strong, exciting man who gets you doing all sorts of thrilling stuff you would be too scared to do by yourself? If so, it is a fantasy - take more responsibility to make your own life interesting and stop hoping some thrilling man will put all the work in for you. The man you already have could be more interesting if you both put in a bit more effort and if you were a bit more brave and adventurous yourself, rather than focusing your efforts on trying to get him to get you to be brave...

And your casual relationships, travelling and living in a wreck of a house to do up fantasy sounds a bit disastrous, tbh - more like not having a clue than like having an exciting plan. Life is more fun if you have a modicum of control over it and don't just career from one disaster to the next.

Haven't read all the replies but why don't you have some fun out with your mates? It sounds like it's all up to your DH but you could go and have fun, without shagging people.

I was like you a few years ago and widened my social circle considerably - (now ex) DH was boring so I went out and had fun on my own. OK< looking back it was probably the beginning of the end of my marriage (which did end amicably three years ago) but I felt more 'me'

If you did start living yOUR life instead of your DH then maybe he will sit up and take notice. If not then yes, go it alone.

It comes down to, 'do you love him?'. If you don't by all means go, nobody should be in a loveless marriage (though I would find this hard to credit after only 2 years, that's a 5 minute marriage).

If you love him, ask yourself what are YOU doing to make it better. He is your husband, NOT your keeper. It is not his job to create your happiness. It is his job to share his life with yours, to be there at your side for the good and the bad and share himself with you. Does he lock you in and prevent you from doing things? Has he placed a ban on you going out without him or you having hobbies? If he has then he is abusing you. If he hasn't then you have a job to do yourself. It is your life, live it!!!!

I had kids young. I have 5 kids and now at 44, I have a very settled life, and still have small ones at home. I still traveled the world and I have a great career. It's the luck of the draw. My husband is a boring ass. He never goes out. I don't do anything with him. Do I do nothing? No! I have a great life, I have great friends. I travel. I have hobbies. If he wants to sit n and watch netflix, good for him. I do it with him sometimes. But he isn't responsible for my life. You sound immature and probably depressed. It's your life. It's one shot. Make it worthwhile.

As for the sex, once a week is more sex than I have, and I am sure are than a lot of people on here. It isn't celibacy . You need to talk to him about this. Please do. Just playing around on him isn't fair. I appreciate the desire. I have it too. But it just isn't fair.

I left a long term relationship for the same reasons as you, OP, only I was younger (29).

I'd been with him my entire 20s, we were very comfortable but never had sex and I felt like there was more to life.

I ended up flat broke, living in a studio flat, couldn't afford any furniture. And although I shagged about a bit and had friends, it wasn't all as great as I thought it was going to be.

With the benefit of hindisght and maturity, I think I should have worked on my relationship, tried to change it from within rather than just leave it.

Your husband is not responsible for your social life or happiness.

He obviously enjoys seeing his friends if he's made plans to see them this weekend so why does that mean you're stuck home on your own? Go and see your own friends, or have a weekend break somewhere on your own. Drive to the coast, go for a days shopping or to the theatre, go and explore a new city.

If you're not happy with your life then change it. It's not your husbands responsibility. You sound miserable with what you have and maybe he's picking up on that - hence his lack of enthusiasm with regards to spending time with you. I wouldn't want to spend my weekends out with someone who clearly didn't want to be with me.

Do you spend your life in each other's pockets? You need to spend time apart, learn to miss each other, and give yourselves things to talk about when you are together! And going out doesn't have to be restricted to weekends - why don't you go for dinner together in the week, or to the cinema or something?

Life is what you make it.

OP apart from the shagging other people what are you prevented from doing by your current situation?

Because I suspect it is you who are putting up the barriers to a fulfilling life, not your OH.

It's easy to blame others for your boredom.

You may be just as bored living in a flat alone with a different sexual partner every week.

Don't expect life to be handed to you on a plate.

Roundaboutthetown- agree with both those posts. A life which isn’t perfect but where you take control and shape it into what you want, as far as possible, is far more fulfilling than a fantasy life in your head

The other thing that strikes me is that the OPs kids would have been 17 and 15 when she married her dh. That’s hardly little, she must have realised she was on the verge of freedom and independence, but something made her decide to seal the relationship with marriage, and to do the whole executive home life style.

To go from that, to dreaming of travelling the world and random shagging within 2 years- well, it comes over as the OP letting other people steer her life rather than taking responsibility and steering it herself.

Be brave OP! That bravery may be leaving the marriage but equally it could mean staying in it but taking responsibility for your life

‘Really sorry op but I find your post and ambitions immature. I know people like you - 'living it up' in their late thirties and forties and they give the impression of desperation and silliness .‘

FFS. Maybe those people are HAPPY?! You know, having fun and enjoying life? Rather than sitting in every weekend with their boring sleeping husband.

OP you know you need to make a life of your own. I’m a loner by nature too. But I’ve downloaded a few apps for meeting people in my area and I’m determined to start getting out and about more.

If your DH wants to sit in waiting for his adult son every weekend then that’s up to him. You should make plans every weekend to do what YOU want to do. Exercise class, museum, farmers market etc whatever it is that you enjoy. Then go out and do it. Life is too short. It’s worth seeing if you will be happier in your marriage if you have a more fulfilling life of your own.

How is the relationship with your DH apart from this. Do you love each other?