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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To things isn't really a huge drama

209 replies

inmyshoos · 20/03/2018 10:37

Dd 11 and her friend had a sleepover. It transpires they played a game of show me yours I'll show you mine. Friend goes home and her mum felt she was out of sorts and it all came out. Then I get a phone call saying her dd11 was pushed into it. Felt she couldn't say no. That she feels terrible because she knows it's wrong etc. They like their dc to keep their innocence as long as poss etc
I told her honestly I think it's normal. It's curiosity. It's not sexual at all in my opinion.
Since then she has avoiding me, her dd is no longer allowed to come over and I think my dd feels her friend has distanced herself.
I spoke openly to the mum saying just difference of opinion. They are very religious, we are not and whilst she feels it's 'shameful ' I feel it's completely innocent and no big drama. AIBU here?

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 20/03/2018 10:39

I would not like it if this happened when my child was on a sleepover.

I’m sorry I wouldn’t let my child back either.

I would not discourage the school friendship though

Winterfellismyhome · 20/03/2018 10:40

Sorry but i wouldn't let my child back again either

LoudestRoar · 20/03/2018 10:41

I think yabu as you're basing their reaction on how you feel. They obviously feel it is a big deal, and it seems like you're belittling that.

Original poster
inmyshoos · 20/03/2018 10:42

Well I'm not actively encouraging it either but I do think it's very common and shouldn't be made into something its not . They are 11 year olds Hmm

OP posts:
SrDuess · 20/03/2018 10:43

Never heard of this game but by the sound of it, I would not be happy if my child was playing it!

notanurse2017 · 20/03/2018 10:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Scabetty · 20/03/2018 10:45

I think at 5 yo it is natural but not sure at 11 yo really. I remember us all clutching towels to our bodies lining up to shower after sports. No comparing Blush

Original poster
inmyshoos · 20/03/2018 10:45

I think very probably due to their values the dd has felt guilty and that she did something shameful and it's all come out. I do respect their feelings on it but likewise I have mine.

OP posts:
PrettyLittIeThing · 20/03/2018 10:47

This is not normal at 11 and Ofcourse it's sexual!! Crazy no my kids would not be going back to yours either. What next "you touch mine and I will touch yours" would that also not be sexual?

FranticallyPeaceful · 20/03/2018 10:48

Very weird at 11. I’d be having words with your child tbh

Dvg · 20/03/2018 10:50

I think at 11 they should be old enough to not show there bits. Seems like something for ages 9 and under as its curiosity but 11 is too old

ittakes2 · 20/03/2018 10:50

I don't like the thought of any child at 11 holding onto some guilt of something they did or didn't do at that age. So I completely agree it should not be made into something it is not. At the same time, I don't think its as common as you think it is.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 20/03/2018 10:52

I don't think it's that common at 11. I went to a girls school and recall everyone being pretty body shy at that age. We'd just started to feel this way, knicker tricks under towels etc, changing with our backs to each other.

The other girl sounds as if she felt pressured, too. Irrespective of religious beliefs and the fact I think nudity is quite healthy, I wouldn't be happy if my child came home telling me she'd felt obliged to "show" your daughter, even if the intention is innocent.

Dvg · 20/03/2018 10:52

Also most people start masterbating at from 11-13 as they explore themselves so YES it is sexual at that age.

Bombardier25966 · 20/03/2018 10:53

Paedophiles use this "game" to get their victims to send them pics. Different scenario but the same principle.

Please use this as an opportunity to sit down with your children and explain how inappropriate this game is, and what can happen when you normalise this behaviour.

CanIBuffalo · 20/03/2018 10:53

Not usual at 11.

NancyJoan · 20/03/2018 10:53

I do think they are making an unnecessarily big deal of this, but I have an 11 yr old DD, and I’d be taken aback if she was doing this with her friend. By this age I expect her to have got the idea that some parts of the body are private.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 20/03/2018 10:54

You need to speak to your DD OP and explain this isn't on.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 20/03/2018 10:54

My dd is 11 and proudly shows her changes to me and her big sis but def wouldn't be showing her friends.
Unlike my ds 9 who would show his off!!
Is your dd immature for her age? I wouldn't keep my dc away from her but would be worried if her friend told anyone and she was ridiculed.

Becca83 · 20/03/2018 10:55

I thought you were going to say they were 5. This is definitely not normal at 11!! You need to sit down and have a very important discussion with your child.

QuiteLikely5 · 20/03/2018 10:57

April

Your child shows you her changes?

Tbh I find that very bizarre and unusual. How is that normal? Genuine question

Tenroundswithmiketyson · 20/03/2018 10:57

YANBU. I'm with you, OP. I remember showing my friend my bum at school and her showing me hers and us bursting out laughing. It certainly wasn't sexual at all.

I might be a bit hmmm if it were a girl and a boy but I think her friend's mum is being very silly making such a thing of it and I would want to keep my distance, too.

That's the thing with friendships. They choose their friends where you wouldn't choose their parents as friends and I have to say there are some benefits to secondary school in that you don't have this as much.

ittakes2 · 20/03/2018 10:59

I also get that you feel that its a difference of opinion - and it is - but at the same time their daughter was under your responsibility at the time. If I was you I would have said I see things differently - but I would also have apologised that it happened and that they have been so unsettled by it, since it seems to have caused so much upset for their family. Its up to you - but if it was me I would clear the air again for the sake of my daughter and her friendship with this girl. At 11, its not always easy to make new friends that quickly - and maybe this is what your daughter needs to do - but in the meantime she would find it helpful if she could stay friends with this girl.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 20/03/2018 10:59

There is no evidence that the OPs child pushed the other child into this.

QueenofallIsee · 20/03/2018 10:59

I think you do have to tackle this, its actually not that normal at 11 years old. Why are you not concerned about your DD's friend feeling so ashamed? If she believes herself to have been coerced that is very serious and could have lasting repercussions. Your DD needs to be talked too about consent and appropriate behaviour at the very least