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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To things isn't really a huge drama

209 replies

inmyshoos · 20/03/2018 10:37

Dd 11 and her friend had a sleepover. It transpires they played a game of show me yours I'll show you mine. Friend goes home and her mum felt she was out of sorts and it all came out. Then I get a phone call saying her dd11 was pushed into it. Felt she couldn't say no. That she feels terrible because she knows it's wrong etc. They like their dc to keep their innocence as long as poss etc
I told her honestly I think it's normal. It's curiosity. It's not sexual at all in my opinion.
Since then she has avoiding me, her dd is no longer allowed to come over and I think my dd feels her friend has distanced herself.
I spoke openly to the mum saying just difference of opinion. They are very religious, we are not and whilst she feels it's 'shameful ' I feel it's completely innocent and no big drama. AIBU here?

OP posts:
Cel982 · 21/03/2018 07:13

Oh, you know nursy, all those Oscar-winners about 11-year-old female sexual predators Hmm

What happened wasn’t ok, because the child was upset, and that’s the bottom line. But this idea that anything other than prudish discomfort and shame about your body is abnormal is truly disheartening.

pizzapine · 21/03/2018 10:05

More so true crime documentaries. Where they commit crimes later in life and then their childhood behaviour comes to light. And it was the fact that in the OP the other little girl had felt "pushed into" it

Tenroundswithmiketyson · 21/03/2018 13:34

You've been watching too much Born to Kill, haven't you?

Titaniumpins · 21/03/2018 14:07

@pizzapine I hope you don't serve on jury duty !!

crunchymint · 21/03/2018 15:16

Yeah well I am a sexual predator as well FFS.
I have worked with girls this age a lot. Lots of girls do this, most do not tell their parents. It is fairly normal.

crunchymint · 21/03/2018 15:26

And boys also do this.

DarkRoomDarren · 21/03/2018 15:33

I seem to remember a boy at the boys’ prep school in my town, (I went to the girls’), started something called the ‘willy club’ at 11yo, where all the boys had to show each other their bits. Tbh I remember this so vividly because I thought it was thoroughly creepy and I still remember his full name, despite never actually talking to him. I can’t meet anyone with his name without thinking an involuntary ‘creepy’. The boy who told me thought it was thoroughly creepy too, which is why he mentioned it. Maybe that’s to do with the leader of the club just actually being kind of creepy though... Maybe if someone else did it, it would have been totally fine. Don’t know.

Anyway, so yes, it’s probably quite common, but not every 11yo is comfortable with it, or wants to join in. So that’s why I think it’s quite important for the op to discuss boundaries with her dd.

crunchymint · 21/03/2018 15:36

Doing it as part of a 'club' is a different dynamic IMO.

DarkRoomDarren · 21/03/2018 15:37

Yeah maybe that’s what made it so very creepy @crunchy. I mean... that’s thoroughly creepy isn’t it? Wonder what’s happened to him .

Greenyogagirl · 21/03/2018 15:37

Definitely not normal and I wouldn’t let my child see yours again either!

crunchymint · 21/03/2018 15:40

greenyogagirl It is actually normal

MaMisled · 21/03/2018 15:42

I'm with you OP. Completely normal. Parents views over the top. Other child's feelings of guilt and shame totally down to her parents.

crunchymint · 21/03/2018 15:44

But many of the comments on here are why many kids tell adults that work with them, things they do not tell their parents.

DairyisClosed · 21/03/2018 15:45

Well I mean that's really not normal. Talk about a complete lack of social awareness but it's hardly shameful.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 21/03/2018 15:47

Most of us are coming from our own, very singular experiences. I would rather have died that show anyone my pubes or boobs at age 11. Obviously others would be fine as per the school nurse on this thread. That doesn’t make my reaction wrong.

OP I think the only thing you can do is what you have already done. I don’t think the girl would have mentioned to her mum if there wasn’t a level of upset, that may have stemmed from ‘guilt’ (religious I mean) or not.

Honestly I don’t think there is anything else you can do. You’ve apologised for the upset and spoken to your daughter. I imagine she’s mortified. I would draw a line under it now.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 21/03/2018 15:48

Not normal at all.

Assuming this is a real query and your daughter does in fact exist, I would be keeping my child away from her, and would quietly let other parents know about the matter so they could make their own decisions.

Greenyogagirl · 21/03/2018 15:50

Erm no it’s not. Talking about getting your period, bra size or whatever yes, playing this ‘game’ is not and is something sexual predators do. Innocent or not at the very least ops daughter needs to grow up and understand the implications of such things.

crunchymint · 21/03/2018 15:52

As someone who has worked with a lot of girls, this is normal. Of course not all girls do it, but plenty do. It is not being a sexual predator FFs

BertrandRussell · 21/03/2018 15:57

It doesn’t matter whether it’s normal or not normal. One of the girls didn’t like it, and for whatever reason found it hard to say no. It’s a brilliant opportunity for the OP to talk to her dd about consent. No need for blame. Just a good time to reinforce an mportant lesson.

Chattymummyhere · 21/03/2018 15:59

If my child Came home upset telling me the other child had made her feel she had to show her genitals no my child would not be allowed near yours again.

If my child came home and mentioned they had been talking about periods and boobs and pubes and said that X said she’s had some and they shared stories and willingly compared happily then although I would keep An eye on it I wouldn’t ban them. Two completely different situations though.

Whydomypubeslooklikeanest · 21/03/2018 16:02

A similar situation happened to my child at the same age.

I contacted the school who reported it as a safeguarding concern and social services were called.

As it turned out the other child was being abused and modelled the behaviour shown towards my child on the behaviour of their abuser.

If I was the other child's mother and my child told me they had been coerced into showing their body and felt uncomfortable doing so I wouldn't even ask questions I would report straight to the school or SS.

londonrach · 21/03/2018 16:05

Its not right at 11. Yes at 5 maybe. Think you need to have a conversation with dd

Cockmagic · 21/03/2018 16:11

I know it's not what you want to think of op.
But is here any chance your DD could be suffering from abuse?

IAmSproutycus · 21/03/2018 16:16

Child psychologist here - based on the information in the original post only, I would not feel this is alarming and is not that unusual IMHO (although there may of course be additional factors I don't know about/CBA to read). Having said this, it is entirely the other parents right to hold their own opinions about this, and not yours or mine to value our opinion over that. Not our circus, etc. X

Titaniumpins · 21/03/2018 16:45

gawd what over reactions they 'showed' but from that post no 'touching' so not overtly sexual but misplaced curiosity IMO. Bet OP regrets posting now.

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