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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To things isn't really a huge drama

209 replies

inmyshoos · 20/03/2018 10:37

Dd 11 and her friend had a sleepover. It transpires they played a game of show me yours I'll show you mine. Friend goes home and her mum felt she was out of sorts and it all came out. Then I get a phone call saying her dd11 was pushed into it. Felt she couldn't say no. That she feels terrible because she knows it's wrong etc. They like their dc to keep their innocence as long as poss etc
I told her honestly I think it's normal. It's curiosity. It's not sexual at all in my opinion.
Since then she has avoiding me, her dd is no longer allowed to come over and I think my dd feels her friend has distanced herself.
I spoke openly to the mum saying just difference of opinion. They are very religious, we are not and whilst she feels it's 'shameful ' I feel it's completely innocent and no big drama. AIBU here?

OP posts:
RavenLG · 20/03/2018 12:44

Can you not see the difference with being comfortable with nudity and a “show me yours” type game

This. ^

OP is right in the sense of nudity is nothing to be ashamed of, but at the age of 11 there are certain social boundaries you would expect your child to be aware of.

Of course, this is one child's words against another. Perhaps the other child was fine with it, then broke down to parents and felt she couldn't say no but at the time was excited and interested? It's a hard one to judge but I'd say the OPs DD needs to have a talk to, to understand that while nudity and her body is natural and nothing to be embarrassed about when nudity comes around naturally (i.e. getting changed in swimming lessons, drs etc), she's too old to be playing show me yours type games with her peers. I wouldn't do this with my colleagues at work.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 20/03/2018 12:44

Can you not see the difference with being comfortable with nudity and a “show me yours” type game that apparently involved coercion?

Apparently being a HUGE part of the issue here. Everyone is piling in on the OP’s DD.

Whether it was them getting changed together or a bit of ‘you show me yours I’ll show you mine’ is irrelevant in terms of what the mother said about ‘keeping them innocent’

And you wouldn’t be at all pissed off that her friend had pressured her into doing something she didn’t want to?

I’d be a little annoyed if her friend kept pushing her to do something she didn’t want to, but that’s kids for you, I’d be FAR more annoyed with her for not just saying ‘No’. Whether it’s something she didn’t want to do, or something she knows she shouldn’t do (like shop lifting) I expect HER to maintain HER boundaries, not complain that ‘Sally said I had to’. We are talking about a single friend, 1:1, in a house with an adult. Not a group of kids down at the park all pushing one to do something.

DioneTheDiabolist · 20/03/2018 12:48

YABU OP.

hazell42 · 20/03/2018 12:49

I think you are right. Really not a big deal. I played that game, and so did my kids
It's only a big deal if someone makes it a big deal - making their child feel ashamed is setting up a whole world of problems later.
It would be different if there was a big difference in their age, but there isn't.
the other mum is being way too dramatic

SleepFreeZone · 20/03/2018 12:53

I played this game too and it wasn’t a big deal. I don’t think you handled it badly OP. It sounds like the other little girl feels ashamed and I don’t think it’s a useful feeling to dump on your daughter too.

diddl · 20/03/2018 12:54

"Really not a big deal. I played that game, and so did my kids"

At 11?

Toffeelatteplease · 20/03/2018 12:56

It's only a big deal if someone makes it a big deal - making their child feel ashamed is setting up a whole world of problems later.....
the other mum is being way too dramatic

See if you believe that the whole question is academic, the whole friendship is dead in the water because of too different values.

WeAllHaveWings · 20/03/2018 12:58

This is a secondary school child? she should be more aware of what is appropriate by now.

Sirzy · 20/03/2018 13:03

I think at 11 they should be more than old enough to understand that things like that aren’t appropriate. I think the risk of writing it off as “innocent” is that it doesn’t help young people understand that nobody (other than medical professionals when with a parent) should be asking to see private areas.

BertrandRussell · 20/03/2018 13:03

I’m surprised at 11 year olds being described as “little girls”.

I am horrified at the victim blaming going on. “Why didn’t she just say no?” Really?

StaplesCorner · 20/03/2018 13:04

sorry just to be clear I think this is where Toffee is right:

I'd be telling my DD not to play snap to with other child because it had upset her and I would be sorry that the game of snap had been a source of upset.

This ^ - even if you think its OK OP, you can still take on board other people's feelings. I'd hope.

Toffeelatteplease · 20/03/2018 13:06

she should be more aware of what is appropriate by now.

Appropriate has a social framework based on our values and beliefs. As this thread shows its not clear cut.

If you've got a friend whose values and beliefs are different from your own, you need them to be very clear else you risk being judged inappropriate against values you dont neccessarily know or understand. If the friendship is good it can be incredibly valuable to make the effort to bridge to gaps. But sometimes relationships do understand their course because differences are too great

PineappleExpress · 20/03/2018 13:07

It's not that common, IME, for 11 year olds to do this.
However, one of my old charges, who I still look after now and then, was desperate to show me when she started growing pubic hairs at 10. She was so excited about it, so I agreed she could show me at bath time, but we had a chat and I made sure she knew who it was acceptable to show/let see and she agreed that this didn't include friends

SleepFreeZone · 20/03/2018 13:08

I can remember being 11 and I was most definitely still a little girl. However this was the eighties and I will totally understand if kids are more worldly wise now.

AjasLipstick · 20/03/2018 13:08

I find it hard to grasp that in this day and age of children being made body aware and encouraged to have autonomy, that people are victim blaming and glossing over the fact that the child returned home "out of sorts, felt she couldn't say no and FELT TERRIBLE!

Really people! The child felt TERRIBLE and felt she COULDN'T SAY NO

And yet you're all acting as if this were a 5 year old showing it's bottom!

AjasLipstick · 20/03/2018 13:08

Sleep I was also 11 in the 80s and if someone had tried this with me I would have been very, very disturbed.

nursy1 · 20/03/2018 13:08

think the whole thing depends on whether they were comparing what's 'normal

Was a school nurse for a while and I think this is probably an explanation along the right lines.
It’s not that usual for 11 yr olds to play “you show me yours, I’ll show you mine” but I found that girls in the first year of the boarding school I worked at were often a bit disturbed by changes in their genitals at this age. Had a few come in to the Medical Centre with these kind of questions, so much so that I incorporated a link to different types/ looks of fannjos and talk on normal vaginal discharge into my sex Ed lessons.
Perhaps your daughter was just concerned about this and wanted to have a look at some one else’s ? If that’s the case she might have coerced her a bit. You could enquire and if it’s the case set her mind at rest. Then if you want to rescue the friendship for your daughter contact the other Mum. It will show that you have taken the situation seriously and taken some sensible steps.

SleepFreeZone · 20/03/2018 13:09

I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree then 😬

Brakebackcyclebot · 20/03/2018 13:09

I did this with the boy down the road, when I was about 10. I also remember playing doctors and nurses with a friend when we were about 8, and using hair brushes as pretend willies. At 13 I remember playing a game that involved rolling around on the grass in my friend's garden pretending to snog boys. I think I've turned out pretty normal (whatever that means!).

So I think it is pretty normal to be curious about this sort of stuff. I also agree with you that this situation has highlighted different values and views about shame within your two households. However, I would be explaining to your daughter how it could be misunderstood, and also talking about how there are people out there who would use this as a "game" to groom. My 11 year old has had talks at school about grooming, so I wouldn't be shying away from that aspect (not saying you are OP).

IamPickleRick · 20/03/2018 13:09

11 is too old for this. Others have said that already. I’d talk to your DD discreetly and see if there is something going on.

SossidgeRoll · 20/03/2018 13:13

11 is a little girl isn't it?

MyLoveIsAPrickOnATudorRose · 20/03/2018 13:13

I think most parents, if their child came home from a sleepover and was upset and felt they'd been pushed into revealing their genitals, would hit the roof, and I don't believe there's anything predatory about your DD in the slightest and I'm v relaxed re nudity in general.

Whatever the event, you seem anxious to minimise the 'drama' of this child being believed. What did your DD say when you asked her about it?

SleepFreeZone · 20/03/2018 13:13

I wonder at what age sexual experimentation is considered okay? I often hear Mothers on here being berated for meddling with their developing children’s sexual curiosity. Shouts of ‘why didn’t you knock?!!!!’ if the poor woman unexpectedly walked in on their child masturbating.

Who’s to say that these girls weren’t being curious with each other? Why does one have to be seen as the perpetrator and one seen as the victim? Perhaps both of them wanted to partake in the ‘game’ but only one felt overcome with guilt later due to their religious upbringing?

BertrandRussell · 20/03/2018 13:17

“Who’s to say that these girls weren’t being curious with each other? Why does one have to be seen as the perpetrator and one seen as the victim?“

They don’t. But one of them was upset. So needs to be believed and allowed to distance herself from her friend if she wants to.

And no, I don’t think Year 7s are “little girls”.

AjasLipstick · 20/03/2018 13:17

Seaside yes...11 is a little girl. Not ALL little girls want to show their private parts to others though.

Isn't that basic knowledge? Just because someone's a little girl, doesn't mean it's ok for them to be COERCED!

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