Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Original poster

To things isn't really a huge drama

209 replies

inmyshoos · 20/03/2018 10:37

Dd 11 and her friend had a sleepover. It transpires they played a game of show me yours I'll show you mine. Friend goes home and her mum felt she was out of sorts and it all came out. Then I get a phone call saying her dd11 was pushed into it. Felt she couldn't say no. That she feels terrible because she knows it's wrong etc. They like their dc to keep their innocence as long as poss etc
I told her honestly I think it's normal. It's curiosity. It's not sexual at all in my opinion.
Since then she has avoiding me, her dd is no longer allowed to come over and I think my dd feels her friend has distanced herself.
I spoke openly to the mum saying just difference of opinion. They are very religious, we are not and whilst she feels it's 'shameful ' I feel it's completely innocent and no big drama. AIBU here?

OP posts:

steppemum · 20/03/2018 14:10

I too had sleep overs where we showed pubic hair, compared discharge, period stuff etc.

sorry WhatToDo, but we did this too, not remotely odd. Just because you didn't do it, doesn't mean it isn't part of other people's experience.
Totally normal to me.

Luckyme2 · 20/03/2018 14:12

Op if the other girl felt embarrassed with the game I really don't think getting them together to discuss it is going to have helped! At 11 my DD would have found that just as cringe worthy!

Avasarala · 20/03/2018 14:14

@WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue

Teenage boys chat and joke about open, masturbation, size (usually taking the piss out of each other but they're still talking about it) and I've known plenty boys in my school who strolled around naked while changing for swimming lessons or on sleepover with their mates - because the found it funny.

But girls can't talk about their periods or changing bodies, or compare for reassurance, because it's disturbing? Half the world have or have had periods... It's not a big deal and is not disturbing to openly discuss.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 20/03/2018 14:16

Openly discussing periods (which is normal and I have done) is totally different to showing each other your pubic hair.

steppemum · 20/03/2018 14:29

Openly discussing periods (which is normal and I have done) is totally different to showing each other your pubic hair.

and to many of us, showing pubic hair was a normal part of puberty, just because you didn't do it, doesn't make it abnormal.

Sirzy · 20/03/2018 14:31

I don’t think there is an issue with young people sharing these experiences IF everyone is happy with it. If someone is being forced into it or isn’t comfortable with it that is when it becomes an issue.

nakedscientist · 20/03/2018 14:43

My gut feeling is that if my child were upset in this scenario, I would worry that the other child was over sexualised and I would avoid anymore sleepovers. I am not religious.

I would not be reassured by your response, OP, either. On the other hand, most likely they were just indulging in some explorative play that went a bit wrong.

This is likely to be difficult for your child if it gets round the school. It may be worth discussing this with a trusted teacher at school to pre-empt rumours.

StaplesCorner · 20/03/2018 15:04

It may be worth discussing this with a trusted teacher at school to pre-empt rumours. - school will have no choice but to report it. Why do you think that is?

nursy1 · 20/03/2018 15:07

Openly discussing periods (which is normal and I have done) is totally different to showing each other your pubic hair

What to do. Having worked professionally with teenage girls I can tell you having a compare Happens and not in the least abnormal.
I don’t want to pre- judge the situation but I would imagine the Op dd friend will have much more trouble adjusting to adolescence being given a feeling of shame about her “ loss if innocence”. She hasn’t had sex or even really a sexual encounter.
It’s tricky to handle because of the background of the friends family more than anything else.

HeedMove · 20/03/2018 15:16

I remember my cousin who is two yesr younger than me telling me her friend asked her if she had pubic hair yet and if she could see as she didn't. I was completely bewildered by it then. Me and my friends discussed it but never showed each othet anything. Pretty sure my 13 year old wont of shown anyone anything as she's a total prude and I have reinforced the pants rule to all my children.

SmallBlondeMama · 20/03/2018 15:21

Ew.. super creepy!!!

Cel982 · 20/03/2018 15:35

What the absolute fuck? That is not normal in the slightest. Discussing getting your first period maybe, but the rest of that is just disturbing

Sorry WhatToDo, you've a typo there. I think what you meant to write was "This wasn't my experience, but as it seems to have been relatively common according to the responses on this thread, I'll refrain from passing narrow-minded judgement".

Justanotherzombie · 20/03/2018 15:40

I think your reaction was the problem. Yeah they are just eleven and it's not really a big deal but you didn't handle it well. Your daughter needed to be told it's not acceptable and regardless of who did what, you should be warning her that such behaviour and activity can get people into a lot of trouble. You should have assured the other mother that you would be speaking to your daughter seriously about appropriate behaviour. It sounds like you brushed it all off and downplayed her (valid) concerns. No child should be showing or asked to show his or her private parts, even 5 yr olds. And of course doing that at 5 is very common but they still need to be spoken to about it.

nakedscientist · 20/03/2018 15:41

"It may be worth discussing this with a trusted teacher at school to pre-empt rumours. - school will have no choice but to report it. Why do you think that is?"
Staples, is that a question for me or OP.
My answer would be that the school may consider it a safeguarding issue.

StaplesCorner · 20/03/2018 15:45

naked its a question in general but yes, I'd like to see the OP's answer - (you clearly know what would happen).

Toffeelatteplease · 20/03/2018 16:33

Op just seen your update. Under those circumstances I think I'd be breathing a sigh of relief over the relationship having run its course....

Cuppaoftea · 20/03/2018 16:33

OP your reasoning as to the usual power balance between your DD and friend isn’t relevant here.

The girl didn't need to tell her Mum anything if she was comfortable with what happened, noone walked in on them. Her Mum noticed she was out of sorts and questioned her, that's when this all came out. Her feelings of distress are clearly genuine. The other thing to note is that she was staying at your house which shifts the power balance.

I think you ought to have fully apologised but need also to accept that regardless, this incident has likely irrevocably altered the friendship between the girls. Help your DD to understand why that is.

I agree with those saying normal at that age is comparing bras and talking about periods, not showing pubic hair and private parts. This is also the age of most 11 year olds upwards having camera phones and social media bullying being rife. You really need to ensure your DD is fully clued up as to respecting others boundaries and privacy and protecting her own. Incidents of innocent curiosity don't always stay 'in the moment' as they did in the 80s and 90s, there can be a digital trail that stays long term now.

Coyoacan · 20/03/2018 16:48

Personality wise my dd is the less pushy and far more likely to be blamed in other situations by this girl (previous incidents at school, teachers opinion too so not just me thinking my child is innocent at all)

I don't think this is a very convenient friend for your dd, actually. My experience of a child like this was that their mother had very extreme reactions to quite normal misbehaviour, so the child was too scared to own up to their own mistakes.

pizzapine · 20/03/2018 19:02

I would not let my child back either. Sounds like a sexual predator in the making. Sorry, but at 11 that is not normal

Titaniumpins · 20/03/2018 19:16

Wow REALLY @pizzapine , nothing the OP has described would lead to that conclusion.

Wallywobbles · 20/03/2018 19:27

2 our of 3 of my 11 year old DDs had periods, body hair and c-cup boobs at that age. I think you are underestimating this OP.

LadyLoveYourWhat · 20/03/2018 20:45

And Wallywobbles? Wouldn't that make it more likely that there might be a wish to compare, find out what's normal? We've had a real number done on us when even we cannot see our post puberty bodies as anything other than sexual.

Singlikemiranda · 20/03/2018 21:12

@pizzapine, what a disgusting thing to say

pizzapine · 20/03/2018 21:16

I've probably just watched too many movies where this type of behaviour in adolescents grows into much more sinister things. Nasty or not, I would not allow DDs back at OPs house.

nursy1 · 20/03/2018 21:21

Pizzapine, what movies? I can’t imagine what on earth you are on about.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9